After the murder and burial of the corpse of a junior high school student, something even more worrying is happening......
With the incident of "murder and burial of junior high school students" in Handan, everyone was indignant: If we teach children to be a kind person, will it harm them?
In fact, under the influence of ancient genes, "aggression" is innate in people. The saying that "at the beginning of man, nature is good" has always been controversial.
In the process of educating children, parents to catch the "bad" part of their children and help them detoxify not only make them better people, but also protect them from the covetousness of sin.
Author: Miss Manglai is a national second-level psychological counselor and an intermediate marriage and family counselor
........................................
Recently, the Internet has been full of news related to children and juvenile crimes, which makes parents frightened and even doubt human nature.
A 13-year-old boy in Meizhou dragged away a little girl on the side of the road, suspected of molesting her;
A 13-year-old boy in Liangshan, Sichuan, was verbally abused and beaten by a 14-year-old girl;
A boy sexually assaulted an 8-year-old girl and was not criminally punished because he was under 14 years old;
A student in Zhumadian was criticized by the teacher for not completing his homework, and was disgruntled, and jumped off the building after stabbing the teacher with a knife after class......
Regarding the criminal immunity of minors, there are many legal bloggers on the Internet who popularize science, so I will not repeat it here. But the general conclusion is this: if there are no accidents, the cruel underage murderer will not be punished as he deserves.
This conclusion is really depressing, and it also makes many parents worry: What's wrong with the world? Why do good people have to make way for bad people? If the murderer is not punished, will their children also learn to be "bad"? Why don't we have to pay a price for doing evil? If we teach our children to be kind people, will we harm them?!
Perhaps parents all over China are waiting for a result to decide the direction of their education.
Today, I would like to give you some advice from the perspective of psychology: if you want to protect your children, the attitude of education can be a little healthy "bad".
The good and evil of human nature are two sides of the same coin
The "bad" here refers to a person's aggressiveness. The reason why underage murderers make parents sit on the edge is because they are too destructive.
In June 2023, the Supreme People's Procuratorate of the mainland released the "White Paper on Juvenile Procuratorial Work", which shows that juvenile crime is generally on the rise.
In 2022, the number of juvenile criminal suspects accepted by the procuratorate for review, arrest, and prosecution increased by 30.2% and 42.8% respectively compared with 2020.
The trend of juvenile delinquency abroad is similarly severe.
"Criminal Psychology" revealed a foreign data: "In the past 10 years, the number of child offenders tried by juvenile courts has increased by 33%, which has led to the attention of the entire judicial community...... Children under the age of 13 account for about 9 per cent of juvenile arrests. ”
These child offenders follow a pattern: the younger they are, the earlier they commit the crime, the greater the crime, and the longer it lasts.
"According to research, the proportion of child offenders who become serious, violent, and persistently offenders is two to three times higher than those who committed crimes as teenagers. ”
The proportion of children and juvenile offenders is staggering (Source: "Criminal Psychology")
It can be seen that the increase in the proportion of juvenile delinquency is a global problem, which makes it really difficult for people to rest assured that children will be out of their sight, for fear that children will be harmed and taken badly.
Why are these children so "bad" and unhealthy?
Psychology expert Wu Zhihong explained some children's evils in "Deep Relationship" in this way:
"The most essential human need is to see. The primordial vitality can be seen as neutral and gray, and when seen, it means illuminated and transformed into a white, colorful vitality, and when it is not seen, it becomes a black, dead thing. ”
Some children with bad conduct and criminal potential are not seen in the family, and their parents do not care about their inner world at all, resulting in the accumulation of a lot of black and dead things in the children's hearts.
These things can amplify aggression and make children feel very malicious towards others and feel that others are trying to harm them, or they can attack themselves and feel that they are "waste".
And some children who commit crimes, not only are they not seen, but they are also instilled with a lot of anxiety by their parents.
is like the evil "black boss" Sun Xiaoguo, who witnessed his parents quarreling since he was a child, and his parents divorced when he was 7 years old, his mother only met his material needs and did not care about personality growth, raising Sun Xiaoguo into a criminal who raped many women.
A stressful home environment, parents who quarrel all day, and the inner feeling of being ignored for a long time...... All of these will add to the black part of a child's inner body.
Adults can't imagine the evil of children, but also because adults have the ability to adjust themselves, and when the black part of the child's heart exceeds the light part, the whole person will be immersed in a kind of "toxicity" and may get out of control at any time.
Your kindness must be sharpened
I don't know if you have noticed: there are some "bad boys" who can express aggression but are able to build good relationships with others.
is like Xiaoxue in "Family with Children", there is an episode where parents want to give away Xiaoxue's things, but Xiaoxue decisively refuses, and in turn educates parents: "You don't need a reason to refuse, you must be suffering from the problem of pleasing others." ”
In addition, she also fell in love, dyed her hair, and contradicted adults...... However, Xiaoxue is not annoying, on the contrary, her parents, brothers, teachers and classmates like her very much, and her academic performance is also very good.
This is because: although Xiaoxue has "bad" parts, it is generally "good". When Xiaoxue disagreed to give away her things, her parents' first reaction was not to blame her for being ignorant, but to ask her: "How did you decisively refuse others?
This kind of curiosity and inquiry is the inner feeling of "seeing" Xiaoxue. A family environment full of "seeing" gives the child a lot of positive, bright parts of his heart, so that although the child is aggressive, it is generally non-toxic.
Why are some children so bad that they are "toxic"? For example, beating their parents, running away from home, and getting into bad habits...... The main reason for excluding some natural antisocial personalities is that these children are not only not "seen" at home, but also instilled a lot of anxiety.
An example is given in "Deep Relationships":
A girl wants to do one thing in her own way, such as drinking water, she initiates an idea of drinking water and then chooses what cup to use and how to drink and pour water.
If this process is hindered and disrupted, for example, if the parents ask her to follow their way: drink and pour water in the prescribed way......
The child will feel that his will has been broken, and his way of being is not "seen", as if he has "died" once. If the child is always destroyed, she will feel "dead" again and again, which makes her have negative emotions about what she has to do and find it difficult to get involved.
On the one hand, she was angry, full of anger that made her wary, malevolent, and hostile to the outside world, and on the other hand, she felt guilty for fear that others would retaliate, punish her, or hurt others if they knew what they really thought.
Fear and guilt are the "poison" in a child's heart, and when the poison accumulates to a certain extent, the aggression will get out of control. As parents, if you can catch your child's fear and guilt, see and resolve some of your children's anxiety, you can purify and "detoxify" your child.
When children experience the purification of their parents, they will become very measured: dare to attack others, protect themselves, and at the same time be able to control their "bad" and not hurt others excessively, and will also feel uncomfortable with some "toxic" children and avoid them.
Aggression is inherent in human beings, and "de-poisoned" children still have a bad side, but this "non-toxic bad" will become their armor to protect themselves. Parents and family members can see the child and "detoxify" the child, and the child's personality development will be highly mature.
Just like a friend's child of mine, when reading a picture book, she doesn't like to be disturbed by sound around her, and if her parents' mobile phone makes a sound, she will loudly reprimand her parents: "You made a sound! You hate it! I'm going to throw you out!"
But when her parents told her, "We love you." The 5-year-old will say, "I love you more than you love me." ”
Whether you are good or bad, my attitude towards you will not change
To summarize briefly -
"Toxic" children are very destructive, parents are not only unable to see them, but also instill a lot of anxiety, resulting in too many black parts in the child's heart;
"Non-toxic" children transmit anxiety to their parents, are seen, catched, and relieved by their parents, and this process supports children and allows them to have a lot of bright parts in their hearts.
As "Deep Relationship" wrote: It feels good to unleash aggression unscrupulously, and the relationship can accommodate this aggression, so this accommodation also brings pleasure to each other.
Wu Zhihong told a personal experience: his parents never said "You are the hope of our whole family", and these words concealed the anxiety of his parents. In his studies and exams, his parents have always allowed him to play by himself, and his attitude towards him will not change if he does well or poorly, which makes him experience that "no matter how I am, my parents love me".
For a while, his academic performance swayed up and down a lot, but he rarely fell into anxiety. Because of his parents' attitude of "no matter what you do, my love for you is there", he has completed the "detoxification" for him, so that he will not want to destroy himself and the outside world.
Later, he meets a client who is immersed in a rage, has a lot of black parts in his heart, sees the outside world with hostility and malice, and wants to ruthlessly punish and take revenge on everyone. They spend a long time exploring the black part, and in the process, the client's inner feelings are seen by him, the "toxicity" becomes weaker, and the hostility and malice become less and less.
"When they find out that they can have conflicts with others, they can be honest and aggressive, and their relationships will get better and better because of it...... They will be healed. ”
Wu Zhihong "saw" the visitor and completed the "detoxification" for him, which is actually the process of "detoxification" for the children by parents.
First, allow the child to verbally express aggression. For example, listen to your child talk about how much he hates his parents, how unwilling he is to do something, and how unhappy he is about what happened today.
After the child expresses aggression, no matter how strong the words are, he does not comment, but expresses his feelings gently and calmly. For example: "I know what you're thinking, and I'm glad you can say it to me instead of hurting yourself and others." ”
Finally, guide children to think about right and wrong, and distinguish between good and evil. For example: "You swear today, I sound a little harsh, do you think swearing to others is a good thing or a bad thing?" "You just said that you really want to run away from home, what do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of running away from home? Is it a good thing or a bad thing overall?"
Try not to instill anxiety, but to see the child's anxiety, which can raise a healthy and strong child, and at the same time unload the psychological baggage of the parents.
When both parties in the parent-child relationship can express their dissatisfaction and release aggression generously, the relationship will be warm, healthy and powerful. The toxic "bad" outside world is also difficult to shake such a relationship.
For children, this is this: as long as my home is good, I am bright.