A few days ago, I was chatting with a friend about the influence of parents on their children.
Friends said that when he was a child, he was often beaten and scolded by his parents, but even this he could accept it, and the most impressive thing was a "cold violence" from his father.
My friend failed an exam in junior high school, and even if he failed the exam, he was still excellent, but his father, who had always been strict with him, couldn't accept it, and didn't say a word to him during the entire winter vacation.
If he was seen going out to play, his father would look at him contemptuously without saying anything, and when a relative asked him about his grades, his father would throw out a sentence every time: "You ask him if he has the face to say." ”
My friend sighed and said, "I would rather he beat me up than torture me in that way." ”
Her father's deliberate non-response and cold violence made her very uncomfortable, and it would still be suffocating to think about it now!
Teacher Wu Zhihong said: "If there is no response, home is also a desperate situation." ”
The child may not be able to understand the performance of the parents, but the parents' indifference will make the child feel: It turns out that I am not that important.
In life, we are not as extreme as the fathers of our friends do, but it is not uncommon for us to respond to our children well:
When a child enthusiastically shares the blocks he has built or the drawings he has drawn, or the things he has found that he thinks are interesting, we will rush to our own things and fool around.
This incident shared by Meizi in the girlfriend group, you may empathize:
Last night, when I was about to take a bath for my sister, my son came up to me and said, "Mom, I'll give you a question to see if you can do it?"
I absentmindedly responded, "You can say it, I'll just listen." ”
Son: "Mom, I'd better wait for you to finish washing my sister, I need you to go over and take a look!"
After bathing my sister, I continued to be busy with other things.
Son: "Mom, can you come and see?"
I said impatiently, "I'm so busy, how can I have time to see it?"
Son: "Mom give me 5 seconds, just 5 seconds".
As I brushed my teeth, I looked at my son, "Say it, I can see it!"
I saw the child put two squares with wooden sticks and asked me, "Mom, how do you become a square when you only move two wooden sticks?"
Without thinking, I said: "It's not next to each other, and you can't move it, don't waste time, go wash up, it's almost ten o'clock......"
The son still fiddled with interest and said, "Look! ”
After saying that, he jumped up happily......
At this time, I suddenly felt very self-blaming, the child just happily shared with me, but I kept perfunctory to him, failed to respond to him properly, communicated with him, but he kept being patient, even if I only gave him 5 seconds!
In our busy daily lives, how many times do we neglect our children and fail to respond to them properly?
Babies who don't get a response,
The brain is undergoing amazing changes!
Netflix's 2020 documentary "The First Year of the Baby", which has an experiment about the changes that occur in the brain when the baby does not get a response. Through experiments, scientists were surprised to find that the difference was huge!
To study how different parenting styles affect their brains, scientists tracked families and scanned their babies' brains after they were born.
Then, through 6 months, observe and compare the parenting styles of different families, such as: whether the baby's needs are accepted by the parents, whether the baby cries, whether the mother responds, etc.
When the baby's brain was scanned again after 6 months, the researchers found some differences: the hippocampus, located in the central area of the baby's brain, would vary depending on the parenting style.
We all know that the hippocampus plays a very important role in learning, memory, and dealing with pain.
If babies are less likely to receive timely responses during parenting, their hippocampus will change. This suggests that babies are struggling to control their stress because they are unable to get enough support from the hippocampus.
Even if it is only a short period of 6 months, the baby's sense of security cannot be satisfied, which will lead to obvious differences in the structure of brain development.
A child's growth is a process of continuous exploration.
When your baby feels safe, he or she will have time to explore his surroundings and grow through exploration, and when he or she is unable to get these signals from his parents, he may prioritise his own safety over exploring the environment. There is a famous saying in psychology that says, "A place without response is a desperate situation!" That is, if there is no emotional response, people are in a desperate situation.
In his book, the psychologist Sigmund Freud told a story about a 3-year-old boy in a dark room who shouted, "Auntie talk to me!" The aunt responded, "What's the use of that? You can't see me." The boy replied, "It's okay, someone speaks and brings light." ”
In a parent-child relationship, the parent's response is like a shining light for the child. Let children feel loved, understood, and accepted.
As a parent or caregiver, whether your child is an infant, a toddler, or an adolescent, you should respond positively to your child's emotional needs.
See, it's light!
Your feedback, your care, can make children perceive their own existence and importance.
It is enough to destroy a child and ignore him
I once saw such a post from a netizen on the website:
Every time my mother is in a bad mood, she will automatically switch to ignoring her. You call her, she ignores you, you want to talk to her, she acts as if she doesn't see you.
Over time, whenever this happens, she feels very scared, becomes very sensible, and even deliberately tries to please her mother. She said that from childhood to adulthood, such a situation would be staged from time to time.
At that time, she always felt that she had done something wrong to let her mother be like this. But it turned out that everything was none of her business, but her mother failed to give her a corresponding response at that time, making her mistakenly think that everything was her fault!
Gradually, she formed a pleasing personality, and her thoughts became very extreme, she loved to drill the horns, and she couldn't handle interpersonal relationships.
If her mother had been able to face all this correctly, she would not be like this now.
Parental neglect can lead to fear and confusion, and if you want to ruin your child, you can do so.
In fact, it is really not that difficult to respond to children and see children!
As long as we are willing to squat down, see the world through the eyes of children, and spend enough effort to understand the voices of children.
These common ways of responding to children are really not advisable: "What is more terrible than beating and scolding children is the cold violence of parents! Look at how many ...... you have"
The right response should be timely, so that the child feels loved and respected.
Don't ignore and deny, but know how to empathize, truly feel the child's mood at this moment, accept his emotions, and "resonate with the same frequency" with the child.
For example, if your child is excited to talk to you about the scenery he sees, then follow his perspective to observe and appreciate those things and resonate:
"yes, I saw it, it's really beautiful!"
If your child tells you that he has been criticized by the teacher, then put yourself in his shoes, feel his feelings, think about what he needs most at this time, and express concern and understanding:
"Did something happen? I can see you're sad. ”
Children's emotions and feelings are understood and accepted, and in this good interactive experience, they will establish a close emotional connection and a safe attachment pattern with their parents, enhance the parent-child relationship, and the child's emotional intelligence will be higher.
Please give your child more positive and positive responses, and your child will bring more surprises to their parents.