This mother and daughter have no power relationship

New Weekly

2024-05-13 12:03Published on the official account of Guangdong New Weekly

记者| Felicia

Edit| Yan Fei

A variety of psychological and educational bestsellers define the parent-child relationship as a utilitarian development game: parents educate their children with the law of winning, and children's lives are full of taboos. A child's good character is related to the education of his parents, especially his mother.

But in the story of Lin Guizhi and Yang Jingjing, the mother-daughter relationship is somewhat "unconventional". Jingjing will say, "The child is not only the mother of the parent, but the father is also very good." And Gui Zhi believes that mothers should not try to "step on two boats" (work and family), and want perfection at both ends. In the relationship between the two, she tried her best to restrain her power, from big things to small things, and gave her daughter as much freedom of choice as possible. She said that she was sometimes impulsive, and her daughter was a more stable person.

"Classmates: Mother and Daughter Reading Together" is a record of the reading exchange between mother and daughter. They chatted freely as they read together, discussing women, lust, aging, sexuality, evil, greed. The mother is outspoken, and the daughter also has a strong critical thinking ability. Putting aside the power relationship, they complement and teach each other in dialogue.

▲ "Classmates" Lin Guizhi / Yang Jingjing

 Shanghai Literature and Art Publishing House, 2023-5

Mother and daughter read a variety of books together. Sometimes it's like this – on the first night, the lights are on in the room, and they read together an ancient Greek tragedy from more than 2,000 years ago; The next night, the lights came on again, and the two men continued to read; On the third night, they began to talk about the people and events in the book.

Greek mythology is the beginning of the discussion. There are a variety of stories about man and God, morality and faith, lust and war, and so on. Many of their discussion materials are stories that have been turned over by Jingjing. Some books are read many years later, and both sides understand them from different angles. "Snow White", "Little Red Riding Hood" and "Journey to the West" all have plots that make them feel weird and refutable.

In the first year of Jingjing's study at Oxford University, Katsura decided to go to England with him and live for a while. It was during this period that the mother took the bus to the library when her daughter was in school, and recorded what the two discussed, which was later compiled into the book "Classmates".

During this spring holiday, the mother and daughter got together briefly in Hong Kong and chatted about the clips of these years again.

"Conveyor belt sushi" and "ancient Greek sheets"

Many years ago, Lin Guizhi worked in a high-rise building. From Hong Kong to Beijing, almost all of the advertising agencies she has worked for have been in high-rise buildings. In the midst of it, Katsura sometimes thinks of the ancient times when the earth was monopolized by dinosaurs, and humans could only look up at the sky with respect. Modern people have learned to build overhead bridges for car boxes to run, and drones to deliver deliveries, and the sky has been gradually occupied. "Are people really that good?" This thought also appeared when she read the ancient Greek tragedy "Antigone".

Born in Hong Kong, Gui Zhi often gets lost in the city. Her first job was at Ogilvy & Mather on the 8th floor of an office building near Taikoo Shing. It was here that she became known as the "Queen of Copywriting" in the industry.

▲Lin Guizhi resigned and came to Beijing.

She loves the job. In the article, she wrote: "I like words, and I find the meaning of life in words. Reading allowed me to overcome spiritual poverty, and writing allowed me to reassemble myself. Having the opportunity to write is already a reward, and when people attach money to me, it's like I'm getting double paid. But she also questioned the work itself. The most she has written is "while supplies last", and she often wonders whether the content of her work exacerbates the illusion of consumption, and the dilemma of Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" haunts her from time to time.

One day 10 years ago, Katsura found herself in a high-rise "conveyor belt sushi", the kind that was about to grow hair. Why does she meet the girl she met yesterday every day when she goes to work and goes to the toilet? So she quit her job and became a freelancer. Freelancing didn't make her an idler, she had a full schedule, reading, writing, teaching, part-time advertising copywriting, playing the piano, and participating in public welfare projects.

▲ Lin Guizhi, photo provided by the interviewee.

"Can't be idle" is the daughter's evaluation of her mother. Katsura is a high-speed and efficient person, whether at work or at home, she always has a very clear order of to-do lists. If you want to use a musical metaphor, in this family, the mother is the allegro, the daughter is the middle board, and the father is the slow board. Unlike before, mom now only does what she wants.

When Jingjing was a child, my mother was very busy. By the time mom got off work, she was already asleep most of the time. Sometimes my mother goes abroad to talk about business, and she is not at home for two or three months. In order to buy time for the two to spend together, Guizhi often wakes up early to drop her off at school and reads books borrowed from the library with her. When she first entered kindergarten, Jingjing was surrounded by many foreign classmates, and she was sad because she was not good at English and had difficulty communicating, so she was always alone near the fence on the edge of the playground. My mother bought a picture book of "Prometheus", hoping to make Jingjing interested in Western culture. Kyung-kyung fell in love with magical stories and read more fantasy books one after another. She was particularly fascinated by ancient Greek mythology, in particular.

▲Figure 1 shows Prometheus, Friedrich Fugger; Figure 2 shows Athena helping Prometheus create man, Pompeo Bartony, 1743.

Mother and daughter once drove up the airport expressway in Beijing, and Jingjing saw a billboard on the side of the road — it had not yet been activated, and was obscured by a brick-patterned curtain. Kyung-kyung said to the fake wall, "It's all fake. At that time, Jingjing was still young, about 10 years old, and he was naturally curious and had the urge to ask questions. Mom remembered this moment, "This person is quite special". And Kyung-kyung also planted what he had said in his heart like a seed.

Ancient stories are the spiritual nourishment of Jingjing's growth. In the sixth grade of elementary school, Kyung-kyung draped a white sheet over her body and played the role of an ancient Greek to explain the gods in her mind. Later, she studied classics at Oxford University, and mythology, literature, and philosophy were the content of her classes.

▲Yang Jingjing (first from right) with classmates from Oxford.

"Over the years, I have known that Kyung-kyung has another universe in mind." Katsura writes in the book. When the mother and daughter were interviewed, Katsura told me: "It's a very beautiful thing for me to know Jingjing, this person is a very beautiful person. I mean, even aside from the mother-daughter relationship, I think she's a great person, and I'm glad to know her, and I cherish the experience I had with her. There aren't many friends who can have such a deep communication with me. ”

Land and sea

Gui Zhi recalls that unlike Jingjing, who is very independent and dares to rush forward, Jingjing when he was a child was "more introverted, not very confident, and didn't dare to step over when he saw a crack on the road."

Jingjing liked to read "The Biography of Niu Tianci" written by Lao She when he was a child, and at first Guizhi didn't know why, but later he learned the weight of Lao She in Jingjing's heart. Because of poor physical fitness and poor English, the child didn't know how to get rid of the depression in his heart, but he saw in the book that he was not recognized and the same loneliness as Niu Tianci. Later, the mother and daughter talked about the story again, and read other things, such as interests, values, and moral boundaries.

▲ "The Legend of the Cow" Lao She

 Yilin Publishing House, 2012-5 edition

In the past, when the mother and daughter chatted, most of them talked about family things - school trivialities, company gossip. In high school and college, they chatted more and more widely. A love of books is what they have in common. Another thing they have in common is that they are both highly sensitive to the things around them. Mother and daughter share their books with each other, care about politics, people, and sometimes talk about Palestine, Gaza, and even tax issues. In the river of mother's time, there are also daughters' thoughts flowing into water sources.

Her daughter's daily classes involve classical literature and philosophy, which are also areas of interest to Katsura. Gui Zhi read a book about classical philosophy, and felt that the conversation was general and not precise enough, so he looked for the books in his daughter's class to read. It was a thick academic book that talked about a lot of people and theories. When Guizhi looked at it, he circled the suspicious places in his heart and asked Jingjing. Unexpectedly, Jingjing later told her that she had passed these exams in this course.

There are many books that my daughter reads first. When Katsura was living in England, her daughter came to her residence and left Yukio Mishima's "Afternoon Drag" at her house. After reading it, Katsura began to think, "I never realized that I lived on land. Life on land is stable and unchanging. We always want to be free of wind and danger, and that life on land is social, that there is an established order in society, and that there are rules that are made. A group of kids in the book reminded me of this. ”

Kyung-kyung likes anime, and Katsura and Kyung-kyung watched "Madoka Magical Girl" together. Jing Jing said that this is a story related to justice and righteousness, and the protagonist in the story is just like the hero of ancient Greek tragedy. When Katsura sees young people playing cosplay on the road, she will also take pictures and send them to Jingjing to see. Jingjing said that her mother never instilled in her the usual sayings of East Asian parents - girls should be beautiful and grow up to marry rich husbands; You should study medicine, become a lawyer, and earn a little more money. Mom never put pressure on that. Choosing a big deal like college, my mother let her decide for herself. Although Katsura has written some workplace books, Kyung-kyo has never read them. Gui Zhi believes that the knowledge of the workplace cannot be taught by mother by word and deed, and her daughter has to experience it by herself.

▲Photo provided by the interviewee

There are times when my mother disagrees, such as hygiene, playing the piano, and playing games. The mother and daughter have very different definitions of "clean", and later Guizhi summed up a rule of coping: either clean up yourself, or ignore it. This rule seems to apply in many places. Guizhi urged her daughter to play the piano when she was a child, and later reflected on her lack of respect for her daughter's personal feelings — the piano teacher was so strict that she hiccups nervously even when she went to class. Later, Guizhi learned the piano by herself, and practicing the piano was her own business.

Jingjing fell in love when she was in high school, and the mother and daughter once quarreled about it, and later Guizhi did not object. "Love is beautiful, if you don't fall in love in your teens, when will you fall in love?" She remembered that she had liked people like that when she was a teenager. Jingjing's relationship lasted for 4 years, "She fell in love better than me, and my previous relationships were very short."

Mother and daughter, it can also be two isolated islands 

Although not a generation, Katsura and Kyung-kyo don't seem that different. Katsura said: "Although I have wrinkles, I haven't changed, but my body has changed inexplicably, and that's it." Does time really exist? It didn't exist [for me]. Quantum physics is a science that tells you about the changes in physics, but we can also understand it from other angles. ” 

Gui Zhi said, don't be anxious when you are a mother. She worked hard and couldn't accompany Jingjing too much, which was determined by reality. Mom can't be perfect, and mom can't be asked to be perfect.

Katsura says that anxiety is "wanting everything." For children, she doesn't feel that they need to be very close or hold too tightly. "Children are independent beings, and saplings need time to grow. It is not possible to stipulate that the sapling must reach the established height within 2 years and bloom and bear fruit on time. I respect her for having something different from me. ”

▲The picture on the left shows Lin Guizhi and Yang Jingjing on the streets of Hong Kong; The picture on the right shows Lin Guizhi, courtesy of the interviewee.

The mother and daughter are in two countries, and the frequency of chatting and phone calls is not high. When Kyung-kyung is upset, Katsura will suggest that Kyung-kyung talk to her friends, who will be more convenient to solve her immediate troubles. And Gui Zhi sometimes goes back to Beijing to live with her husband, and sometimes lives alone in Hong Kong, she thinks it's good to be alone, and she likes to be alone.

In another book written by Katsura Zhi, "Not Busy, Not Panic", there is a letter she wrote to her daughter. She described herself and her daughter as two separate islands. Everyone is on their own island, weaving their own story.

▲ "Unhurried" Lin Guizhi 

 CITIC Press, 2023-12

"People go to bars to chat, fall in love, get married and have children, and they always want to share their stories with others, hoping that others will come into their hearts. However, no one can reach another island. Because we are all imprisoned by our 'egos' on an island, no one can leave, and the floating islands can only float on their own.

"What we can do is do our best to write our own story so that it doesn't become vague and clichéd.

"JJ, write your story, I'm waiting on this lonely island, waiting for your voice to read in the wind. As long as you write with your heart, as long as you read sincerely, I will always listen. ”

内容：Felicia

Editor: Yan Fei

Typesetting: Yang Panpan

Caption: Courtesy of the interviewee

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