The parent-child relationship is perhaps the most difficult relationship in the world.
Big stars are no exception.
Recently, "It's a Mother is a Daughter" has been on the air, and several pairs of celebrity mothers and daughters have taken turns on the hot search, and what touched me the most was this scene.
When the program team asked, "Have you ever been beaten when you were a child?"
Tao Xinran couldn't help but shed tears in the camera.
In her career, she became popular all over the country with the role of "An Lingrong", and in life, she started a family and was already a mother.
However, looking back on her childhood, 40-year-old Tao Xinran seems to be a helpless little girl.
I have to admit that no matter how old we are and how glamorous we are, many people still can't get rid of the shadow of their original family.
Where does this pain come from, and how can it be healed? From these kinds of family relationships, we may be able to get the answer.
"What is there to be proud of with this little achievement?"
If you see how Tao Xinran's mother Tao Yuedi took her granddaughter, you can feel how difficult it is for Tao Xinran to grow up.
In order to reward their granddaughter He Tao, the family took her to the supermarket to pick up gifts. The child will want to build blocks for a while, and then he will be attracted to the things he draws.
Tao Yuedi looked left and right, picked up an exercise book and lobbied her granddaughter, saying that this is quite interesting.
The subtext is obvious, "Learning is the right thing to do." ”
This is actually a typical move, and some parents can always link learning and various entertainment.
He Tao was a child, of course, unmoved, and said that he wanted to buy a doll, and his grandmother made the first move:
"There are too many dolls at home, don't buy them!"
Grandma began to play a second trick again, urging her granddaughter to go home, saying that she was going to cook.
In Tao Yuedi's eyes, these are things that have nothing to do with becoming excellent. In the past, she also treated her daughter like this.
When she was in elementary school, once, Tao Xinran went home with a 98-point report card, thinking that she would receive praise, but she was severely beaten and forbidden to cry.
The reason is, "How did you lose those two points?"
In the eyes of a mother who is a teacher, her daughter cannot but be "perfect".
When Tao Xinran recalled this period of the past, she tried her best to control the expression on her face, wanting to show the decency and relief of an adult, but the tears in her eyes betrayed her.
Watching her adult daughter reminisce about her pain, Tao Xinran's mother's tough psychology was finally pried open a little crack:
Admitting that he treated his daughter this way, partly because of his own vanity, because the teacher's children should be at the top of the class.
But like all critical parents, Tao Xinran's mother doesn't feel that she is wrong, and thinks that her daughter's ability to have today is the result of her strict discipline.
How typical!
The child is waiting for the parents to apologize, but the parents are expecting a thank you from the child.
Critical parents never admit their mistakes, because admitting that "I was wrong" is a huge denial of themselves.
In order to avoid "I was wrong", so as to habitually blame others.
And children who grow up in such a family environment, although they will feel disgusted and depressed, they will unconsciously raise a "critic" inside.
Either you are perfectly harsh on yourself, or you are unconsciously critical of others.
Tao Xinran, who has always resisted his mother, despite his efforts to change, will still have the shadow of his mother on his body.
She is strong and does not dare to relax, and in terms of self-identity, she must have spent a very hard time in order to achieve today's achievements.
As one netizen concluded:
Growing up in a family atmosphere of criticism and accusation, clever children will lie, brave children will run away, smart children will be depressed, and stupid children will live ordinary in pain.
"You were born to me, what's wrong with you?"
What was the shadow of your childhood? I heard a friend share a small incident from my childhood.
Xiao A said that he was a picky eater since he was a child, and when he was eight or nine years old, he hated eating fatty meat the most, and every time there was a little fatty meat on the dinner table, he would avoid it.
Her mother was annoyed by this.
One day, Xiao A came home from school and found that there were dumplings at home, and he took a big bite, but he tasted that there was fat in it, and he ran directly to the bathroom to vomit.
Seeing her daughter's reaction, her mother's expression at that time was a little proud, and she felt that she had succeeded in her plan.
even made fat meat and forced her to eat it.
Recalling this story, Xiao A still feels nauseous as if she was conditioned, and the taste of fat melting in her mouth has remained in her heart for many years.
"I don't really understand, I just don't eat fat, why do you have to force me to do things I don't like?"
When she became an adult, she asked her mother, but the answer was, "I have forgotten such a small thing."
Something more powerless than a refutation, no response.
Forgetting has become an excuse for many parents to avoid blame.
Little A's mother is actually a typical "helicopter-style" parent.
Hover over your children at any time, and use the "for your good" method to force their lives.
From childhood to adulthood, what Xiao A eats, what he wears, what time he goes home, who he goes out with, and even going to school and falling in love, all of them are under the "monitoring" of his mother.
In the eyes of outsiders, she is a little princess in the greenhouse, and only she knows how tired it is to respond to her parents' requests all the time.
It wasn't until she got married and stayed away from her original family that she got the opportunity to be "independent".
In fact, controlling parents are often anxious and restless.
"What should I do if my child grows crooked?"
"If you don't listen to me, you will definitely suffer in the future"
They are afraid that their children will leave them, they are afraid of everything that is out of their control, so they can only keep grasping everything that can give them a sense of security, including their children.
For this reason, they will subconsciously try to maintain their children's "powerlessness", so children growing up in such a family:
Some people will become habitually pleasing and become timid and suffer from gains and losses, and are unable to face the real reality.
There is another part that learns parental control and transfers that anger on others.
The controlling parent is strong and direct, while there is another type of parent whose control is "invisible", such as "sacrifice".
"I've worked so hard, it's all for you"
A few days ago, a video of a father educating his children was on the hot search.
The 9-year-old boy played games and recharged thousands of yuan, which should be educated, but the father in the video acted amazingly.
"My son is not a godfather's fault, my son recharged more than 6,000 yuan in ten minutes of playing a game, I will send him to the police station today, and I will slap myself ten times today. ”
After saying this, the father slapped himself several times, and his face suddenly turned red.
The son on the side was frightened and stopped his father while crying.
Obviously, such a "punishment" brought a lot of spiritual shock to the child, in the next video, the father asked his son "Do you still play games?", and the son quickly shook his head.
Many people praised my father's good intentions in the comment area, but I saw the power of "sacrificial" and "guilty" education in the boy's frightened eyes.
The father's actions sent a message to the child, "Look, how much pain I have, it's all because of you." ”
On the surface, it seems to be well-intentioned, but in fact, it is used to complain, show weakness and even abuse to emotionally kidnap the child and make the child feel guilty, so as to achieve the purpose of making the child obedient.
Such an "extreme behavior" will bring a huge psychological shadow to the child, and this shame will even accompany him for life.
What was it like to grow up with sacrificial parenting?
"My mother kept the leftovers for herself every time, and she didn't listen to what she said a few times, and now sitting and eating together is like a punishment";
"When my parents' relationship broke down, I always supported my mother's divorce, but she always said that it was for me to have a complete home, and I knew that it was not my fault, and sometimes I still felt that I was a sinner";
"I've been working for a few years, and I still feel guilty when I think of my parents still saving money and going out to play. Obviously, the family is not poor, but the sense of worthiness is still very low."
Don't dare to hate, because you enjoy the "love" given by your parents, and you can't love, because this sacrifice is heavy, and it reminds you that you need to reciprocate.
This intractable internal conflict will turn into an attack on myself, "all of my fault".
Even as an adult, it is customary not to be happy, because it means a "betrayal" of hard parents.
The philosopher Russell once said in The Road to Happiness:
"Parents should not do as much as possible for their children, all self-sacrificing parents are often extremely selfish to their children, will control their children emotionally, excessive concern is often a disguise of possessiveness. ”
Parents and children in sacrificial families are unhappy.
Criticism, control, sacrifice, we analyze several toxic family relationships, not just to accuse parents, because we all know that, regardless of parenthood, they are also limited human beings and victims of intergenerational inheritance.
How to save ourselves is the lesson we should focus on.
How can a person who wants to be free get rid of the shadow of his family of origin?
Break away from your parents and live your own independent life
In fact, Tao Xinran's experience has given the answer.
Many people grow up in a high-pressure environment, either by being submissive or going to the other extreme, by destroying themselves to prove their parents wrong.
Tao Xinran didn't, she developed the consciousness of being "independent" at a very young age.
Learn to rebel, at least psychologically, distance yourself from your parents.
In the year of the high school entrance examination, Tao Xinran was still a little girl, and her mother insisted on letting her take the ordinary college entrance examination.
However, with the belief that she had to leave home and find a new outlet for her life, she had a big fight with her mother, and finally won the opportunity to study in an art school.
This rebellion seems to be a watershed, allowing Tao Xinran to see his situation more clearly, and at the same time giving this anxious mother-daughter relationship a chance to cool down.
Later, An Lingrong's role in "The Legend of Zhen Huan" became popular, which proved Tao Xinran's acting skills, and also declared that he was independent of his mother's arrangement and could live beautifully.
Therefore, in the face of uncomfortable family relationships, we first need to realize that we have choices and can take responsibility for our own lives.
Positive psychological cues can give us more strength to disconnect from our original family.
Second, learn self-compassion.
Psychological counselor Huang Shiming once said: "Don't heal your original family, but heal your inner family." ”
The best thing Tao Xinran has done is not to find recognition in people who have hurt him.
Why are many girls who are not loved the most filial when they grow up?
Because they will be obsessed with being recognized by their parents, hoping to prove to each other that "you are wrong" with their own efforts.
In the program "It's a Mother and a Daughter", Tao Xinran's words were touching, she said,
"Ever since I was a child, my mom asked me to be number one. I'm going to tell her slowly, I'm actually very ordinary.
I think it's important to have a clear understanding that I can not be the best, but I can be unique. ”
No longer obsessed with making parents admit their mistakes, nor blaming themselves for not being good enough, but looking at their own future.
"Self-compassion" can be practiced. Every day, you can choose a time to review, feel and ask yourself what you have experienced and what emotions you have.
Then record what you observe in as much detail as possible without evaluation, and try to "label" negative emotions.
Like what
"I feel sad";
"When I share my work, I am very nervous";
As mindfulness expert Dan Siegel describes, "say its name to tame it". Help you get out of a bad emotional experience.
You can also participate in our "Family Psychology Experience Camp", under the guidance of the teacher, you can see the cause of your own lack from the source, see the crux of the family relationship, be yourself in your own position, love others, accept love, and live the essence of your own life.
All change starts with seeing yourself. I wish everyone the courage to restart their lives.
*This article was created by members of Zhang Defen's writing team, if you need to reprint, please contact for authorization.
Curated 丨kiwi
Editor丨Li Xiaodou