Last week I asked Xu Junyi:
[What is the reason why you don't want to divorce after cheating?]
Other Answers Not Available.
I asked again, "What if your partner wants to divorce so badly that she is willing to give up a certain amount of money for you?"
Then I'll get the idea-
Not getting a divorce is more about not wanting to lose property.
Do you want money? or people?
As a cheater, Xu Junyi cares about money and is not ashamed. Who doesn't care about money? I care about money, otherwise I wouldn't have to do this job, I wouldn't have to charge the consultant for the consultation. (I really thought that if the wealth is free in the future, such as hundreds of millions in the lottery, then I can do some free consultation)
Daydreaming, everyone has a time to fantasize. It's just that all marital cheating must think about a realistic question: do you want money? or people?
If it is a case of dealing with a cheated person, my thinking is very clear - ask for money first and then ask for people, so that both can be kept.
But unlike Xu Junyi, he cheated. Once he chooses to ask for money, it is tantamount to completely tearing apart the last warmth between husband and wife, only reality remains, and his wife can no longer forgive him. Who would forgive a husband who cheated and betrayed him, and then carefully insisted on calculating the money with him?
So for the cheater,
Want money?
Want to get married?
It's a very deliberate choice.
The outcome of the choice directly determines the future of the marriage.
I can't unilaterally decide his life for Xu Junyi, so I asked him which one he wanted, whether he wanted money, or marriage? As a cheater, he didn't have the foundation to have both.
Unless you are determined to protect your marriage,
The money given to the wife can still be counted as the joint property of the husband and wife. (pay attention to the way you give)
Xu Junyi also felt my caution, and he said that he had to think about this question again, and he couldn't answer me for the time being. At this time, it was about two months before the date of my wife's lawsuit, and I left him 1 week to think about it slowly (one-eighth of the time, I think it is long enough).
A week later,
That is, Xu Junyi and I consulted for the second time.
I asked Xu Junyi:
[Have you figured it out now?]
He said he hadn't thought about it yet.
I panicked when I heard his answer, not because he was procrastinating and not thinking about it. Rather, based on my experience, I suspect -
It shouldn't be now,
He didn't break off with Xiao San, did he?
Otherwise, his wife's lawsuit against him will be held in two months, why haven't you thought about it until now?
Xu Junyi probably didn't expect that I would suddenly change the topic and ask him about Xiaosan, but I asked him about his heart.
He said:
[Teacher, I won't hide it from you, the outside promised that as long as I get divorced, even if I leave the house, she is willing to follow me and start from scratch. She and I are very compatible in every way and have a lot of fun together. Now she and her husband are also divorced for this matter, and she asked me to marry her. But I was a little hesitant. I don't know if this marriage should be divorced? If I don't divorce, will my wife and I have a good chance in the future? I see that they all say that cheating is unforgivable, teacher, can you help me analyze and analyze it based on your experience?]
From my point of view,
A woman who cheats in marriage definitely can't want it - today she can betray her husband for you, and tomorrow she can betray you again because of others. The wife must be a good match for the original, anyway, if I were Xu Junyi, I wouldn't marry a mistress even if I got divorced.
Now Xiao San is chasing Xu Junyi, just because her husband doesn't want her anymore because she is divorced. More like grasping a life-saving straw, Xiao San clung to Xu Junyi. If even Xu Junyi doesn't want her anymore, then her betrayal really has no meaning at all. (Everyone abandoned her)
Moreover, Xu Junyi is too optimistic about the current situation:
First, his wife is suing, and he didn't give him a chance to choose between the two women, and second, once Xu Junyi chooses to continue the marriage, it is impossible for the junior to give up and let him go easily. (How could it be that it was also cheating, Xiao San's side was divorced, but Xu Junyi patted his ass and continued the marriage?)
But I don't have the right to decide other people's lives.
I can only help Xu Junyi deal with the part I can see - his [implicit self] is too fragile.
The implicit self is the inner suggestion and experience of "what I can do" and "what am I good at" composed of various feelings, memories and experiences of "me" in a certain type of scene.
If your implicit self is filled with feelings of failure and frustration, then when you are confronted with new, similar situations, they will evoke unpleasant memories in you, which will mobilize your emotional response, causing you to subconsciously choose rejection, avoidance, and fear.
Speaking of the professional term "implicit self",
It's not easy to understand, so let's explain it briefly:
All along, Xu Junyi has been wandering between two women, caught in the middle and angry at both ends. The wife wants to sue for divorce because Xu Junyi has been dragging it out, and she has not been able to make a choice between her and Xiao Sanzhi. (Xu Junyi, his wife, disagreed with the divorce, let him break the three, and he secretly contacted again)
As for Xiao San's side, Xiao San's husband sent a message to scold Xu Junyi when he had nothing to do, and threatened him that he would find someone to beat him.
Long
Xu Junyi is indecisive and powerless in dealing with cheating. As a result, when his wife sues for divorce, it is his turn to decide whether to ask for money or to keep the marriage.
Indecisive and powerless······
But if he doesn't decide, I can't help him. Even if he delays for one day, I have one less day of time to help him change. When it really comes time for him to sue for trial, I won't be able to use even if I have great ability. The facts are already a foregone conclusion, how can there be time to slowly lay out the plan?
So solve Xu Junyi's derailment case,
The first thing is to help him deal with this [indecisive] character, that is, his fragile [implicit self] in the face of derailment I mentioned above.
If you are also an indecisive character,
Or if you always feel that you have a deep sense of exhaustion, frustration, and powerlessness when dealing with cheating, then you may wish to refer to the following exercises. Here's what I designed for Xu Junyi:
1. The first step is to find a notebook and pen and paper;
2. The second step, every time you do something right, record it in a notebook;
3. The content of the record includes: what happened at that time and required you to do it, what was the reason for you to do it, what was the result of doing this, why do you think you did it right, and how do you feel about doing it right?
4. No matter how small the details, I support you to record them. In fact, there are no major events in life, they are all feelings accumulated by trivial details. Slowly, you will accumulate a lot of positive feedback, which is the confidence you don't realize when dealing with things!
5. Then gradually expand, from small details to big decisions, try not to involve others in the things that you can decide yourself. Try to follow your heart, let yourself make decisions, and be determined to implement actions;
6. After a while (about a month), you will have the ability to decide on such a major event as divorce. It's not hard to change habits, it's hard to keep sticking to them!
On the other hand, if you always leave something to someone else to decide, or always procrastinate until there is no room for decision, then it will subtly reinforce the belief that "I can't make a decision", reduce your self-efficacy, and your resistance to threats
That's why I asked Xu Junyi not to delay, for a total of about two months. No waste!
Some cheating marriages are doomed to fail!