Recently, many friends have confided in me about their troubles, all of which are related to "companionship":
- "I want to accompany my parents when I go home on May Day, but I only know how to watch TV with them"
- "After being in love for a long time, each other's company has become lying together and playing with mobile phones"
- "My friend is at a low point and wants to accompany him but doesn't know what to do"
……
Perhaps, we have all encountered all of the above.
As the companion, you may feel that although you are staying together, you still don't feel "accompanied".
As the one who wants to accompany others, you put in the time and energy, but you can't achieve satisfactory results.
Over time, we may be confined to a fixed "companionship mode" and not know how to improve.
But research has found that companionship is strongly associated with better emotional state and higher relationship well-being (Janina Lüscher, etal. 2022).
If a person does not always receive ideal companionship in a relationship, it can have many negative effects on the relationship.
Last week, we launched a call for questions about when you were truly accompanied.
After reading everyone's answers, I found that in fact, as long as you pay attention to some small details, the quality of companionship can be improved a lot.
Let's take a look.
Put down your phone and give your attention to the other person
@万万
After getting to know my boyfriend, I realized what it was like to be with another person when the rest of the world dimmed.
We stop looking at our phones when we eat and are immersed in the quality of sharing food with each other.
Even my phone prompted me that screen time had dropped quite a bit.
@小鱼
When I saw this keyword, I immediately thought of ex. At that time, my parents had some problems in the physical examination, and the old man was distressed about the money and was reluctant to take medicine, which made me collapse when I could only communicate through the screen.
Another communication was fruitless, I broke down and confided in EX (we were still together at the time), he put down his phone very seriously and listened to me, and finally he started to cry as well, and then hugged me tightly in his arms and patted me on the back to comfort me.
I felt that at that time, he not only provided physical companionship, but also empathized with my emotions very seriously.
You are present when needed
@Kai
Two years ago, my dog died suddenly of an illness, and it only took one morning from the emergency hospital in the morning to the decision to euthanize him with his family.
I was scared, sad, and blamed myself. It was my buddy F who stayed with me on the other end of the phone, asking me how I was going, and calmly telling me after understanding the situation, "Kai, it could be today".
When I got home after everything was taken care of in the hospital, I was calm, but as soon as I closed my eyes, the memories all came flooding back, and they were too clear to be bearable.
In the evening F invited me out, we both rode our bikes, parked our bikes to the side, sat side by side on the steps and ate yogurt, TA listened to me talk about the process of the day again, and I listened to TA talk about the death of others that TA had experienced. That night, I cried and laughed, but luckily I wasn't alone.
@tt
Recently, in a tired relationship, I was repeatedly pulling and talking to my friends, and she never thought I was annoying, but listened carefully to what I said, and could see my feelings.
When this exhausting relationship finally came to an end, I told her as soon as possible, and she said to me, "You've really worked hard during this time." ”
At that time, even though I was through the screen of my phone, I really felt the feeling of being accompanied. I also want to say to my friends, thank you, I will always be with you.
@开开
When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, two colleagues who were close to me braved the heavy rain to bring snacks and drinks to accompany me. Later, the relationship was successfully upgraded to a good friend.
Do what they like
@靠谱的小姐姐
I'm a girl, and I love to play games, especially the coin-operated ones in the video game city. Sometimes when I go to the arcade, my mom will accompany me, and I drive a race car or a taiko drum or something like that, and my mom will watch it intently.
Playing simple games like shooting and shooting, she would play with me and laugh together. And I was like, wow, my mom is so cool, she really loves me so much.
@康康
I want to talk about my husband: I haven't been able to swim for more than 20 years, and when I was a child, I was psychologically shadowed by my father's oppressive education, and he heard me talk about these things before I got married. After I got married, I offered to learn to swim, and he took me to the pool and taught me from scratch.
He doesn't go to the fast swim lane himself, he just follows me lap after lap. Dive down and observe my posture, then ask questions, solve problems, and encourage me to praise me all the time. Thanks to him, now I know how to swim!
@莉莉
My friend Mary and I have known each other for seven years, and I always find my fresh self with her, and I always feel that my soul has been sublimated.
A few days ago, we went to Baligou, she wanted to shoot a video of Murong Yunhai shouting and confessing Chu Yuxing's lines, I was very willing to cooperate with her, the two of us shouted nervously all the way, and we didn't care about other people's eyes.
As long as I'm with her, I'll be brave and we'll be immersed in our own world. Maybe that's the real companionship!
Sometimes, actions are more powerful than words
@余鱼
It was winter, and I was confused after the school exams. My friend Big Tree accompanied me to bask in the sun on the lawn next to the hallway, and the sun was pouring down like snowflakes.
The two of them didn't say a word, didn't hold hands, didn't hug, I walked in front, and the big tree followed silently. At that time, I felt that the love of friends was so precious, without words, like the sunshine in winter.
@匿名
The first time I attended an academic conference, the first paper to be presented after the most powerful professor in the whole forum, and I was the youngest researcher among them, and I have been trying my best to restrain my nervousness and uneasiness.
The audience was listening carefully to the professor's sharing, but my mentor noticed me. The tutor held my already cold hand under the table, gave me silent encouragement and support, gave me the courage to take the first step as an academic novice, and accompanied me throughout the speech.
@虞洛羽
I fell out of love, ran to a friend's house, and poured bitter water on her for the nth time, but she didn't teach me a long lecture, but quietly roasted sweet potatoes with me, cooked dinner together, and watched movies with me in the dead of night, and we leaned side by shoulder like that.
@Jeanine
Every time I quarrel with my family and talk to my boyfriend on a video call, he will listen to me very carefully, sometimes I am very emotional, I will cry all the time, he will look at me and respond to me when I call him.
He wouldn't tell me any specific methods, just quietly accompanied me and watched me, and I would feel healed.
Willing to give time to the other person (even if it doesn't reciprocate)
@浅浅
On Saturday afternoon, on a whim, I said to my boyfriend that we should go to see the sunset in the afternoon. He looked at the weather and said he might not see it today. I still insisted on going, and when I got to the viewpoint, I found that the weather was not good, and there was no shadow of the sunset at all.
I was a little depressed, but my boyfriend said it didn't matter, if we hadn't watched the sunset, we might have been in the house all day, and now we could take this opportunity to ride by the river.
The cycling path by the river is very long, and there is a different kind of romance surrounded by flowers and plants, and we rode for more than an hour before we couldn't see the road clearly. Along the way, we discover new landscapes and create new experiences.
There are many more similar things, because of the company of my boyfriend, I have an extra pair of eyes to see the surprise of the world, and this is the power and meaning of real companionship that I feel.
@Ariel
Because of study and work, my sister and I don't actually spend much time together, but we will try to squeeze out time, just for the two of us to be together, eat a meal together, take a walk together, soak our feet together, complain about our grievances, I can feel that she also likes this state, and at the same time, she will listen very carefully and give advice very seriously.
Sometimes I feel that as an older sister, I ask for more emotional value than hers, but she has never shown impatience, and now that I think about it, this is companionship.
See the "inner needs" of the other person and be willing to meet them
@婕婕
I would often cry until I couldn't speak, and the therapist would never stop me, just silently hand over the paper. She didn't try to force me to encourage me, she just sighed softly together, and I felt that it would be nice to sigh together.
She allows me to have emotions, accepts my emotions, and does not blindly ask me to be "strong", "brave", "face it myself", and never thinks I am "sensitive" and "make a big fuss". Just tell me, "Some people think it's nothing, but we're just more delicate and feel like we can't accept it, and that's okay!"
@阿何
When I was very depressed, I felt like my friends were chatting together, but I just couldn't integrate into the world, so I felt that I was lonely, and I was against the world.
One day my cousin wrote me a long letter, she didn't understand bipolar or why I was so uncomfortable, but she wrote a lot of small things that I wanted to do before but hadn't done yet, and at that moment I felt that I was not alone, even if we were not in the same place, but she really paid attention to me, loved me, and it was she who dragged me back to the world.
At last
In this call, we also asked you a question: what do you think is the key to determining the quality of companionship? There is a word mentioned by many friends - "heart".
Perhaps, no matter what methods are used, "heart" is the key and foundation for companionship. I believe that as long as you put your mind to it, the other party will definitely feel it and get satisfaction from this time of being accompanied.
I hope that friends who read this article can not only learn how to accompany others, but also feel the moment of being "truly accompanied".
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This article is from the WeChat public account: Simple Psychology, author: Simple Psychology APP
#陪伴##友情##亲情#