What kind of family can raise optimistic and confident children like a little sun| Selected
Author: Luo Bei, the main creative group
I once saw such a scene in a variety show:
The girl Youyou was very depressed because she failed to run for class president.
She concluded that the whole class didn't like me very much.
Because of this failure, she lost interest in other challenges.
When the teacher asked to sprint in pairs to win medals, Youyou said directly:
"I don't want to rush, I don't have confidence. ”
"Anyway, you will fail if you try, so it's better not to work hard. ”
The teacher encouraged her: "You may fail if you work hard, but if you don't work hard, you won't have a chance to succeed at all." ”
Youyou's answer is even more embarrassing:
"God stipulates that you have to work hard? If you don't work hard, you won't work hard, anyway, it's so painful to work hard. ”
Being so negative at such a young age makes people want to ask:
Is it in our nature to be pessimistic or optimistic? Can we save a pessimistic child?
In response to these two questions, Seligman, the father of positive psychology, has already given the answer:
Whether a child is optimistic or not has nothing to do with genetics, but with the parenter's interpretation style.
Optimism can be learned, and parents can help their children learn an optimistic style of interpretation.
Pessimistic parents can't raise optimistic children
The concept of "interpretive style" was coined by Seligman to refer to how people attribute things that happen, especially bad things.
The child will listen carefully to how the parent explains a bad thing:
Are bad things permanent, or are they temporary?
Is the reason for the occurrence specific, or is it universal?
Through learning, children develop their own interpretive styles around the age of 8, when the pessimism or optimism that develops is fundamental.
Take Youyou as an example, there is no influence from her mother behind her personality.
Youyou once said to the teacher:
"My mother was much more miserable than I was when I was a child. ”
"Once, my mother and my uncle were fighting over a piece of cake, and because my uncle was crying, my grandfather beat my mother. ”
"My grandfather was better to my uncle than my mother. ”
Obviously, this is what the mother inadvertently confided in Youyou, which implies Youyou's mother's pessimistic interpretation style.
When I was a child, I fought with my younger brother for a cake and was beaten by my father for no reason, which is certainly an unfair thing, but an optimistic person will say to his daughter:
"Grandpa was very unfair in this matter. (Bad things are specific, not universal)
"I was in a lot of pain. (Pain is temporary, not permanent)
But pessimists will expand the scope of victimization and extend the victimization time indefinitely, just like Youyou's mother thinks: Dad doesn't love me, so my childhood is very painful. I'll never forget it.
In the long run, what Yoyo learned from his mother is that bad things are permanent and hurt everything.
So as soon as he encounters a small setback, Youyou will judge in despair, just like his mother:
"My classmates didn't like me. ”
"The world is not beautiful at all. ”
"It's useless to work hard. ”
Educator Maria Montessori once said: Children are enthusiastic observers and learners, and they are easily attracted by the words and actions of their parents, and then imitate them.
Whether to plant a seed of optimism for our children, or to give our own growth scars to our children, the choice is in our hands.
Optimistic parents are the luck of a child's life
As parents, we are always anxious about how to provide better material conditions for our children and how to plan a smoother development path for our children, but we forget that just being an optimistic parent is enough to benefit our children for a lifetime.
I once saw a video of the war in Syria.
In the video, the father asks his three-year-old daughter: "Do you listen to the sound outside, is it an airplane or a bomb?"
The daughter replied, "It's a bomb!" When the bomb explodes, we have to laugh!"
It turned out that there were bombers whistling past and dropping bombs every day in Syria at that time.
The father was worried about the psychological trauma caused by the war, so he chose to use such a game to dispel the haze for the child.
Being in the midst of war, the child is unfortunate, but fortunately, she has an optimistic father. With a warm smile and white lies, this dad creates a world for his children away from panic and tears.
Qiwei, who graduated from Harvard, said that the contestant Zhan Qingyun's grades in elementary school were not good, and the teacher thought she was incorrigible, and ridiculed her for being a "stupid pig".
Most parents will be anxious and broken down in the face of this situation, but Zhan Qingyun's mother did not close the coffin of her daughter like the teacher.
She encouraged Zhan Qingyun: "I'll go to the master to calculate, and when you reach the fourth grade, your grades will be good!"
When he reached the fourth grade, Zhan Qingyun's grades still didn't improve, so his mother changed his rhetoric: "I'll help you recalculate, and you will definitely become a good student in the second year of junior high school!"
Her mother's optimism infected Zhan Qingyun and made her confident in her future.
From elementary school to high school, Zhan Qingyun has experienced six transfers, from rural areas to small county towns, and then to provincial key high schools. Every time I change schools, I go from being a good student in the previous class to being the worst student in the new class.
But Zhan Qingyun relied on optimism and tenacity to break through all the way, and finally got a doctorate from Harvard and became a lawyer after graduation.
Whether it's his father in the war in Syria or Zhan Qingyun's mother, they seem to be just wrapping up the adversity in their lives with white lies.
But that's at the heart of optimism:
When faced with a bad thing that cannot be changed, adjust the perspective of looking at it.
Even if you encounter harsh criticism, you don't despise yourself, and believe that something good will happen in the future.
Optimistic parents do not give their children the most correct answers and judgments, but give their children the super mentality of having the courage to face adversity and pursue a better future, so that their children can benefit for a lifetime.
As Mark Twain said: An optimistic person can find his way to happiness even when he is in a situation where he has nothing.
Do these 3 points well, so that children can change from pessimism to optimism
We all want our children to grow up happily, and if we realize that our children are already pessimistic, we might as well do these 3 things to guide them.
(1) Do more positive psychological cues
Zhihu's last mother shared a small thing in education.
After the three-day holiday of the Mid-Autumn Festival, the child went to school with his mother.
On the way, the child said that he was a little scared, and his mother corrected: "I haven't been to school for three days, and I am a little excited." ”
Positive psychological cues like this include:
The child blames himself for forgetting to do his homework because he is playful. Say to him, "You've always been pretty disciplined, if you need help, you can tell me." ”
Children who are afraid to try new things can say, "You do everything else very well (for example), this is fine, I believe you." ”
(2) Guide children to "shake the pot moderately"
Pessimistic people like to take all the blame for bad things on themselves.
For example, when a child is criticized by the teacher in front of the whole class, he is very depressed, and his inner thoughts may be, "The teacher criticizes me because I am stupid." ”
At this time, parents can guide you like this: "The teacher may criticize you because he did not control his emotions at that time. ”
People who only blame themselves when they fail often feel worthless.
And people who attribute failures externally tend to be less likely to lose their self-esteem and like themselves more.
(3) Teach children to refute based on facts
When a child encounters a hurdle that cannot be overcome, we can lead the child to have a heated debate with negative emotions.
The child's grades have not improved, and he pities himself and says, "I did really badly in the exam, I should face the truth and admit that I am stupid." ”
At this time, we can teach our children to argue their inner thoughts:
- I didn't do well in the exam, but I wasn't the worst in my class.
- I didn't get the grades I wanted, but I wasn't stupid because I did well somewhere else. (illustrated by example)
- Even if I don't do well in the exam, there are other possibilities in my life. The boat is naturally straight to the bridge, and I always have a way to overcome the difficulties.
Rebuttal with real arguments can boost the child's confidence, and over time, optimism will become an automatic consciousness.
Write at the end
A child's future, whether it is strong or fragile, low self-esteem or self-confidence, seems elusive, but in fact, it is hidden in the education of parents.
A good education is not about blindly pursuing high grades, but about allowing children to learn to have a strong mindset in the face of adversity.
The best education doesn't require a lot of money, just ask your parents to be optimistic about themselves.
After all, money may be squandered and power may gradually disintegrate in a family lineage, but the spirit of optimism can be passed on from generation to generation without loss.