Hemingway said, "The process of growing up is to constantly learn how to be independent, how to be free, how to love." ”
Growing up is a topic in a person's life, and in the long process, there are some stages that need the support of parents, and some moments that require parents to stand behind to give support, but some things need parents to let go.
A parent's greatest success is to let go of his own anxieties and allow his child to grow his own edges and corners.
The really powerful parents are to take care of their children less in these 3 things, and the more they let go, the more productive they are.
01
Less personal space: Respect your child's personal space and privacy
There is a question on Zhihu: What should I do if my parents don't leave me privacy at all?
The following answer is to the effect that I am 23 years old, but I still want an independent space, and when I have a small friction with my mother, I will hide in the room to calm down, but my mother will knock and slam the door frantically, until one day I come home and find that my mother has unloaded the bedroom door, and then the way of communication with my mother has become hard and rigid on the back of the gong.
Some netizens commented at the end of this answer that they have the same feelings, it's not that they don't love their parents, but there is no way to get along peacefully, they can't have any space at all, they have to search everywhere.
If, from the child's point of view, when the concern and worry that parents think is turned into all-round supervision and even surveillance, they will feel that their boundaries have been violated, and as an individual, the discomfort and insecurity caused by the violation will prompt the child to respond - to avoid or confront.
Either way, it's a preparation to break free.
The door that forcibly breaks into the child's boundaries seems to be unobstructed, but the child will circle a no-man's land in his heart, and then close the door of his heart heavily.
If parents only want to hold the pockets of their children's "space" and "privacy" in their own hands, and tighten them too tightly, the children will always grow up one day, once they have their own strength, they only want to escape from the control of their parents as soon as possible, and with a hostile attitude, they also have doubts about the original intention of their parents to pay attention to them.
Perhaps you are worried that if you relax, your child will lose a layer of protection.
But in fact, if you leave enough respite for your child, your child will feel that he is in a relaxed family environment, and they are willing to step out of the circle they have drawn because they have this idea:
Family is defenseless, family is meant to be believed and relied upon.
02
Less attention to the details: Let the child make small decisions on their own
British psychologist Sylvia said:
"The truly successful love of parents is to let the child separate from your life as an independent individual as soon as possible. The sooner this separation is, the more successful you will be. ”
The child is not carrying a bag, and the day he has to leave the house, he suddenly becomes an independent person.
Children are not holding resumes in their hands and suddenly learning to think about problems and cope with difficulties when they have to face survival.
They need to learn over a long, long period of time and slowly gain experience.
This long learning period is more than ten years by the side of their parents, and we always make all the plans, preparations and decisions for them, and their learning starting point can only continue to the society.
At that time, everyone else could dive a few times, and he began to try to spread his wings little by little, who suffered?
Big decisions, parents give advice, small decisions are left to the child to do by themselves, even if the effect is not good, the result is a failure, but also let him go through the whole process of planning and responsibility, this experience has no training, no substitution.
Like what:
In early childhood (3-6 years old), you can offer easy choices about what you want to play with, what you like to wear, what you want to eat.
During childhood (6-12 years old), children try to participate in weekend activities, participate in the purchase of their own school supplies, and choose which extracurricular interest classes to attend.
During adolescence (12-18 years old), give them more autonomy, make study plans, decide how to divide their pocket money, and provide advice in some family decisions, such as where to go on family trips.
03
Limit the opportunity to make mistakes: Allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them
If letting children make detailed decisions is to guide them to open the door to independence, then giving children some opportunities to learn from their mistakes is to pave the way for them to move forward bravely.
Growing up means exploring and breaking through, and in this "journey", the child discovers himself as he adapts to the environment.
Allowing a child to make mistakes without offending others or breaking the norm is not connivance, but deep trust and support.
We all know that setbacks are devastating, but we need to breed greater and more strength in our hearts in order to stand up or stand on our feet.
Really powerful parents are not shielding their children from frustration, but teaching their children how to find ways to reduce harm and remedy mistakes after encountering setbacks.
In addition, there are traces of some setbacks, so parents can take this opportunity to teach their children how to prevent it from appearing next time.
It's like a pit, after a fall, if the child remembers that it is uneven, the child will pay attention to it next time and avoid it.
[Meng Zai's mother said]:
Children come because of us, but they should never be trapped in one place because of us, they have their own lives, to experience, feel and grow.
Really good parents don't care about everything, they know what to do, they should loosen the string in their hands, pull it too tightly, the kite string will break, it will fly out of sight, it will fall, right?
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