Marriage is a festive event, but in some places, because of the existence of high bride price, wedding comparison, vulgar marriage and other bad wedding customs, the meaning of a happy wedding has changed; In some places, they also ask for a variety of expenses such as boarding fees, mouth change fees, and hijab fees, and link the wedding bride price with marriage intermediary fees and matchmaker introduction fees, and the heavy economic burden makes many families complain.
It has been a custom since ancient times to hold weddings and give bride prices, and proper etiquette is in line with people's wishes for a good married life. However, bad marriage customs deviate from the original intention of love and the essence of marriage, which can easily lead to comparison, touch the bottom line of morality and law, and affect social harmony and stability.
In order to promote new trends and guide the public to consciously resist bad marriage customs, we will launch a column entitled "Resist High Bride Prices and Advocate Civilized Marriage Customs" from today, so stay tuned.
If according to the original plan, Mr. Deng from Wuhan, Hubei Province, has now married his girlfriend, but he did not expect the rhythm to be disrupted by the bride price - his girlfriend's family offered a bride price of 300,000 yuan.
Considering that his family is not wealthy, he can't get a bride price of 300,000 yuan at once, and the relationship between the two has been very stable before, Mr. Deng and his girlfriend discussed reducing the amount of the bride price, but his girlfriend refused, on the grounds that "she can't change her family's decision".
Mr. Deng is not the only one who has disagreements or even breakups between lovers due to the collapse of the bride price negotiation. In recent years, the issue of high bride price has attracted more and more social attention, and the bride price in some areas is often more than 100,000 yuan or even hundreds of thousands of yuan, and many young people bluntly say that they cannot afford it and cannot get married.
"Sky-high Marriage" comics: Li Xiaojun
A reporter from the "Rule of Law Daily" recently interviewed and found that in addition to the high bride price, the sky-high "matchmaker fee" and the various "boarding fees", "getting off fees" and "change fees" have also invisibly put a heavy financial burden on many families.
A number of interviewed experts pointed out that from blind date to marriage, the causes of various high costs are complex, and they also have the mixed attributes of ethics and law, so it is necessary to treat both the symptoms and the root causes and implement comprehensive policies to effectively manage them. However, changing customs is not a one-day effort, but needs to be done gradually.
In some areas, the bride price is too high
Many families cannot afford it
Mr. Deng's girlfriend is from Fujian, and the two have been in love for more than 3 years, and the two parties agreed to settle in Wuhan. In order to give his girlfriend a happy family, Mr. Deng took out a loan to buy a house in Wuhan. At the beginning of this year, the two parties began to discuss marriage.
Unexpectedly, his girlfriend's family proposed a bride price of 300,000 yuan, and the house should also add his girlfriend's name, and the decoration cost of the house can be paid by the woman.
Mr. Tang did not immediately agree to the above request. He believes that the bride price should be negotiated between the two parties, with full consideration given to the husband's financial conditions. So he proposed two plans to his girlfriend, one is to provide a bride price of 300,000 yuan, and the woman has to marry 300,000 yuan; The second is to provide a bride price of 100,000 yuan, and do not marry.
The girlfriend's family disagreed on the grounds that "if you get married in your hometown, the bride price will be about 300,000 yuan". Now, the two sides are locked in a tug-of-war.
"Because of the bride price, the wedding is far away, and it is too difficult to get married." Mr. Deng was very helpless.
Regarding the issue of bride price, the reporter interviewed a number of local people in Fujian, and everyone said that the bride price of 300,000 yuan is a "normal level". Ms. Yu from Fuqing City said that according to the local customs and habits of Fuqing, if the family conditions are not bad, the bride price is at least 300,000 yuan, and the family conditions are not very good, you can give part of it first, and make up the rest later.
Mr. Qiao, from Jiangsu, was also anxious about the bride price. His girlfriend is a native of Quzhou, Zhejiang, and before getting married, his girlfriend's family proposed a bride price of 288,000 yuan, and the cost of the woman's wedding banquet in the local area was borne by the man, and this part of the banquet money needed to be provided to the woman in advance, calculated at 200,000 yuan.
"I prepared a bride price of 188,000 yuan, thinking it was already very high, but I didn't expect the woman to ask for 288,000 yuan. And I don't understand the fact that the man bears the cost of the return banquet, but after searching on the Internet, I found that there is indeed this custom in Quzhou, Zhejiang. Mr. Qiao said that in this way, the money he wants to provide to the woman is 500,000 yuan, not counting the house, car, and gold and silver jewelry to buy, "the pressure is too great."
Ms. Li from Quzhou told reporters that the lowest bride price in some areas of Quzhou is currently 188,000 yuan, and 288,000 yuan bride price is also common. Generally, this money will be left to the bride's family, and some families will return 28,000 yuan and 88,000 yuan to the man.
"According to local customs, the money for the woman's banquet is paid by the man, and the cost generally does not exceed 100,000 yuan, but if the woman has more relatives or requires a higher grade of the hotel, the cost is not necessarily." Ms. Li said.
According to Jiang Xiaoxian, an associate professor at Xiamen University's School of Law, with the development of society, especially the establishment of "freedom of marriage, monogamy, and equal marriage between men and women", the original compensatory function of the ancient bride price should have been weakened, and the ceremonial function should have been enhanced. However, the reality is the opposite in some places, where people pay more attention to the compensatory function of the "wealth" of the bride price, and gradually forget the symbolic essence of the "gift", thus destroying the equality of the relationship between men and women under the modern marriage system, and greatly limiting the "freedom" of the man's marriage.
Zhang Jinghui, director of Beijing Junyong Law Firm, believes that there are three main reasons for the high bride price: First, affected by the outdated concept that "a high bride price means a good marriage", some women will ask the man to give no less than a bride price of no less than the people around him for the sake of face.
The second is the psychology of comparison. Some areas take the economic level of developed areas as a reference, and look up to the places or families with high bride price, and some families hope to change the situation of family constraints through high bride price, and artificially raise the cost of bride price.
Third, due to the serious patriarchal ideology in some rural areas, which led to the imbalance between men and women, coupled with the small number of women who are willing to marry in rural areas, the problem of the imbalance in the proportion of marriageable men and women in urban and rural areas has been exacerbated. Under the combined effect of a variety of reasons, the development of high-priced bride price or even sky-high bride price.
"The phenomenon of high-priced bride price that has frequently appeared in recent years not only deviates from the original intention of love and the essence of marriage, leads to the commodification of marriage and the materialization of spiritual and ethical relations, but also triggers the wind of involution comparison, which is not conducive to social harmony and stability." Kang Hyo-hyun said.
The cost of matchmaking is rising
The additional charges are suspected of being illegal
In the investigation, the reporter found that in addition to the bride price, the cost of matchmaking has also risen in recent years, and there is a phenomenon that if the man pays more bride price, the higher the matchmaker's performance.
Ms. Chen, from Guangdong, encountered the "sky-high matchmaking fee". She and her boyfriend were introduced to each other by the matchmaker, and the two got along well after falling in love and were ready to get married. When the matchmaker learned that they were going to get married, she immediately asked for the matchmaker's fee.
During the introduction, the matchmaker said that she would charge according to the amount of the bride price. The man's bride price was 108,000 yuan, and the matchmaker wanted to draw 28,000 yuan as the matchmaker's fee. Not only that, but she also asked my boyfriend for an introduction fee of 58,000 yuan, which was charged at both ends. Ms. Chen said that a total of 86,000 yuan of matchmaking fees, who can afford it, and is it reasonable to charge such a high matchmaking fee?
Although they were skeptical and unwilling, Ms. Chen and her boyfriend were worried that the matchmaker would "find fault" when the wedding was held, so they had to discuss with the other party if they could pay less.
Coincidentally, Ms. Liang from Fujian also met a matchmaker with a "lion's big mouth".
"Through the matchmaker, my family arranged a blind date for me, and after seeing the photo, I found that the man was not the type I liked, so I didn't want to go to the appointment, but the matchmaker kept calling and urging, and said that the man's family was rich and could help me get a bride price of 1 million yuan. If successful, she will take 300,000 yuan from the bride price as a matchmaker's fee. Ms. Liang recalled.
Ms. Liang and her family were angry and refused the matchmaker's introduction. Ms. Liang's mother said: "The matchmaker bundles the bride price with the referral fee, and the higher the bride price, the higher the cost, what is the difference between this and 'selling her daughter'?!" ”
Regarding this kind of phenomenon, Jiang Xiaoxian believes that linking the bride price to the introduction fee is not necessarily illegal, and the key depends on whether the parties to the bride price payment are aware of it.
"If the marriage agency or matchmaker expressly agrees with the parties to pay a part of the bride price as a referral fee when providing intermediary services, since both parties are based on autonomy of will, and such an agreement does not violate public order and good customs, in this case it is legal for the marriage agency to extract a certain percentage of the bride price as the referral fee. If the amount of the bride price conveyed by the marriage agency is not the same, for example, the marriage agency conveys to the man that the woman asks for a bride price of 300,000 yuan, but the actual woman only asks for a bride price of 200,000 yuan. If the marriage agency collects an intermediary fee and draws an additional bride price, then its behavior is suspected of violating the law. Kang Hyo-hyun said.
Industry experts pointed out that in real life, matchmakers match unmarried men and women and achieve a good marriage, which is a good thing to help others, but if you take the opportunity to charge high referral fees in the name of this, it violates the principle of public order and good customs, and violates the civilization, rule of law, and integrity advocated by the core values of socialism.
Boarding and alighting ceremonies are frequent
There are many types of wedding expenses
In recent years, expenses such as boarding gifts, alighting gifts, and mouth change fees have also appeared frequently.
Ms. Ye, from Henan, who will get married in the second half of this year, shared with reporters a detailed list of wedding expenses she made, which said that the car ceremony and the car exit ceremony totaled 20,000 yuan, and the change of mouth fee was 10,000 yuan.
"According to local customs, the boarding ceremony and getting off the bus ceremony are given by the man, and the specific amounts include 20,000 yuan, 40,000 yuan, 60,000 yuan, 80,000 yuan, and 100,000 yuan." Ms. Ye said that this is very stressful for ordinary families, considering that her boyfriend's family background is average, it is not easy to pay this fee in addition to the bride price, and finally the two parties negotiated 20,000 yuan.
When Ms. Ding, a native of Linyi, Shandong Province, who got married last month, received a lipstick envelope of 10,001 yuan from the man's parents, which was taken from the meaning of "one in a thousand".
According to Ms. Ding, the change fee is "one for both men and women", and Ms. Ding's parents will also prepare the same amount of red envelopes for the man. The red envelope expenditure in the wedding is generally "back and forth", relatively less concerned about the amount of money, will tend to choose a good number of meanings, with 6 and 8 are more common, and there are also special meanings, such as 9999 yuan meaning "long and long".
"When I got married, I didn't receive the money for the car, and my relatives were not happy and asked the man to give a drop-off gift, otherwise the wedding would not be held. Later, after repeated negotiations, the man agreed to make up the 8,800 yuan for getting off the bus. Ms. Ding said that for migrant workers with a monthly salary of only five or six thousand yuan, this money is not a small amount, and it takes a few months to save enough.
When Ms. Chen from Jiangsu got married, the boarding ceremony and the exit ceremony were 6,000 yuan each, the woman's parents paid 6,000 yuan for changing their mouths, and the man's parents paid 4,000 yuan for changing their mouths. In addition, according to the man's custom, the woman is required to kowtow to the man's parents when she gets married, and Ms. Chen receives a kowtow gift of 2,000 yuan.
Jiang Xiaoxian believes that many of the mainland's fares and re-entry fees are derived from the bride price, and have a certain basis for customs and habits. If only a modest boarding fee and a change fee are required for a symbolic amount, it is still a social custom and should be respected. However, if the boarding fee and the change fee are too high, the custom may be alienated into a "tool" for the woman to demand high sums of money, and should be resisted.
"At present, the cost of marriage mainly includes the down payment for the purchase of a house, the purchase of a car, the bride price, the engagement wedding, the three golden gifts and other expenses, many young people and their families will buy a house and a car as a prerequisite for marriage, which has virtually greatly increased the cost." Zhang Jinghui said that young people can appropriately change the mentality of buying a house and a car as a prerequisite for marriage, and all sectors of society should also help young people reduce the "burden of high marriage costs", such as banks can give newlyweds lower loan interest rates and other related favorable policies, and enterprises with good business development should also assume social responsibility and give some subsidies to newlywed employees.
Solidly promote the reform of marriage customs
Establish a new style of healthy marriage customs
In order to further promote the change of customs, strengthen the construction of civic morality in the new era, form good social customs, and promote marital happiness and family harmony, the Ministry of Civil Affairs issued the "Guiding Opinions on Carrying out Pilot Work on the Reform of Marriage Customs" in May 2020, emphasizing the active advocacy and promotion of traditional weddings that embody excellent Chinese culture, constantly endowing the connotation of the times, enriching the forms of expression, and providing high-quality carriers for enhancing cultural self-confidence. Carry out the rectification of unhealthy trends such as sky-high bride prices, extravagance and waste, vulgar marriage troubles, and comparison with gifts, establish and improve long-term mechanisms, and promote the improvement of the social atmosphere.
Starting from 2021, 32 experimental areas for marriage customs reform will be established across the country in two batches, and each experimental area will be guided to explore experience and create models in advocating simple and moderate marriage customs and etiquette, governing unhealthy trends in the field of marriage customs, and cultivating a civilized and healthy marriage customs culture.
Civil affairs departments in various localities have also taken the initiative to identify a large number of experimental units at different levels. As of November 2023, a total of 1,806 experimental units of various types have been established across the country, forming a good situation of national, provincial, municipal, and county reform of marriage customs.
So, what can be done in practice to better promote the implementation of marriage customs reform?
Zhang Jinghui proposed that it is necessary to formulate industry norms to purify the marriage market, eradicate the problem of matchmakers asking for sky-high fees, and at the same time explore the establishment of a public welfare marriage platform to provide public services and solve the problem of young people's marriage and mate selection. The Provisions of the Supreme People's Court on Several Issues Concerning the Application of Law in the Trial of Cases Involving Disputes over Bride Price (hereinafter referred to as the "Provisions") came into force on February 1 this year, which once again reiterates the prohibition of extorting property through marriage.
"Regarding the issue of bride price, the relevant departments have attached great importance to it, but to cool down the high-priced bride price, we still need the joint efforts of the whole society." Zhang Jinghui proposed that on the basis of respecting local traditional marriage customs, we should advocate the establishment of a new style of healthy marriage customs, make good use of incentive and restraint mechanisms such as "the most beautiful family" and "integral supermarket", and stimulate the internal motivation to change customs.
Jiang Hsiao-hsien said that there is no specific regulation at the legal level regarding the high bride price and its resistance. Although the Civil Code prohibits arranged marriages, buying and selling marriages and other acts that interfere with the freedom of marriage, and prohibits the extortion of property through marriage, it is difficult to classify high bride prices as the category of buying and selling marriages and extorting property through marriage. The "Provisions" only stipulate that the bride price cannot be claimed in the name of marriage, but does not make specific provisions on high-priced bride price. However, at the local level, there is legislation on resisting high-priced bride prices, such as the Liangshan Yi Autonomous Prefecture in Sichuan Province in 2022, which promulgated and implemented the "Liangshan Yi Autonomous Prefecture Regulations on Changing Customs and Customs", and the local relevant departments jointly issued a document in accordance with the regulations stipulating that the bride price should not exceed 100,000 yuan, and carried out special governance actions to achieve good social results.
Jiang Xiaoxian believes that the management of various unreasonable expenses in marriage requires not only hard laws to keep the bottom line, but also soft laws to systematically implement policies. As far as the design of the hard-law system is concerned, the focus is on effectively safeguarding the freedom of marriage and the marriage system of equality between men and women, prohibiting the use of high bride prices to interfere with the freedom of marriage, and the interception of gift money as referral fees in violation of the autonomy of the parties, and the comprehensive use of civil, administrative and criminal liability as safeguards. As far as the design of the soft law system is concerned, the key lies in giving play to the regulatory role of various political parties, groups, and organizations.
"The self-discipline role of village (resident) committees, industry associations, and other organizations that have greater influence on their members can be brought into full play, and they may be encouraged to include the boycott of high-priced bride prices in village rules and conventions, residents' conventions, and organizational charters. It is necessary to give full play to the exemplary and leading role of the majority of party members, do a good job in the ideological work of relatives, friends, and family members, and when necessary, guide and restrain the majority of party members through internal party regulations, so as to consolidate the mass foundation for resisting high-priced bride prices. At the same time, it is necessary to strengthen publicity and guidance, disseminate typical cases and typical deeds of new and simple marriages, 'low bride price' and 'zero bride price', and encourage the masses to consciously practice the new style of civilization. Kang Hyo-hyun said.
Source: Rule of Law Daily