Two days ago, a middle-aged aunt whose appearance was not good-looking was on fire.
Speaking of the reason, it was an "escape" for her, an escape from marriage and family.
For the past three decades, this aunt surnamed Su has been separated from her husband, and the cost and expenses of living are also AA.
"I don't even have the right to use the couch!" In the video, Aunt Sue's tone is light and breezy, and it is difficult to hide the deep loneliness.
In the car she bought, she smiled and said to everyone:
"I posted this video to wake up Chinese women like me to go their own way and live for themselves once!"
Simple and straightforward language, but suddenly poked at the tears of countless middle-aged women, but also let those women who are consumed by the trivialities of life to the muddled wake-up:
How exactly should we live as women?
If you want to figure this out, I suggest you flip through The Joy Luck Club.
As the debut work of the Chinese novelist Tan Enmei, "Xifuhui" caused a huge sensation as soon as it was launched, winning various awards and becoming an enduring bestseller.
In the book, Tan Enmei not only shows the deep affection between mother and daughter by creating a full female image, but also takes the tragic fate of mothers and the unhappy marriage of their daughters as the starting point, telling how they suffer from the oppression of patriarchal society and the process of rebellion, gradually letting readers understand:
The process of women's self-search is extremely difficult, but even so, we still can't give up, can't admit our fate, and should let the world hear our voice, even if it is weak, it is a kind of strength!
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When she was nine years old, Xu Anmei saw her mother again, and although at this time, she looked like a stranger in Anmei's eyes, she still recognized her, and Anmei said: "I know that she is my mother, because I can feel her pain." ”
In the years when her mother was gone, all her impressions of her mother came from her grandmother, the woman who gave birth to her.
"Never mention your mother's name. Saying her name is tantamount to taking a bite out of your father's grave. ”
When Anmei's mother appeared, her grandmother could no longer lift the strength to scold her, because she was terminally ill.
She appeared in front of her grandmother, who cursed her with vicious words, and she did not return her mouth; the uncle slapped her, and she only lowered her head deeper.
Many years ago, because of widowhood, he married a rich man as a little wife, and his mother had long been expelled by this family.
Even though she has long been recognized by the family, when her grandmother was seriously ill, as a daughter, she still returned to her mother under great pressure and insults, and made her last confession in the most extreme way.
The mother cut a piece of flesh on her arm, tears streaming down her face, blood dripping from the floor. Mom put the piece of meat cut off from her arm into the medicinal soup, like an ancient witch, hoping to use an unknown spell to perform one last filial piety for her mother. ”
But the grandmother still died, the mother still did not get the family's forgiveness and forgiveness, but perhaps seeing An mei, the mother rebelled against her family for the first time:
She knelt in the front yard and kept plowing the gravel road with her fingers, as if she had lost something she could never find herself. The uncle reprimanded loudly:
"You still want to take your daughter away, and you're going to ruin her life!"
The mother still did not say a word, and crawled there, even crying silently, silently, as if to swallow all the bitterness into her stomach.
But perhaps she missed her mother too much, and even though her uncle stopped her, Anmei still desperately left her grandmother's house with her mother.
On the way to the train station in a rickshaw, my mother said softly:
"Poor Anmei, only you understand, only you understand the sins I have suffered."
At that time, Anmei only half understood her mother's words, and it was not until she returned to her mother's "home" that she understood the bitterness and helplessness in her mother's words.
It was the "home" of An Mei's stepfather Wu Qing, and his mother was his fourth aunt.
A most unfavored and most aggrieved character. This made An Mei wonder, because she found that her mother did not really care about Wu Qing, whether Wu Qing had newly married the fifth aunt or was ostracized by others.
Later, in small talk with the servants, An Mei learned that her mother had never voluntarily married Wu Qing.
It turned out that the reason why her mother remarried Wu Qing five years ago was because she was on the way to worship her father, she mistakenly caught his ruse and was deceived, when she was pregnant with Wu Qing's child in her belly, she had cried at her grandmother's house and begged her mother's family to take her in, but she was kicked out of the house by her uncle, the world was so big that there was no place for her except for Wu Qing, so her mother married Wu Qing with hatred...
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Seeing this, you may say that this is all a matter of the past era, and now there is no such bad thinking, is this really the case?
In "Jin Zhiying in '82", in the face of his daughter being harassed by hooligans, the first sentence of the father who has always behaved in front of his wife and daughter is that he opened his mouth - Why did you go to cram school so far? Why talk to strangers? Why wear such a short skirt?
"Girls should be careful, dress conservatively, behave in a disciplined manner, and dangerous times and dangerous people must know how to avoid themselves, otherwise the problem lies in people who do not know how to avoid."
The same thing is not a special case, in "Fang Siqi's First Love Paradise", in the abnormal relationship between Fang Siqi and Li Guohua, Siqi did not try to resist, but her efforts with a small temptation ended in failure, because whenever she talked a little about this topic, what she heard was disgust, disgust and disdain-
"I heard that there was a classmate at school who was with the teacher."
"Who?"
"I don't know."
"It's so annoying at such a young age."
Si Qi stopped talking, and she decided in an instant not to speak for the rest of her life.
The mother subconsciously spat out a "riot" word, breaking all of Fang Siqi's thoughts of asking for help.
In fact, whether it is Jin Zhiying or Fang Siqi, or Xu Anmei's mother, they are all victims of the patriarchal society.
For them, while enduring the pain of being defiled and harassed by others, they also have to endure moral whipping, they obediently endure all this in a patriarchal society, and abide by the meekness, humility, and tolerance that China has penetrated into women's blood for thousands of years, and almost become a natural meekness, modesty, and tolerance are the moral codes they must abide by, and once violated, they will be as despised and despised by others as Xu Anmei's mother, so Xu Anmei's mother said to her:
"Crying is useless, your tears can't wash away your pain, you can only make others happy, so you must learn to swallow tears into your stomach." 」
But what is the result of this tolerance?
This tolerance is like desperately pulling on a taut rubber band, and the longer it goes on, the more it is on the verge of collapse.
Any wind and grass can be the straw that crushes her nerves—
So, in that stormy little Chinese New Year's Eve, she swallowed the lantern wrapped in opium in one gulp, and used death to make a final rebellion against this society and her helpless life.
"I understood that my mother listened to her inner voice and decided not to disguise herself anymore."
Once Anmei's mother, trying her best to hide her pain, shrunk herself into the luxurious life that Wu Qing brought to her, hoping to exchange a house that belonged to herself and her daughter through the compromise of Wu Qing, but when this dream was shattered, she was completely desperate and completely awake, and the pain she tolerated just converged into greater pain that overwhelmed her, she had no choice, she could only use death to make her voice, perhaps, burying a hope with death, that is the hope for her daughter, I hope that she will not go her own old way again, and I hope that she will live out herself and face life bravely.
So I reached out and closed her eyes and told her in my heart: I saw everything clearly. I'm also strong. ”
Xu Anmei's childhood was unfortunate, and her mother's death allowed her to see another possibility of a given life.
Perhaps this is also the cruelest proverb that her mother told her with death.
Therefore, through the night of her mother's return, she let Wu Qing and the evil second wife finally straighten out her mother and raise her as the dearest child, and win the opportunity to change her destiny.
But perhaps even Xu Anmei did not think that on the road of "living out yourself", this is just the beginning...
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"I used to believe everything my mother said, even when I didn't know it."
Anmei's daughter Rose was born in the United States after World War II, and the different growing environments should have allowed her to share different values from her mother.
However, in fact, on the contrary, as a Chinese woman who grew up in the United States, Rose's conversation and appearance have been no different from those of Americans, but in her bones, modesty and gentleness, she still dominates her entire life, just like her attitude towards her mother Anmei:
"If I don't listen to her, I will become soft-hearted and credulous to others, and the words of others will be unreliable after all..."
Before marriage, she left her life to her mother, and after marriage, she obediently "ceded" her life to her American husband, Ted.
After marriage, Rose changed her appearance of independence before marriage, for her husband's career, not only gave up her own studies, but also gave up the right to "speak" in life, she loved her husband deeply, so she tried to play a "virtuous" wife should have the appearance -
She always looks like a bird, obedient to her husband, obedient, she tries to take care of Ted's life, conscientious, never dare to have a hint of burnout, she feels that she has given everything for this marriage, but Ted is still cheating.
The reason for cheating turned out to be "she was too obedient" and "too obedient", and Ted told her that he needed a spiritual partner who could communicate equally, not a "maid" who was obedient in everything.
This left Rose, who had "listened to it for a lifetime", at a loss.
However, even so, she was still unwilling to object in front of her husband, and only dared to suffer when she was alone:
"I had the check in my hand and the only thing I could do was sit on the couch with the edges and feel top-heavy. I stared at the fork on the divorce agreement, the wording on the prescription sheet, the ink in those two colors, and the date the check was issued, and saw that he wrote rigorously: Ten thousand yuan, no fractions. ”
Fifteen years of marriage, fifteen years of pay, only in exchange for a cold sentence of "one million yuan, no fractions."
Last week, Principal Zhang Guimei used the three words "get out" to send the group of "full-time wives" to the hot search again.
A stone stirs up a thousand layers of waves.
Although Principal Zhang's rhetoric is too emotional, as a woman, her worries are not superfluous.
Zhang Zhizhi, the "good woman" in this year's hit drama "Dear Myself", almost devoted herself to the family after marriage, and she worked while taking care of her children.
Husband Liu Yang always told Zhang Zhizhi: "I am your career, and the children are your career!" ”
The result? Although she tried her best and did everything, her husband still "turned a blind eye" to her efforts, and even slightly dissatisfied, he was furious, and finally even openly cheated!
Are Rose and Zhang Zhizhi wrong?
They did everything a wife could do, but in exchange for what? It's disgust, it's betrayal, it's the pain of not being understood.
Why?
"Every time you give him a gift, it's like begging— take this, oh sorry, please forgive me, I don't have weight to you, so of course he takes your efforts for granted." 」
When she discovered that her daughter's marriage was in trouble, Anmei realized for the first time that although she had traveled to the United States with her husband, a pharmacist, many years ago, and bought a house by her own efforts and lived a good life, she and her daughter Rose could never get rid of the obedience and self-sacrificing qualities that flowed in the blood and bones, which required all women to be "cultivated to be pure-hearted, to swallow the bitter fruits planted by others and planted by themselves, so-called, to break their teeth and swallow them with blood and teeth." ”
"You're like my mother, never knowing your worth until it's too late..."
The fate of three generations of women, the struggle and entanglement of three generations of women on the road of "finding themselves", like a spiral staircase around the ascent, but the steps are always on the same road.
But her dead mother and Seventy-year-old Anme may not be able to change, but Rose is not, as Anme puts it, "If she doesn't make an effort, she will lose her chance forever." ”
Rose made an "effort", which was no longer a wagging of her husband's tail and begging for a little sympathy and pity for him, but also to face her own heart, those unwilling, aggrieved, and desire to express anger, so when her husband once again asked her to sign a divorce and move out of the house they shared, she was provoked, she changed her previous weak and deceitful appearance, refused Ted's request, she told him word for word:
"You can't just take me out of your life like this!" ...... I'm going to live in my house, and when we sign the agreement, my lawyer will say so, now it's you, get out of my house! ”
Rose saw the result she wanted, she found that Ted was flustered, she defeated him, and with an equal posture, with an independent posture, she won Ted's respect, and also saved her marriage, and most importantly she finally understood—
"When you are in life, you are hit in the head, you have no way but to be knocked down, know that you can get up before you can get up, don't expect anyone to come to your rescue!" 」
She finally lived out "herself."
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On the road of "living out yourself", from Xu Anmei's mother to Anmei herself, and then to her daughter Rose, the youth of three generations of women, constant struggle and struggle, only in exchange for Rose's awakening.
But we all know that this is far from enough.
Today, 25 November, the International Day to Eliminate Domestic Violence, according to a WHO report, 30% of women worldwide have experienced domestic violence from intimate partners, of which only 7% have chosen to call the police.
Data disclosed by the All-China Women's Federation in 2015 showed:
Victims of domestic violence suffer an average of 35 times before they choose to call the police, and some of these stories end in death.
In other words, our mothers, sisters, colleagues, and friends may have experienced or are experiencing domestic violence of varying degrees and forms.
On September 14, Ram, a "grassroots Internet celebrity" in Aba, Sichuan, was set on fire by her ex-husband, and before that, she had taken a divorce certificate and said: "I am safe." ”
But is it really safe? Ram's death and the experience of three generations of Xu Anmei's mother and daughter have sounded a heavy alarm bell for those who are still alive.
As women, whether we are mothers, wives or daughters, we are ourselves first and foremost.
As an independent individual, you should not live under the evaluation of others, judging your own life by the eyes of others, this is not to require you to abandon the family, but to hope that every woman in everything they do is clear about what they are doing, and understand the meaning of doing so, so that they can become the master of their own life rather than a vassal!
Finally, I would like to end with a passage from AnMei in "Happy Blessing Society":
"A girl is like a tree, you have to stand up, only then can you grow tall and strong." If you lean over and listen to others, you will become weak and weak, and a gust of wind will blow you in! ”
I hope that every woman who sees this passage will encourage them together!
After reading the book "Happy Blessing Society", what do you think? Welcome @ Xiao Xiao loves to read, welcome to tell me your thoughts in the comment area below, after all, reading is the most important little thing, welcome to read with me in the story, taste the life outside the book!
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