Some time ago, I was chatting with my friend L, and she said that she hated going to class reunions more and more.
"I really don't know what the point is, everyone is either talking about the old sesame seeds and rotten grains, or they are bragging about how good they are."
L took a sip of milk tea, pouted and counted everyone's not:
"So-and-so said that her husband can make a lot of money, and he doesn't touch the spring water with his fingers, and in addition to playing mahjong and shopping every day, he goes to the beauty salon."
"So-and-so said that their family had bought three suites, and she wanted to rent them out, but her husband refused to let him, saying that he was not short of this money."
"So-and-so also said that he knew the big leader of a unit, and the leader was in a hurry to give him a partner to do."
L said that the so-called big leader had already been blown up because of cutting leeks, and he changed his vest and ran away.
Only that classmate doesn't know, and he is still bragging about his previous reputation.
Source: Visual China
I smiled and asked her, "What about you?" Are you bragging? ”
She glared at me: "Blow, why don't you blow it, I said that my husband's annual salary is one million." If you don't have it, then blow it out and see who blows it more outrageously. ”
Actually, although L's sentence is rough, it is to the point.
In life, many of us like to regard the external or other people's highlights as a recognition of our self-worth.
Behind this, a very heart-wrenching truth is hidden......
"My husband's salary is high, so I can live on it"
L works in a foreign company, has a strong ability, has a monthly salary of 20,000 or 30,000 yuan, and the annual income is nearly one million after counting the stock and option income given by the company.
But the same is an annual salary of one million, "Why are you boasting about your husband's annual salary of one million, why don't you brag about yourself?" ”
Hearing me say this, L was stunned.
As early as when he was in college, L set his own "marriage KPI" - these 3 conditions must be met before he can get married.
- No domestic violence or drinking;
- The academic background must be higher than oneself;
- The salary must be higher than your own.
As for love? You can have it or not.
According to this set of standards, L found her current husband and felt that she "finally has someone to rely on and rely on".
Obviously, he can live well by himself, but after getting married, L really feels a certain sense of security and belonging.
However, L, who entered marriage with the dream of "relying on her husband", was not really taken care of by her husband.
In fact, she's become even harder than before—
In the past, she only had to take care of herself, but now she has to take care of her work, her children, her husband, her parents-in-law and her parents, and she is so busy that she has no time to take care of herself.
But she didn't realize it.
While working hard to support a large family, she still thinks that "women still have to rely on their husbands to support their families".
Even the boast of the class reunion, L opened and closed his mouth as "my husband".
Why?
Behind this "persistence", in fact, she can't see or recognize her own value, and projects her own value and sense of security on others.
Source: Visual China
There are many similar projections of the same kind.
For example, in the "Fan Circle Crowd", fans see the qualities they desire in celebrity artists, and they will be obsessed and worshipped;
For example, "helping my brother", I always feel that as long as I take good care of my younger brother and let my younger brother study well and go to a good university, it is my own achievement;
For example, if you pursue "luxury" too much, you always feel that you have enough luxury goods to show your value.
The expectations behind these projections are:
"You see, the things I like, the people I like, and the people I rely on are good, so you should also agree that I am good!"
And the reason why we have this mental mechanism is because we are too weak inside.
We need a stronger external de-parasitism in order to perpetuate our own life force.
Behind the value projection is a parasitic on a powerful exterior
There is a plant in nature called the "snake mushroom".
After germination, the seeds of the snake mushroom form a sucker that attaches to the root tips of other, more powerful plants, and survives with them.
And the reason why it needs to parasitize other powerful plants is because it has no real roots, stems, and leaves.
It is inherently lacking, lacking in strength.
The psychological mechanism behind value projection is like a "snake".
The reason why we place our "self-worth" on others is because we lack strength and need to draw nourishment from the vitality of others.
We construct a parasitic "associative identity" between ourselves and these external people or things, so as to form or strengthen our social identity, and psychologically gain a sense of belonging and identity.
Source: Visual China
I think of the experience of a classmate from earlier.
She is a single-parent family, her mother is unmarried and pregnant, and her father has long been missing.
's mother has no culture, and she relies on getting up early every day to be greedy and dark to make cool skin, which pulls her up little by little.
In her memory, her mother always sighed in the dark, saying that she was too ignorant, stupid, and stupid when she was young.
In my memory, my mother's most common words were:
"Mom is working so hard, you must study hard and fight for your mother."
"You have to be admitted to a good university and get a good job, and you can't be like your mother, who will ruin your whole life."
Whenever she got good grades in the exam, when her mother walked the streets, she always held her head high and boasted a few words when she met people;
And when she loses, her mother always closes the door and teaches her: "I'm too embarrassed to go out, it's too embarrassing for me." ”
In fact, what does her mother's relationship do well or not in the exam?
From the point of view of subject separation, the child's achievement is not related to the mother.
However, due to her own internal deprivation, the mother constructs a "connected identity" between her own sense of worth and the achievement of her child.
Source: Visual China
George Mead once said that in "reflective evaluation," the perceptions and evaluations of others are seen as mirrors through which individuals see themselves.
When others give us a positive evaluation of the person or thing we associate with, we may internalize that evaluation and see it as an affirmation of our own worth.
Because I was too stupid in the past, I didn't want my children to follow their own old path, so that I seemed to be living again;
Because I am too fragile, I hope that my child will be strong, so that it seems that my life has been extended;
Because my life is a failure, I hope that my child can have a better life, so that others can not deny the existence of "me".
However, can this kind of connection really make you happy?
A classmate said: "This expectation of hers puts me under a lot of pressure, and I always feel that I am a tool to realize her ideals, rather than a living person." ”
Whenever she had this emotion, she and her mother would always quarrel.
She felt very sorry for her mother, but she couldn't control herself, and the relationship between mother and daughter deteriorated for a while.
Source: Visual China
If our sense of self-worth is all dependent on the outside world, our self-concept will only become more fragile.
We are constantly craving positive recognition for our associated identity, and the slightest negative evaluation can make us unbearable.
Think about those fans who are fighting for their idols and netizens, maybe what they think in their hearts is "I pin my best part on my idol, how can you deny my goodness?" ”
Think about the women who complain every day because their husbands can't make money, maybe what they think in their hearts is "I have no value and can only rely on my husband's achievements to show myself, but why is my husband so uncompetitive?" ”
Think about the people who make a lot of noise and break down and cry in the store because they can't buy luxury goods, will they be equally worried, "If I can't buy this thing, will those who look up to me see through my falsehood?" ”
We will always be affected by uncontrollable external emotions, and even life, and then anxious and internal, hesitating.
Are these really the happiness we crave?
Of course not.
Improving your sense of self-worth starts with getting rid of parasitism
No one wants to live on someone else for the rest of their lives.
We all aspire to be a better version of ourselves and gain our own sense of worth in our individual identity.
Therefore, the first thing we need to do is to get rid of parasitism.
How?
Quite simply, stop seeing yourself and the people or things you depend on as a whole.
TA is TA, I am me.
In this way, we can have more time and energy to focus on our inner self.
Source: Visual China
Second, try to connect with your broader self.
Find a small notebook and keep a daily record of the things you are grateful for, no matter how small.
As young as the sun is out today, you can record a strange little flower.
You will find that the more we look for the beauty of life, the more stable our core will be.
By cultivating qualities such as gratitude, compassion, and mindfulness, we can better live in harmony with ourselves and the world around us, finding meaning and purpose beyond our personal ego.
This practice of meaning helps us to realize that happiness and fulfillment come from inner peace and external connection, rather than from a single type of relationship.
In our journey to explore our sense of self-worth, we come to realize that true value lies not in external labels and recognition, but in our inner tenacity and uniqueness.
When we begin to disenchant our associative identity, we are not only redefining ourselves, but also regaining true control over our lives.
We will learn to appreciate our every attempt and every growth, even if these achievements do not receive applause and attention from the outside world.
Each individual soul has its own unique light that can shine without the reflection of others.
In this complex and ever-changing world, let's be our own heroes and use our own strength to light the way forward.
Zhang Defen Space (ID: tefenchangpublic5), founded by the well-known writer Ms. Zhang Defen, shares the concept of self-responsible personal growth, advocates a mental health lifestyle, and helps readers to make positive changes.