Be a person who loves to learn and is willing to grow with me
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My boyfriend found someone else during the breakup with me
Text/Yan Lingyang
Netizen private message (with fat sheep's reply attached):
Sister Yangyang, good evening, I know the last resort because you haven't updated for two days, and I can't hear you and feel empty. Today I will submit an article to solve my emotional problems.
My boyfriend and I were at the same table in junior high school, but we were officially together after the college entrance examination. Bachelor's degree for 4 years, different schools in the same (hometown) province, and he volunteered to go to 985 colleges and universities in his hometown province for a master's degree, but I had a low score and was transferred to a school in remote area B.
After graduating with a master's degree, he went ashore in the public examination, and I wanted to study for a Ph.D., and the university had very good resources at that time, so I wanted to stay in school and continue to study. When I had the idea of doing a PhD at this university, I told my boyfriend that he was adamantly against it.
He thinks that I will most likely stay in this city after 7 years of master's and doctoral degrees, and my real idea is to go back to his city to find a job, even if the treatment in the two cities is much worse, I am willing.
I begged him to believe me, but he couldn't do it and thought I was too simple. At that time, I couldn't contact the resources of other schools that were better than that laboratory, especially the universities in his province, so we had a conflict and broke up. Later, I inquired about some bad things in the doctoral supervisor team, and I took the initiative to give up that opportunity and found him to get back together as soon as possible, and he immediately agreed.
A few days later, I stumbled upon the story of "Library 30S" with his fellow sister during our brief month of separation. Once, when it was very late, I called him, and the opposite side showed a busy line, and I felt that something was wrong, and I said "You'd better explain it clearly" with a sinking face, and he said it 1510.
The reason he gave me was that "when I contacted my sister, we were already in a state of breakup", "I think you have decided to study there and it will not change", "As long as you stay there, I can't see our future at all, so I didn't refuse my sister's concern". Later, I studied for a doctorate in a city 3 hours away from him on the high-speed rail, and he made it clear to his junior sister, and after a while, his junior sister was with another senior brother.
It seems that everyone has an ending, and I thought that we would go on smoothly, but I always think of him and his sister when I hear the word "mental cheating" (I know that it is not cheating in the strict sense, because we were in a state of breakup during that time), maybe I have an emotional cleanliness fetish, thinking that the relationship for 8 years has always been sweet and innocent, and suddenly there is a little dirt, and I have been consuming myself internally.
The other day we were talking about it, and he said the following. I wondered, could it really be what he said, and if I let go of this matter completely, would he make the same mistake in the future?
Fat Sheep replied:
Do you know how I feel when I see this private message from you? I kind of envy you for being young. Because you are young, you quarrel so seriously. Because you are young, you are so sad because of this little thing.
So, instead of judging you as I'm forty years old and weathered (I guess forget it), I should try to understand your current state as I was when I was young.
In this relationship, you show sincerity, and he shows only "passing". Or rather, you behave more like a student, and he is more like a social person.
For example, he judged that if you continue to live separately in the future, you may not be able to get married, and you may face many problems after marriage, so he chose to let you compromise.
After you proposed to break up, he happened to meet his sister to show affection, so he chose to "see everywhere". When you come back, he will talk to his sister again, stay with you and confess to you.
All of these may challenge your emotional cleanliness..... But what I'm telling you is that the vast majority of real-life men do this. The "unpolluted" love we look forward to is only available in film and television dramas.
Ordinary people live their lives, and the more they go by, the more you will find that your marriage and life will be like the old leaves on a tree, and they will begin to appear one after another missing corners, wormholes, and yellowing. The unfortunate ones have rotted and withered.
And at this stage, you will find that the logic of your choices and decisions is completely different from when you were young. You used to just look at "what's flawed", but later you're more focused on "how much else works".
You have been together for eight years, not eight months. When you talk to me, you may have only talked about it, but you can't devote too much space to the eight years you've been together.
Judging from this incident alone, he has the idea of "women and husbands" that traditional men have, as well as a little desire for control, and a little refined self-interest.
But I believe that the shortcomings he exposed will hardly make you decide to let go of the eight years you have spent together.
This story, if analyzed from his point of view, may also look like this:
His girlfriend is a bit willful, he mostly chooses to be fulfilled, and coincidentally accepts his sister's show of love, but then his girlfriend came back, and he couldn't give up the past eight years and tried to deal with this matter as brightly as possible.
In my opinion, whether you or him, what you have is just a small selfishness that ordinary people may have, and it is not a matter of character.
It's just because you're all too young to have been beaten by society and fate that you feel like "there's a hole in this leaf, it's incomplete".
Whether he will do the same thing again (I don't think it's wrong) is something only God knows.
Some people have been married for twenty or thirty years, and their partner may also change their mind and become another person.
So, I don't think it's useful to worry about these questions in advance, it will only affect your relationship now.
I suggest that you relax your mind and explore the deeper cause of your anxiety – most likely that you have not forged the heart to take the risk of changing your mind.
And this, you can't achieve by managing others, you can only manage yourself.
Again: a bird rests on a branch, not because it believes it won't break, but because it knows it can fly.
Spend more time focusing on your wings than the branch, and then enjoy the time you spend perched on the branch.
ps：
I am a little tolerant of the little hesitation, cowardice, and selfishness of young men in their relationships.
Most men still have a passion and a sincere heart towards women during the courtship period of teenagers and young adults, which is really not so cruel.
All touching love stories also happen to men and women of this age.
Yesterday I also swiped a video of Dawn's interview, saying that he was a spare tire for the girl he liked when he was young, and she broke up with three boyfriends before it was his turn, but then he abandoned him.
I thought to myself, he was so handsome when he was young, but he still had this kind of experience as a licking dog before he became famous?
Most of the men's "must fight all their lives, and they will be happy today" mostly occurred during this period. Do you see the men who are holding bouquets at the airport and waiting for their lovers to appear, are they all about the same age?
When men are a little older, as their wallets become harder, their hearts become harder, and they will be cruel to women.
First, because they are also fragile and can't withstand the pressure of life, some people want to run away and hide when they encounter something;
The second is that they may have earned some money, but they have also been beaten by society, and they have accumulated a lot of anger or a strong sense of self-defense;
The third is that they slowly understand the essence of the relationship between men and women under the patriarchal system, and know how to maintain this system in their own best interests.
As a result, some people begin to become selfish, cruel, and cheating, and they must consider maximizing their own interests...... That's when they start to get greasy.
In this way, the love of middle-aged men always looks a little dirty. Their methods of dealing with women have also become particularly cruel.
You can see that those who cheat, those who dump their hands, those who kill their ex-wives when they get divorced, and those who don't care about their children after divorce are all men of this age.
When the men are a little older, as the chickens become softer and the limit of old age (death) is approaching, their hearts will slowly become a little softer.
Those who cheat begin to receive, those who don't care about their children begin to please their children, and those who spend a lot of time drinking when they are young know that they have saved money and have begun to maintain their health.
As for women, I think most of them are relatively stable in temperament, but they are forced to develop strong resilience and elasticity with the years to adapt to the baptism brought to them by these changes in men.
PS: I won't discuss individual cases, just talk about the high probability of observation, and go out to rest for a while.
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Author: Yan Lingyang, born in the 80s, emotional columnist, author of new feminism, member of the Chinese Writers Association. He is the author of the best-selling books "Those That Make You Miserable, One Day You Will Say It with a Smile", "May You Let Go of the Past and Be Worthy of the Future", "May You Have a Journey and a Way Out", "I'm Divorced", "With Your Rivers and Lakes Are Not Lonely - An Alternative Interpretation of Jin Yong's Martial Arts Novels" and the children's picture book "Mom's House, Dad's House". With 13 years of experience in financial industry (management), he is currently the founder of a cultural information consulting company in Guangzhou and the co-founder of a cultural media company. Born in Lijiang, Yunnan Province, he now lives in Guangzhou.
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