Psychiatrist Patrick Chen has seen people who "have been living in ruins."
Because of a special experience, the boy was forever locked up in a cruel memory.
I have been a doctor for almost 10 years, and I have met many family members of patients knocking on our office doors with various things, most of them hoping that we can take more care of their patients.
There are few people as "solemn and serious" as the man in front of him, he is about fifty years old, his hair is half white, and his expression is solemn.
He looked like a sculpture in the dimly lit hallway, and no one knew how long he had been standing.
The man was also carrying something odd: an old-fashioned briefcase, earthy yellow, with some paint peeling, and the buckled straps on the sides looked pinned tightly, tightly tucked under the armpits.
The first thing I looked at a man was attracted to this briefcase, which very few people would bring to "give something".
"Who are you looking for?" asked the colleague who first spotted him.
He didn't speak, he just reached out and handed the briefcase into the room, and stepped forward again, but quickly retracted it.
It was like a schoolboy who was going to the teacher's office, but saw a room where the teacher suddenly didn't dare to enter the door.
After a few seconds of stalemate, the director stood up and asked again, "Is there anything wrong with you?" ”
The man walked in hesitantly and sat down on a stool next to the director, his hands still clutching the briefcase, as if it contained some secret that would run out if he let go.
He opened his mouth, but he didn't say anything, feeling that what he was about to say was important and difficult.
Suddenly, he opened the briefcase, poured out a pile of glittering gold, and laid out a table—
"Please, save my son!"
I leaned over to see that all the shining ones were medals and certificates, with the words "August 1st" clearly engraved on them.
"My son is a special forces, these are his awards, he is really good! Please save him......"
The man's eyes turned red as he spoke, and he clenched his hands into fists as he spoke.
I specifically checked that special forces are a branch of the military that performs special tasks, and must have tenacious perseverance, strong physical strength and long-lasting endurance at the same time.
Such a person is one in a thousand, both mentally and physically, he must be a man as strong as steel.
But the first time I saw Huzi was in a wheelchair and pushed into the ward.
He was tightly wrapped, wearing a dark long-sleeved T-shirt and trousers, a black hat and a thick mask, and his face was completely visible.
From his silhouette, I can still see the clue - the left and right sides of Huzi's body are obviously asymmetrical.
I walked over and pretended to be relaxed and said, "Huzi is here?"
He looked up slightly, didn't speak, and gave me a look.
It is not the tired and desperate eyes of ordinary depressed patients, but there is a hint of sharpness, as if everything is under his control.
It's just that this sense of control is quickly shattered by reality.
When they arrived at the ward, Huzi's parents lifted Huzi to the bed and wanted to help Huzi take off his hat and mask by the way, but Huzi showed obvious resistance.
Huzi's mother was a little at a loss next to her, saying that she was embarrassed in front of the doctor, it was so hot, and it was time to cover the prickly heat.
Huzi's parents are the kind of people who are kind-hearted, and they are very embarrassed to cause trouble to others. Later, Huzi's father also said that he came to the office with the bunch of medals that day, and he did not do it authentically, as if he forced us to accept Huzi, but he really couldn't help it at that time.
I comforted him, "It is also a kind of courage to be able to ask for help when you encounter difficulties." ”
It's just that the moment Huzi showed his face, I couldn't pretend to be relaxed anymore.
A young man of about thirty years of age, with shaved hair and all his facial features neatly crooked to one side.
Even though I'm not an expert, I can tell that this is hemiplegia: paralysis of both upper and lower limbs on one side of the patient's body.
But the disease is generally more common in middle-aged men over the age of 40, while Huzi is still young.
A colleague from the neurology department came to examine Huzi, and at the end of the day, he said "shouldn't" on his face.
Huzi's condition is much better than we expected, there is no new bleeding or infarction in the brain, and the most important thing is that Huzi's physical foundation is good, and he is young, and he can fully recover from intensive exercise.
In a word, Huzi shouldn't be what he is now.
"Huzi is no longer cured now, he doesn't take any medicine, he doesn't eat any food. After saying that, Huzi's father lowered his head in pain, which is why he sent Huzi to our psychiatric department.
When Huzi was in the ward, he covered his head with a quilt and ignored us. I was doing my rounds for several days on end, but he didn't respond much.
This kind of patient who refuses to communicate is the most troublesome.
I remembered the scene when I met Huzi's father for the first time, and I could feel that he wanted Huzi to live more than anyone else. I'm going to talk to Huzi's father first, maybe he can be a breakthrough to save Huzi.
As a result, Huzi's father found me first and pulled out a small photo, in which the young man was wearing a camouflage uniform and looked masculine and handsome, and I couldn't recognize him and Huzi as the same person at all.
I have a hunch that Huzi's illness has a lot to do with his experience as a soldier.
Huzi's father told me that Huzi has been energetic since he was a child, and his physical fitness is also good, and he was born to be a soldier.
Huzi did not live up to his expectations, and Huzi never fell once in the annual honor of outstanding soldiers. After two years as a soldier, Huzi changed from a compulsory soldier to a volunteer soldier, and also became a special soldier.
In 2008, less than three years after Huzi joined the army, the Wenchuan earthquake came, and he rushed to the disaster area with the army to save people.
Huzi's father recalled that Huzi rarely called home before, but during the disaster relief period, he called home many times, and each time he told them to pay attention to his body, which moved him so much.
When his colleagues and leaders knew that his son was fighting the earthquake in Sichuan, they all respected him very much, and even people who didn't know him well took the initiative to greet him.
The bastard boy who has been tossing since he was a child has become an earthquake hero this time. This made Huzi's father feel that he had extra face.
A few months later, Huzi withdrew from the disaster area with his troops.
The first time he visited the house, Huzi's father specially toasted his son. That day, Huzi also drank a lot.
Huzi's mother was surprised that her son didn't drink at all before he left home. But Huzi's father thinks his daughter-in-law is making a fuss, what's the matter with a man drinking wine?
Unexpectedly, after that time, "wine" became something that Huzi could not live without.
For many days in a row, Huzi either went out to get drunk with his friends, or he talked about the disaster relief at home and said that he had made a lot of mistakes, or he said that he was disobedient when he was a child and was sorry for his parents.
Huzi's father felt that something was wrong, why did his son seem to be a different person, and he was verbose.
What's even more sudden is that at the end of that year, Huzi actually retired from the army.
He had to use the settling-in money to do business, and the couple couldn't stop their son at all.
Naturally, the business failed. Huzi's mother began to nag all day long, and Huzi's father was like an eggplant beaten by frost, and he didn't dare to speak when he saw his colleagues in the unit, for fear that someone would ask about his son's situation.
After that, Huzi's mood became more eccentric, often yelling at them, drinking more frequently, and sometimes even "playing missing", and the couple couldn't even say a word to their son.
Huzi's father finally realized that the high-spirited and proud special forces son in the past seemed to be unable to come back.
Hearing this, I already had a rough guess in my mind. According to Huzi's father, Huzi started drinking after returning from the earthquake relief, and it is very likely that he had PTSD.
PTSD first referred mainly to "post-war syndrome", and there has been a lot of research on this disease in the West.
There is a statistic that after the end of the Vietnam War, many American soldiers suffered from PTSD, and the number of soldiers who committed suicide after returning home even exceeded the number of deaths on the battlefield.
It shows its destructive power.
It is now commonly referred to as a delayed psychological response to a major traumatic experience, such as after a natural disaster such as an earthquake or tsunami.
Many people have lost loved ones or witnessed many deaths, and those tragic scenes are constantly replaying in the mind like a movie.
Wrapped in strong fears and tensions, witnesses often numb themselves with alcohol or even drugs to escape the pain. People who can't stand it can even commit suicide.
Among this group, the most overlooked are disaster relief fighters like Huzi.
According to some data, about 10% of the fighters who returned from the disaster area were unable to live a normal life, and from time to time they would experience uncontrollable fear.
In their dreams, they often return to the disaster relief site, trapped in a cycle of "what if then, what is now".
I read a lot of memories of disaster relief fighters, and the words were bloody.
Every inch of dirt under their feet seemed to remind these rescuers that they needed to fight for their lives.
Every soldier longed for himself to grow three heads and six arms, and when the machinery was broken, he used tools, and when the tools were broken, everyone would dig them with their bare hands, and his hands were full of cuts and bleeding all the time, "but he didn't feel pain." ”
They always feel that if they dig faster, maybe one more person will survive, and even feel that even sleeping is a waste of time.
But "natural disasters" have another name: force majeure.
They seldom brought back a living person intact, and sometimes they held up a slate of stone, and one arm covered in bright clothes was exposed, and then held up another, the owner of the arm had long been crushed and distorted;
Sometimes people are rescued, but because they are too injured, they breathe while they are still in their arms...
For the first week, everybody, every day, was throwing up and couldn't eat anything at all. After that, the anti-chemical warfare troops who arrived were disinfected again and again.
But until the following summer, many places were full of flies, and there were corpse parts underneath.
At that time, Huzi's troops were one of the first to enter the disaster area, and Huzi participated in the whole process of disaster relief, and the tragic scenes he experienced were far more desperate than the materials I saw.
Huzi's father still remembers the scene in his son's narration that made him cry-
"A kindergarten with a row of pigtails exposed under a collapsed wall, all little girls. The little ones didn't have time to run out. ”
It's unbearable just to hear about it. It was a happy thing to catch Huzi that day, but I didn't expect the whole family to cry.
Repeatedly reciting the scene he saw during the disaster relief - this may be the first sign that Huzi is suffering from PTSD, but Huzi's parents did not notice it at the time.
This is not to blame them, because in the eyes of the common people, soldiers like Huzi who provide disaster relief are heroes, and "disaster relief" is a very glorious thing.
But one of the relief fighters once said, "Who will base their glory on the suffering of their fellow citizens?"
Many of their tears were allowed to flow after taking off their camouflage uniforms and returning home.
Since returning from the army, Huzi's sleep has not been good, Huzi's parents never know when he slept, and often saw Huzi get up in the afternoon.
Because Huzi is in a bad mood, the couple is usually cautious at home, for fear of arguing with him.
Not only Huzi's parents, but even Huzi himself may not realize that he is "sick".
Those emotions that can't be handled and bear are infiltrating into his life little by little, bringing "secondary damage" to this young man whose heart is already broken.
During that time, many people introduced Huzi to work, but Huzi's parents found that no matter how good the job opportunity was, Huzi could only work piecemeal for a few days, and then he couldn't hold on.
Every time there is no reason and no symptoms, it may be that one morning after waking up suddenly not going.
There was a comrade-in-arms who sold Malatang in the night market, and Huzi went with him for a few days, saying that he really didn't have the patience to wear skewers, and he didn't want to bargain with people for three or two yuan.
It seems that the perseverance and endurance that the son had in the past that they were proud of had been exhausted during the earthquake relief, or they were "unable to do it".
I guess that the tiger who may be stronger can't accept such a huge gap.
Seeing that her son was always bored alone and had no settle in life, Huzi's mother began to arrange blind dates for Huzi frequently.
But the blind date is very realistic, Huzi's family conditions are average, he didn't buy a house, and Huzi didn't have the patience to coax the girl after he got sick, and he often didn't get away with contact for a while.
Huzi's father couldn't understand his son's various behaviors, and he couldn't figure out why his once excellent son had become like this - he had so many things to do, but he didn't seem to want to do anything.
Once he was angry and yelled at Huzi, "You might as well die like this!"
He always felt that it was his words that almost sent his son to the ghost gate.
On the day of Huzi's illness, Huzi's mother didn't see her son when she came home from work, so she carefully pushed open the door of Huzi's room, and immediately smelled a very strong smell of alcohol in the house, and she didn't respond to several calls of "Huzi", and she was frightened.
She hurriedly sent her son to the hospital for rescue, and found out that it was a cerebral hemorrhage.
I remembered that the scar on Huzi's bare head, which was nearly 10 centimeters, was left by the operation of cerebral hemorrhage.
Long-term alcoholism damaged blood vessels, and Huzi's bleeding was very large, and he stayed in the ICU for more than half a month.
Life was saved, but it left serious sequelae: cerebral hemorrhage can cause irreversible damage to the central motor nerves.
After losing his normal life, Huzi completely lost control of his body. He couldn't walk, he couldn't even go to the toilet on his own, and a young man in his twenties had to wear diapers when he went out.
He also became slurred in speech, drooled drool, and choked when eating, sometimes coughing for a long time after taking a bite.
The doctor advised him to insert a tube through his nose and into his stomach to give him a nutrient solution.
In the past, the special forces who were full of military merit medals have become a "disabled person" who cannot take care of himself and cannot live a decent life. Psychological problems finally detonate physical diseases.
He never spoke up about how hard this chain reaction hit Huzi, but I remembered what happened when my father broke his leg.
He once said to me when I was in a plaster cast, "If I am lame, I will die." ”
My dad is just an ordinary person, and the thought of being lame and not being able to freely dispose of his body makes life boring, let alone a special soldier?
One day, Huzi's mother went out to do some errands, and when she came home, she saw her son crooked by the window, and his head was full of blood, and she reacted immediately:
Huzi committed suicide "over".
This is not the first time Huzi has tried to commit suicide, he once crawled to the kitchen to cut his wrists with a kitchen knife, but because the right side of his body has no strength, he can only use his left hand, and the cut is not deep;
This time, Huzi wanted to climb the window and jump off the building again, but because his limbs were uncoordinated, he fell from the window and began to hit the wall with his head, and his head was covered in blood.
I can't imagine what it must be like for a special soldier who used to be able to climb over the wall with his bare hands, but now he can't even climb the window to commit suicide.
Huzi's mother said that when she saw her son like that, she really wanted to go up and help him, and then jumped down herself.
"Then all the pain is over. ”
I looked at the woman in front of me, who was only in her 50s, but her hair was already half white, and there was a visible stain on her clothes.
She said that she was in a hurry to go out, and she didn't notice that her clothes were buried, and she always wanted to block it with her hands when she spoke.
She obviously has a lot of love for her son in her heart, but at that moment, she actually wanted to die with her son.
Compared with Huzi's pain, Huzi's mother's despair, Huzi's father's emotions are the most complicated in this family, he seems more anxious and broken, and his eyes are often guilty when he looks at his son.
He always felt that he had harmed Huzi like this.
Huzi's father said that Huzi has had extraordinary physical strength since he was a child, and he always fights with the neighbors and children around him, and no one else can beat him, and often neighbors come to the house to complain.
He wants to be strong and have a good face, and when someone complains, he goes home and beats his son.
The most ruthless time, he tied the tiger to a tree in the yard and let all the children he had beaten come to beat him.
In Huzi's father's world, this is the way to solve problems, simple and crude. And every time the son gave the same reaction: he didn't change his teaching.
Since then, Huzi has not called his father again, and the relationship between father and son has been stiff for many years.
For things that are difficult or unbearable, how to accept, face, and even soften and retreat, these Huzi's father has not taught, and Huzi has not learned, and later it became the part of Huzi's character that trapped him.
Sending Huzi to be a soldier - it used to be the proudest decision Huzi's father made, but now, it also hurts him the most.
This son, who has not learned to "retreat" since he was a child, left his heart in the disaster area forever.
As a people's fighter, all major accidents, natural and man-made disasters need them to be the first to rush forward, but few people tell them how to "retreat" -
How to really get yourself out of such an extreme situation.
And like Huzi, who did not learn to "retreat" in the process of growing up, is the most vulnerable.
Before coming to us, Huzi's father also took Huzi to hospitals in Beijing and Shanghai, and he looked at experts wherever he could inquire, and even burned incense to worship Buddha and fortune-telling, but unfortunately it had no effect at all.
Of all the things in the world, the most difficult to treat is "heart disease".
At first, Huzi's father always hoped that Huzi could walk normally and do all kinds of acupuncture and physiotherapy all day long, but now he doesn't want to do this.
Looking at his son who was lying on the bed all day long and didn't talk to anyone all day, Huzi's father felt that the only thing he could do was to find a suitable place for his son to live well.
Huzi's mother took good care of Huzi, and when Huzi didn't resist, she massaged Huzi.
Usually people who do not exercise for a long time will have atrophied muscles, but Huzi's muscles are obviously much better, and there are no bedsores on his body.
In this situation, with Huzi's ability, even if only half of his body can move, he will not even be able to climb the windowsill.
I suddenly realized that if the tiger didn't jump, he probably wouldn't be able to make up his mind.
He was always torn between everyday life and the tragic images of sudden memories.
During Huzi's hospitalization, Huzi's mother took care of him most of the time, and I didn't see Huzi's father much. Later, I learned that he had been continuing to find land for Huzi.
A few days later, Huzi's father said that he had contacted a nursing home, and the environment and conditions were very good, which was more suitable for Huzi than the hospital. Knowing the identity of the tiger, there is also willing to accept him.
One evening, the car from the nursing home came to pick up the tiger, and I followed slowly to the parking lot.
During the day, it's always full of cars from all over the world, each with a patient, a story and a myriad of emotions.
My mind will also become crowded at such times, and I need to digest and absorb everything before I can give the right treatment.
It is easy to absorb these emotions, but it is difficult to release them, because doctors will always encounter patients who cannot be treated, and this kind of pressure cannot be said, and patients and their families will only be more uncomfortable than us.
Watching the car carrying Huzi's family drift away, I regretted that I couldn't help Huzi, but I also knew that I had to send them here.
Later, whenever I saw reports about the Wenchuan earthquake, I would think of Huzi.
Every fighter in camouflage is a tiger. The mission requires them to only move forward, not backward, but how to deal with the problems after suffering trauma is a problem left to us.
In addition to the necessary psychological counseling and intervention, what else?
It wasn't until a psychotherapy study that I finally found the answer.
A teacher recalled the Wenchuan earthquake and said that at that time, a group of psychologists lived in a disaster relief shed in Mianyang, surrounded by people who had been affected by the disaster, and many of them had relatives who had passed away.
As a result, at night they were so loud that they couldn't sleep.
When I got up and looked, I realized that it was those victims who were playing mahjong.
In Sichuan, playing mahjong is the constant daily routine of people, and the victims return to life in this way, using "daily" and familiar things to relieve their wounds.
And the sound of mahjong, which represents "everyday life", actually made everyone feel comforted at that time. One expert even said that the villagers should be asked to do some psychotherapy for the experts.
Many years later, I still remember the case and gradually learned to empty myself.
No matter how many tragic stories of others I have heard during the day, on the way home I will slowly sink them back into my own life.
It's getting dark, the parking lot is empty, and Huzi's car is long gone, but I especially want to tell Huzi-
In the face of difficulties, we can do our best, even "break our heads", but we also have to allow ourselves to be powerless, and we must also leave ourselves a way to "retreat".
And back to daily life, maybe that's the way.
Some time ago, my city was closed for almost a month due to the epidemic.
After the lockdown was lifted, I went to a few familiar places, and watching the spring flowers bloom, a warm current rose in my heart, full of swelling to pour out, and almost instantly burst into tears.
I know it's what it's like to be healed.
Everyday life may seem ordinary, but it has its own powerful healing power – everything you love in it.
Yi Chunli, a psychotherapy expert, once mentioned that the survivors of the accident are first-degree victims, the victims' families are second-degree victims, and rescuers like Huzi who have been in contact with the scene, including police and war correspondents, are the third type of victims-
They also tend to be the most overlooked.
According to data, among the 361 police officers who died in the line of duty in 2017, a large proportion had "psychological trauma".
They experience symptoms such as sleep disturbances, poor mood and cognition, but do not know that they are sick and even continue to work with heavy loads.
This kind of trauma is not limited to certain occupations, and ordinary people can also be "second-hand injured" when witnessing a disaster. ”
Huzi's story reminds us of what we can do in the face of psychological trauma.
After learning from a psychologist, I got some advice to refer to:
1 For every healthy person, when learning the news of major disasters and disasters, they should try to ensure that they are in a healthy state, exercise more, exercise their bodies, learn new skills, and divert their attention; if the symptoms are not very serious, they can write a healing diary to relieve their emotions, mainly to describe what happened and their feelings at that time;
2. Make full use of your social support system, and keep in touch with friends and relatives when you are stressed and frustrated.
3. Persons and their families who have to be exposed to the disaster site for occupational reasons can learn in advance how to prevent trauma, what kind of people are more susceptible to trauma, and how to distinguish between normal emotions and traumatic symptoms.
4 For witnesses, when there is a very serious situation, it is recommended to see a doctor in time to receive medication and psychological treatment.
I hope that every "hero" who protects others can also protect themselves, and there will be no next "tiger".
(Some of the characters in the article are pseudonyms)
Editor: Slag Helmet Wild Populus euphratica
Illustration: Xu Liu'er