Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
For each of us, we want to have a happy marriage. But unfortunately, many marriages become more and more unhappy.
To be honest, we have to face a harsh reality: some marital unhappiness is really beyond our control.
If you think about it carefully, in fact, there are already "signs" of many marital problems before marriage.
In other words, some marital misfortunes may have been doomed from the beginning.
01
Character determines destiny
There is a saying that "character determines destiny". In fact, personality also has a great impact on marriage.
It's not just your own personality, it's also up to you to see if you and your partner's personality are compatible.
For example, you are a person who likes to be quiet and does not like to join in the fun, but you have found a partner who wants to run out every day and likes to make friends.
It may seem fresh at first, but after a long time, the problem comes.
You want to read a book quietly at home, but he wants to take you out to a friend's party. If this continues, there will definitely be more and more friction between the two people.
Therefore, when we are looking for the other half, we must not only look at how the other party looks and whether the conditions are good, but more importantly, look at whether the personalities of the two people are compatible.
As the old saying goes, "Like gathers like, and people divide into groups." ”
People with similar personalities tend to be happier with each other.
Therefore, when we are in love, don't be dazzled by sweet words, and we must observe each other's personality to see if it is really suitable for us.
02
Differences in values, invisible rifts
In addition to personality incompatibility, the difference in values between two people is also a big problem.
To put it simply, values are what a person thinks is important and what is not.
If the values of the husband and wife are very different, it is easy to have contradictions in daily life.
For example, a person feels that he should save money, save money, and plan for the future. Others, on the other hand, feel that they should be happy in time to enjoy the moment.
This kind of difference may not seem like anything at first, but over time, it will have a great impact on the marriage.
As Voltaire said, "The difference in values is the farthest distance between people."
If two people have completely opposite values, it is difficult for the relationship to last long, no matter how good it is.
Because, this difference is fundamental and not as easy to resolve as some small contradictions.
Therefore, when we are looking for the other half, in addition to looking at whether the personality is suitable, we also have to see whether the values are consistent.
03
The profundity of the family of origin
There is a saying that says, "Parents are their children's first teachers." "This is exactly what happened.
The home we grew up in had a huge impact on us.
Many times, we don't realize that some of the practices in marriage are actually learned from our parents.
If a person has a bad family environment when he is a child, such as his parents often quarrel or fight, then when he grows up, he may also behave similarly to his parents in his marriage.
It's not that he wants to learn, but those behaviors are already deeply imprinted in his mind.
For example, when a person was a child, he always saw his parents arguing over a trivial matter, so after he got married, he might also quarrel with his other half because of some small conflicts.
This situation, I guess even he didn't realize it, it was all an instinctive reaction.
So before getting married, it's really not a bad thing to learn more about each other's families.
In this way, we can understand each other better, know in advance what problems may arise, and then work together to figure out how to solve them.
Then, our marriage can be more stable and avoid following the old path of our parents.
04
Marriage needs to be run and maintained
Of course, although we have said a lot before, it seems that unhappy marriages are a "fate" factor. But in fact, we are not completely helpless.
Marriage, in fact, is like our own "little garden", which needs to be watered, fertilized and pruned with care.
For example, there should be more communication between two people. If there is any problem, don't hold back, sit down and have a good chat. Many times, it's not a big deal, it's just a lack of communication, which leads to deeper and deeper misunderstandings.
For example, learn to be inclusive. Who doesn't have some faults and shortcomings? Don't always stare at each other's shortcomings, but look at their strengths. There is no perfect partner, there is no perfect marriage, give up the idea of perfection.
For another example, when two people are together, they do not stop moving, but make progress together. In the face of all kinds of life, we must work together to become a better version of ourselves.
Even if the marriage is unhappy, don't run away, solve it well, as long as we are willing to put effort into management, a happy marriage can be within reach.