Many people often fall into such distress in their lives:
No matter how busy you are and how inseparable you are, when you face the requests of those around you, you will always accept them all;
finally accumulated enough courage to reject others, but felt that he was hurting the other party, and felt guilty and blamed for it;
When you want to ask someone for help, you will be mentally building up for a long time, but you are afraid that the other party will be angry and dare not speak.
Therefore, in the eyes of outsiders, he will always be a "good person", and he will always take care of the emotions and feelings of everyone around him.
But this is not the real self, it is that I have been suppressing my emotions, suppressing my feelings, and wronging myself to satisfy others.
Therefore, slowly you will feel that because of playing the "good old man" for a long time, your true self is gradually disappearing.
And I also want to live my true self, but I am afraid that when I live my true self, the relationship will become bad because of it.
Because I have become accustomed to building relationships in a way that gives and pleases.
01.
To build a good relationship, authenticity is more important than giving
If a person is accustomed to being a good person in the relationship, it is easy to be constantly demanded by others, and it is difficult to protect their own rights and interests.
Because the moral narcissism of a good person will make him afraid of destroying the image of a good person in the eyes of others.
And the better a person is, the more he doesn't change, the more he doesn't show his true self, and the harder it will be to gain intimacy.
The reason is that when you are accustomed to only showing the good side, you will be praised by others, but in fact, this way of building a relationship is actually only superficial.
Because a really good relationship, a deep enough relationship, must be built on "authenticity".
That is, only one person reveals their true selves in a relationship, whether it's kind, angry, vulnerable, anxious, or even aggressive.
When each other shows their true nature, unloads their defenses, and exposes both the good and the bad, then the relationship will be built deep enough.
Therefore, for a good person, the sooner you understand that only showing the good side of yourself in the relationship, it is difficult to build a relationship with enough depth.
Playing a good guy at the beginning of a relationship is just a quick shortcut to getting closer to each other.
But in the long run, continuing to be a good person is actually holding back the relationship from going further.
02.
For a really good relationship, you have to dare to express hate
"I'm angry, but I don't say it."
I believe that such a state of mind will exist in many people.
But when you have dissatisfaction and hatred in the relationship, hold back and don't express it, and want to continue to be a good person.
This is actually defending one's own "moral narcissism".
What is Moral Narcissism?
To put it simply, if you are afraid of your image as a good person, because you are destroyed after expressing anger and hatred, you will not be able to continue to retain your image as a good person in the eyes of the other party.
Therefore, many people will also be bound by "moral narcissism", and if they have hatred and dissatisfaction in the relationship, they will hold back and not express it, and slowly accumulate harm.
Although this is to maintain one's moral narcissism all the time, in the eyes of others to maintain a good image of righteousness and selflessness.
But then the thing that comes with it is that when you don't express your anger and don't express your dissatisfaction with the other person, the other person will not know about their problems and problems.
At this time, it will cause the other person to get along with you in the wrong way in the relationship.
And you have to constantly bear the other party's hurt to you, and keep deepening and deepening.
Maybe in this process, the other party also knows that he has done too much, but because you don't resist and don't express it, it will lead to the other party not receiving your personal feelings.
Or maybe you are too vague and ambiguous, which will also lead you to continue to bear the harm caused by the other person.
And you're disrespecting yourself, you're not respecting him, and you're not respecting your relationship.
But if you can respond accordingly to your feelings, get angry when you should be angry, and express your hatred when you should express it.
This is also a sign of respect for the other person, because only if you express this, he will understand that I am not doing it right, otherwise it will be difficult for him to see the problem in himself.
For example, many people in an intimate relationship want their partner to be better, so they will make all kinds of demands to restrain each other, but this forced change will not make a fundamental change.
Maybe the other party temporarily listened to you and made adjustments, but in his heart he was not convinced.
Because any effective change must go through one's own reflection and truly understand where one's shortcomings are.
And being able to express dissatisfaction, hatred, and anger in a relationship can make the other party reflect deeply, which is an opportunity to help him better understand himself.
The famous designer Yohji Yamamoto said: "I" is something that cannot be seen, and it will only be understood when it bounces back into something else.
As a result, the other party will also see their own problems and adjust them, so that your relationship can get along more and more harmoniously.
He became a better person because of it.
03.
People who give too much are prone to pursuing a sense of equality in suffering
When a person always uses the way of giving in the relationship to build the relationship, it is easy to have a "sense of pride".
They usually think like this, you see I'm so good, I'm thinking so much about you.
Because I give, I'm a good person,
This is because when a person is always giving in a relationship, they are able to accumulate a lot of moral capital.
They will feel that they have sacrificed so much for the other person, so they will automatically put themselves in the moral high position.
But as a giver, it is difficult to live comfortably and comfortably, and they will also create conflicts in the relationship and want to pursue a sense of equality in pain.
What do you mean?
When the giver pays enough, he will feel hard and aggrieved, so they will expect the other party to work as hard as themselves.
For example, between husband and wife, the wife is taking care of the children and doing all kinds of housework, she will instruct her husband to work while doing housework, so as to achieve a balance of mentality, if the husband does not move, then wait to be scolded.
And the giver is also in this mentality, although he takes the initiative to pay, but he will also be resentful after paying, and will feel that the other party owes him.
So, don't always be a good person in the relationship, always do things that wronged yourself to fulfill everyone, this will not only make you resentful and make the relationship bad, but also induce others to exploit you.