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Shen Jiahong
What should I do if my child is not motivated to learn?
2024.4.25（19:30）
Guide
Psychology believes that the impact of events experienced by an individual before he or she becomes an adult is much greater than the impact of events that he experiences as an adult.
Therefore, if we find the early life factors that affect the growth of the individual, as parents, we can serve the growth of our children by controlling these factors, perhaps we can avoid some misfortunes, and we can also break through some limitations, so that we can maximize the life potential of ourselves, our families, especially our children, and get more success, joy and happiness.
In the more than 30 years of work of psychiatrist Shen Jiahong, the children who come to him for consultation are basically divided into four types of questions:
❍ Excessive Internet access;
❍ Lack of motivation to learn;
❍ Anxiety, such as exam stress, perfectionism;
❍ 抑郁。
In this issue, Shen Jiahong will first share with us the basic reasons for the formation of these four types of problems, as well as the causes and coping methods of children's anxiety and depression problems.
——cinian——
Shen Jiahong
Founder of Shen Jiahong Psychology
Deputy Chief Physician of the Department of Psychiatry
Master's tutor of Guangzhou University of Chinese Medicine
Author of "The Family of Origin: Family Dynamics That Affect a Person's Life"
Can't Stop: Psychological Addiction
"I Want to Love the World - Depression Healing Handbook"
01
To understand a person, you need to look at three generations
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Mao Shi: Your work is family therapy, individual therapy, and couples therapy, can you share your experience with these treatments?
Shen Jiahong: I studied clinical medicine, and later became a psychiatrist, and I have come into contact with many adults and children in the clinical process. I found that some mental illnesses are not so simple, in the past, I would think that they were biological factors, for example, we would find the cause from the physiological and biochemical neurotransmitters of the brain, and take medicine to treat the symptoms according to the physiological and biochemical factors of the brain.
Drugs are symptomatic treatment, not cause-based treatment, so mental illness is prone to recurrence.
❍ First, we have not found the real cause of mental illness until now;
❍ Second, there is no drug to treat the cause.
Therefore, the treatment of mental illness is a difficult problem all over the world. Since the drug can't solve it, you can try to solve it psychologically.
Family factors have a greater impact on a person, and generally parents bring their children to me for medical treatment and consultation. This family is the regenerative family of the parents, and it is the original family of the children. Parents bring the problems of their original family to the reborn family, and the relationship between husband and wife, parents and children is intertwined.
For example, in a family, it is basically a child's problem, and we have to think slowly, where is the child's problem?
Starting from the home system, we have two systems:
Native family system
From birth to the age of 18, we are basically in the family of origin, and what is the impact of this experience on a person is a more concerned issue for family therapy.
Regenerative home systems
Families in psychology usually include three generations of family members:
❍ Ourselves and our brothers and sisters;
❍ Our parents and our parents' siblings;
❍ Grandparents and maternal grandparents.
The reason for this division is based on the consideration that they have an important impact on our lives. Therefore, when we want to look at our lives and grow psychologically, we have to look at these family members, because their state of existence has a causal influence and connection with our state of life.
To understand ourselves, we must first look at our relationship with our siblings, with our parents and their siblings, with our grandparents and grandparents, and with these three generations of family members from birth to the present, all of which will affect our physical and mental development.
02
The parenting style of parents determines the future of their children
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Mao Shi: Generally, when you encounter a family of a child who is tired of school, from which angle will you work with this family?
Shen Jiahong: Generally, we start with children's problems, for example, there are basically four types of children's problems now:
❍ Anxiety, such as exam stress, perfectionism;
❍ 抑郁;
❍ Excessive Internet access;
❍ Lack of motivation to learn.
The reasons for the formation of these four types of problems are basically because:
First, parents have an image of a good child in their hearts, forcibly
Ask the child to have a good result
In particular, our Chinese family has to carry a lot of things, such as children should be filial to their parents, be responsible for their parents' old age when they grow up, and provide for the elderly, which is our traditional culture.
Second, the concept of patriarchy
In the past, we thought that patriarchy all affected girls and had little impact on boys, but in fact, it had an equally great impact on boys.
"Male favor" is pressure, boys must fulfill their parents' expectations, so they must be excellent, not ordinary people, and fight for their parents.
This is why the Chinese worship the champion and the emperor, only the first can find meaning. So we have to take the top few exams in school, and there is pressure in the middle and back, and the excellent complex is the pressure given to men.
But under the pressure of "patriarchy", the boy is not excellent at best, but he is accepted by his parents, and there is no problem with his self-identity. "Daughterless" is a denial of identity as a girl.
In patriarchy, a man can find a sense of existence if he cannot find a sense of worth, but a girl cannot even find a sense of existence, let alone a sense of value.
A girl in a patriarchal environment, what does she use to find a sense of existence?
By proving that you are excellent, you are no worse than a boy. But once it is proved, the ego is gone, it is not self-actualization, but self-proof. So many girls spend their lives proving that they are better than boys, and if such a woman is not aware of this part of herself or does not reconcile, her life is a life of self-proof.
Third, it has to do with the parenting style of the parents
Type 1: Authoritarian parents
Our Chinese culture is dominated by Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism, and these cultures are all hierarchical cultures, in which the power of parents is relatively high, especially the power of fathers.
So under this unequal power, the way parents educate their children is basically authoritarian - you have to listen to me, you have to do it according to my methods. In this case, the child has no ego and no space to find himself.
Category 2: Doting parents
Fathers tend to be authoritarian, mothers tend to dote, especially for boys, mothers tend to be very demanding of girls, and there are often two contradictions for boys:
❍ More doting in life;
❍ Academically demanding.
Especially the doting parent, he meets all the needs of the child, this kind of child is self-centered and unwilling to follow the rules, so the children who are tired of school and refuse to go to school are basically more doting children.
For example, his parents meet all his needs, and when he arrives at school, he hopes that his classmates and teachers can also meet him, which is obviously impossible, so he feels that others are not good. Children don't follow the rules in the family, and in school there are many rules, they don't find it fun, so they retreat to the family.
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Category 3: Neglectful parents
Parents are busy, especially left-behind children, who go to work in other places and leave their children to their grandparents without companionship. There are also some young people who pursue their own happiness and are unwilling to take responsibility for their children's education, and even some mothers are unwilling to breastfeed their children themselves and hand over their children to the elderly, which is neglect.
The above three parenting styles will bring problem children.
The fourth category: democratic and authoritative parenting
Now it has been proved in psychology and pedagogy that democratic and authoritative education methods are the most helpful for children's healthy growth.
The democratic and authoritative parenting style is to have requirements and rules for the child, and at the same time can give the child warmth, care and democracy.
03
Ma Bao Nan, how was it formed?
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Mao Shi: What are the possible reasons for these four types?
Shen Jiahong: Our Chinese culture emphasizes togetherness and does not emphasize separation, and many situations are related to the fact that children cannot be separated from their parents.
Why can't parents be separated from their children?
The impact of the relationship between husband and wife on children is very important, and many children's behavioral problems are ultimately settled on the relationship between parents and husband and wife. Because both parents are involved in the upbringing of children, and if the father or mother is missing, it is difficult for the child to grow up well.
From a psychological point of view, the relationship between a child and his mother is the earliest relationship, staying in the mother's womb for nearly 10 months, and the first three years of life are basically more in the mother's arms, so each of us has the closest relationship with the mother.
This is a problem, without the father's involvement, the child will not be able to leave the influence of the mother, and many people will become mothers.
So fathers want to intervene, but our culture doesn't advocate or even encourage fathers to intervene.
Our culture is that men are outside the outside and women are inside, men go outside to work hard and earn money, and it is the duty of men to have status, power, and wealth. Once a man has this position, his role in raising children will be diluted, and even he will feel that raising children is not my business, it is my wife's business, and the child will not be able to leave the influence of his mother.
What is the importance of father's influence?
The father represents the power of society, if the father does not intervene in the child's education, the child does not have enough social power, and there is no way to go from the family to the school, from the school to the workplace, or even to enter the marriage.
If a person lacks the influence of his father, his inner social strength is not enough, his outward strength is not enough, and even the power of success, the power of leadership, and the power of inner security are insufficient, so the father is too important.
Regarding the importance of motherhood, motherhood is the ability to provide children with love, the ability to manage intimate relationships, and the ability to manage love. If a child has a bad relationship with his mother, the child's ability to manage love and emotions is limited.
Some children have no friends, can't socialize with classmates, and even often fail to fall in love, and it is easy to have problems when they enter a marriage, which is largely due to the ability to manage intimate relationships, love others, and love themselves.
Therefore, it is very important for parents to participate in their children's education, and some people have bad interpersonal relationships and think that I have to learn communication skills and getting along skills, and those are just methods.
The quality of our relationships depends on our relationship with our parents.
Because mom is a woman and dad is a man, our relationship with mom affects our relationship with all women, and our relationship with dad affects our relationship with all men. Many parents say that my child does not have a good relationship with teachers and classmates at school, what should I do?
I asked, "What is your relationship with your child?" and it turns out that the relationship between the child and the parents is conflicting and hostile. A child has a bad relationship with his parents, and it is difficult for him to have the ability to deal with his classmates and teachers. Therefore, parents must first have a good relationship with their children, so that children can have the ability to deal with relationships outside.
Mao Shi: You said that the relationship between husband and wife is not good, and it has a great impact on children, but now there are many divorced and remarried families, how can you let your children be affected as little as possible in this relationship?
Shen Jiahong: From the perspective of marriage law, divorce is both legal and moral, it is not a problem, the important thing is how we can minimize the impact of divorce on children, there is no possibility of a little impact, because the marriage relationship is broken, the impact on children is a matter of more and less, not a question of yes or no.
Children have two homes, one for father, mother, and children, and one for husband, wife, and children.
| Two homes for children | |
| The first home | Dad, mom, kids |
| A second home | Husband, wife, children |
If the divorce is only the dissolution of the husband, wife, and children's home, but the father, mother, and children's home is still retained, this can reduce the least impact on the children in the divorced family.
Mao Shishi: That's a great statement.
04
Anxiety stems from an inner insecurity
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Mao Shi: There are many children with anxiety and depression problems now, what do you think about these problems?
Shen Jiahong: The core of anxiety is insecurity, anxiety is a psychological term, and our daily term is worry. If a child is safe, there will basically not be so much worry and anxiety.
Where does a child's sense of security come from?
First, a child's sense of security in the early years comes from the marriage relationship of the parents.
If his parents' marital relationship is not stable and they are often noisy, it will be difficult for him to feel secure.
Second, can children feel the unconditional love of their parents?
If the child feels that his love from his parents is conditional, he will buy you something if he gets good grades today, such as eating KFC and McDonald's, and everything will satisfy him, but once he does not do well in the test, he will not be satisfied with anything, and his parents will change their faces. So the child will feel that he is not safe with his parents, he has no confidence in the love of his parents, he is insecure.
The pursuit of perfection is also a sign of a lack of security, and he will feel that only perfection can get love from his parents and be valuable.
How can parents create a safe zone for their children?
If parents handle the relationship between husband and wife well, trust their children, and give their children stable and unconditional love, the children will be able to gain enough security and may stay away from anxiety.
Mao Psalm: If children have this kind of anxiety, how can they see it? Is there any special sign that parents should be vigilant?
Shen Jiahong: There are three major manifestations of anxiety:
❍ First, physical performance. For example, some children will be out of breath and flustered, and some children will keep urinating during exams, their palms will be sweaty, and they will tremble in severe cases. Some children present with dizziness, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, etc.
❍ Second, subjective fear. Afraid of teachers, classmates, going out, afraid of the dark, afraid of exams, etc.
❍ Third, impaired social functioning. It is manifested as daily life, social interaction, and academic performance.
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Mao poems: Children are afraid of everything, or social functions are affected, they dare not talk to their classmates, and their relationships and studies are affected.
Shen Jiahong: Yes, some parents, their children are anxious, they are more anxious than their children, how can you help their children?
Therefore, we must be calm in the face of children's anxiety and not anxious about children's anxiety.
There are also parents who want to give their children more unconditional love, it doesn't matter if they do well or badly, they must separate their behavior from people, there is right and wrong in behavior, there is no right or wrong in people, no matter what children do right or wrong, we all love our children, this is called unconditional love.
If you make a mistake and correct it, you can take responsibility, and such children are not afraid of making mistakes, so they will rarely be anxious. Therefore, children are often afraid that their parents do not love him as a person, and they are afraid of making mistakes, so they turn into anxiety.
05
Depression stems from denial
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
Shen Jiahong: What is the reason behind depression?
There are three very typical manifestations of depression: unlovable, worthless, and incapacitated.
These parts all go back to the early years.
Depressed children grow up with too much negation from their parents. Often this is not good, that is not good, the grades are not good, the character is not good, the body is not good, all aspects are negative. So the core of depression is negation.
How to intervene in depression?
Stop denying. For example, parents often say, "The weather is good today, you have to go out and do more, you eat so little every day, you have to eat a little more." "We think it's a concern for the child, a love for the child, but in fact it's all a negation, and all the demands are followed by a denial, because you think he didn't do a good job.
So my advice to parents of depressed children is just that – zero requirements.
Parents can care more, such as how they slept last night and how they have been feeling recently, this is care.
Mao Psalm: But it shouldn't be said that you should sleep more, you should be happy.
Shen Jiahong: Yes, that's the requirement. Many times we turn requirements into concern, and concern is without requirements, and behind all requests is negation.
There are two situations here, for example, parents often like to use error correction to let their children do the right thing, but in the process of correcting mistakes, do parents have feelings of disgust, hostility, and disgust? If parents carry these emotions, it will be very destructive to children, and children may develop in the direction of depression.
If the parents say that the advice is with love and warmth, and the parents still feel that the child is good, this will not bring too much negative impact to the child, and the child will still regard the parent's denial or even request as love.
epilogue
𗣴ࢬ塿: Lee kyutae
It is important for parents to be involved in their children's education.
Children have two homes, one home for father, mother, and children, and one home for husband, wife, and children. Divorce only ends the home of the husband, wife, and children, and the home of the father, mother, and children is still retained, which can reduce the impact on the children in the divorced family.
Anxiety stems from the child's fear that his parents don't love him as a person and that he is afraid of making mistakes.
When dealing with depressed children, we must first stop denying.
In the next issue, we will continue to share the reasons for the formation of excessive Internet access and insufficient motivation to learn and how to deal with them.
- END -
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