On the way to pick up Xiaojie from school, Lin's mother held the report card in her hand tightly, and her face was solemn. She tried to break the silence in the car, and cautiously asked her son Xiaojie beside her: "Xiaojie, my mother doesn't seem to be very happy recently, and your grades have dropped, can you tell your mother what's going on?"
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Xiao Jie glanced at his mother and replied expressionlessly, "You adults will never understand." This sentence was like an invisible knife, stabbing Lin's mother's heart.
Xiaojie always locks himself in his room every night when he goes home, not only alienating his family, but also frequently clashing with his parents, showing obvious signs of rebellion in both his studies and living habits.
On the weekend, Lin's mother met up at the café with her long-time friend Mr. Zhang. She held the coffee cup in her hand, and her eyes revealed tiredness and expectation: "Teacher Zhang, what do you say I should do?" Xiaojie's rebellion seems to have come out of nowhere, and I am afraid that the harder I pull him, the more he wants to break free.
Teacher Zhang's eyes flashed with understanding and sympathy: "I can understand your feelings. It is normal for adolescent children to be rebellious, and the key is how parents guide them correctly.
01. Advice on dealing with rebellious children
Don't argue: When faced with a child's fierce resistance or excesses, the first thing parents should do is to control their emotions and avoid responding in an arguing way.
Quarrels tend to provoke greater antagonism than resolution. Instead, parents should use a calm and sensible style of communication.
You can leave the scene of the conflict for a while and wait for both sides to calm down before talking. In the process of communication, parents should use open-ended questions to guide children to express their inner feelings and understand why they behave in this way, rather than rushing to criticize or blame.
Listen to your child: Parents need to develop the habit of active listening, which means letting go of their preconceptions and listening intently to their children's thoughts, concerns, and expectations.
Parent-child chat time can be scheduled regularly to create a safe and comfortable environment where children know that their voices will be listened to and their feelings will be respected.
Parents can show that they are listening by asking questions and feedback, such as: "Do you feel too much pressure to study? Mom and Dad understand your difficulties very well, can you elaborate on the challenges you are facing now?"
Establish rules: It is extremely important to establish clear and fair rules in the family. These rules include not only basic rules of conduct, such as being polite and on time, but also agreements on how to handle disagreements and respect the privacy of others.
When setting rules, parents should not only explain what acceptable behavior is, but also explain why there are rules, so that children can understand the values and social norms behind the rules. Parents should set an example for their children by following the rules they have set.
Give your child autonomy: As your child grows up, you need to learn to take responsibility and make decisions. Parents can give their children a moderate amount of autonomy over the small things of daily life.
For example, let them plan their study time, choose extracurricular activities, and even decide on a weekend recreational program. This can not only exercise children's judgment and independence, but also make them feel a sense of accomplishment in the process of practice, and then enhance their self-confidence and sense of responsibility.
Find common ground: Parents should try to discover common interests with their children, such as reading science fiction, playing a sport, or loving cooking. By participating in these activities together, you can enhance the emotional connection between parents and children and reduce the sense of estrangement.
Parents can also take advantage of these shared moments to naturally have in-depth conversations to better understand their children's inner world, so that their children can open their hearts in a relaxed and happy atmosphere.
Seek external help: When parents find themselves struggling to deal with their child's rebellion alone, they don't have to go it alone and can actively seek support from external professional resources. Communicate closely with the school homeroom teacher or counsellor to understand the child's performance in school;
Consult with a child psychologist to get scientific parenting advice and interventions, participate in parent education training courses to improve your own educational literacy, or join a parent support group to communicate with other parents who have similar experiences.
Encourage your child to try new things: Encourage your child to be exposed to new areas and try a variety of activities, such as art, technology, and public service, to help them discover their potential and develop a variety of interests.
Parents should provide the necessary support and encouragement to their children as they try new things, and do not easily deny even if they fail, but teach them how to look at setbacks and learn from them.
Give positive feedback: Parents should always pay attention to their children's progress in life and learning, and give affirmation and praise when appropriate.
When children show good behavior habits, make breakthroughs in learning, or successfully handle interpersonal relationships, parents should give positive feedback in a timely manner, and can use verbal praise, material rewards or spiritual incentives to strengthen children's positive behaviors and make them a habit and internal motivation.
It is also important to teach children to view criticism and failure as part of their growth, rather than as a standard that defines their own worth.
In the face of children's rebellious behavior, parents are not only managers and correctors, but also guides and supporters. Love and understanding are the most powerful tools for dissolving rebellious feelings.
Parents should actively seek common interests with their children, enhance their relationship by sharing happy moments, and seek help from external professionals when necessary to solve the problems faced by their children.
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