Today is the 3851st day of intensive reading to accompany you in your lifelong growth
The Intensive Reading Dictionary has 2080 entries online
01
A few days ago, a man posted a complaining post that he felt that his current marriage was too suffocating.
He and his wife began to fall in love in college, and they have been married for more than five years, and in the more than seven years they have been together, he feels that his grumpy wife has not only not slowly improved, but has become worse.
The reason for this is that his wife lost her temper because a rag doll was taken by him to give to her little niece, and she felt that her husband did not respect her opinion.
But the man didn't understand that this rag doll was not a valuable thing, and it was not out of print, but his wife bought it at the company for twenty or thirty yuan.
It's not a gift, it doesn't carry any special meaning, he thinks, it's just an ordinary doll that can't be more ordinary.
But because of such an ordinary doll, his wife began to get into trouble and go crazy without warning, and even opened her mouth and closed her mouth to say cruel things and wanted a divorce.
After the first quarrel, the two sides calmed down for three days, and the man began to try to communicate with his wife, but he still couldn't communicate.
He thinks that his wife is just a me, yes, I am reasonable, you have to follow what I say, no empathy, no empathy.
He felt too suffocated.
02
But after reading the chat history, netizens said that it was not the wife who was suffocating, but the husband.
The husband said to his wife that he hoped she would not always be so uncontrollable and curse him at the slightest disagreement.
The wife said that it was not the doll that she cared about, but that her husband had taken it upon himself to give it to someone else without first asking her.
The husband still holds that it was his wife who spoke ill of each other first, and his emotions were out of control, a doll that didn't even cut the label for dozens of dollars, what is so precious.
His wife agrees that dolls are not precious, but his self-assertive attitude is disrespectful.
The husband couldn't listen to it, he felt that the things in the house were still divided between you and me, and he couldn't even dominate a small doll, and he felt that his wife's desire to control was too strong, which made him very suffocated.
Truth be told, the conversation between the two is very long, but it's hard to watch, because the more you look at the back, the more you'll notice that they've been repeating the content of the first page of the chat.
Two people have their own words, one is struggling with the doll that is only a few dozen dollars to give it away, and the other is dissatisfied with the disrespect that the other party did not ask, it can be said that the chicken and duck are talking.
It is clear that the man can't listen to his wife's appeal at all, when the other party is reasonable, he intercedes, when the other party intercedes, he is reasonable, and after angering his wife, he says that she is irritable, but he refuses to explain in one sentence why he can give the doll to others without the permission of the other party.
It's really suffocating in an intimate relationship, and the man instead said that his wife made him feel suffocated, which was a bit like a thief shouting to catch a thief.
03
I don't know if you still remember the wife who broke down because of eating noodles.
A young couple went to a small noodle restaurant to eat noodles, and they waited for more than half an hour after ordering before the noodles were served.
After waiting for so long, I didn't expect the noodles to be served to be lumpy, mixed with an unpleasant fishy smell.
The wife felt that the experience of this meal was very bad, so she asked the noodle shop owner to reflect, but she didn't expect the noodle shop owner to say anything, and her husband felt embarrassed when he heard what she said, and got up and turned around and left.
Later, the couple quarreled in the car.
The girl said:
"I think it's OK for 15 pieces of noodles in this bowl, and I think it's OK if I wait for half an hour, but after waiting for half an hour, the noodles are lumpy, and there is a fishy smell, so I told him what's wrong with the bad taste? Why do you feel ashamed? Why do you turn around and leave?"
But the boy said, "It's not delicious, can't we just eat at his house in the future?" It's just a dozen yuan of things...... I'm afraid you're going to get angry with people......"
The two argued like this, and the more the girl talked, the more angry she became, and finally broke down and cried.
Like the couple in the "doll incident", the couple's arguments are also chicken and duck talking, playing the piano to the cow.
What girls are theorizing with boys from beginning to end is the boy's behavior of "turning around and leaving", not the bowl of noodles.
Her anger is not in a bowl of noodles, but in the other party's neglect and indifference to her.
And the boy has been holding on to the noodles for no more than a dozen yuan, why bother so much, he doesn't want to see his wife get angry and do embarrassing things.
He seems to be reasoning with his partner very calmly, but he is unwilling to catch the other party's emotions, but puts on a high-minded appearance, using his own logic to prove the other party's unreasonableness and set off his wife's "madness".
Isn't it a kind of "PUA" to use selective deafness to avoid the important and trivial, to avoid key issues, and blindly output one's own opinions, so that the other party gradually loses patience in the dialogue again and again, and the emotions gradually get out of control?
The funny thing is that the initiators all feel that it is the other party who is suffocating.
04
So, we should be wary of such partners.
The most common bad situation in an intimate relationship is when I'm talking to you about my feelings and you're crazy about giving me advice.
To sum it simply, there is no empathy, and instead of empathy, you accuse the other person of being vexatious.
What is a little speechless is that "no empathy, no empathy" is used by the male protagonist of the "doll incident" to evaluate his wife, which seems quite absurd.
It is obvious that the person who has no empathy and empathy is him, not someone else.
His wife is right, since it is hers, she should be consulted in advance, even if it is husband and wife, it is two different people, and to make decisions without consent is to not respect his wife as an independent person.
It's not that the wife is reluctant to give away the doll, all she cares about is her husband's attitude towards her.
There is a point in the book "Empathic Communication": if a person is given enough listening, active attention, and empathy, he will heal himself and find his own way.
Giving your partner understanding and support, and valuing each other's feelings, is the key to proper intimate relationships.
If a person doesn't care about your feelings, then it can only be said that he doesn't value you, and there is no point in keeping a partner who doesn't value you.