Visitor asks:
I'm always worried that if I refuse, the other party will think that I look down on her or don't want to play with her. My colleagues often ask me out to hang out, and I always feel that they expect a lot from me, which makes me feel very stressed, as if I would be disappointed if I don't play with them, or I don't want to play with them. But after I agreed, I was easy to regret, I am a fairly free person, I don't like bondage but often fall into bondage, I don't know what to do? It seems that I am too demanding of my friends or how to drop? I feel that I am only comfortable when I stay by myself, and sometimes I go out with my friends, I feel too emotional or fake, and I like a faint friendship and never get tired of being together.
The counselor answers:
You feel like you're carrying a lot of things with your friends, "I always feel like they're expecting a lot from me, and I feel pressured, and it's like I'm going to be disappointed if I don't play with them", and you unconsciously start to have such concerns when you are invited by your friends.
In fact, you yourself are a free and easy person, and you don't like to be constrained, so you have this inner conflict, as if taking care of your own feelings, you will disappoint your friends, and if you take care of your friends' feelings, you will make yourself feel wronged.
Therefore, when faced with the question of whether to take care of your own needs or the needs of your friends, it is often difficult to find a balance between them.
This is a psychological pattern that you have learned in the process of growing up, your own needs always seem to be easy to conflict with the expectations of others, and it seems that you can only find an outlet from it every time you can only find an outlet through grievances or suppression of your own needs, even if it is a temporary rejection, you must make up for it afterwards.
It also reveals that you are not used to letting people see a more authentic version of yourself, and you seem to prefer to hide a part of yourself.
Imagine if your friends knew you better than someone who didn't like to be tied down, or that you were someone who was "only comfortable if you were alone"?
Will it start to move away from you and dislike you?
What kind of apprehensions do you have as a result, and how many of these fears can be verified?
How much of it is just your personal concern and not the truth?
You "like a little friendship and never get tired of being together", which may mean that you need to accept yourself more and allow yourself to take care of your needs and feelings more.
How much you can accept your own mental patterns, habits, or traits means that you can allow your friends to see you as much of your true self, and when your heart begins to be self-consistent, you will get along with your friends relatively smoothly.
——Teacher Liu