Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
I have never understood that the parent-child relationship between parents and children is the most beautiful relationship in the world, and it is also the hope and sustenance of a family
It wasn't until I got through this that I suddenly understood
Cai Cai, a single mother, is 37 years old this year, and she is pulling her daughter to grow up alone, and her only wish is to train her daughter
And on this road, she also gave a lot
Spending money to let my daughter go to the best local school, arranging one-on-one tutoring and tutoring, as long as it is the talent that my daughter wants to learn and the things she is interested in, I don't say a word about support
When I was 5 years old, I saw a little girl in my neighborhood dancing gracefully in a tutu
She came home and shouted, "Mommy, Mommy, I want to learn ballet."
Looking at her chubby pear-shaped daughter, Cai Cai, as a mother, did not hesitate to take out the money that she was usually reluctant to buy clothes to sign up for the ballet class
As a result, after a few days of freshness, and it was a little late to learn ballet at the age of 5, under the obvious gap in the class, the dream of learning ballet finally came to an end
When I was 8 years old, I saw that girls who could taekwondo were very cool, and when I got home, I told my mother about the idea
Mom thought to herself: "It's not bad if I can learn taekwondo, at least it's a self-defense technique"
But as a result, although taekwondo is cool, the process of practicing is extremely hard
From childhood to adulthood, where have the girls who have suffered this kind of hardship, the fear of difficulties that arises before they start formal learning, despite how the mother encourages and persuades, the child says that if he doesn't learn, he won't learn, and there is no room for negotiation at all
By the age of 16, the girl had a soft spot for the guitar again
But when the mother found out about this, she did not give the child a chance to continue, and she said to the girl with a strong attitude:
"Don't think about it, I won't buy you a guitar, and I won't buy you a lesson to study, just your three days of fishing and two days of drying nets, I would have given up on you a long time ago and didn't believe you"
Unexpectedly, it was precisely this sentence that completely angered the girl, and she began to yell at her mother: "Hmph, if you don't buy it, you don't buy it, you remember, how to treat me now, how I will treat you in the future, wait for what you want in the future, don't expect me to buy it for you"
It was such a passage that made my mother completely cold, she repeatedly promised: "Don't worry, even if I starve to death, I won't look for you, all these years I have eaten and drunk for you, even a stone should be warmed, just like you are now, I don't have any hope"
Listening to such a sharp dialogue, on the surface, it seems that a mother has educated a "spoiled" child
But in fact, the-for-tat situation between the child and the mother can see the end from the tone of blame at the beginning and the disappointment between the lines
As my mother said: "give up on you", "don't believe in you", "don't hold out any hope", every sentence here is extremely lethal
erodes the hearts of the children and oppresses them, causing the children to finally resist and be dissatisfied, and also use "cruel words" to anger the mother
Therefore, don't give up on your child at any time, let alone try to motivate with cruel words, our child is not "not hot", it is very likely that the method is not right
As in the following cases, the more aggressive the parent, the easier it is for the child to rebel:
01
Learning
Don't rush too much
Children do not learn well, many times it is not that they do not have the talent to learn, but the parents' hasty persecution, which makes the child disgusted and avoided
The eldest daughter of Sister Liu, a relative, is in the first grade
In the first half of the semester, she had less literacy, poor handwriting, and the problem of not being able to write homework, and in the second half of the semester, she worked harder to pay attention to her children's academic performance
Every day after returning home from school, I began to urge before I entered the house: "Hurry up and write your homework when you go home, and after writing your homework, you still have to practice calligraphy and calculation problems to do"
As a result, the first thing my daughter did when she got home was to throw her schoolbag on the sofa, and it was a coincidence that she had to lie on the coffee table in the living room when she did her homework
The reason, of course, is that there is a two-year-old sister at home who likes to watch cartoons
Every time she saw this, Sister Liu criticized her eldest daughter severely and rushed to the bedroom to do her homework
But the result is: "The more you urge, the more the child will do it against you", the study desk and chair in the bedroom seem to have a deep hatred with the child, and the whole body begins to be irritable as soon as it is approached
Later, Sister Liu was so angry that she almost beat her eldest daughter ruthlessly
And the child also expressed her inner dissatisfaction, she said: "Why doesn't my sister say anything, you have to criticize me for everything"
Although this was also explained, saying that the younger sister was still young and not yet ready to learn knowledge, the child's heart always thought that it was partial
In order to resist, he also did a lot of things that he did against learning
This is the result of being in a hurry when it comes to learning
Compared with how much the child learns every day, Lan Ma believes that we need to pay more attention to how much the child wants to learn every day
Especially in families with more than two children, no matter how old the age difference between the children is, it is best for the eldest to study when the eldest is doing homework
If there is one child in the family, then the parents will act as "another child".
Parents don't necessarily have to learn much, as long as they create a learning atmosphere together, then the child's enthusiasm for learning will naturally come
02
Growth
Don't force your child to be sensible
The more sensible people are, they are often cowardly and lonely in their hearts, even if they are beautiful outside, they are the ones with the lowest self-esteem when they return home
This year is the fifth year of my cousin and cousin-in-law's secret marriage
Not for anything else, just for the "unconscious" mother at home
It is said that the cousin-in-law's first marriage was accelerated by the old man's continuous assistance
Because every time he is unsatisfactory, the old man likes to scare people with "unfilial piety" and "white-eyed wolf".
In addition, the elderly have more underlying diseases, and in order to prevent the family from becoming chickens and dogs, what the cousin-in-law can do is to hide in the company and not go home
As a result, escapism hastened the breakdown of marriages
Later, after meeting his cousin, in order to protect his cousin from family troubles, the two of them decided to marry in secret
The identity of my cousin who moved into that big family is also a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship who is in love, but it is precisely this relationship that allows the family to stand in the perspective of a bystander and avoid embarrassment no matter what happens
But later, at a simple family dinner, my cousin-in-law came in a hurry, and the image of the big boss in a suit and leather shoes looked like a successful person
At the beginning, everyone still felt cramped, worried that they would be embarrassed to eat together because of their different identities
It wasn't until my cousin-in-law talked about his mother that I was talking about housework and described it with words like "I felt so tired and annoyed that I didn't know what to do" that I could see that this was a poor person
Don't talk about the past, don't talk about the future, maybe in terms of education, we all hope to cultivate a sensible and considerate child, but these are all based on the child's pain and childhood shadow
No matter how sensible the child is at the moment, sooner or later he will explode because he "can't feel love", either rebelling against dissatisfaction or hurting himself with low self-esteem
Therefore, when children are rebellious and talk back, don't blame them for being indifferent and unfilial, "covering it is not hot" does not mean that they are white-eyed wolves, but the scars in their hearts that they can't let go, and they don't know how to face their current feelings
If you don't want your child to suffer like this in the future, don't use "sensible" to coerce your child into doing things they don't want to do
03
Personality aspect
Please allow the child to be weak
Behind every relationship that is tiring to get along with, one partner is often too strong and the other party is too weak
It's the same between parents and children
has a friend who has a successful career, and he has a relatively poor relationship with his mother
People who don't know think that he is the legendary "white-eyed wolf", and the old mother worked hard to train him, and when he has a chance, he becomes arrogant, and does not take his parents and relatives seriously
In fact, behind the glamorous beauty of his friend, he bears an unknown childhood shadow
I also heard about the past experience, and I realized how "ruthless" his mother was to him
Since I was in elementary school, I have never prepared breakfast, even if it rains and rains, and it is freezing when I walk and fall, I have not picked up or dropped off once
Once, when the snow closed the mountain, in the era when there was no notice from the parent group, everyone did not know whether classes would be suspended, and they had to decide whether to go to school according to their own situation
Looking at the endless snow, and then at the footprints on the ground that were several feet deep, my friend told my mother, "Maybe no one will go to school today"
But in order not to delay the study, my mother scolded her harshly, and warned: "No matter how hard the snow falls, even if you climb, you have to climb to school."
There was no way, my friend had to obediently pick up his schoolbag and rush to school, but as soon as he left the house, he fell on the path at the door
At that time, I couldn't remember how many falls I had, but I knew that my mother kept urging behind me: "Hurry up, I'll be late for a while"
From beginning to end, my mother just watched, never helped her, and asked "did it hurt to fall" with concern
Later, after studying in college, in addition to tuition fees, I directly cut off the financial support of life
The statement given is also: "Now that you are grown up, you can work and study, and I am also here to train you, I hope you can be strong enough to take on your life as soon as possible"
As a result, the mother's original intention may be to cultivate her friends to be stronger and responsible, but the so-called frustration and experience created by stripping away family affection too early is really pushing the child into the abyss of lack of love
And how can a lonely person who has never experienced love know how to love others and love himself?
Therefore, most of the children who grow up with emotional indifference suffer from the "vulnerability" of not being loved in childhood
For example, don't let you cry when you are wronged, be criticized when you need comfort, and be hit when you crave recognition...
If you don't want your child to be defeated by "yourself" before they grow up, then parents must not force their children to be strong in terms of character, and encourage them to move forward with love and support when they are weak, which is an indispensable inner nutrient in the process of children becoming stronger
04
Habitual aspect
Accompany your child to comply
We all want our children to develop a good habit, which is a good start in life
But on the road of education, the most common mistake for parents is to expect their children to be self-conscious
There is a mother who once recorded the whole process of her daughter's homework by taking a video
When I took out my homework from my school bag, it seemed that I was preparing to write my homework, but in fact, I was looking for a pen for a while, looking for a notebook for a while, moving my chair for a while, being in a daze, and even doing a lot of small movements empty-handed
In the full 20 minutes, there are only three or five minutes of time that is really spent on homework, and there are only a dozen words in the homework book
Seeing this, I believe that many parents can see their children through the text
And the fact is indeed that it shows the "common disease" of countless children: poor self-discipline and low autonomy
Once, when Lan's eldest daughter was in the first grade, in order to help her develop good habits, I was like a repeater to get up on time, urge her to study, and urge her homework every day
Later, she complained: "Mom, you are in too much control, the more you urge, the more annoying I feel in my heart, and the more I don't want to move"
For a while, I also felt that I was managing too much and exerting too much pressure, so I let my daughter go
But the result is that the habit of going to bed early and getting up early, which she has finally developed, has fallen short, and her daughter has become more and more lazy and slack
Later, I learned a "new routine" of parenting: "turn my daughter's learning into her own learning"
For example, when I buy new teaching materials for my daughter, I will tell her: "This is what my mother bought and plans to use for her own study, don't mess around."
My daughter was very curious and surprised, and she asked me in some disbelief, "Aren't you an adult?
I replied solemnly, "Of course, you have studied so hard all the time, and if I don't work harder, the distance between me and you will not get farther and farther."
Since then, my daughter's attitude towards learning has become much more positive, especially when she sees me studying with books, and her thirst for knowledge has become stronger and stronger
Therefore, self-discipline is not innate, it is only a habit that is slowly developed in interest
If you let your child feel that learning is a fun thing to grow together, then in a relatively relaxed state, the child will slowly turn his behavior into an ability
Parents should be excellent before they want their children to be excellent, which is the best attitude to lead by example and the most effective way to change their children
So, about the child is not "not hot", but the parents' methods are useless on this matter, what other different suggestions and opinions do you have? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!