Text | Mi Li's mother
I happened to hear colleagues talking about having children, and as long as the female colleagues in the company got together, this topic would be frequently mentioned.
Two colleagues in the office are pregnant, and several other colleagues who already have babies are particularly active in guiding and sharing their experiences.
Before getting married, Mi Li's mother had no feelings about pregnancy and childbirth. Since I had a baby, every time we discuss the topic of having a baby, I will inevitably join the chat bureau. (I'm sure you're just like me)
For many people, childbirth is a matter of course, at a certain stage of life, the child comes unexpectedly, like a gift from God, you just need to receive it.
But there is another group of people, who are eager to have children, but they have to spend many, many years, still hope again and again, fail again and again, seek medical treatment, promote excretion, and treatment......
In the process of continuous attempts, the desire for children will gradually become an obsession, and this time is often the most testing of the relationship between husband and wife.
In the documentary "Wonderful Egg Lives", a child-seeking apartment in Shanghai is documented. Everyone inside is desperately looking forward to having a child one day.
Many of them were under tremendous pressure, with frequent injections and their bodies pierced into a sieve. Faced with the dislike of their in-laws and husbands, and the ultimatum of divorce if they can't have children, many of them don't even feel that it's the other party's problem, but feel that they're useless.
This guilt can turn into a new stress, a vicious cycle.
Mi Li's mother recommended this documentary to everyone before, but when she turned it out again, she suddenly had a different feeling.
Do women's self-worth have to rely on the identity of a wife and mother to exist? How far are they from awakening to the point that they are convinced that they are incomplete without having children?
They were ruthlessly abandoned
What suffocates Mi Li's mother the most is Li Wenxia in the film.
She had two IVF sessions in total, both of which failed. When her husband first got married, he told her that he was married to carry on the lineage.
There is a clip in the film that records the daily life of Li Wenxia and her husband, her husband has a disgusted face throughout the whole process, Li Wenxia is busy preparing a meal, and puts it in front of her husband for him to eat, he shakes his hand and leaves after eating the bowl.
And Li Wenxia cautiously glanced at her husband from time to time, looking at his face at any time, like a humble employee who looks at the boss's words and looks.
Let's just say, love and dislove are obvious, the husband looks arrogant, he doesn't do housework, and he is considerate, the only thing he does is to dislike Li Wenxia for not being able to have children, and explain how unlucky he will be if he has no children.
This made Li Wenxia very guilty, she thought that if she didn't have children, she would be sorry for her husband.
While she was in the ward to retrieve her eggs, her husband was outside playing on his phone.
Two weeks later, Li Wenxia became pregnant, but the risk rate was still high due to blood in the uterine cavity.
When the moderator asked, what if it doesn't work out this time?
Although Li Wenxia said that she would let her husband find another one, her expression was very sad. The husband, on the other hand, said nothing, and even sneered in a daze, and his contempt was overflowing, although I did not know where his superiority came from.
This time she still had a miscarriage, because of this miscarriage, Li Wenxia was kicked out of the house by her mother-in-law and husband, which is not the most excessive, her husband actually claimed 600,000 yuan from her, on the grounds that the cost of assisted reproduction was spent on her, but she failed to give birth to a child, if she wants to leave, she has to repay the money.
Save your life! Is it okay for netizens' mammary glands to be mammary glands! This man even kept showing that contemptuous and sneering when he confidently stated his claim for compensation to the host!
In addition to Li Wenxia, there is also a girl in the film, Xinxin, her husband is not so straightforward, he is a male green tea.
Why do you say that he is a male green tea, because he always talks about his parents.
He said that Xinxin had never been able to conceive, and he was also very sad. The parents gave a one-year deadline, and if they didn't conceive within a year, they would get divorced.
The host asked: If there were no parents to stop you, what would you think?
The man said: Of course I think I can wait longer, and it doesn't matter if it's two years.
Ah! I can't do it, really! These people are all poisonous, right? The man said, Xinxin couldn't help crying, and then he didn't forget to add:
"Hey, who let the parents have this request, there is really no way, my personal words actually don't matter. After all, two people have feelings. ”
How to say it, it is difficult to judge, seeing her husband say this kind of thing, Xinxin is still crying and trying to give him a child.
When taking the host to visit the night market, Xinxin played with a ring, and when she was hit, she smiled stupidly and jumped and hugged her husband to cheer, but the husband on the side did not respond to the action, and the scene was embarrassing for a while.
It's very angry, can create such a passive situation, it must be a willingness to fight and a willingness to suffer, otherwise who will get used to them?!
Wait for the child to come home
The most sentimental part of the film is Lulu and his wife, who are a lonely family whose son Dongdong died in a car accident when he was eight years old.
The couple didn't dare to enter their son's room for a long time, all the furnishings were kept, but they didn't have the courage to go in at all, everyone with children understood, this unbearable pain was really too torturous.
The couple opened a beauty salon, and the family conditions were very good. But the mental torture is irreparable by any material satisfaction, as Lulu said, when her son left, she no longer knew what the meaning of her work and money was, and her spirit was empty all of a sudden.
Lulu and his wife donated Dongdong's heart, cornea and other intact organs, and Dongdong's departure successfully allowed five people to be treated.
Because they feel that as long as their son's organs are alive, it is as if his son is still alive.
In the rest of their lives, the couple can only take IVF as spiritual sustenance. Lulu said that if she didn't, she wouldn't know what her life was for.
Only by constantly trying and doing test tubes again and again can I feel that I have been waiting to bring my son back.
She believes that when her son is reincarnated, he will return to her. And the child who has been trying hard to conceive again is Dongdong who has been gone for a long time and has come back again.
The same single mother is Sister Chen, the manager of a child-seeking apartment in Shanghai. She is 60 years old, and her two sons are only four or five years old.
When her two children call her "Mommy", they attract strange glances from passers-by.
She also kept trying with strong perseverance, failing again and again, just so that the deceased child could find his way home when he came back.
She told the host that her youngest son looked very similar to the one who left, and she believed that it must be the one who came back.
Her story has also inspired many people, and the child-seeking apartment she opened is full of people like her who are determined to have children and want children.
She will encourage everyone with her success, and the road to seeking a child is full of conviction that those girls who pierce themselves with pinholes and do not give up are really braver and stronger than the other.
Sheng Hailin, a 60-year-old mother who lost her only mother, risked giving birth at an advanced age and gave birth to twin daughters by caesarean section through IVF.
12 years have passed, Sheng Hailin's 73-year-old husband has passed away, and she has become a single mother with her two minor daughters.
When she gave birth to two twin daughters, she became the oldest woman in China at that time, breaking the limits of childbearing. It is precisely because of this that public opinion from all sides has been arguing endlessly.
These lonely mothers have the same attachment, and the whole meaning of life may be maintained in this obsession.
Know what you want
There are always mixed opinions about the choice of having children at an advanced age in a single family.
Because he couldn't bear the pain of losing his child, he gave birth to two children at an advanced age to fill his grief, which was unfair to the two children.
Several mothers who have lost their independence in the film say strikingly similar words. They all want to use new children to bring back the departed children when they are reincarnated, so that their souls can have a home.
But in fact, for this newborn child, he will definitely resist his mother's mentality to a certain extent, because he will always feel that he is a substitute for "Guanguan", even if the mother shows that he loves himself again, the child will doubt whether this love is for himself or for his dead brother.
In the matter of childbirth, there is indeed a psychological factor to save oneself and redeem oneself, which is irrefutable. But what does it really mean for a mother to lose one's independence?
In China, more than 1 million families have lost their only child. And this number is increasing at a rate of 76,000 per year.
The pain endured by mothers who have lost their independence is actually something that ordinary people can't empathize with at all, because of the kind of tearing pain, we are rarely willing to empathize, and even think about it empathically, in fact, we are all repulsed, because we really dare not think about it at all.
The criterion for judging whether a person makes a decision is selfish should not be based on her age. Everyone's ability is different, some people can work with a baby at the age of 60, and some people can even start a new life mode at the age of 70.
Whether a person's decision is right or not should be judged by whether she can take responsibility for the decision she makes. is like Sister Chen in the film, while she gave birth to two more sons, she also has the ability to help more people who are eager to have children like herself.
As for those women who were ruthlessly abandoned by their in-laws because they couldn't have children, they will eventually realize that it is their own humble and subordinate thinking that fuels the patriarchal thinking to trample on women.
If you love yourself enough, no one can trample on you at all.
In the minds of these men, a woman's reproductive value is the only value that she can exist in the marital relationship, and when they are unable to have children, they should become outcasts.
But Xiao Wu, who suffers from azoospermia in the film, decided to conceive his wife through sperm donation, but what he got was praise on the screen.
The so-called sperm donation is to use sperm donated by other people in the sperm bank to conceive his wife, and the child born is not related to himself.
And Xiao Wu decided to conceive his wife in this way, and he could already be praised for "having courage and responsibility" and "challenging traditional concepts of a real man", but is there a possibility that it is his wife's indefatigability that gives him the right to choose this way?
What if the wife chooses to abandon and replace her like Li Wenxia and Xinxin's husbands? After all, the physical problem is not the woman.
The greatest progress in modern marriage is the increasing equality of men and women. When we choose to spend our lives with each other, responsibility and companionship are a common understanding, and it should not be subject to additional conditions such as whether or not we can have children.
In the film, the Xiaobai couple had train tickets to go to other places to seek child stimulation treatment all over the table, but they could still hug each other and laugh and laugh on the train to the hospital, because they had love in their hearts and hope for the future, and in this hope, there should always be each other's participation.
Everyone on the road to seeking a child has their own sad and joyful stories. But the expressions, movements, and behaviors of those who love or don't love are really very different, and they are really clear at a glance.
Mi Li's mother is distressed that pregnancy and childbirth are originally a matter of two people, but why is the pressure on the woman? Even these women themselves feel sorry for others and inferior.
May every child come into this world because of love. As Xiaobai said, having a child is not a must for him, because his wife wants it very much, so he will always accompany her to fulfill her wishes.
Those who know how to love and tolerate, who know how to be responsible and never give up, will definitely be a good father. When a man regards women as a tool for inheritance, he actually does not have the humanistic spirit of a father, he only loves himself.
Personal profile: @米粒妈频道 (welcome to follow), Mi Li's mother, American returnee, Haidian parent, the author of "Parent-Child English Books That Affect Children's Lives" ranked first on the Dangdang New Book List. Focus on learning dry goods, education experience sharing, education and further education for children aged 5-12, English, mathematics, science enlightenment, and the world's novelty and good things to recommend, welcome to pay attention! (0~5 years old mother, please pay attention: @米粒妈爱分享)