遇见
We've been together for more than a year and a half now. In fact, we never imagined that one day, we would be able to lie in bed and talk about what we want to do in four years, where we can buy a house and a car in the future while riding a bicycle, whether we want to live in Taipei or Kaohsiung, and what we will do together in the future. But just recently, we've started to plan our future, imagining a blueprint for when we live together in the future. And you sigh, it will take another four years for us to live like this.
Actually, it was like a rare dream for me, so even if it was four years away, I gladly accepted it.
The first time I had an impression of you, when I was abroad, a friend happily knocked me on Facebook and told me that the Kusra Club had made a video about caring about the suicide of a young comrade in Pingtung, and asked me to watch it immediately.
As soon as I opened it, there were friends in the club, telling about the situation of gay people, sharing their own experiences, hoping to encourage gay friends to cherish their lives through these stories.
Then I saw you, and I saw you talking about what you had been through, and I saw you talking about being infected, and I saw you talking about things that were not pleasant, but with a smile on your face, as if you were telling someone else's story.
I just thought, how can this man be so cute! and so optimistic.
暧昧
When I returned to Taiwan, I entered Chung Cheng University, and two or three days after I stayed in the dormitory was still summer vacation, so I tried my best to enter the club and contact the people in the club through various channels. Sure enough, on the second day after moving into the university dormitory, I used my natural social skills to sneak into the Kusla Club of Chung Cheng University, and went to sing with my friends in the club at night and met you.
I know there's some kind of throbbing spreading out in my heart, and really, you're as cute as you see in the film. I remember sitting shoulder to shoulder with you, and the physical touch made it clear to me that we both felt the same thing.
Watching you sing and swing your body, there is an inexplicable fascination.
Then, we made an appointment to take a walk at school, and I took your hand, and you didn't say no.
After a big circle around the campus, the topic seemed to never end.
A few days later, I asked to come to your house, and you agreed.
The two of us were lying in bed and chatting all the time, and at that time I was more passive about sex, who knew that you couldn't help but take my hand and start stroking your body. It really made me blush and my heart beat and I couldn't resist it. But in fact, I still have a lot of worries in my heart that have not been resolved, I am worried about the identity of your infected person, and I don't know if I will be infected if I have sex with you.
But in that situation, I can't resist your initiative and I can't say "no" to my heartfelt desires.
So, I kissed you and put my fear of AIDS behind me for a while. Enjoy with your passion.
contact
During this period of our relationship, you will talk about AIDS from time to time, and learn how to understand the psychological condition of people living with HIV and the possible anxieties that people may have by telling your own story after being infected with HIV.
It's also because you know AIDS very well, occasionally learn like you, and even often go to the Valley of the Heart to inquire about AIDS... So I know how to protect myself, and at the same time protect you.
Although I have gradually learned more about AIDS, perhaps it is because I have been exposed to the concept of AIDS since childhood, which is that "I will not live long", "I am disliked and disgusted", and even my family will stay away.
There has always been an internalized fear in my heart that has never diminished, and even affected my emotions to a greater or lesser extent.
And these fears also come from the community and friends around me, some people know that you are infected, and they all ask me in a puzzled tone, am I not afraid of being infected because of this?
Occasionally, I think in my mind, what should I do if I go for an HIV test three or four months later and it comes back positive? How do I deal with myself becoming infected? How do I face my family and tell them that I know you are infected and I am infected? That struggle is hard to express, and it's too hard for us to talk about.
At that time, I thought that if I expressed my fear to you, it seemed to express to you my disapproval and discrimination against AIDS.
Because as an uninfected person, I am afraid of you as "HIV-positive".
"Mom, Dad, he's my partner. 」
On the day of the gay parade, you came to my house for two or three days, and my parents knew that you were infected, but they didn't know our relationship until that day when we slept in the same bed, and those intimate movements made my parents see it, and they didn't know that we were together.
From then on, my parents became nervous, and they didn't understand why I should choose someone with HIV as my partner.
Is it because I'm also infected? Am I protecting myself in my relationship with him?
These questions keep popping up in their minds and bothering them. It wasn't until we were back at school that my mother said to me at the door of my house, "Take good care of yourself, take care of yourself. 」
I realized how nervous they were and how incomprehensible they were.
When you arrive at the small apartment you rented in the evening, there are many missed calls on your phone, which are from your mother.
Looking at the missed calls, I don't know how to call back, I know that once I call back, it will be one after another questions and dissatisfaction.
At this time, the mobile phone rang, and it was from my mother.
So I picked it up.
The overwhelming pressure and incomprehension broke out instantly, and the voice on the other end of the phone was mixed with a lot of complex emotions, dissatisfaction and doubts. accused me of being unreasonable, saying that I was holding my parents' love and squandering it at will, not knowing how to cherish my health in vain, worrying my parents, and even scolding me for why my choice of love can be so casual.
Silent tears
I didn't have time to explain, I couldn't explain it, and I knew in my heart that the negative emotions in these words came from your love.
But because that pressure builds up too quickly and massively.
I couldn't say a few words, and even if I did, my parents couldn't listen to me, and I was constantly interrupted to hear how sad my parents were. After my mom finished speaking, I changed my father, and the loud rant on the phone made me no longer able to face all this rationally.
I couldn't spit out a word anymore, I just listened quietly to my father's anger and quietly shed tears.
This is love, this is from the love of my parents, because they love me, they will worry, so they are afraid, so they scold me for not knowing how to take care of myself.
At this time, I can only comfort myself like this.
And you are beside me, watching me cry helplessly like a child. Fortunately, at this time, you are by my side, and you are with me to share these emotions.
For a few days, I didn't dare to call home.
Occasionally, my parents called, hung up the phone after a few words, and talked less and less about each other.
I know my parents have a lot to say to me, but they can't.
Occasionally, when I talk to my partner, it's a loud accusation or an argument.
In the end, I didn't even want to go back to Taipei, and tried my best to avoid quarrels with my parents.
Because every time I go back to Taipei, I can't avoid talking about this topic.
Then again and again in the conversation, I seemed to hurt my parents, and at the same time, I was also consuming my enthusiasm for home.
assist
In the end, because I don't want our relationship to deteriorate any longer.
I sought help from social groups.
I found Xiao Gao, a volunteer of the Lude Association, and Xiao Mei, a teacher from another unit.
The countermeasures discussed were that I could prove that I would not have problems interacting with infected people through the results of anonymous screening, and that it would help me to understand that it would not take a month or two to make my parents understand.
A few times later, I plucked up the courage to communicate with my parents, but each time it ended up with a big argument or one party just leaving. And the questions that my parents said were all those few words
"You have the right to choose a healthy partner. 」
"If I knew you had AIDS, I would hate that person for the rest of my life!"
"We've been with you for twenty years, and he's been with you for less than a year. Is our love worthless?"
I remember a certain communication, the problem was still swirling in these few words, and then, I cried and said to my parents, "It's not that I don't love you, I just love you too much. So I'm going to do everything I can to make you understand that if I don't love you today, I can leave my relationship with the infected person behind and say nothing. 」
I knew I was out of control and locked myself in my room, not wanting to say anything more.
I just cried, called Teacher Xiaomei, and cried about how much pain I felt in my heart. Fortunately, the comfort and advice on the phone from Ms. Xiaomei did not make me lose confidence in communication and find a reason to continue to work hard to communicate.
After 5 months of dating, I went for a sifting, but it took 5 working days to know the results.
For 5 days, I was expecting the outcome every day, and even though I knew that it was safe to have sex with you, I still couldn't overcome my fear.
I'm afraid that if I do get infected, my family will never forgive me for the rest of my life, and you have said that if I do get AIDS because of you, you will feel guilty for it.
Fortunately, the result of the inquiry that day was negative, and all the assumptions and worries did not materialize.
shift
Gradually, I stopped communicating with my parents in a reasonable way, and I learned not to use any data to convince my parents of how harmless AIDS is. Instead, tell my parents how good and happy I am in this relationship.
Share the details of my life with you.
Then I kept telling my parents that I still didn't have AIDS, and asked them to stop worrying about AIDS. And my parents no longer seem to worry that I will be infected with AIDS, and they no longer argue with me about my partner being infected, they just want me to take good care of myself, no matter who I love.
Even in the process of the dispute, I don't know how many times I shed tears, but I also learned that in the process of communication, it is not just cold data, people are alive, data is dead, and what my parents want to know most is that I can really not get AIDS because of my association with infected people.
And I did, so that they could not worry about it any longer.
And in the process of these disputes, I am fortunate to have you by my side all the time, let me know that I am not alone in facing all this.
When I cried, you accompanied me to cry, and when I was silent, you patted me on the back and discussed what to do for the next communication.
It is also because of your company that I was able to come over smoothly.
I know that sometimes when you see me crying, watching me being scolded by my parents on the phone, the pain in your heart is not less than mine, but I have never heard you complain. Thank you for supporting each other in life. Next, let me hold hands with you and walk together in the days to come.
Love what I love
On December 6, 2012, my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, and my father mentioned in a letter to the whole family: "Ah Sheng, Dad doesn't want to control your love, as long as you love me, I agree, because I love you, I will definitely love what you love."
At the beginning of the year, my mother and I had different opinions from you on your love issue, and we didn't ask you to do anything, just to express our love for you.
Your life will inevitably affect the future of our family, and for this I must put the most selfish love for you first.
We want you to be healthy and we want you to be happy.
We want you to find the best love, these are the same expectations of you and me, but parents have an extra layer of "family" protection, and want to protect you from too many burdens and responsibilities, let alone too many risks.
I have not rejected him, and if you really want to be his companion for the rest of your life, I will surely accept and bless him. Just before that, please let me be the Father of the Son and play the role I have to play.
Please really make yourself healthy, and promise us that you will be careful with your health, and under this premise, love what you love!"
Just after the long war of resistance, we both won each other. Won back the home that was almost a stranger.
Partner of the infected person
After becoming the partner of an infected person, I deeply realized that the whole society does not understand AIDS, and even discriminates against it. After telling friends and family, many people's first response was "Are you okay?" or "Are you still healthy?"
In fact, after spending time with my partner, I deeply realized that people living with HIV are not as "scary" as they imagined, and if they have regular physical condition, they actually have the same lifestyle as non-infected people. There is no such thing as "only a few years to live".
Of course, I can't guarantee that an infected person will never get a condition, like a doctor does. But I think that as long as the physical condition is tracked regularly, the infected person is healthy.
As a companion of an infected person, I can feel the unfriendliness of society, let alone the situation of an infected person. Infected people are often under great pressure because they don't know who to talk to at the beginning of the infection because they don't know who to talk to.
In the process of choosing a partner, there is always a special hesitation, afraid that the partner is unwilling to enter the relationship because of his identity as an infected person, or the infected person who has been in a stable relationship will not be able to mention this matter to his partner;
The most common question faced by partners of infected people is "Why not choose a healthy person?"
For me, because I know that HIV can be prevented, and because I know that people living with HIV are not as scary as society thinks, I don't specifically consider "whether I am infected" as one of the conditions for choosing a partner.
作者：Vincent Chiang(台湾省)
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