Hello everyone, I'm a cute mom!
It has been said, "The aim of all human efforts is to achieve happiness".
How to achieve happiness is not only a topic for adults, but also the expectation of parents for their children, hoping that they will live in happiness since childhood, and in the future, they can always become the lucky ones who are hit by luck and cared for by happiness.
We are all children in our eyes, and even the sand has to be moved into another place.
The heart is full of children, and even the trend of the electrocardiogram has become a portrayal of the parent-child relationship.
Life is full of children, pots and pans, we have a pair, and children have to prepare several sets of different sizes.
However, the sterile environment created by the glass cover did not produce the most vibrant flowers.
The child has the all-round protection of his parents, but he has dug a hole in his heart.
Only in this pit, no matter how capable the parents are, there is no way to "arrange it".
This pit comes from the child's two ways of thinking, and the child who has these two ways of thinking is not easy to be happy, and the sooner the parents are clear, the better it is for the child.
01
Thinking 1: "Learned helplessness" pushes happiness farther and farther
On a trip with a colleague who took his children on a trip, the colleague joked that his fruit should be renamed "ostrich".
"Let me tell you, my kid did a great job at the school athletic day.
At that time, he was standing at the starting line, his body was shaking, I looked nervous, and he was so scared that the race had not even started.
He said that he was thinking about failures, that he was afraid of being laughed at by his classmates for running slowly, that he was afraid that he would fall and get hurt, and that he was not like an ostrich that wants to bury its head in the sand when it is in danger?"
You must know that my colleague is notoriously strict with her son in the office, and she usually listens to her at the workplace and talks to her child on the phone, and everyone else around her is automatically "silent".
The colleague complained that his brows were squeezed into a V-shape, "My heart is broken, and the words are finished, and the bigger the result, the worse it is." ”
We hold the idea of letting our children suffer less now, always running ahead, taking the first step to remove obstacles on the road to growth, and only want children to take fewer detours, and in the same growth period, our children can go further.
We are busy, circling around them, and as long as they need it, we will try to appear in front of them, so that they are less wronged and less frustrated.
Or we go to the other end, in order to let the child not fail because of pride, not because of the current slackness, and miss the "good life" in the future, hold a serious expression, adhere to strict education, feel that this "pressure" can avoid the child "drift", as long as it has been stable, you can get the ultimate joy and success.
However, parents are busy and worried, and there are too many of our ideas, and the needs of children's growth have formed a "in the name of love" to encompass, restrict or suppress.
All of this makes children reluctant to face setbacks in the first place, or afraid of trying and failing, and have the idea of withdrawing.
The feeling of powerlessness generated by the idea of "I can't do it, I'm afraid, let me leave" has become the "umbrella" that children are most familiar with and want to grasp, and such children are typical learned helpless children.
Children with learned helplessness often have the following signs:
* Showing a negative, pessimistic attitude towards many things;
* Lack of confidence in one's own abilities and feeling that they are unable to do things well;
* Easily give up in the face of difficulties or challenges;
* Take failure very seriously, and even collapse because of a failure;
* Lack of willingness to actively explore and try new things;
* Over-reliance on others' help and guidance.
The formation of children's learned helpless thinking is mostly caused by the growth environment and is related to the parent's educational communication style.
In order for children to change this long-term state of self-denial, it is necessary to change the mentality, but it is also necessary for parents to find a balance in the way of education - find boundaries in love, let children try independence and frustration, give them appropriate freedom under strictness, and allow children to express confidence, recognition, and even praise some reasonable "show-off" ideas.
02
Thinking 2: Wrong attribution digs a huge hole for happiness
If the external distraction above is the door that leads the child to helplessness, the internal chaos is the lock that traps the child in the abyss of helplessness. And this "key point" of internal damage is in the wrong internal attribution.
In the attribution theory proposed by the psychologist Weiner, there are several different attribution styles, which we can look at in pairs.
Attribution of success or failure to an individual's ability or behavior is internal.
The opposite is external attribution, such as attributing the cause to luck or circumstance.
The second pair is to see whether the subject will see the cause as long-term and constant or temporary, so as to determine whether it is a stable or non-stable attribution.
And the other way to look at the cause of things, do you see it as something that you can control, or is it uncontrollable?
So how do these attributions affect children?
For example, if a child is faced with a failed challenge that would otherwise be appropriate for his age.
At this point, if he blames himself for not being able to do it and not learning it, then the child will naturally fall into the trap of stable and uncontrollable internal attribution.
The wrong attribution method will promote the child's learned helplessness to obtain repeated "rehearsals", and in turn, the learned helplessness will also make the wrong attribution method become habitual thinking, and the child's helplessness will become more and more intense.
The two kinds of thinking are like a mantra on the child's head, once the closed loop is formed, it will hinder the formation of the child's concept of happiness, and if you want to change, you must break the closed loop.
But children are not mature enough, it is difficult to rely only on their own perception and self-examination, and break out of the cage of thinking, or to return to the guidance of parents, but preaching will only make the parent-child mode fall into a negative cycle of "blame-avoidance-injury" again.
A better approach is for parents to show optimism and positivity directly in their daily lives, and to use the right attribution methods in such a state.
Children can repeatedly receive such positive information, they will naturally be touched and perceived, life is the school, this kind of learning is the least pressure, and the fastest effect.
[Meng Zai's mother said]:
These two modes of thinking are inconspicuous, but they can affect the direction of children's lives and their outlook on happiness for a long time, and parents can not care? Change our parenting style to reduce the accumulation of learned helplessness.
Start by adapting our attribution methods to help your child get more out of the right attribution.
The child's smiling face will often hang on the face, and such a relaxed and optimistic state is the child's real happy posture.
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