Author: Mu Qingye, the main creative group
A parent often complained to me.
Other people's children are sensible and obedient, but her son is like a strong seed, no matter how much he says, he will not listen to it.
Every time she opened her mouth, her son always said: "I know! I am not a fool, I talk about it every day, and it is endless!"
She can't figure it out, she is just standing in the perspective of her parents, wanting to educate her child well, afraid that the child will take a detour, so she will provide him with some suggestions and methods from people who have come over, why is it so annoying to the child?
After learning about how she gets along with her children, I found that:
The boy's mother has been very anxious. She is very demanding of her son, and she is also very nervous about getting along with her children.
Every time the child does something, she will be like Tang Seng chanting, guiding over and over again.
Every time her son is a little impatient, she will sacrifice her head meditation: "I am your mother, you were born and raised by me with my life, how can I harm you." I didn't teach you for your own good......"
At this time, his son silently bowed his head and said no more.
But the more she talked, the more energetic the mother was, while shedding tears, recalling that it was not easy for her to give birth to a child; on the one hand, she complained that the child was now too old to listen to her and didn't listen to her anymore; on the other hand, she went through the old accounts and counted all kinds of mistakes that her son made because he did not listen to her teachings.
When she finally finished complaining, her son became even more silent.
Some people say that between parents and children, because of the fate of childbirth, they were once friends of life and death.
However, in the process of raising children to grow up, parents need to change their identities and become their children's spiritual comrades-in-arms, from friends of life and death to irreversible friends who grow up with their children.
When parents and children get along, they can not only carry the grace of life and death friends, but also have the love of irreversible friends.
Parental conceit
It is the biggest black hole in raising children
There is an old saying that the trouble of people is to be a good teacher.
In fact, the trouble of parents is also good for parents.
The role of nurturing, once standing on a high place, the result of nurturing will be greatly reduced.
I read such a story in the book.
One morning, the mother who was sleeping was woken up by her daughter, looked at her daughter in a daze and said that she wanted to give herself a gift.
Under the pillow, the mother took out the bill torn in half, and was puzzled, so she heard her daughter say:
"Mom, this is half of my gift to you, and I put the other half under Dad's pillow. ”
After listening to her daughter, the alarm bell sounded in her mother's head.
She didn't expect her daughter's concept of money to be so weak, she felt that this was not good, and she must take this opportunity to tell her daughter about the value and use of money.
But she suddenly realized that it was better not to rush to "lesson" the child first.
So, she turned her head and expressed her gratitude to her daughter for her willingness to share her money equally with her father and mother.
Sure enough, as she expected, her daughter was very happy when she heard her mother's praise.
She sighed afterwards:
In the process of raising children, we parents often have a strange conceit, that is, we always have to stand in the role of parents and want to teach our children something.
But what we worry about as parents is completely different from what our children really care about.
It's like when her daughter shares her gifts with her mom and dad, she doesn't think about the value of the money or how it should be spent.
Her daughter is just thinking about showing her parents her equality and generosity, and then expecting to receive happy feedback from her parents.
However, when giving feedback on what the child is doing, the parent's focus is often to ignore the child's immediate needs and instead turn to meet our own needs, such as always wanting to seize every opportunity to reason with the child.
It reminds me of a video I've seen before.
The boy scored 98 points and excitedly told his parents, but all they cared about was how he lost two points.
As an old mother who worries about her children's grades every day, I actually fully understand this parent's thoughts.
It's not that this parent can't see the child's progress and can't feel the child's excitement.
It's just that he wants his child to be better too much.
It also has to do with the way we were educated as children.
Our parents, like us today, regard educating their children as an unshirkable responsibility of parents. Once it's a responsibility, you can't go into battle easily.
For example, when a child makes progress and achievements, our parents and our first reaction is rarely to praise the child, but to warn the child not to be proud, to be down-to-earth and humble, and strive for more progress next time.
"The Awakening of Parents" wrote: The traditional way of parents is linear and hierarchical, and parents condescendingly control everything.
In other words, we will always automatically treat our children as a vulnerable group, thinking that they are young and know less, so we want to teach them our cognition and experience, but this is actually a disguised control with conceit.
As psychological expert Wu Zhihong said, when parents always want to teach their children something, they are actually putting themselves in a high position in the dimension of narcissism.
However, when the parents stand tall, the children squat short.
Children need their own experiences
And not the experience of parents
Some time ago, Mr. Yu Minhong drove himself to Tibet and rushed to the hot search, he said that he always had a dream of walking in his heart.
It reminds me of a story he once told.
He grew up in Xu Xiake's hometown and grew up listening to Xu Xiake's stories.
When he was six or seven years old, his mother took him on a steamer from the Yangtze River to Shanghai.
Sailing all the way, looking at the vastness of the river and the bright lights, at that moment, as a young man, he planted the seed of "becoming Xu Xiake" in his heart.
Years later, he wrote in his article that the so-called "standard answers" of adults do not teach children who have the ability to think independently and be independent.
Only children's own authentic experiences can cultivate their enthusiasm for life and make it possible to embrace a richer life in the future.
Lei Jun once shared a very interesting point: people with experience are more likely to succeed in entrepreneurship.
He believes that our traditional education is result-oriented, the pursuit of results, and the pursuit of correctness.
But it ignores that a really good education is oriented to hands-on ability and practical ability. And these abilities need to be practiced again and again to be cultivated through trial and error.
But what he feels is most regrettable is that our culture doesn't seem to be tolerant of mistakes.
Nowhere is this more evident than in education, where we pursue our children's grades and hope that they will excel, in the final analysis, we want them to achieve what we believe is the right and successful goal.
But as Lei Jun said, too much worship of success and correctness essentially negates the importance of experience.
Growing up is something that children experience on their own, not on the experience of their parents.
Relying on the experience and discipline of parents, children are only growing into miniature versions of parents as they are expected by their parents, and only with real experiences can children give birth to their own experiences and desires from these experiences.
Psychologist Huang Shiming once said: "In a relationship, never get involved in the fate of others." ”
Children are characters who will only be true to their own sense of experience.
It is far more important for a child to find out why for himself than for his parents to tell him what directly.
As parents, our feelings of powerlessness are present in every moment of our child's growth.
However, children can only gain their own experience through their own attempts, efforts, failures, and successes, and then form a self-consistent system for their own thinking and growth.
In this process, parents can only be participants, or only reference and guide, but they can never be the controllers.
Become a spiritual comrade-in-arms of your child
When he mentioned how he raised his daughter, he said that the most important thing in education is to become friends between parents and children.
When his daughter is doing her homework, he basically doesn't stare at it, but chooses another way to "accompany".
His daughter told him that he was good at English, and Lei Jun told his daughter that he was good at math.
After that, the two became teachers to each other, learned together, and grew together.
Many of our parents tend to fall into a misunderstanding when raising children, which is that they always think that education is a unilateral influence.
Actually, education should be interactive.
Parents influence children, and children influence parents, treat each other as mirrors, and then, grow each other in questioning, acknowledging, reflecting, and improving.
In this process, the relationship between children and parents is a kind of mutual spiritual comrade-in-arms and mutual friendship.
I saw a video on the Internet.
The boy asked his mother, "Why do you have to restrict every time I play with my phone?"
Mom replied: "Because playing with your phone is your desire, the need should be satisfied, but the desire needs to be controlled." ”
When I first saw this answer, I was very impressed. Hurriedly turned his head and said to his daughter who was swiping her mobile phone, but what could be exchanged was only a roll of her daughter's eyes and the sound of the bedroom door closing.
Later, I began to reflect and realized:
The truth is true, but the way to reason is wrong.
When we give our children reason and experience, we are actually putting ourselves on a moral high position to educate our children, which may have a little effect on young children, but once the child's self-consciousness awakens, he will begin to rebel against this mode of getting along with being educated.
This kind of education pushes parents to the opposite side of their children, the overwhelm of the high, instead of becoming one with the child, and communicating on an equal footing with the intimacy between parents and children.
Where there is oppression, there is resistance.
With that in mind, I switched the way I interacted.
I lay there by myself and swiped my phone for a while, and then I hurriedly started to work.
Of course, I showed it all in front of my daughter.
After that, I chatted with her seemingly unintentionally, complaining to her that I was delaying my normal work because I was playing with my phone for too long. And ask her how she plans her time to play with her mobile phone and study?
At first, my daughter didn't trust me very much. But after seeing that I was very sincere in asking her for help, I instantly opened the conversation.
Not only did she share with me a lot of her time planning methods, but she also reflected on me, saying that she herself has been a little slacking off recently.
I blurted out the sentence: "Because playing on your phone is your desire, the need should be satisfied, but the desire needs to be controlled." ”
Unexpectedly, my daughter's attitude was completely different from the first time she heard me say this, and she agreed again and again.
Only then did I react, it was also reasonable, I used to tell her what I wanted her to do as a disciplinarian of my parents, and to put it bluntly, it was my wishful thinking.
But this time, I stood with her and became a comrade-in-arms who could understand her side by side author, and the so-called truth was just the emotion and summary that we came together after communicating on an equal footing.
One is the truth of the parents, and the other is the truth that the child thinks is the truth he has realized.
One is to treat the child as a subordinate, and the other is to resonate with the child.
It just changed the way we interacted, but the result was completely different.
It is no wonder that some psychologists say that the real highest level of parenting is not the process of parents using the "right" way to raise the "right" children, but the process of parents discovering the true heart and needs with the children and making changes in the way of "with" the children.
Parents and children can become each other's spiritual comrades-in-arms, advance and retreat together, and grow together.