Interview with Shen Yifei: Why is it difficult to love someone today?

"Did you leave your relatives?"

Shen Yifei sent out this "soul torture" circle of friends on the second day of the Lunar New Year.

In the comment area of Shen Yifei's B station video, the word that appears most frequently is "urging marriage". Some netizens said that they participated in too many blind dates during the Spring Festival, and in the process of blind dates one after another, they were "quantified" by one keyword after another, and in this case, it is almost impossible to produce love.

Due to the appearance of this year's Spring Festival holiday and Valentine's Day "in pairs", on recent social media, the topic of urging marriage and marriage and love has always been frequently rushed to the hot search. In the discussion area of "Do this young people really not want to get married?", some netizens commented: "If you don't get married, there is no benefit in getting married." And this comment was also the most liked of all the discussions.

Shen Yifei may have looked more closely at these complaints than commentators. As a long-time sociologist who has studied intimate relationships, she sees these statements as a window into social sentiments. In addition to seeing what the comments were about, she wanted to understand why the commenters made the comments.

Some people once commented that Shen Yifei was a "lonely brave" because as a feminist she has been encouraging more people to enter love, and because she has spent a lot of time writing scripts and recording videos as a scholar. From recording the course "Sociological Thinking Love Lesson" to publishing the book "What kind of love is worth being brave once", she not only spent a lot of energy, but also heard a lot of sharp criticism. So what made her so determined to become a "lonely brave" to justify love?

With such questions, "Morning News" interviewed Shen Yifei and asked this "online love mentor" to "talk" with us on Valentine's Day.

Love New Script VS Love Old Script

"Why don't you find a partner"?

At the table of the Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, facing round after round of "soul torture" from the elders. Some people choose to escape, they would rather stay in an unfamiliar city than return to their hometown; some people begin to choose "reverse marriage urging", they keep urging their parents to help them go on a blind date until their parents are bored and no longer take the initiative to urge marriage; and some people choose to come to social media to complain in their hearts, spit out the "wonderful" blind date they just met.

But to really answer this "soul torture", everyone may give a different answer: because of "996", there is no time to fall in love, because the people around him are too "wonderful" and not suitable for love, and a friend around him may have recently fallen into the "quagmire" of divorce, which makes people "afraid of marriage" and "afraid of love"......

No matter what the answer is given, there is no doubt that in modern society, love has entered "hard mode". Shen Yifei also noticed this phenomenon, and in "Sociology Love Thinking Lesson", she deliberately took "why is love more difficult today" as the theme of the first lesson. To answer this question, she proposes a set of concepts called the new script of love and the old script of love.

The old script of love emphasizes the interests of the family, and the needs of the individual should be appropriately sacrificed in front of the family. In the old script, marriage was seen as a major event that had to be completed in life, the age of marriage and children was also specified, and all the actions of both parties were to make the family better;

There is no right or wrong between the new script and the old one, the new script is passionate about love and marriage, but full of instability. In contrast, old-script marriages are more likely to produce model couples who grow old together. At present, many people's love scripts are a mixture of old and new. They may want the longevity of traditional love and the change of their partner for the sake of the family, but they do not want to be bound by the trivial things in love. But in reality, this "want and want" idea will only make the "love mode" more difficult.

"A lot of times, what we think is 'weird' is just that the other person doesn't fit our love script, but we haven't thought about why the other person has this idea. Shen Yifei said.

In an episode of the program, the host asked Shang Jiangang: "What do you think is the ideal wife?" Shen Yifei gave her husband a look, looking forward to her husband praising herself with joy, but her husband didn't understand Shen Yifei's thoughts, he said: "The ideal wife is to see her as a friend and a buddy, we will have a lot to say, it doesn't matter how she looks." ”

But when the host asked Shen Yifei: "What do you think is an ideal husband?" Shen Yifei looked at her husband without thinking, and said with electric eyes: "That's it." ”

Perhaps in the eyes of many people, this kind of "sending points" is easy to answer, and the answer given by Shen Yifei is the "standard answer" that everyone expects. But Shen Yifei disagrees with this view, insisting that there are a thousand "standard answers" in the eyes of a thousand people. Shang Jiangang's answer is only the "optimal solution" born under his logical system. The difference in the logical system leads to the fact that different people may give different answers to the same question, and how to deal with the differences is a "topic" that couples have been studying from love to marriage.

"I want to vindicate love"

When we open social media, posts with strong resistance to love, such as "licking a dog can't die well" and "the love brain can wake up one is one", are flooding our eyes. In this era when "fear of marriage and love" has gradually become the mainstream, Shen Yifei has become a "lonely brave" who swims against the current, and she is never afraid to express her need for love.

In a video, Shen Yifei revealed to the audience: "Actually, I am a very clingy person, when Mr. Shang comes home from a business trip, I will pick him up as long as I have the conditions." I also hugged Mr. Shang every day. At this time, there was a barrage that bluntly said: "Teacher Shen's behavior is a bit like 'licking a dog'." ”

Subsequently, a video titled "Why Do I Encourage Everyone to Do More 'Licking Dogs'?" (The Courage to Be Hated) was launched. In the video, Shen Yifei said innocently: "What does this have to do with licking the dog? I just want to be nice to him, and I'm also very happy in the process." ”

In his book, Shen Yifei repeatedly quoted the American scholar Zike Zubin as saying that one of the characteristics of love is the tendency to help one's partner. If you are in a relationship and the amount of money you pay becomes a "business cost" that needs to be carefully calculated, then this may have violated the essence of love.

On the screen of the cinema, bizarre images are presenting a gripping plot, but many movies have similarly portrayed the characters of "scumbags", and they are playing with the feelings of their other half. When many audience members walk out of the theater, they may leave a phrase: "I don't believe in love anymore." Shen Yifei also paid attention to these remarks, so she opened a column of "Shen Yifei chatting about film and television" in her social media account. This is not to whitewash the "scumbag", but to justify love and convey a healthier view of love.

Shen Yifei believes: "'Scumbag' and 'scumbag' are both discriminatory labels that expand the individual case to the group, and when these labels are formed, it may make people feel that as long as they are men, they will have violent tendencies, and as long as they are beautiful women, they will step on two boats." ”

Her opinion comes from her own research that has lasted for more than 20 years: only a few people will engage in these "scum" behaviors. And their "scum" is not because of gender, and their behavior can only represent some groups with bad moral character.

"Black and white bear witness to our rationality"

"We've even been talking about divorce in earnest. In the quick question and answer video for the 20th anniversary of the marriage, Shang Jiangang said calmly.

A quick Q&A video of the 20th anniversary of the marriage of Shen Yifei and his wife

When they first entered the marriage, Shen Yifei and her husband frequently broke out into conflicts, and repeated quarrels made both parties talk about divorce more than once. Referring to the conflict, Shang Jiangang said: "We used to seriously think about what kind of person we would go to if we did get divorced, and if we entered the next marriage, would we face the same problem?"

After thinking about it calmly, both parties believe that even if they are divorced, they may repeat the same mistakes in their next relationship. Since separation is not the solution to the problem, the key to the problem is how to deal with the present. The husband and wife respectively made clear that they are absolutely untouchable "minefields", and the consequences of "stepping on mines", which may be quarrels or divorce......

The initial love between couples may just be a "hot head" under the action of dopamine. As the clock of love points to the 18th month of love, this chemical that brings instant happiness quietly breaks down, and a "watershed" suddenly blocks every couple's path. For "Mulberry CP" ("Mulberry CP" is what fans call Shen Yifei and his wife), how to cross this "watershed" also took a lot of energy from the two.

"It's hard to get someone to take your needs into account, so I'm more inclined to ask directly. Shen Yifei said. When she made a request, her husband Shang Jiangang would also think: "Can I complete this request, and under what circumstances can I complete it." After a long time, the husband and wife reached a tacit understanding - even if there was a conflict between the two parties, after the quarrel, both of them would sit down rationally and explain their demands. Many times, they will also write down the results of the discussion and form an agreement. When talking about the thick pile of agreements at home, Shen Yifei said: "Sensibility is to increase the temperature for reason, and reason is to escort sensibility." ”

"The agreement in black and white bears witness to our rationality, but the absence of emotion does not make people happy. After a pause, Shen Yifei added. Many times, the logic of problem solving and the logic of happiness are different. When we focus on problems, more problems will follow, but when we focus on how to "create" happiness, many problems will be solved.

"Sometimes, we even forget what we entered into a relationship for in the first place. The reason why we enter into love is not to solve problems, but to be happy. Shen Yifei said.

Reporter's Notes

I'm not the only one, but some colleagues have commented on the process of interviewing Shen Yifei: "There is a lot of stamina. ”

The logical discourse system and extremely fast speech speed all made my brain in the process of "running at high speed" during the interview. But when the interview was completed and the material was combed, I suddenly realized that Shen Yifei's daily life may be similar to ours.

Shen Yifei and her husband also quarrel from time to time, the two often need to worry about financial problems, they are also busy with work every day, and they are also busy with trivial matters such as supporting the elderly and taking care of children. So what is it that makes this couple, who once came close to divorce, still love each other?

So, I tentatively asked Shen Yifei: "What is your way of dealing with conflicts?" When Shen Yifei said that she sometimes chooses to write agreements with her husband to deal with conflicts, I couldn't help but be a little surprised. In black and white, this approach seems a bit cold to me. Shen Yifei also seemed to see my surprise, and then said: "It doesn't matter if it looks cold, it's good if it can solve the problem." ”

"It would be nice to be able to solve the problem. This sentence lingered in my mind for a long time. In today's fast-food relationships, many people regard love as a "consumer product" that can bring short-term pleasure. When love does not bring happiness, breaking up and divorce is the best choice.

Perhaps everyone has had emotional catharsis when facing emotional problems. However, after the emotions have calmed down, it is not common for people to deal with problems rationally and analyze problems. And the love "preservative" of this 23-year-old couple is the word "rational". It is precisely because of this unique "preservative" that countless netizens will sigh: "'Mulberry CP' is much sweeter than the 'industrial saccharin' in many film and television dramas." ”