There is a saying in "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" that what can be talked about is what can be controlled.
Anger is a feeling, and pleasure is also a feeling. The difference between them is that anger is a person's natural reaction to stress, while pleasure is an empathy that is understood.
If the child is angry or irritable, parents must not be angry and feel that their kindness has been betrayed, but should stand in the child's position to understand the child's thoughts at this time.
Even if you feel that your child's ideas are wrong or your child's ideas are wrong, there is no need to correct them in time.
More important than correction is to let the child understand that it is normal to have emotions and can be controlled after training.
After receiving the children who were separated for 9 days yesterday, I was happy in addition to excitement. However, when I talked about how my classmate's mother knew how to cook N kinds of dishes on the way, the child began to complain to me: You just have a problem with your way of thinking, and you can't and won't learn, so you've always been very vegetable.
Before the switch, I would scare my children: I just don't like to cook, and I don't have time to learn. I get up early every day and am busy at night, how can I have time to improve my cooking skills, you have never understood your mother's hard work, you love to eat or not, you can do it yourself if you think it is not delicious.
But I noticed my dissatisfaction with the instinctive desire to refute after being denied by the child, so as to prove that you are wrong and I am right.
Then back to the facts, the child's accusation is not wrong, I am indeed poor cooking, and it is normal for the child to have some complaints if he does not eat delicious meals.
Thinking about it from the child's point of view, his denial of me is essentially a denial of himself. In his heart, he wants to have a mother who can cook, clean up the house, and is also very good.
Subconsciously, he will feel that his mother is excellent, and his insecurities can be made up and placed. He will be able to feel as confident in himself as everyone else.
After thinking like this, I didn't get angry at all, but said to the child gently: You are right, my mother really couldn't cook before. Mom is also aware of this problem and has been changing lately.
When the child heard me say this, he didn't complain any more.
There is another thing, the child's trolley box broke down on the road, the trolley was stuck, he picked it up all the way back, and complained to me on the way: Look at what broken box you bought, the quality is not good at all.
I was a little upset at first, this box was not picked by you and me, and the child was quite satisfied at that time. Now that the parts are broken, it's starting to blame me for the problem.
But I didn't refute the child, but followed his meaning and said: Yes, this quality is really not good, and I blame my mother for being inexperienced and unable to see the quality of the box.
Then when I got home, I took out a screwdriver and asked him to repair the box together, and he was playing with his mobile phone, and he said to me without raising his head: you can do it yourself, don't talk to me, my throat hurts.
Seeing that the child was not involved, I clicked the lever off, but it couldn't be pulled out, so I asked the child to help me, he was very impatient, and said something about the sore throat, and then complained that I "can't do anything".
Although I complained, I still helped me get it right, and I continued to fumble with the repair rod, and finally repaired it after the child pushed it half-pushed and half-down, but I couldn't install it.
After spending a long time trying to figure it out, I asked the child to help, and the child who was playing with the mobile phone was very irritable, and came over and clicked it from the other direction, and counted me: What do you see your thinking is rigid? I can't install it in one direction, and I won't try it in the opposite direction.
Although it sounds a little unpleasant, I still follow the child's words: Mom really doesn't know how to be flexible, or my baby's thinking is jumping, and her brain is good. It is worthy of the thinking of a science and engineering man, I have to learn more from you in the future, you have to lead me to accept new thinking, and let my mother grow up.
Because of repairing the box for the child, my hand was cut by a sharp weapon without knowing anything, and I was disgusted and counted down by the child, and even I placed an order for a spare new lever when I felt that the lever was broken.
These children must be looking at me, and the reason why he counts and blames me is that he wants me to change my rigid thinking and become a little stronger.
So when the rod was repaired, he said to me: "The rod after this repair is much smoother than before."
I hurriedly said: It's still my brother Han who is powerful, so there's nothing he can't do.
I didn't refute and didn't get angry, and I let my children be very gentle with me, and at dinner, they took me to watch their school's "Voice of Spring" art party, and asked me to sit next to him, and told me who the classmate of this performance was, and the things that were performed were from their previous class.
It also gave me an inspiration: when I changed and tried to listen and empathize with my child, he was willing to play with me.
It turned out that after I listened to my child, he was willing to communicate with me and could listen to me.
However, the premise of smooth communication with children is to put aside their inner prejudices, even if the child complains or is irritable, let go of his own judgment and follow the child's emotions.
Let your child feel heard and valued, rather than helping him solve problems. Ask more questions, understand your child's anger, and understand your child's emotions.
This is the biggest change I have made in the past few months, I am not in a hurry to distinguish for myself, but first understand the child, understand the pressure behind his emotions, the child is really willing to listen to me more, and more willing to live in harmony with me, intimacy.