Talk about "emotional labor": family communication should avoid conceptual crushing

In recent years, "emotional value" has been a buzzword, referring to the extra pleasure of interpersonal interactions. The scene where emotional value is talked about a lot is love and marriage. When a person talks about emotional value, it is usually someone who takes the initiative and makes the other person happy, which creates value. From this came another new concept, "emotional labor".

Some married people are the main resonators of the concept of "emotional labor". For example, some wives believe that in addition to general housework, they arrange their daily household routines, maintain their own emotional stability, export vitality to the outside world, encourage their husbands, and comfort their children, which are all emotional labor. As the saying goes, "Happy wife, happy life", that's what it says.

"Emotional labor" is conceptually flawed

First of all, it should be pointed out that "emotional labor" did not refer to domestic life in the first place, but to a description of a certain type of work. Many service positions (e.g., flight attendants, hotel front desks, medical staff) require employees to provide services with a full emotion and a standard smile. After a long time, the smirk is tiring. This type of work requires physical and mental work, as well as the output of emotional energy, which causes depression at work that the outside world does not know.

When the concept of "emotional labor" emerged, it was mainly studied in this aspect.

Early researchers suggested that the modern service industry is huge, and in addition to traditional mental and physical labor, there is a third type of emotional labor. Such a division is obviously not rigorous. Most mental and physical workers need to adjust their mental state and mindset to make their clients and collaborators (leaders, peers, and customers) happy, and they also do "emotional labor".

Office workers are undoubtedly intellectual workers, and a large part of their stress comes from the workplace environment. Leadership supervision, colleague rejection, collaborators don't know what to say, these are all exhausting. The feeling of many white-collar workers is that they often do nothing and use all their strength just to go to work. The biggest consumption comes from emotional support. Manual workers are also emotionally engaged, from restaurant employees to property security guards to ride-hailing drivers, and low-income manual workers are also tired and tired, but they complain less often.

There are very few jobs that can really be done without emotions and without taking into account the feelings of others. Treating "emotional labor" as a "third type of labor" is actually very unconvincing when classified.

There is also a big problem with "emotional labor", which varies from person to person and is difficult to quantify.

An ordinary service industry job, introverts put a lot of effort into it, and people who are active by nature feel that dealing with people is a source of happiness. Some people do not have the burden of "emotional labor" and actively seek out such positions. Many managers also believe that working with enthusiasm is a proper part of it, and there is a corresponding reward in terms of income. If you do it, you will do it, and if you can't do it, you won't do it, how can you say that it is an extra effort?

Consumers also don't care about the hard work of the service provider. In their opinion, it is difficult for them to detect whether the smile of the service staff is real or fake, so they cannot talk about discriminating treatment. It can even be said that the service staff enjoys it, and that it is better, and the smirk that is forced to support it will only backfire. The more emotional work, the worse the quality of service is likely to be.

Such a reality can be compared with a concept of economics. Traditional economics discusses the issue of value, starting from objective facts, and attributes the source of commodity value to labor input. In the late 19th century, the subjective theory of value was born, and this problem was truly solved. The value of a commodity is determined not by the input and contribution of the laborer, but by the object of the transaction. This is true for goods, and the same is true for services, wishful thinking and self-proclaimed value may not necessarily be recognized.

Emotional labor enters the brain, creating family conflicts

Understanding the conceptual flaws of "emotional labor" is not difficult to understand, and it is not difficult to understand that introducing it into family life to guide the relationship between husband and wife can create various problems.

Many people ask their partners to provide emotional value, that is, to create a positive atmosphere, say nice things, and make themselves happy. It seems simple, but in fact, it lacks standards and depends entirely on the evaluation of the other party. Men and women in love, one party feels that the other party is unemotional, and one party feels that the other party is "too much", and the reason is usually here.

In married life, one partner believes that he or she has put in "emotional labor" in addition to ordinary work, and needs to be given additional recognition and comfort. However, these emotional labors are subjective and subtle, often encountering setbacks, daily tiredness, mental stress, emotional loss, etc., and it is difficult for the other party to know if one party does not say it.

One party believes that the more "emotional labor" it puts in, the greater the need for feedback from the other party, and if it does not follow up in time, the greater the grievances it accumulates. The outbreak of many family conflicts begins with a sudden emotional breakdown of one party and a stunned face.

Endless family quarrels are inseparable from one party accusing the other party of "not loving themselves", and one party accusing the other party of "doing nothing to do". There was a big problem with the evaluation of the interaction between the two sides. Some people ask for additional feedback with "emotional labor", others don't approve and don't buy it, and the result is mutual torment.

It is emphasized that the emotional interaction between the woman and the man, the wife and the husband, is for the convenience of the story, and does not have a specific direction. In real life, it is indeed more common for women to pay "emotional labor" at home to ask for feedback. There is also a situation in which men have grievances against their families. Even if sex changes, the truth is actually the same.

In social life, in order to solve a certain problem, intellectuals will introduce concepts across borders to facilitate discussion. Such introductions are often lax, self-talking, contradictory, and dangerously ambiguous. Family life requires full trust and open communication. It is necessary to avoid talking about chickens and ducks, and standing on their own standpoint. It is necessary to avoid one party taking advantage of discourse, creating information gaps, and crushing with new concepts. A short-term victory of words can only be won for a while, and in the long run, it will not really solve the problem.

If it is not necessary, do not add entities, and in family communication, avoid modern "new words" and return to normal logic. The emotional basis of husband and wife is to love each other equally, give and support each other, and understand and respect each other. Only in this way can we achieve a healthy, balanced, and well-being family relationship. The truth seems simple, but many people don't want to do it. They want to use small tricks to gain a small advantage in the relationship. The little things are shrewd, the general confusion, and the relationship between husband and wife is finally in a mess.

• (This article is the author's personal opinion and does not represent the position of this newspaper)

Chen Xingjie

Editor-in-charge: Chen Bin