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As a parent, don't do "self-sacrificing" education.
What is "self-sacrificing" education?
"Self-sacrificing" education refers to a form of education in which parents excessively sacrifice their own needs, time, and resources for the sake of their children, and subjectively believe that everything is for the future and happiness of their children.
Some time ago, there was a video on the Internet that "Mom loves to eat leftovers" caused ridicule on the whole network, revealing the most terrible fig leaf for parents.
The woman in the video said that her mother had developed a "self-sacrificing" education due to the influence of her family environment since she was a child.
For the sake of the child, the mother is reluctant to eat and wear, everything is to give priority to the child, and strive to give the best to the child.
Like what:
When eating, the mother always likes to sandwich meat for the child, but she does not clip a piece herself, saying:
"I don't like meat, I vomit when I eat it"
Sometimes the child makes some delicious pastries, and the mother is worried that there will not be enough to eat, and then she says:
"I don't like to eat these desserts, it's not good for my teeth. ”
Sometimes she went to the street to buy some more expensive fruits and came back, but her mother also did not eat them, saying:
"It's too sweet and sour for me to eat these fruits. ”
Even, many times the mother does not sit at the dinner table with her children to eat, but waits for the children to finish eating, and she starts to eat.
That day, the woman made a relatively sumptuous lunch and wanted to sit down with her mother to eat it, but her mother refused.
When they finished eating, my mother sat silently at the dinner table alone and ate the leftovers...
Looking at her mother's lonely back, the woman's heart was full of mixed feelings, anger and guilt.
Obviously you can sit down, you can eat enough, you have to sacrifice yourself excessively, you have to put yourself in a very low position.
Therefore, she never doubts the love of parents for their children, and just hopes that parents can be kind to themselves instead of sacrificing themselves.
Therefore, many netizens have commented:
"To be honest, my mother is such a person, there are four people in the family, and 4 eggs are boiled, isn't it just right for one person, she has to let my dad eat two, and my brother and I have one, and then she doesn't eat it herself, it's really disappointing"
"My mother, I didn't eat the fruit when it was rotten, I said I was going to throw it away, and she started eating it, a bag of apples, first the rotten one, then a bag of rotten one"
"My mother always said (for you to save money, this is reluctant to be wronged for a lifetime.) It's not for you, I divorced your dad a long time ago, and I did it all because of you), these words have been said for more than thirty years"
Yes, many times the giving and giving of parents should be an expression of love.
But when this "giving" becomes "sacrifice", it will be too heavy, and it will become a constraint and pressure.
Because of the self-sacrificing love of parents, there are invisible conditions behind it: you must be obedient, grateful, and grateful.
Therefore, when children will fall into guilt in forced acceptance, they dare not be happy, because they see that their parents are working so hard and they can't be so happy, in their eyes, their own happiness is a sin.
As the educator Makarenko said:
"The most terrible gift a parent can give to a child is to sacrifice everything for him, even happiness. ”
Agreed.
Parents express their strong sense of sacrifice to their children, which does not make children feel loved, and some only disgust and escape, leaving them with heavy psychological shackles and becoming a lingering psychological trauma for children.
In fact, the self-sacrificing love of Chinese parents can be seen everywhere.
Even, when they sacrifice everything for their children, they will bring a little pride.
Two days ago, I saw a suffocating video on the Internet:
The mother in the video usually saves money for her children, and generally only drinks porridge with the old godmother for lunch and dinner, or eats leftovers and fried rice.
Basically, they rarely go to the vegetable market to buy some meat and cook it, they only eat home-grown vegetables + eggs from their own chickens.
At noon that day, she and her wife originally planned not to even eat lunch, but when they saw that there was still a little leftover Chinese cabbage from last night, they took it and fried some rice.
In this way, a filling and non-nutritious lunch is done.
So, she took a picture and proudly wrote:
"My son spends more than 30 yuan a day at school to buy a cup of milk tea for more than 20 yuan, while the two of us eat leftover cabbage fried rice at home. ”
Another blogger said:
She has never been able to understand her parents' behavior of creating hardships to eat without suffering, even though there is a rice cooker, her mother has to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning to burn wood to cook rice, and then tell her: "She is very hard".
Obviously there is a washing machine at home, but my mother prefers to wash clothes with a frozen sailor in winter, and then tells her:
"Washing clothes in a washing machine is a waste of water and electricity, and it's not good for clothes..."
Also, it was summer, with a high temperature of nearly 40 degrees, and noon was the time when the sun was the hottest, but my mother chose to pluck her hair in the sun.
Then, on the side, she complained about how much she had paid for this family, how much she had paid for her children, how hard and how tired.
Use masochism to show that you have sacrificed a lot to make yourself stand on the moral high ground, make the child feel guilty, and make the child feel sorry.
When she rebelled against her mother, she would kidnap her again with morality, saying:
"Who is my mother working so hard for every day? For whom?
These words, bloggers have heard since childhood.
Therefore, she hates her parents' self-sacrificing love very much, and she hates that everything her parents do is to suffer for their children, which makes her feel guilty for the rest of her life.
This kind of self-sacrificing love is the one who can't distinguish responsibilities, can't keep principles, can't distinguish topics, and can't teach children according to their aptitude, and is often the one who hurts their children the most.
As the philosopher Russell said in The Road to Happiness:
"Parents should not do as much as possible for their children, all self-sacrificing parents are often extremely selfish to their children, will control their children emotionally, excessive concern is often a disguise of possessiveness. ”
Therefore, the love of Asian parents is just right, but they are not good enough to grow up happily, they do not feel full of love, and they are not bad enough to let their children be unfilial and cruel, just enough to be miserable for a lifetime.
There's a topic on the Internet: "Why do you feel guilty when you're happy?"
Among them, someone in the comment area replied like this:
Every year, during the holidays, summer vacation, winter vacation, May Day, and National Day, our dormitory organizes a "walk-and-go trip", but I have not participated in it once.
Every time I have a long vacation, when my roommates in the dormitory are happy to go on a trip, I choose to work part-time to earn some pocket money, or go home to help my parents with farm work.
Of course, I wanted to travel myself, but I didn't dare to go.
Because as soon as I go out to travel, I think that it will cost money, and it is my parents' money that will be spent, so it is better to keep this money for living expenses.
My parents had never traveled, and I felt guilty when I went to enjoy a life they didn't enjoy, to see landscapes they had never seen.
They instilled in me the idea of poverty since I was a child, told me to spend less money, it was not easy for my parents to work, it was not easy to raise me, how hard it was for me, and so on.
As a result, I don't dare to spend money lavishly, and I have to carefully consider the value of anything that exceeds a hundred dollars
So, how can I travel with peace of mind?
I don't even dare to share some delicious food with my parents when I go out with my friends because they haven't eaten it...
Children who grow up under the "guilt education", every little happiness, every fulfillment of every wish, is accompanied by a huge sense of guilt.
In order to eliminate the sense of guilt, children have to learn to be "sensible" and "considerate", and over time, it is easy to form a pleasing personality, ignore and suppress their own needs, lack the motivation and courage to fight, and live a twisted and aggrieved life in guilt.
Because the happiness of parents is based on their children, and if both parents are unhappy, how can children grow up happily?
Therefore, what a good parent needs to do is to guide their children, not emphasize the unilateral sacrifice of parents. Let go and let your child move freely and do what he wants.
Here, I sincerely hope that all parents:
You can be aware of this at the beginning, but after your children are independent, you should not live with only children.
I hope that your happiness does not come from your children's happiness, but should be made up of many, many things.
For example, if you have a party with a friend, you eat a delicious dish by yourself, and all these things can contribute to your happiness, not just from your children.
As Suz Lula puts it:
"I've found that when I care for myself, my children are the beneficiaries, and I've found that we must first care for our hearts – the heart of our bodies, minds, emotions, and inner lives – at all costs. Our own transformation is the greatest gift we can give our children the freedom to be themselves. ”
All the love in this world is for encounter, and there is only one kind of love for separation, and that is parental love.
True success as a parent is the separation of the child from your life as an independent individual, and the sooner this separation is, the more successful you will be.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!
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