#精品长文创作季#
Many people look for different things when they enter marriage, some people enter marriage because of love, and some people decide to get married because they have a living security.
But one thing that almost always happens is that people who marry for love will realize the importance of money after marriage, while people who marry for material things will suffer from the fact that their partners cannot provide them with emotional value, and even if they are married, they still feel very lonely.
So many people are very distressed, and they can't look at money or love, so what should they care about in a marriage? I really want to ask the women in marriage now, do you care most about your husband's money or your husband's love?
To this, my answer is:
For most people, there is no constant and unchanged most care, only the "most concerned at the moment" generated by the continuous game of desire.
In fact, it is very important to bring out money and love lists. First of all, lack of money will threaten a person's most basic survival needs, including a family can be maintained for a long time, and basic material security is also a necessary condition, which I believe most people are very aware of.
But when it comes to the emotional part, many people will retain a vague attitude, and some people will think that marriage is a pure form of cooperation, money is the most important thing, if the person is rich in money, then I can give up my emotional needs.
Including you, you will find that many people can easily get a kind of advice after experiencing betrayal, that is, in order to ensure the normal maintenance of life and the upbringing of children, the betrayer can choose to forgive the other party, and in the next life with the other party to live a marriage that although there is a husband and wife, the heart has been completely withdrawn from the partner.
This kind of argument that emotions are not important we will often encounter on the Internet, some people will say that people's emotions are the most vulnerable, and they will change anytime and anywhere, it is better to firmly grasp those practical interests that can be seen and touched, and should not focus on these illusory feelings in marriage;
Although there is some truth to these statements, it still does not hide the fact that human beings are still social creatures, and many of our needs actually need to be met in the process of being responded to by another person. In other words, people naturally have a need to establish an emotional connection with others, which is very normal and reasonable for everyone.
Of course, the so-called marriage that only wants money and no love can exist in the short term, but it can never resist the feeling of lack caused by people not getting a spiritual response for a long time, which leads to many people who believe that everything will be fine with money will eventually try to establish emotional relationships within or outside of marriage.
According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the need for survival is of course in the first place, money may be more of a fulcrum for the person himself, and emotion is the need for promotion after having this fulcrum.
So if you ask them who is more important in marriage, strictly speaking, under the premise that the survival needs have not been solved, money must be more important, but because in the current society, most couples actually have their own jobs and can support themselves, at this time money and love have actually become a desire to play with each other, who has the upper hand, who is the most important.
As for why I say this, I will analyze it from several perspectives:
First of all, human desires are constantly escalating.
Human life is actually a game of desire chasing, and we are always marching towards the other side.
After satisfying basic survival needs, will people still chase money? The answer, of course, is yes. Some people may start out with material needs just to have a fixed place to live, and they don't have to worry about daily expenses and raising children. But gradually, many other needs based on money will slowly emerge in life, such as you may want to have a bigger house after having children, you will want your children to go to a better school, go to a lot of interest classes, etc., or you yourself feel tired from working every day, and you want to buy a lot of things but are reluctant to buy, these things may further promote your desire for money and improve your importance to material things in marriage.
The same is true for emotions, before you may feel that two people are very happy when they stay together, and the other party can occasionally make a little surprise to make you feel a great sense of satisfaction, but after entering the marriage, the invasion of many trivial things will make you annoyed, at this time the emotional value you need may not be just as simple as companionship, you want the other party to understand your situation, If you want to get the emotional support of the other party and change in real life, the emotional value that you did not value so much before marriage will become a core issue in your marriage and occupy an important position.
In other words, whether it is money or love, our needs for them will not be fixed, but will continue to increase and transform the form in daily life, because human beings themselves are actually a species that pursues progress, and it is actually difficult to achieve perfection by reaching a certain point.
Second, human desires are constantly changing.
While their desires for money and love are escalating, their relationship with each other is actually tied to each other.
At the initial point of marriage, each of us will definitely have a measure of this marriage. For example, some people enter marriage because of love, then she will regard emotions as particularly important, and after the material meets the minimum standards of their hearts, its importance will be put back;
However, this situation is often not constant, and as married life unfolds, you will experience many things that you did not experience before marriage, such as balancing family and work, having children, and dealing with trivial family relationships.
Then at this time, your needs will change with what you experience. In the past, those who valued love may find that love cannot be eaten, and your partner often cannot help you solve some specific and practical problems, and can only give you emotional support that you do not need;
At this time, if you ask them whether they value money or love more, they will definitely give a completely different answer than when they got married.
But even so, the game of various desires will not stop, just like when you spend money, you feel that it is good to have money, and when you are lonely, you feel that love is the most important. People will be in this kind of game all their lives, so who is more important depends more on the current state and needs of that person, it is not a fixed and universal answer.
Finally, human desires are also deeply shaped by her experience.
Although we say that the importance of money and affection is based on people's current needs, this does not mean that there is no certain bias between different people.
For a person who has been very poor in material circumstances since childhood, money must be at the top of all their desire classes. This is just like the older generation of people who experienced the famine era, even if the material conditions are much better now, they will still maintain the habit of frugality and not wasting things, and the value of money has solidified into a kind of cognition for them, which will not be easily changed.
There are also people who may grow up in a very love-loving environment, so she may take love very seriously in a marriage. Because they have tasted the taste of not being reciprocated for a long time, they will try their best to avoid entering the model of the original family when establishing a relationship, so they will pay great attention to building a loving marriage that can be reciprocated.
This kind of care is actually shaped by personal experience, it is the deepest desire rooted in a person's heart, and to put it more colloquially, they are themselves in a state of deprivation in these aspects, then she will be more easily attracted to these things.
In general, money and love in marriage are essentially indispensable things, but how to measure the importance of the two depends more on the differences between individuals. For different people, the sensitivity to the two is different at the beginning, and secondly, as the experience increases, the individual's needs will also change, and the judgment of their importance will change again, which is a dynamic process.
So if you're trying to find a standard reference answer to choose a mate, or to look at your current relationship through the experiences and insights of others, it's not really necessary. Because your marriage is actually ultimately based on your own needs and feelings, there is nothing absolutely important, only what you care about most at the moment.
Figuring out what you are lacking and what you care about, and then making targeted efforts in the relationship, is actually the ultimate answer to the problem. If you want to connect emotionally, you should communicate with your partner to increase your inner disclosure, and if you lack materiality, you should discuss a concrete and feasible way to increase your income, and then start practicing directly.
In fact, most problems in marriage do not need to refer to what others think, you yourself are the best answer to the marriage.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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