Author: Yu Yuanhuan
01
Let's start with a joke:
Laugh.
Late last night, the husband and wife had a quarrel upstairs, and the man's voice was loud, hysterical, and the sound spread far away, piercing the silent night sky, and then, there was a sound of falling things, accompanied by the cry of the woman, and the sound of anger and resentment......
It's normal for husbands and wives to quarrel, who hasn't quarreled?
Our family has been arguing for many years, and the telephone and TV have been smashed.
It is said that quarreling can help emotional communication and boost spirits, but not too much of a quarrel.
Maybe you and I are familiar with this sentence structure:
"What do you still say about me? Look at yourself! "You never cared about me!" "That's all I have, what do you want?" "Why should we go to see your parents first, not my family?" "You conscienceless thing, I ...... for you" "I can't live this day." Divorce! ”
Of course, there are more outrageous ones.
With these hurtful words, "Bang! Bang! "The two doors were slammed shut......
Many times, the relationship between husband and wife is "fried" like this.
Hurtful words always come from a gentle mouth, like a sword, a spear, and a sword.
Taiwanese program host Kou Naixin said on the show:
She said that she and her husband Huang Guolun are very strong, and they quarrel with each other, and they must distinguish the winner and loser.
Once too angry, Kou Naixin said that she must defeat him, and she must say what makes him hurt the most.
And then she did.
She pointed at him and said: "Huang Guolun, what are you like me, do you know that you are divorced, you are second-hand, you are not worthy of me." ”
Huang Guolun was stunned and didn't reply, just quietly packed his luggage, walked to the door, and said, "Naixin, there are some things that can't be said, you know?" ”
Then he walked away for three days and was not heard from.
Men love face, and this has touched dignity.
Many times, the conflict between husband and wife is that each party wants to "control" each other, wants the other to run the other way, and wants to make the other person what they want.
Half of the conflicts in marriage arise because of this, and there is nowhere to hide.
02
It is said that 10% of life is made up of what happens to you, and the other 90% is determined by how you react to what happens. This 90% is a problem of mentality after encountering bad luck.
Look at the picture:
The scary thing is that we tend to be incoherent when we get in a hurry, quarrel, and be disturbed by these 10% of the little things, and do the next 90% of stupid things.
So, how not to let 10% of the quarrels ruin 90% of the feelings between husband and wife, it does take some kind of wisdom.
I heard a story that many years ago, a man had an argument with his girlfriend over a trivial matter, and he habitually yelled.
He thought his girlfriend was going to yell at him.
But the girlfriend didn't.
His girlfriend looked at him quietly and asked, "Are you finished?"
He:...... That's it!
Then the girlfriend spoke: two people who love each other will not treat each other in that way. We can have different opinions, but we can't be so mean. If we want to be together, please don't do this to me again.
The man said, "That was 20 years ago." We've been married for 20 years, and I have to say that I'm still a jerk, but with her, I make an exception.
Why is it an exception for wives?
Because of the softness and gentleness of the wife, it has a strong power of peace, so that the violence in the husband's heart is invisible, and a sense of guilt and responsibility is born.
Yes, love not only brings out the best in human nature, but also reveals the most vulnerable to the other person, with the belief that it will be comforted, not hurt.
As the saying goes, I gave you the right to destroy me, but I'm sure you'll never use it.
The same is true between good friends.
03
Ma Jiahui is a Hong Kong critic who loves to write small articles, love to tell small jokes, and seems to have a sense of justice.
He has a good wife, named Zhang Jiayu, who has seen Zhang Jiayu's photos, she is very gentle and kind, but she has a unique temperament of independent thinking in her bones.
Once, at a lecture on Zhang Jiayu's new book, someone asked her: "Ma Jiahui told the female guests various jokes about marriage and love life at the 'Qiang Qiang Threesome', will he be punished for kneeling when he goes home?" ”
Zhang Jiayu said with a smile: "I have always felt that people should have the freedom to speak without fear. ”
What a wise woman.
Those women who lack wisdom in life always like to use men as slingshots, but in fact, the tighter they pull, the farther they fly.
And the wise woman, who treats the man as a kite, leisurely holds the middle line of her hand.
Think about it, even the most intimate couples need their own independent space.
After Liu Ruoying and Zhong Shi got married, when decorating the new house, Zhong Shi set up two study rooms at home, which were the two ends of the longest diagonal distance of the house.
When they enter the house, one goes to the right and the other to the left, and the common space is the kitchen and dining room in the middle.
He does things and speaks in his space, she is not affected, she also meditates in her space, writes and reads.
They are independent in their own small space, loving each other in a big house together.
On the surface, they don't seem to be loving enough, but in fact, they love each other thoroughly and intelligently, and they have become a famous model couple.
Someone asked the secret of the happiness of the couple, and Liu Ruoying said:
"No matter how much you love someone, don't lose yourself, no matter how good the relationship is, there must be a relatively independent space, because it is loose and comfortable, because it is free and independent, and because of respect for the other person's right to be alone, love deeper."
I am reminded of Nietzsche's words: "An unhappy marriage is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship." ”
The reason why the relationship between husband and wife is difficult is that there is an extraordinary casualness and harshness, and the root of the friendship relationship lies in the extraordinary cherishing and tolerance.
A good marriage treats each other as friends.
Therefore, Yang Jiang said: The most important thing between husband and wife is the relationship of friends.
The way she and Qian Zhongshu get along is the same as Liu Ruoying, respecting each other like guests.
04
I read a story on the Internet:
Arnold is an interesting woman.
For a while, Xiao Nuo made the house full of smoke because of trivial matters, her husband's soft persuasion didn't work at all, and Xiao Nuo's bull temper was almost heavenly.
Her husband was very distressed, and it happened that his first girlfriend added him to WeChat, chatting when he had nothing to do, and it turned out to be a bit of a resurgence.
One night, Xiaonuo was lying on the bed, holding her husband's mobile phone in her hand to visit a certain treasure, but her first girlfriend sent a WeChat message: Honey, have you slept, how are you doing lately?
Her husband also saw it, and he was frightened, and he had a premonition that the war of the century was about to break out.
Xiaonuo replied to WeChat mischievously: Honey, I'm about to sleep, I'll sleep with him today, if you want to sleep, you have to wait for him to turn over the brand.
The first girlfriend stopped talking, and blocked Xiaonuo's husband.
A family crisis disappeared invisibly, this is the wisdom of Xiaonuo.
In a good marriage, three points of love and seven points of tolerance, and there is infinite space in tolerance.
Marriage expert Emerson once made the point that 50% of marriage failures are due to couples ignoring the natural needs of both partners – men are born with respect, and women are born with love.
He did a survey, and 74% of men said: I would rather marry a wife who respects me but doesn't love me, than a wife who loves me but doesn't respect me.
It can be seen how much men value being respected.
Many women don't understand because they are more focused on love, and in the world of love, they don't see the need for respect from men.
When a husband feels unrespected, it is especially difficult to ask him to love.
In the same way, when a wife does not feel loved, she cannot respect her husband.
The best way to love your husband is to respect him and let him know that you respect him. This respect will make him feel how much you love him, and he will naturally develop a love for you.
Of course, the reverse may also be true. But not necessarily, marriage is not 1 plus 1 equals 2, but 0.5 plus 0.5 equals 1.
It is said that wise husbands and wives are always pretending to be stupid to each other and protecting each other's shortcomings.
The following sentence is classic:
The trivialities of life, feeling stupid is a kind of restraint, which contains tolerance and wisdom.
Mutual understanding and tolerance permeate every detail of life.