Some time ago, I was chatting with a friend.
She asked me, who was about to give birth to a second child: Do you regret giving birth to a second child? I didn't have a politeness, and directly typed the word "regret".
Imagine such a scene: when the two children are repeatedly cold and sick like whack-a-mole, my husband and I, named Mom and Dad, are actually "old slaves" serving the two children. Playing together, reading, breastfeeding, cooking their favorite meals, feeding medicine, calming their emotions, and falling asleep in the middle of the night...... After a few days of doing this, you are so tired that you are almost collapsed, and you can finally lie on the bed for a while.
At this time, when you open the circle of friends and see a screen full of people eating a big meal in a restaurant, setting off fireworks, watching movies, and flying in the warm sun and waves on the beach, while you are hanging snot and enduring a sore throat and dealing with the feces, pee, and farts of the two children every day.
If I don't regret it for a while, isn't it a bit out of place to have the emotion of "regretting not being the beginning"?
After six years, when I gave birth to my second child at the age of 37, I didn't want to pretend anymore, I really loved the child, but I was really "gritting my teeth" and swallowing.
When you are young, you grit your teeth and get through the physical exhaustion; After becoming a mother at an advanced age, the physical fatigue is really torturous. Surgical incision that is difficult to recover from after a caesarean section, lumbar muscle strain that aches all the time, and insomnia that makes it difficult to fall asleep after being woken up by a baby in the middle of the night...... These tiredness are like lingering nightmares, often haunting oneself.
The physical exertion is not the most uncomfortable. After giving birth to a second child, your financial situation is likely to "return to the pre-liberation period overnight" (not counting those who have a mine at home), delaying your retirement plan for several more years.
Looking at the second baby born to me with all my life, there is a line of words that will jump through my mind from time to time like a marquee: I thought that you would make us poor, but I didn't expect you to make us so poor.
However, even though raising a second child is tiring and poor, my husband and I still "fought a bloody way" from it, and in the most difficult first year of raising a second child, we allowed ourselves to land safely and survive.
I realized that I used to be an out-and-out "housekeeper" at home, and I had to take care of this and keep an eye on it. It's like not being able to do it yourself, and you can't be a good mother. Now, I think of my home as a company and myself as the CEO, and it is most important to do a good job of overall planning. Find your own position, and many troubles will be solved. When you no longer bury your head in the hustle and bustle all day long, but look up in the direction, the difficulty of parenting decreases, and it is less likely to deviate.
Not only two-child families, but also one-child friends can also take advantage of this idea.
Employing people: Different people have different principles of employing people
Parenting must be a "collective activity", everyone does what they are good at, and the benefits can be maximized by multi-party cooperation. Think about how the company "handles" you when you work, and you can also copy these routines and use them with a baby. One word can be summed up as "knowing people and making good use of them."
1. Make good use of parents - key words: make them happy
Unless one of the parents in the family takes care of the baby full-time, most of the parents who work both have to rely on the elderly to bring their children down, and we are no exception. The first thing to do is to know how to use your parents well (if the elderly in the family are willing to help with the baby, if not, you can skip this part and look down).
After giving birth to the eldest child, my parents helped us take 10 months, and this time the second child took 8 months, although there were some small frictions during the period, but for parents willing to take children, my husband and I had nothing to think about except being grateful.
There are often netizens who complain about the differences between the elders with babies and the contradictions they coexist, but in fact, compared to the healthy growth of children, these differences and contradictions are not a problem. The key word of "good parents" is to make them happy, as long as the grandparents really love their children, we grasp the main principle, and it is okay to give the right to exercise and speak to the parents.
What are the "main principles"? The answer given by each family is different, and this should be measured by yourself.
For example, in our family, there is only one main principle: when a child is sick, we should listen to us for medical medicine – in fact, we listen to the doctor. Because the medical habits of the parents' generation and modern medicine may not be synchronized, especially when children are sick, adults are easily upset and want to try any old methods and home remedies. At this time, just tell your parents in advance that everything will follow the doctor's instructions.
As for the child's breastfeeding, hygiene habits, and daily companionship and play, my husband and I have full authority to listen to my mother's arrangement as the main force with the baby, and do not interfere indiscriminately. Because we know that the elderly help to take care of the baby, they are actually under a lot of pressure, leave them space, let them be comfortable, so that parents can have fun in the bitterness and enjoy the happiness of teasing their grandchildren.
Therefore, when there are elderly people at home to help take care of the baby, we must learn to turn a blind eye to small problems in parenting, fold our hands and bow our heads in gratitude.
2. Use your husband well - keyword: let go
If you are an employee, you are managed by the leader everywhere, you are stared at by the leader every minute, you are required to act according to certain rules, and there is no room for free play, do you also want to leave every minute?
Giving space and knowing how to let go is the idea of "using your husband well".
As a pioneer who resolutely resists "widowed" parenting and the moral kidnapping of "women are weak and mothers are strong", I often actively encourage my husband to shine and be full of "daddy" on the road of parenting.
For example, the second child eats a bottle after giving birth, I am responsible for being a good "cow" pumping, and my husband is responsible for getting up in the middle of the night to change diapers and breastfeed, which can let me slow down for a few hours. On weekends, my husband usually takes a day to go to the laboratory, and at this time, I will also make a clear division of labor in advance, he must carry the eldest with him, be responsible for his food, drink and Lazar, and I will be responsible for the second child.
When it comes to parent-child relationships, dads account for half of them, but 99% of parenting focuses on moms, which is unreasonable.
You said that your husband was too rough, too careless, too casual, and too tormenting the child with the baby...... Can't stand it yourself? I know, I really understand! But you have to tell yourself to let go and let him do it.
剑桥大学心理学教授、致力于研究亲子关系中父亲角色的Michael Lamb博士就在其著作The Role of the Father in Child Development中提到：
Mothers and fathers do have different tendencies in their interactions with their children:
The mother gives warm care, while the father mostly plays with the children. This has little to do with gender, but the division of labor between the parents is different. Fathers are just as hormonally stimulated as mothers when caring for their children, which strengthens the bond between parents and children.
When fathers become the primary caretakers of their children, their brains begin to adapt to the role.
Therefore, in addition to not being able to give birth to babies and lactation, fathers are not less "talented" than mothers in other aspects of taking care of children. Dads are a treasure, we should encourage more, mine more, give more opportunities, and believe that they can surprise us on the road of parenting.
Spending money: Define your own "blade"
In the matter of raising a baby, it is inevitable that parents will be "empty of people and money". You usually have to ride into both people and silver, but the different places where silver is used and the weight is different, and the degree of ease it brings to you is also different.
First of all, you need to define your own "blade" and spend your money on it, so that you can suffer less on the road of parenting.
For example, the "cutting edge" of our family's money is childcare fees. Daycare services are provided abroad for babies between 6 weeks and 3 years old, except for the fee.
The eldest and second were sent to Daycare at the age of 11 months and 8 months respectively. My husband and I are ordinary migrant workers who don't have a mine at home, and the huge monthly daycare expenses do make the family a lot of tight, but we still insist on sending our children there. I don't think I'm a "good wife and mother", even after getting married and giving birth to two babies, I haven't moved for a second to be a full-time mother, I would rather give most of the money I earn every month to my children to pay for their children's tuition and let "professionals do professional things".
Here to affirm: I am by no means saying that being a stay-at-home mother is bad, those mothers who are willing to accompany their children wholeheartedly are admirable, and whoever takes the baby knows the hardships. I knew I wasn't that material, so I chose to spend money to "pick" myself out for a while.
The domestic childcare system for young children is not yet mature, and in the absence of the help of the elderly, if you want to take off the heavy responsibility of taking care of the baby, you can only choose to find a reliable aunt and confinement sister-in-law.
In short, whether to "ride in" yourself or spend money, you have to choose one.
The second "blade" of my family's spending money is to buy in large quantities and learn to "outsource".
I will buy a few more bottles, baby jumpsuits, and pacifiers for the second child, not because I am rich and capricious, but to save time and trouble. After eating four or five meals in a day, it is good to wash the bottle once, and you don't need to eat it once and wash it once, which is really tiring; It's the same with clothes, change one or two pieces a day, and save two or three days to wash together.
In terms of "outsourcing", the one I have done the most thorough is the baby's complementary food.
As a "kitchen residue" who can't cook a few times a year, I tried to make complementary food, and I was busy for two hours, and my children didn't eat a bite...... From the perspective of time, taste, and nutrition, the cost performance is too low. Therefore, I simply choose reliable ready-to-eat complementary food for my children, which is very cost-effective compared to DIY kitchen residues.
Raising young children is tiring, and parents have to learn to "cut corners".
Throttling: There are more ways to save money than you think
Although the money was spent on the "blade", the money was still not spent, so when the second child was raised and the silver was broken more, but the income did not increase by leaps and bounds, the parents had to learn the hard-core skill of parenting - throttling.
For the second child, there is not much room for throttling at present, basically toys, coats, books, mattresses, game blankets and other items, we uphold the principle of "use to the fullest", as long as the boss is still there and can still be used, we will not buy new ones.
However, there is still a lot of potential for throttling for six-year-old babies.
First, reduce unnecessary interest classes.
Behind the rational registration is that parents should think clearly about the goal of registering for class. For example, if the starting point of your class is to enhance your child's physique, can you use a skipping rope and a family weekend ride instead of football lessons and swimming lessons?
Second, print study materials instead of buying teaching aids.
Now there are many parenting public accounts that will share foreign learning materials, summarize and carry the resource library of well-known foreign websites, graded reading, thinking training, STEM and other aspects, parents can print it by themselves, which is more cost-effective than buying teaching aids.
Third, toy/waste reuse.
My big baby likes to play Lego, Lego is not only super gold but also a bottomless pit, every three or five new products, parents have been bitter for a long time.
In my house, we not only encourage children to build Lego, but also encourage them to dismantle Lego, dismantle the finished products that have been put on display, and then create their own creations. Even if we buy Lego, we buy him the basics, not the sets. Prevent LEGO from becoming a decoration and a dusty ornament.
In addition, for small children, sometimes scrap is much more interesting than high-end toys.
Waste cartons, wrapping paper, styrofoam, packaging boxes, paper bags, wooden boards, wood chips plus some pigments, and painting gadgets at home are all good materials for artistic creativity.
The waste paper shell son also had a lot of fun
I saw a mother on the Internet to teach her children about coffee, she saved up the capsules she usually drinks, took the children to dig out the coffee grounds and store them in a box to dry them under the balcony, and then buried the dried coffee grounds in a flower pot to make fertilizer, and then watched the coffee tree coffee beans and coffee making introduction video, so that the children can understand the ins and outs of coffee, and complete the ecological cycle of coffee from the tree and back to the soil.
Learning and education are not just in books, they are everywhere in life.
Fourth, make use of local library/secondary website resources.
Where my family lives now, a 10-minute walk from a three-story town library, since I had a baby, I have definitely collected more than six figures in the library according to the original price of books and toys. Burning other people's money and raising their own babies is much more pleasant than the wool that has been picked up by a certain "knife".
After having children, the child-friendly library is simply a "wealth boy", and parents should not let it go.
If there are no library resources nearby, parents can buy second-hand toys and second-hand books to save money.
BBC Lifestyle有一档教人省钱的节目Shop Well for Less，节目组对比过给孩子买二手玩具和二手书节省下来的开支。
Toy guns of the same brand, buying second-hand, can save 70% of the cost compared with brand new, and it does not affect the entertainment effect at all.
At a second-hand bookstore, children buy seven books for less than £17, while the same book costs £45 for a new one, which is a lot of money saved in a year.
When you say, "Suppose your income is now reduced by 1/3 or even half, how would you plan your "childcare fund" in this case? When you think about this, you will find that you have done a lot in terms of throttling.
In the final analysis, if you want to save trouble with a baby, either you have to have someone, or you have to spend money, and there is a corresponding price to pay. For parents who work for their children, it is important to know how to "calculate", and it is even more important to work hard to make money.
Editor丨Antelope, Human Cub Observer Title Map丨Picture Insect Creativity
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