The child was diagnosed with depression and chose to "lie flat", did the parents "wait for the flowers to bloom" or actively guide?

Sunny day psychology He Rihui

2024-04-26 09:52Posted in Guangdong Psychiatrist

Wu Zhihong, a psychoanalyst and writer with tens of millions of fans, once shared his experience of getting out of depression by "lying flat" in the programs "Round Table Pie" and "Luyu Have an Appointment for a Day", which once became a hot topic. Coupled with the publicity of these programs, as well as the reprinting and dissemination of some self-media, many depressed patients and their families think that "lying flat" can really lead to recovery.

However, from the perspective of precision psychopsychology, Wu Zhihong's method is not suitable for the vast majority of depressed patients. Moreover, his so-called "lying flat" is not really "lying flat", but constantly self-aware.

Some netizens may also say that Wu Zhihong is indeed a special example, but there are still many depressed patients on the Internet who say that after "lying flat" at home for a period of time, they will slowly recover the motivation of life; some parents also say that they do not force their sick children to go to school, see a doctor, take medicine, let their children do what they want to do, "wait for the flowers to bloom", and the children will get better slowly. Aren't these examples true?

Most of these examples are true, but the so-called "lying flat" is only a superficial fact, not the truth of these patients moving towards recovery.

It is highly likely that they were in the process of "lying flat", because some experiences inadvertently repaired the major superimposed psychological trauma, established a rational and comprehensive attribution model, and alleviated depression. For example, some parents of patients have changed the way they get along with their sick children, and unconsciously adopted scientific education methods, improved family relationships, and let their children find their goals in life.

There is also the possibility that some patients may only get better temporarily, and that depression may recur later if some events activate their major superimposed psychological trauma.

In other words, don't just see the literal meaning of "lying flat" and really think that this can cure depression. What others say "lying flat" is not necessarily what you think is "lying flat".

Moreover, if the patient and his family really do nothing after suffering from depression, the risk behind this will be very high, and there are many hidden dangers. The so-called "waiting for the flower to bloom" is to give the bud enough nutrients and a suitable environment before waiting for it to bloom.

In today's article, we will talk about the following topics from the perspective of precision psychopsychology:

If depressed patients and their families blindly "lie flat", what are the major hidden dangers?

If the patient is already in the "lying flat comfort zone" and does not want to come out, that is, he is unwilling to accept any treatment or change the status quo, how can parents actively guide the child to become rational?

This image is AI-generated

01. Choose to "lie flat" after suffering from depression?

There are many reasons why many depressed patients and their families choose to "lie flat", and they are not even voluntary.

First of all, the vast majority of patients and their parents are motivated to seek medical treatment at first, and they are eager to find a treatment that will bring immediate results back to their normal lives and continue to pursue their original goals.

However, many patients who have received mainstream psychiatric treatment and psychological counseling/psychotherapy find that they are unable to solve the problem quickly and that they still cannot recover. After repeated such disappointments, they fell into despair.

In particular, children who have been diagnosed with treatment-resistant depression, not to mention bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, have complex conditions that often do not heal for a long time.

It stands to reason that if the psychiatrist does not prescribe relevant medical advice for these patients, the psychological counselor cannot provide them with relevant psychological services, which is a violation of laws and regulations.

At the same time, they are very narcissistic, and may sneer at mainstream psychiatrists, believing that they do not have the "diamond" to solve mental and psychological problems, so they will advise their parents to "lie down" and "wait for the flowers to bloom".

Some parents are reluctant to "lie flat", and these counselors will blame the parents in turn, believing that it is the parents' wrong family education method that causes the child to get sick.

Out of guilt for their children, parents do not dare to force their children, so they can only be forced to choose to "lie flat" helplessly, and they will ask, "How long will the child lie flat?", and the psychological counselor did not give a definite answer, "This is decided by the child, and when the child wants to face it, he will naturally not lie flat." ”

In other words, these patients are "lying flat" and unwilling to be treated, not because they really don't want to recover, but because they are silently fighting. This reflects a fact that cannot be ignored - mainstream psychiatric practitioners at home and abroad are unable to provide truly efficient rehabilitation methods for patients with depression.

The parents' "lying flat" is likely to be influenced by some psychological counselors, who always believe too much in the remarks of "waiting for the flowers to bloom".

After these patients passively "lie flat", because of the convenient life of modern society in China and the tolerance of their parents, they gradually get used to and adapt, and they dare not come out of the psychological comfort zone.

Nowadays, the domestic and foreign sales and online shopping industries are developed, and even if people with depression do not go out at all and do not communicate with people in the real society, their basic life needs can be satisfied.

They may also feel empty, depressed, bored, and worried about their studies and future at home. But they gradually found that they can also pass the time by playing games, watching short videos, and chatting with netizens. As for their studies and future, they often subconsciously don't think about it.

Man is an animal, and he also has the animal instinct to seek advantage and avoid harm. On this side, there is good food and drink at home, "lying flat", free and easy, with parents for you, anyway, as long as you don't go out, you can not think about any problems.

On the other hand, we have to face the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future, think about how to return to society or school, and if we go to the doctor, we are likely to suffer the blow of unsatisfactory treatment again.

In such a comparison, which side do you think the sick child will choose? Not to mention the child, even if the adult patient is in a position to "lie flat", I am afraid that they will not be able to resist choosing the first one.

Even if someone around you accuses the child of "gnawing at the old", the child stays at home and generally does not hear these remarks. If children have been exposed to psychoanalysis in any way, and even agree with Wu Zhihong's statement that "parents are evil", they will also feel that their current situation is caused by their original family and parents, so they can "lie flat" more comfortably.

And parents will feel helpless and want to cry without tears when they see their children "lying flat". This, in turn, will make the child feel more justified in "lying flat" and think that it is a means of attacking parents.

There is a college student patient Xingyan who suffered from severe depression in her sophomore year, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts, and was forced to take a leave of absence. He has also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia as a precursor by other authoritative psychiatrists, but the effect of medication and general psychological counseling/psychotherapy is not satisfactory.

Xingyan has lost confidence in recovery and does not want to undergo any further treatment. Under the persuasion of her parents, she was reluctant to come to us for treatment, but at first she was very uncooperative, saying that she felt that she was very good at home, and it didn't matter if she didn't go to school.

Fortunately, after in-depth positive guidance, Xingyan regained his motivation to recover. And very importantly, Xingyan's mother fully realized that it is very rare to receive clinical precision psychological intervention, she decisively gave up the luck mentality, constantly actively encouraged and guided her daughter, and also urged her husband to actively accept family treatment, which made Xingyan have hope again. Later, Xingyan re-underwent clinical precision psychological intervention. In the end, he was able to withdraw his medication and recover, and successfully returned to school.

Moreover, the parents of some patients used to blindly "chicken babies", which put their children under great psychological pressure. But after the child fell ill, they were very worried about the tragedy of the child, and they also realized that they were very responsible for their wrong education methods, and their mentality went to the other extreme: the child can lie down if he wants to, as long as he can live safely and happily.

These parents have also "lay flat" in desperation, and their expectations have been reduced to the lowest. As long as children don't hurt others or hurt themselves, they will blindly obey, think about how long they can take care of their children, and let them hide in their psychological comfort zone.

One of the patient's fathers said that since his daughter fell ill, they had tried many methods to no avail, and he really felt tired and hopeless. He thought about not struggling anymore, and he didn't want his children to suffer the pain of going to the doctor, he once planned to sell his family's house in the city center, buy a cheap house in the suburbs, take his daughter away from the hustle and bustle of life, and use the rest of the money to support her.

So, in fact, to a certain extent, patients and their families are forced to "lie flat", and they are also very helpless.

From a practical point of view, if the patient "lies flat" appropriately, for example, within 1 or 2 years, the hidden dangers brought by this are not obvious, and even the benefits outweigh the disadvantages, which can temporarily keep the patient away from the stressor, get rest, and help his mood.

Therefore, patients with depression and bipolar disorder can consider taking a leave of absence for 1 year or even 2 years when their condition is severe. During the suspension period, after the patient's emotional symptoms have stabilized, the parents and the patient can find a rehabilitation roadmap suitable for their own family together, and even receive clinical precision psychological intervention, and the patient can often return to school smoothly, or even achieve overtaking in corners.

However, if patients and their families blindly "lie flat" and do not seize the opportunity, then as the "lying flat" time becomes longer and longer, the possibility of patients deviating from the normal growth track and even disconnecting from society will increase.

Years later, when they learn that their classmates and friends have been admitted to college, found jobs, or even started a family, they are very likely to be very disappointed, have low self-esteem, have a major depressive episode again, or even decide to commit suicide.

A patient's parent said that she once joined a support group for patients with depression, and saw that there was a depressed patient who stayed at home for 10 years after taking a leave of absence due to illness, and it was impossible to return to school.

Therefore, it is hoped that patients with depression, their families, and especially the latter will remain rational. When the patient's condition is severe, they can temporarily find a psychological comfort zone and recuperate, but this time should not be too long. Especially for teenagers and college students who are still in the school stage, it is very important for parents to help them get back on the track of life growth in a timely manner.

02. The patient's parents cannot "lie flat" and must learn to self-family therapy

If a depressed patient has a "lying flat" mentality, how can parents actively guide and even find ways to speed up their child's recovery?

First, parents themselves cannot have the mentality of "lying flat", and cannot blindly believe what is said on the Internet to "wait for the flowers to bloom" and "accept everything", which is actually very ignorant and ignorant.

There are many methods that parents have tried with their children that are not ideal, mainly because none of these methods are effective in solving the problem, not that depression cannot be cured.

Parents should change their thinking, take the initiative to learn accurate psychiatric psychology knowledge, arm their brains with efficient and scientific knowledge, understand the real root cause of depression, and realize how their children's diseases are formed.

Second, parents should learn to "self-family therapy", deeply self-reflect, change and improve, consciously improve the family atmosphere and parent-child relationship, and gradually and partially repair the superimposed psychological trauma of their children through this method.

For example, many adolescent patients are addicted to the Internet after taking a leave of absence, and black and white are reversed. If parents only look at the surface, they often feel that their children are decadent and degenerate, and they can't help but criticize and teach their children.

However, if parents have mastered the knowledge of accurate psychiatric psychology, they will realize that this is the normal state of children in an abnormal state, they have accumulated a large number of strong negative emotions in their hearts, and playing games is a way for them to release their emotions, which can temporarily stabilize their emotions. From this perspective, it is easier for parents to understand their children's behavior.

Parents also need to reflect on whether they have adopted the wrong family education method in the past, which has caused superimposed psychological trauma to their children. Although parents love their children, expressions of love are likely to be inappropriate.

For example, some parents blindly have too high requirements for their children's academic performance. Although the parents' starting point is indeed for the good of the child, it has invisibly brought a lot of superimposed psychological trauma to the child, which has become one of the root causes of the child's illness.

Some parents want their children to have a smooth life, and they go out of their way to arrange the path for their children to take, and they do not give their children any choice. This leads to a lack of self-confidence and self-confidence, and on the other hand, the child may feel that he has lost the initiative in life and may even think that he is just an accessory to his parents.

Some parents, although they seem to be democratic and relaxed, actually go to the other extreme, blindly free-range, ignoring the emotional needs of their children. Children seem to be free and easy, but in fact, they are lonely inside, especially only children, without the company of siblings, and the parent-child relationship with their parents is very estranged, and even always "report good news but not bad news" to their parents.

There are many ways to educate a family in a bad way, and these are just a few of them. It is hoped that parents will deeply self-reflect, change and improve, communicate with their children deeply after improving the parent-child relationship, and humbly accept their children's evaluations, views and suggestions to their parents.

If parents find that they have indeed caused a lot of psychological trauma to their children, it is best to sincerely apologize to their children and continue to make corrections, which is very conducive to improving the parent-child relationship and family atmosphere, and helping the child to recover further.

In addition, parents should reflect on whether they have personality abnormalities. Many parents are very good and successful in their careers, and it is easy to become self-righteous and very aggressive when it comes to educating their children. This is a typical paranoid personality abnormality. If the parent also has personality traits that are perfectionist, nitpicky, anxious, and catastrophic thinking, it is possible that the obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is present.

Hopefully, these parents will be more self-aware. If it weren't for the child's problem, you might never realize that you have a personality abnormality in your life. Now that the child is sick and has not been cured for a long time, this can force you to deeply reflect on yourself and reverse your personality abnormality to a certain extent.

From this point of view, this is actually an opportunity. If your personality abnormalities are alleviated and there is a huge positive change in the whole person, this will have a positive impact on the child, which means that their condition will also be significantly reduced.

I've shared my own experiences. I am a precision psychiatrist, but because I have been a top student since I was a child, and I was finally admitted to Fudan University as a graduate student, I once thought I was very good, I was always self-righteous, and I had a paranoid personality abnormality. But I didn't take medication or go through counseling/psychotherapy, but I was able to reverse my personality abnormality.

Third, after the implementation of "self-family therapy" and the parent-child relationship has significantly improved, if the child is in the stage of taking a leave of absence, parents can also use this time to take the child on vacation.

Of course, this must be done if the child is willing, not on the wishful thinking of the parents. Parents can respect their children's wishes, let their children play their subjective initiative, participate in the development of play strategies, hotel reservations, etc., if the child successfully completes these things, parents should give timely and specific affirmation, which will help children gain a sense of accomplishment and improve self-confidence.

In the process of vacation, parents should put down work and life chores, take this opportunity to further improve the parent-child relationship, and even enter the inner world of their children.

"Reading 10,000 books, it is better to travel 10,000 miles, travel 10,000 miles, it is better to read countless people, read countless people, not as good as noble people to guide the way", children in the process of vacation, not only can broaden their horizons, increase their knowledge, but also be able to contact more people, maybe there will be unexpected surprises on the way, can meet the "nobles" who guide the children to the maze.

03. How to guide depressed children out of the "lying flat" mentality?

Fourth, the above analysis of the psychology behind the child's "lying flat", which is actually passive lying flat, parents must understand, do not blame, criticize.

Parents should judge whether the child has suffered a second psychological injury in the process of seeking medical treatment, if so, parents should adjust the method in time, do not rush to the doctor anymore, and combine the first and second points above, and after in-depth communication with the child, find a recovery roadmap that is really suitable for the child.

If the child is really unwilling to seek medical treatment, parents can guide them to try to learn mindfulness therapy, combining a calm and relaxed state with negative emotions repeatedly, although it cannot completely solve the child's problem, but it is conducive to alleviating emotional symptoms, and the child's thinking content will be correspondingly geographical.

In addition, you can also learn about CBT books such as Burns Mood Therapy, which can help you become self-aware and identify undesirable cognitive content.

However, it is not advisable for sick children to follow Wu Zhihong's example and try to move towards recovery by learning the school of psychoanalysis. The psychoanalytic school tends to overemphasize the negative impact of the family of origin, and will use words such as "controlling" and "aggressive" to describe the parents' improper family education style.

The advantage of this is that the patient will no longer be completely self-denying, realize that depression is not their fault, and the depressive symptoms will be relieved. However, the downside is that patients may move towards a complete extrinsic attribution pattern, become very paranoid, blame their parents for their illness, and the parent-child relationship deteriorates.

If they are depressed and able to live independently, they can keep a certain distance from their parents and avoid direct conflict. However, adolescents and students stay at home after taking a leave of absence, and if they frequently have conflicts with their parents and make big noises, it will lead to violent mood swings, and it is easy for psychiatrists to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and become "severe mental illness" by psychiatrists.

Fifth, if there are other children in the family, parents should guide them to understand and respect the sick siblings, and not show disdain and contempt.

In some families, the elder brother or sister is depressed and takes a leave of absence from school, but the younger brother or sister is still relatively healthy and even motivated, and his academic performance is also good. Without guidance, these children often find it difficult to understand why their older siblings are like this, why they don't go to school, why they play games all day long, and make their parents sad.

They may feel that their older siblings are lazy and depraved, and if they have a conflict with each other, they may even blurt out that their older siblings are "trash". This can easily exacerbate the conflict, cause more superimposed psychological trauma to the sick child, and aggravate the condition.

Therefore, in families with many children, parents should consciously communicate with their children who are not sick in advance, so that they know why their older siblings are sick and what difficulties they face, and they should show respect, understanding and concern.

In a way, these children also have to thank their sick older siblings, because it is after they get sick that their parents are aware of correcting their mistakes in homeschooling, and other children benefit from it. Of course, if the younger siblings are sick in the family, the parents should also give the older siblings such positive guidance.

Sixth, if the above points are achieved, the child's condition has often been significantly alleviated, and parents should consciously guide the child to gradually cultivate a high adversity quotient that is more and more courageous through life and actively face difficulties.

For example, many children have obvious side effects after taking psychiatric drugs, such as weight gain and drowsiness. Parents should actively work with their children to find solutions, such as finding a doctor to adjust their medication on the one hand, and on the other hand, they can develop more scientific diet and exercise habits with their children, so as to alleviate side effects and be beneficial to physical health.

If the child has suffered superimposed psychological trauma in interpersonal communication, has social phobia, and is reluctant to go out, parents can try to start from the simplest, encourage the child to go out with him to pick up couriers, takeout, and buy things, give the child affirmation in time, and then slowly expand to go out to participate in some activities that the child likes.

In this process, parents should also guide their children to realize their own shortcomings, improve their interpersonal skills, and gradually regain their social self-confidence.

If a child has a learning disability and is unable to learn, parents should guide the child to realize that there is also superimposed psychological trauma behind the learning disability. On the one hand, you can try to repair the psychological trauma that you can remember, and on the other hand, you can consciously combine the learning situation with positive emotions repeatedly, so that you can learn a little bit and find a learning state.

No matter what aspect it is, when parents see some positive changes in their children, they must give their children affirmation in a timely and concrete manner, and guide them to learn self-affirmation. This promotes a virtuous cycle and helps children feel the energy of constant recovery and get out of the "lying flat" mentality. Parents can also make life plans for their children and guide them to find meaning in life.

It is hoped that both patients and parents will realize that depression is not a chronic recurrent disease, it can be cured. If you really want to lie down, you should first get rid of the disease, really move towards recovery, regain your rationality and work hard for a stable life, and then consider whether to spend the rest of your life comfortably and relaxed. This belongs to the active "lying flat", which is the right of personal choice.

However, from my personal point of view, I believe that no matter what stage of a person's life is, he should not continue to "lie flat".

After years of hard work and struggle, I am now fully capable and qualified to choose to "lie flat", but I am unwilling to stop the pace of struggle. Helping more patients with mental and psychological disorders to truly recover is not only my job, but also my mission and the meaning of my life.

I hope that the parents of patients can also think deeply about their future life path, if you don't want your children to lie down, you should lead by example, become your children's role models and comrades-in-arms, and find and realize their own meaning in life together. If children re-find their own positive life goals and see the possibility of achieving them, they will regain their fighting spirit and are not willing to "lie flat" at all, we parents should seize the opportunity to form a virtuous circle and let the children come out as soon as possible!

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