Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
Before we got married, we always had too many good expectations for marriage. But when you really get married, you find that marriage is not an easy task.
The two people who make up the husband and wife, in the long married life, will have too many problems. At this time, we will inevitably be disappointed in our marriage, and even have the idea of divorce.
However, divorce is not an easy task, and there are too many shackles involved. For example, children, such as parents, there is always a reason why you can't choose divorce happily.
What should I do if I can't get through my marriage, but I can't get a divorce?
01
In fact, any relationship, whether it is a couple or a couple, as long as it is a relationship, it will have a life cycle.
This is like the cycle of the four seasons, and the relationship between husband and wife will also go through spring, summer, autumn and winter. When you feel "unbearable", it may be because the relationship has entered the "winter".
However, that doesn't mean it's over. Because after winter, spring will still come.
There is a concept in psychology called "emotional account", which refers to the fact that in an intimate relationship, both parties constantly deposit or withdraw "emotional funds" in the "account" through daily interaction and communication.
The so-called deposit is to do a lot of things to make the relationship between husband and wife better and better. Taking it out is the opposite, saying things that hurt the feelings of the husband and wife, and doing things that hurt the feelings of the husband and wife.
When the relationship between husband and wife becomes more and more strained, it is actually because this "emotional account" is no longer able to make ends meet.
Therefore, if we can't get a divorce and want to move on, the first thing we have to do is to start "saving".
How to "save"? This requires us to pay attention to the needs of the other person and do something that will make the other person feel loved and valued.
For example, remember the other person's birthday and important days, take the initiative to give a small gift, give the other person a warm hug when he is tired, and be by his side and give him warm care when the other person is in a bad mood.
In these seemingly trivial things in married life, they are actually depositing money into the "emotional account". When we have more and more savings, then the relationship between husband and wife will gradually heat up.
02
In real life, there are problems in marriage and they feel that they can't get by, which is a situation that many couples will encounter.
According to psychological research, the "seven-year itch" in marriage is widespread. This is because over time, the passion and romance of the newlywed gradually fade, and couples begin to see each other's shortcomings and inadequacies more.
And these will break the filter in our hearts, and we will be disappointed in our partners, and we will be dissatisfied with our marriage.
But this is not to say that the two people are really estranged and have no feelings. It's just that at different stages of marriage, our needs are constantly changing, and we have more expectations for our partners.
At this time, the most important thing is to re-establish the emotional connection between husband and wife.
For example, we need to re-examine the relationship between husband and wife and find our original intention, that is, why we fell in love with each other in the first place, and why we came together firmly.
Try to look back on the good old days, go to the places we loved in the past, take a look at the intimate photos we left behind, etc., all of which can evoke deep emotions in our hearts.
At the same time, we also need to calm down and communicate more with our partners and listen to each other's inner voices.
Many times, we are too eager to express our opinions and ignore each other's feelings. You can try to empathize and see if there is a problem with your expression, whether it brings discomfort to the other person, etc
In addition, couples can also try to participate in some activities together to strengthen their bond with each other.
For example, go on a trip together, arrange to go out with your children on the weekend, go to a friend's party together, go for a walk together in the evening, etc. These can allow us to discover new shining points of each other and arouse inner love.
03
I have an example of this around me, let's see how she handles it.
Sister Zhao and her husband are both middle-aged, they have been married for many years, and their children have gone to college.
In recent years, Sister Zhao has found that her marriage has become more and more boring, and there is almost no in-depth communication between her husband except for daily eating, drinking, and Lazar, and her husband is not willing to talk to her more.
This made Sister Zhao feel very lonely in her marriage, and she also had a lot of dissatisfaction with her husband, and the two had a lot of disputes about it. She felt that it was not the way to go on like this, but she didn't want to give up this marriage easily.
At the suggestion of a friend, Sister Zhao decided to make some changes.
After discussing with her husband, she arranged a fixed "date day" every week, during which they did not talk about housework or children, but only paid attention to each other.
Together, they go to the movies, go shopping, go for a walk in the countryside, or go to some of the new restaurants to enjoy a good meal. This arrangement made them regain the feeling of being in love.
Moreover, Sister Zhao also participated in some studies on managing marriage. I realized that I had a lot of problems communicating with my husband. For example, interrupting the other person often, speaking in an accusatory tone, etc.
Sister Zhao began to consciously avoid these problems, but she didn't expect the power of language to be powerful. Her husband saw her change and became more and more willing to talk to her.
Gradually, Sister Zhao's marriage was full of vitality, and her relationship with her husband became much closer.
This made her realize that when she encounters problems in her marriage, she should not always think about divorce, and through some adjustments and efforts, she also has the opportunity to make her marriage sweet and happy again.
Therefore, when the husband and wife can't get along and can't get a divorce, don't blindly fall into despair, but actively find ways to improve.
Marriage is a long-lasting practice, and as long as we are willing to put in the effort, we can find the balance that makes our marriage happy.