When the writer Zeng Qifeng talked about interpersonal relationships, he put forward a very interesting analogy:
"The boundary of the cliff is clear, so we don't get too close, and the boundary of the water is blurry, and people often drown.
The same is true of human relationships, where all conflicts and troubles originate from our unintentional crossing of boundaries. ”
The feelings of adults are as thin as cicada wings, and no matter how affectionate they are, once they destroy the boundary river, they cannot be maintained for a long time;
The best friends who fell in love again could not escape the end of being separated when they touched the red line of getting along.
The direction of a relationship is often traced in the details.
No matter how good the relationship is, don't touch these red lines, so that the relationship can last for a long time.
Stretch the ruler too long
Haruki Murakami once said:
"Not all fish live in the same sea, and people are different. ”
In the face of close relationships, it is easy for us to ignore boundaries and get used to demanding friends by our own standards.
However, what we see is often the tip of the iceberg, and if we use our own ruler to measure others, it is often self-defeating.
Just like the experience of He Minhong and his friend Yu Chuhui in the TV series "Ode to Joy 3".
He Minhong works in a book publishing company and is very close to the writer Song Li, so he took the initiative to connect with Song Li's book-writing work.
Unexpectedly, the leader owed Song Li's manuscript fee later, which led to the collapse of cooperation.
Song Li mistakenly thought that He Minhong was in arrears because of his unprofessional work, so he posted an article on the Internet to question He Minhong.
Yu Chuhui, as He Minhong's good friend, was very anxious after learning about the situation.
Seeing that her friend had not been able to solve the crisis for a long time, she took matters into her own hands and anonymously posted an anonymous post to tell the ins and outs of the matter;
While defending his friend, he also implied in the article that Song Li and the company's leaders partnered to bully their friends.
She thought that this would help her friend resolve the crisis, but she didn't expect it to lead to a catastrophe.
This article caused an uproar on the Internet, which not only damaged the reputation of writer Song Li, but also implicated other employees of the company, which was questioned by netizens, and the company's reputation was even more discredited.
As things intensified, He was eventually fired from the company.
It was only then that she learned that her friend had written the anonymous post.
She angrily blamed Yu Chuhui for being nosy, if it weren't for her friend's own opinion, things would not have gotten out of control, and she would not have lost her job.
The two had a big quarrel, and their friendship was in crisis.
Such examples are not uncommon in life.
You have a small habit of freelancing, and you persuade him to find a stable job, which leads to tension in the relationship;
Your partner doesn't like to go to bed early, and you try your best to force him to change, but the other person doesn't appreciate it, but complains that you are controlling.
As it is written in The Man Who Stole the Shadows:
"You can't interfere in someone else's life, even if it's for their own good, because that's their life. ”
We can't see the whole picture of other people's fate, and we may not fully understand the hardships of others.
What we see as a waste of time may be someone else's pleasure;
What we think is a well-intentioned guide may be a constraint that others can't bear.
Seeing the difference between the other party, but not criticizing the other party for changing, discovering the gap between each other, but being able to accept the gap, two people can cherish each other.
Turning over the books too diligently
The friendship between Shen Congwen and Ding Ling is sighing.
Shen Congwen met Ding Ling when he submitted the article, and because he was a fellow villager, the two chatted passionately as soon as they met.
During the few years of wandering in Shanghai, Shen Congwen and Ding Ling and other friends rented a dilapidated apartment, and several people accompanied each other day and night, discussing articles.
Because they both love literary creation, several young people pooled money together to create the newspaper "Red and Black", ready to show their strength in the literary world.
But the situation was turbulent at that time, and it didn't take long for Ding Ling to be arrested and imprisoned for her radical and spicy style.
At that time, many friends found Shen Congwen and persuaded him to come forward to bail Ding Ling.
But out of prudence, Shen Congwen did not intervene directly, but used the pen as a weapon to write works such as "Remembering Ding Ling" to prove his innocence to his friends.
However, after Ding Ling was released from prison, she was angry that Shen Congwen did not come forward to bail herself.
She not only annotated hundreds of rebuttal remarks in the book "Remembering Ding Ling", but also posted an article insulting Shen Congwen as a villain who is greedy for life and afraid of death.
Shen Congwen thought that this was just a misunderstanding, so he continued to correspond with Ding Ling, learned that she had changed jobs, and specially visited her home to patiently explain her hardships to her friends.
But no matter what topic they discussed, Ding Ling would still hold back a little talk, go through old accounts again, and count how Shen Congwen was selfish and indifferent, and he was not righteous towards his friends.
The two of you said a word, and they quarreled in an instant.
Over time, Shen Congwen felt physically and mentally exhausted, and the good memories of the past came to naught, and the two finally broke up.
Even if they are close friends, there will be moments when they have different intentions, and even the most compatible relationship will inevitably have disagreements in getting along.
The most suffocating thing in a relationship is that one person often digs over old accounts and counts the mistakes of the other person.
Those old things are like scars, and if you argue about them over and over again, it is tantamount to tearing open the wounds again and again, not only hurting yourself to the point of blood, but also alienating the relationship.
The secret to warming up the relationship is never to rehash the past again and again, but to learn to ignore the past.
You might as well forget about the old things that can't be changed, and let go of the insignificant old disputes.
Only by knowing how to turn the page in time can feelings withstand the changes of the world, and each other can not get tired of being together for a long time.
Spit out too much bitter water
There is a concept of "emotional pollution" in psychology, to the effect that our negative emotions are like harmful viruses that can be quickly transmitted to those around us.
Some people think that friends are the medicine to relieve their pain, so they pour out their grievances and bitterness to their best friends.
As everyone knows, positive energy will become the breeze and warm sun that nourishes the relationship, and complaining and complaining will also become a breeding ground for haze.
Spitting too much bitterness is often the quickest way to ruin a relationship.
The abrupt friendship between writers Xiao Hong and Xu Guangping stepped on this red line.
Xiao Hong and Lu Xun became acquainted with her writing, and Lu Xun valued her writing talent very much, so he often invited her to his home as a guest.
Lu Xun's wife Xu Guangping also became acquainted with Xiao Hong.
One of them pursues themselves, is not afraid of the eyes of the world, and the other dares to love and hate, and does not care about the accusations of others, so the two hit it off at first sight and soon became friends.
At that time, Xiao Hong had just experienced a failed marriage, her husband was moody, and often punched and kicked her, Xiao Hong washed her face with tears every day, and she became decadent and depressed.
In difficult moments, Xu Guangping constantly comforted and encouraged her.
Whenever she came to visit, Xu Guangping either prepared carefully baked snacks or prepared a few books that Xiao Hong liked, patiently listened to her crying and relieved her emotions.
Xu Guangping hoped that a period of relief could help his friends tide over the difficulties, but he didn't expect Xiao Hong to take complaining as the norm.
She visited her home every day, poured out her grievances, and refused to go back until late at night.
At this moment, Lu Xun's body deteriorated and he had to stay in bed for a long time to recuperate.
Xu Guangping was exhausted in taking care of her husband, and she had to deal with Xiao Hong's negative emotions like a tide, and finally said helplessly:
Xiao Hong couldn't get rid of her sadness, the dysfunction of a person's life, which directly affected the life of her friends and lost her steps. ”
I remember Fu Seoul once said:
"Not many people really like to comfort others, and not many people really want to listen to other people's sad stories, all listening is patience. ”
The life of an adult, who does not have a life of chicken feathers, who does not have a moment of physical and mental exhaustion.
Complaining to friends for a long time can't change the status quo, but it makes yourself blocked, and it also causes the mood of others to fall into a trough.
No matter how close people are, they are not obliged to be our emotional dumping ground and stress haven forever.
Don't say anything when you're angry, don't say when you're difficult, and digest your emotions silently, which is a kind of decency for yourself and a kind of understanding for your friends.
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Sanmao once said:
"No matter how close friends are, they can't lose their proportions, they think they are familiar, and they end up being isolated. ”
As time goes by, we will eventually understand that the longer the relationship, the more restraint and reservation are needed.
This is not indifference and alienation, but a kind of wisdom of getting along with each other that knows the depth and knows how to advance and retreat.
Just the right amount of proportion can best touch people's hearts, and the appropriate shade of interaction can be comfortable for a long time.
For the rest of our lives, I hope we will have the intimacy with our confidants and friends, and we will also have a tacit understanding without words.