Broken up|Abandoned|Cheated on|Divorced, you need to learn
How to improve|How to recover
Here's a real-life case of my consultation:
Ms. Sun, 43 years old, has been married to her husband for 17 years, has two children, and they run their own business.
She always thought that her husband was a good man in the traditional sense. At the beginning of the year, I didn't expect to find out that he had cheated. Shun Teng, she quickly grasped the basic information of Xiao San, a 25-year-old young girl, beautiful and energetic, she met her husband when he was talking about business, judging from the chat records, this woman is very clingy and knows how to please men.
If that's all it is, that's it, but what she couldn't have imagined was that Xiao San was actually pregnant, and it was already three months old.
Faced with these situations, she broke down and came to me for advice on what to do to recover?
I first reassured her and asked her to find a suitable time to talk to her husband first.
According to the plan, after returning home, after she handed over the child to her in-laws, she asked her husband out alone, put all the evidence in front of him, and asked him to give an explanation. When my husband saw the photo, he was stupid, saying that after knowing that Xiao San was pregnant, he said that he would let Xiao San beat the child, but Xiao San was partial and insisted on giving birth to the child. She was very heartbroken, and once cried bitterly, and finally told her husband that she was willing to divorce and fulfill him and the mistress. (Retreat to advance)
The husband did not agree to the divorce, saying that he was reluctant to have their relationship for many years, and he was reluctant to have a daughter, so he begged Ms. Sun for a whole night, and later offered to transfer all the property to Ms. Sun's name. (Protecting marital assets)
Ms. Sun then asked him if he knew that the child was born into the crime of bigamy and could be sentenced. Her husband was very scared and begged Ms. Sun not to shake this matter out, he didn't want to ruin the rest of his life...... (Under the crisis, give punishment)
In the end, Ms. Sun told him that if he didn't want to make a big deal, he had to settle the pregnancy as soon as possible. (Create a contradiction between a man and a mistress)
At the same time, during the counseling process, Ms. Sun also realized that she had something to grow: because she was too strong and liked to control to gain a sense of security, which made her husband feel uncomfortable, and her husband's emotional control was not mature enough, her heart went outward, and she used cheating to satisfy her lack of value. So Ms. Sun began to take the initiative to ease the relationship with her husband, and even sometimes she could talk and laugh. (Boost yourself, attract husbands)
Of course, Ms. Sun did not give up her vigilance against Xiao San, such as suing Xiao San, and returning the money transferred by her husband.
Xiao San was very devastated, and sent text messages and calls to Ms. Sun's husband every day to ask him to uphold justice, but he persuaded Xiao San to also want to open up, otherwise the child would break the law after birth, and both of them would be in trouble in the future......
More than a month later, under my guidance, Ms. Sun and her husband had an in-depth communication, saying, "I cherish the relationship between us very much, but I don't want to add one more person to the relationship, which will make me difficult to accept, I also know that you and Xiao San have been together for two years, and it is not easy to say that it is not easy to cut off, you think about it carefully, you need to make a choice, and take your own responsibility." ”
Her husband naturally chose to return to the family, because during this time, the junior made trouble and forced him to leave, which completely shattered his illusions about the third son, and the extramarital affair was completely consumed. In the end, Xiao San saw that the upper position was hopeless, and asked for a compensation fee, but Ms. Sun didn't want to leave any troubles, so she readily agreed.
From beginning to end, except for the matter of fighting a lawsuit with Xiao San, Ms. Sun has never looked for San'er alone, and has always asked her husband to solve this problem.
In this case, although Ms. Sun did not confront Xiao San head-on, everything she did accurately hit Xiao San's pain points (asking for property, men are not coerced by children, and they are not given names).
Although everyone's situation is different, this case can help you understand how to solve marital problems.
01
Be clear about your goals and don't be a "slave to emotional control"
What is the most important thing before we do something? is to define our goals. Only in this way can we ensure that "what you want" is guaranteed.
For example, your purpose is to save your husband and your marriage. Well, everything we do should be done around this purpose, and we must not do it by nature. If you don't know how to do it, you should seek professional help.
After Ms. Sun found out that her husband was cheating, she did not make a fuss, but sought our help. Although she also had an emotional breakdown, after the consultation, she not only relieved her emotions, but also had the direction of her next move.
If you are swayed by your emotions, you will only do all kinds of impulsive behaviors (such as beating the mistress, crying to relatives and friends, making trouble with your husband, etc.), which will not only help, but will even completely break down the relationship between husband and wife.
Therefore, in the face of problems, you must not be swayed by emotions and rush to action.
02
Use both hard and soft measures to establish a marriage framework
After setting the goal, what should I do?—— be soft and the man, and establish a marriage framework for him.
"Soft" means:
For example, Ms. Sun cried very sadly in front of her husband, which made her husband see that his wife cared about her, and the damage caused by cheating on his wife, which greatly aroused her husband's sense of guilt.
For example, Ms. Sun's self-growth has supplemented her inner strength, turning "strong" into "soft" and "accusation" into "understanding", actively repairing the relationship between the two, making the family warm and attracting her husband.
At the same time, Ms. Sun did not hurt Xiao San from specific behaviors, such as beating and abusing Xiao San, etc., she only did things to protect her rights and interests, and always stood on the reasonable side.
Of course, "soft" is not enough, there are also many "hard" means:
For example, suing the mistress to get back the money that belongs to him, implying that the husband can sue him for bigamy and aggravating the conflict between the husband and the mistress, negotiating with the husband, you must make a choice, etc.
Such a combination of soft and hard not only protects his own interests, but also establishes a framework for the man, guiding him what to do and how to choose. took advantage of the contradiction between the man and the mistress to make the man and himself unite the front.
Marriage recovery and emotional repair is a systematic project that cannot be achieved overnight. During this period, we must not only learn how to save the marriage, but also learn to grow ourselves to manage the marriage.
If you also encounter marital emotional problems and don't know how to do it, you can talk to me privately.
Wang Siyu
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