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【Interpersonal Society, Perceptions and Evaluations】
Author: Bella
1 Other people's perceptions
I would like to ask you a question: do you care what other people think?
I think many people's first reaction to this question may be "I don't care". Because there are many inspirational voices in this world telling us not to care about other people's evaluations, but to live according to our own ideas, and because people who have been troubled by other people's opinions and evaluations will yearn to live a brave and free life that is free and easy, and does their own thing.
But what if we zoom in and down to everyday situations?
For example, if you are a graduate student on a full scholarship, you have written a paper seriously and you feel very satisfied, but a well-known professor will tell you that the paper is completely worthless, and you have no academic talent at all.
For example, you have a very good friend who you talk about and who you often confide in about your failures and weaknesses, and who always comforts and encourages you. But one day you heard from others that this friend often told others how incompetent, how selfish, how incompetent, how selfish you are, how you can't do anything, and always ask others for emotional value.
For example, you are a short video blogger and have a lot of fans, many of whom have followed you since you first started making short videos, they recognized your talent, cheered you up, and accompanied you through the confused and unconfident days when you first started making short videos. But recently, these old fans have taken off one after another, leaving words to say that the video is getting more and more watery, and you are getting less and less level.
In these cases, everyone's mood fluctuates. You will be shocked, sad, frustrated, and you will deny and question yourself.
It can be seen that our "care" is not completely controlled by subjective consciousness. In fact, caring about what others think is a completely natural, normal reaction.
People are social and cannot be free from the influence of others. It's like going out in winter to care if it's cold or not, and going out on a cloudy day to care about whether it will rain, this kind of "care" doesn't mean that I won't go out when it's cold or rainy, but that I put on thick clothes and take an umbrella before going out. In the same way, we care about what others think in order to make it easier for us to adjust our own behavior.
Caring is not only normal, but it should be. Think about it, if everyone doesn't care about other people's opinions, doesn't care about the moral evaluation of society, but does whatever they want to do with their own temperament, wouldn't it be terrible?
Therefore, the crux of the matter is not whether we should care about other people's opinions, but what kind of attitude and response should we adopt towards other people's opinions? How can we correct and improve our lives through other people's opinions, and at the same time, we can not rely too much on other people's opinions and prevent our lives from being influenced by other people's views?
Why do we need to make this clear first? Because we need to let go of our emotions before we can face the real problem objectively and rationally. Only by not being ashamed of this, and not defining yourself as "sensitive" or "vulnerable" because you care about other people's opinions, can you enter a relaxed and safe environment, understand your feelings and behaviors without evaluation or qualitative thinking, and then find solutions that work for you.
2 His attitude does not depend on your actions
How should we respond when we are criticized, denied, or neglected, ridiculed, or belittled by others?
Here, I would like to share with you a very important point that one person's attitude and opinion towards another person do not depend to a large extent on the behavior of the latter, but on the thoughts, emotions, and will of the former.
Here are two examples:
For example, if a four- or five-year-old child accidentally breaks a glass, different parents will react differently. Some parents will scold loudly, saying, "Why are you so careless?" How many times have you said it, you just can't remember! Some parents will immediately rush to the child to see if the child is injured. Some parents will clean up the glass shards with their children and guide them to think about why the glass is broken and whether there is any way to prevent the quilt from being broken. You see, different people will have different attitudes towards such a pure accident that is not good or bad.
For example, if you have a family member who has a big temper and is always scolding, different people will react differently. Some people will be furious and fight back with harsher words. Some people will understand each other's emotions, but firmly tell each other that scolding is absolutely wrong and absolutely unacceptable. Some people will complain to their friends that their family members are corrupt and morally corrupt, and that they are really unlucky to live with him. You see, different people react differently to something that is done wrong.
I want to share this point to tell you that emotions and attitudes are actually very subjective, and this subjectivity is reflected in specific behaviors, that is, a person's tone, demeanor, choice of words, and way of expression are all expressing their thoughts and emotions, so no matter how close this person is to you, no matter how authoritative this person is, don't think that you are what the other person says.
No, we can still think about whether the other person's words make sense, or whether we can get effective information and help without accepting the other person's emotions.
Here, we can look at a story together: there is a young female chemist named Barbett, and the owner of her laboratory, Gordon, is a big name in the industry, but she has a bad temper.
Once, when Babette went to his boss to discuss the paper handed to him the day before, Gordon came up and said with a bad face: "Your paper is pure rubbish, I have already thrown it in the trash." ”
Faced with such a statement that people can't get off the stage, Barbett replied like this: "You say that my paper is rubbish, but no, I really can't write well." Every time I read your paper, I always wonder how you can write so clearly, which is why I want to work with you. I was so excited when you offered me this position last fall. The result of our research is very important, and if I can write this paper well, it could have a huge impact. Now that the thesis is like this, can you give me some advice? I want to learn from you how to write the thesis well. ”
After hearing this, Gordon immediately took the paper out of the trash can and helped Babette revise it together.
3 Courageous optimism
You may say that this reaction is amazing, but I really can't do it! I can't be so calm, so calm.
In fact, sharing this story is not meant to encourage everyone to learn the responses in the story, because everyone's temperament and acceptance level are different.
The focus of learning is Barbett's spirit that is not defined by others.
Clearly, she accepted Gordon's criticism of her article, but did not believe that her academic abilities would always be able to improve. In other words, it is precisely because she allows herself to fail now and has the confidence that she will win in future scientific research that she will not be disturbed by the attitude of her boss, but focus on what she wants and can get.
With this spirit, even if Gordon refused to help her, she would have a way to continue her research.
In fact, a person can be immune to the words of others, not because he does not care about others, but because he has an unshakable determination. With this kind of determination, I don't care if you say I'm bad, and I don't care if you say I'm good, but I'm not proud. For his future is not in the judgment of others, but in his own hope.
This kind of hope can turn disadvantage into advantage, and allow people to see the road obscured by dust in the seemingly impossible predicament.
Let what you want to do, and don't let other people's evaluations be your guide.
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[Since you're here, don't go.] Focus on "The Vow" and let's meet again in the next topic. 】