Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
Any relationship needs to be managed, and a good parent-child relationship is no exception, and when you feel that it is difficult to get along with your child, it must be the wrong method
Since writing today, my daughter and I have been angry for a week
During this time, she ignored me, and I ignored her
The most incomprehensible thing is that my daughter and I have always had a good relationship
I was able to respect her opinion, and she was gentle with me, rarely yelling at the top of her voice
But last week, I took her to my relative's sister's house for a visit, and after her 7-year-old daughter said hello to us, she went back to her room to do her homework
Sister Wang asked her to come out to play with the children and put her homework on the next day
Unexpectedly, the girl refused directly, and told: "I'd better finish my homework and play again, otherwise I won't be sure."
After listening to these words, I thought that it would be a good thing if my daughter could be inspired by it
But because I said: "Look at how much Aunt Wang's daughter cares about learning, if you want to learn more, you should finish your homework first, and then go to play"
After hearing this, the daughter "snorted" and left, and then ignored the people
In the beginning, like my grandmother, I felt that I was jealous, and I couldn't see that others were better than her, and I couldn't listen to bad things about her
It is more commonly known as: "I listen to a lot of good words, but I am spoiled"
It wasn't until a week of dismay, that my daughter carefully showed me the paper on her progress in the exam, and when I praised her, "Awesome, much better", her eyes lit up again
At that glance, I suddenly realized: "No matter how good a relationship is, it needs to be managed and reflected"
Especially when the relationship between you and your child is bottlenecked and you feel tired and anxious to get along, then you should find more reasons from yourself, adjust communication in time, and open your heart with your child, which is the key force that we can have an impact on your child
Just as after a week of being angry with my daughter, I found the four big pitfalls of parenting from the past discipline, and I hope to give you a reminder today:
01
There can be no sense of privilege
The best way to raise a child is to set an example
Before my daughter was born, I often learned a lot about parenting, and I hope that I can really "work with a certificate" in my continuous learning
Especially when it comes to personal manners and table manners for children, I have always believed that this is fundamental and indispensable
In order to do this well, I also strictly require my daughter to do a good job of table manners
Including: before eating, you must wait for the elders to move the chopsticks first, and during the meal, you can't just take the chopsticks to rummage on the plate, play with the turntable on the table as a toy, and even say hello after eating: "I'm done eating, you eat slowly"...
But these requirements, in front of familiar people, the daughter can do well, and when she meets a living person, she is shy and afraid to speak
There were so many times, after being criticized for not saying hello after eating, she was reluctant to eat at the same table for a long time, and every time she hid in the bedroom alone with dishes and chopsticks
Seeing that I was so carefully bound by the rules at such a young age, I felt that I was indeed a little too much at that moment
Looking at my daughter, who is already timid and introverted, I decided not to be bound by rules anymore, and I will not force her to do things she doesn't want to do
Later, although her daughter's timidity of being afraid of people and not wanting to eat at the same table was improved, the sense of privilege that broke the table manners because of guilt also laid a hidden danger for later teaching
Probably because of the sense of privilege, my daughter has become more talkative when she eats since she regained her "freedom".
I once went to a relative's house for dinner, and because I didn't see the dishes I liked, I began to say without words: "These dishes are so unpalatable, none of them like them"
As soon as the words were spoken, the scene became awkward for a while, and I pulled my daughter and said, "Why do you talk like that, it's so rude."
As a result, the daughter said with a handful of snot and tears: "I just want to express that there is no food I like to eat"
It was that sentence that convinced me of the necessity of table manners and made me realize that the best way to raise children is to set an example
And it's not that our children don't know how to show table manners, it's that they don't know how to express themselves correctly in the face of their own needs
It's like when my daughter wants to eat a certain dish, the thought that flashes through her mind is "these dishes are not as good as the one I like"
It's also like some children like to play with the table turntable as a toy, and the original intention is to find the dish they like
At this time, it is necessary for parents to guide correctly and set a good example
If you want your child to have good table manners, mobilize the whole family to create such an environment
For example, when you want to eat something, your mouth is sweeter, and you directly say the appeal: "You made such and such a dish, and now I am drooling when I think about it, and I want to eat it again"
Or, when the dish you want to eat is too far away to be clasped, politely ask, "Can you help me grab some of that dish?"
Expressing demands correctly and communicating politely with others is the right way for us to cultivate children's table manners
02
Habits should be cultivated early
It's best done with both parents
Raising a child is a long road that requires methods, perseverance, and even more waiting, and having a good habit is also an effective way to make this road smooth
A friend once told me that raising a boy for one day is equivalent to working overtime for half a month without sleep
At first, I thought she was exaggerating, but after really seeing it, I really understood the helplessness and brain-staking involved
On several occasions, when we had free time on the weekends, we would take our respective children out to play
Sometimes it's a playground, sometimes it's a mountain climb, and sometimes it's a park to set up a tent to feel the beauty of nature
But every time, whenever a friend shows up with her son, it will not stop
It's not about grabbing toys, food and drink with other children, or you can't stay in one place to play together, and you're always running around and causing trouble alone
Once, when we were tired of playing in the park, everyone went back to the tent for a lunch break
As a result, in less than ten minutes, the boy quietly opened the tent and didn't know where to run while his mother was not paying attention
When everyone found out that the boy was missing, they all hurriedly searched around, and finally found the boy in front of a treehouse
The friend was angry, and said to her son at the time: "You are simply a scourge, don't expect me to take you out to play in the future"
After hearing this, the boy was not to be outdone, and directly retorted: "If you don't take me out to play and pull down, I will go out myself"
The scene became tense for a while, and my friend's heart of thinking about knives couldn't be hidden at all
The boy, on the other hand, never showed any fear or desire to de-escalate the situation
This is a typical "late management", and it is also a manifestation of not developing good habits
To be honest, without realizing this, my relationship with my daughter was also in a strained relationship of quarrels
Later, after realizing that criticism could not make children wake up, I gave up complaining and blaming
Whatever my daughter has been holding back, I have started to focus on habit maintenance
For example, after a week of frustration over "do your homework first, then play", I took the initiative to admit that the expression was inappropriate, and then agreed with my daughter to divide the labor and cooperate
That is, every day after school, she does her homework, I cook, and competes to see who can do their own things first, and the person who wins the competition can decide what to do next
In this division of labor, cooperation, competition mode, and fairness and justice, my daughter quickly formed a good study habit, and she can actively "learn first and then play" without being reminded when she comes home from school every day
This is the meaning of parents to "develop habits" together, and the best way to influence their children is to become children first, and then work with children to turn behavior into energy
03
Good things to share
Never say "you eat, I don't like it" anymore
每个孩子最初都是相对于比较单纯的，我们跟孩子讲话也最好是言简意明，就像你把“好东西都省给孩子”的爱之深，孩子能理解的只有话面之意
There is a mother who has a concept of raising children: "Everything is about the children first"
Usually, as long as it is something that the child likes to eat, it is basically put in front of the child, and the chopsticks are not picked up until the rest of the food is gone
Sometimes my daughter asks, "Mom, why don't you eat it?"
Mom's answer was also: "You can eat, I don't like to eat"
Sometimes the daughter will share with the food: "Mom, you can take a bite, just a bite, please"
In order to save that bite, the mother will also say to her daughter: "I don't want it, take it away, you can eat it yourself"
Later, when my daughter grew up, she was very good at eating meat, and every time there were chicken thighs, braised pork, and fish and shrimp on the table, she would put them directly in front of her
In order to have a balanced diet, the mother said to her daughter: "You child, you also know how to leave a little for your mother"
As a result, the daughter just glanced up faintly, and then said impatiently: "You said it yourself, you don't like to eat these, it's a waste for you, it's better to let me eat them all alone"
At that moment, my mother wanted to reach out and pick up the vegetables, but she was ashamed to reach out and pick up the vegetables, and stopped in mid-air and didn't know what to do
At the same time, her heart is also sour, more of a dazed and helpless future
In her words when she was stunned: "I can't bear to eat a bite now, and then I'll have it later"
In fact, in this matter, the main responsibility is still on the mother
There are no children who are born to pick the door and are reluctant to share with their mothers, most of the babies are most attached to their mothers when they are young, and they are most willing to share with their mothers
is like the daughter in the example, when she was a child, in order to let her mother "take a bite", she even coquettishly said urgent words such as "please".
At this time, what the child is most looking forward to in his heart is also the mother's need to eat a bite from his hand, maybe "that bite" can make the child happy for a long time
Therefore, the phrase "everything is child-oriented" is a "pit" in itself, and if you let your child eat alone, the child will naturally take everything for granted
If you want to raise a child who knows how to be grateful, you must first let the child feel love clearly
Especially in the sharing stage of children's dependence, don't be implicitly humble, tell the child "you eat, I don't like it", accept the child's love generously, and the child will really learn to love others and love himself when he is needed
04
Parents cannot be replaced
Don't cancel your father's qualification to bring a baby
For Dad, there are a lot of ridicules on the Internet
Someone said: "Daddy is reliable, sow can climb trees"
Some people also said: "For dad with a baby, don't have so many requirements, it's good to be alive"
In fact, the reason why there is a term "widowed" in parenting is not because of "absence" or "carelessness", but because of the "opportunity" and "feeling" of participation
I know a mother of two children, and her time is very crowded every day
Set an alarm clock at 6:00 in the morning, get up to make breakfast for the eldest daughter, wake up the second daughter in her sleep, and then take the second child to send the eldest to school
After sending the eldest daughter to school, it is also a busy thing to turn around and go home, making supplementary food, feeding the second child, cleaning, coaxing the child to take a nap...
After the eldest daughter gets out of school, she has to take care of Xiaobao, who is waiting to be fed, and tutor the eldest in her studies
Every time I was emotional, I broke down and cried, followed by the eldest crying and the second crying
For this situation, the family members expressed their incomprehension, and even made fun of them: "I have never seen a person like you, and I am angry and crying when I educate a child"
In this way, a person who was originally quite energetic, when he talked about children and family, he couldn't see the light in his eyes
After hearing about her exhaustion, I once persuaded her: "Raising children is not your own business, and it will be much easier to let your family help you more."
Unexpectedly, she first sneered, and then explained: "Dad?
Dig deeper, and listen to my mother tell some about the "car accident scene" of my father with the baby
For example, the eldest daughter stands on the steps and jumps down, and the father stands at the bottom and tells her: "Quick, baby, mom hasn't come here yet, jump down, dad will pick you up"
又或者，洗衣服时让爸爸抱会儿小女儿，结果出来发现孩子如皮球一样，被塞在爸爸的衣服里只露出一个头、根本无法动弹
Listening to my mother's words, there was a distrust of my father's carelessness between the lines
is also after experiencing disappointments with babies again and again, she "canceled" her father's qualification to bring a baby, and a person no longer hopes for his father even if he is too busy
Later, the mother's temper became more and more irritable, and she often quarreled with her father without saying anything, and after the quarrel, she poured her anger on the child
In those years, the most I said to my two daughters was: "If it weren't for you, I would have been free"
At first, children do not understand this sentence, and as they grow older, they become depressed and cautious
It wasn't until I happened to hear my two daughters say, "My mother is so fierce, and my father is so pitiful," that my mother realized that "Dad's existence is also very important"
If a mother is too diligent at home and takes care of everything, the father will lose the opportunity to participate in the child's growth, and the child will also have inner conflicts due to the unbalanced relationship
A mother's short-sighted and thoughtful love can easily become a stumbling block in a child's strong growth
For example, fathers may be careless when taking care of their children, and take care of their children as if they were disgraced and not a bit of a lady or gentleman
But isn't that exactly what childhood is? playing in the dirt and water, playing in the wilderness, bumping and bumping...
And a child who really grows up, they also need to go through this, the eagle can't fly in the birdcage, and our children should not just become greenhouse flowers that can't withstand the wind and rain
Therefore, the father's rough love can give the child the experience of resisting setbacks, and the mother's meticulous care are mutually influential, indispensable to each other, and the father's companionship and influence cannot be replaced by the mother's efforts
The road to raising a baby is not simple, but it is not so complicated, and the secret of easy parenting is also to avoid detours, especially those "pits" on the road to raising a baby must be avoided as much as possible
像我们想要养育孩子的路上更轻松简单一些，那就需要多看多学、多反思了，譬如孩子能欣然接受的教导才是最好的抚养方式
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the "pits" encountered on the road to raising a baby? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!