As the saying goes, "The tone of a person's speech is more important than the content of his speech." ”
The mild tone makes people feel like a spring breeze and is relaxed, while the bad tone makes people feel resentful and resentful.
There are many ways to improve family happiness, and quitting these 4 bad tones is definitely the top priority.
The tone of the command
People yearn for freedom, and few people want to be the one who is dominated.
Even if they do, they will inevitably be dissatisfied with the distortion of their will and the restriction of their freedom.
If there is dissatisfaction, there will be antagonism; if there is antagonism, it will be easy to produce contradictions; and if there are contradictions, it will be easy to cause conflicts.
Giving orders to family members is tantamount to issuing an invitation to confrontation, and the result will inevitably usher in the most direct and fierce confrontation.
Source: Visual China
In "Why Does Home Hurt", there is such a story.
After retiring, an old general could not change his professional habits, and shouted orders to his relatives when he disagreed, as if he was a commander-in-chief in wartime.
Sometimes, when he was speechless when he was refuted, he became angry and cried out:
"I am a soldier, the head of the family, you all have to obey my orders!"
The aggressive attitude made the relationship between the old general and his family very tense, and his son also inherited his father's character traits, stubborn and disobedient, so the father and son often quarreled, making the family uneasy.
Behind the tone of command, there is often an uncontrollable desire to control, and some people are accustomed to the feeling of being in control, so they simply play the role of leader at home.
It's just that in modern society, no matter how strong and willful a person is outside, it is impossible to be infinitely accustomed to it at home, and he must always restrain his temperament and take care of his family's feelings, otherwise what awaits him will be the breakdown of family relationships.
Both men and women must understand that partners and children are relatively independent beings, and they must maintain the most basic respect for each other.
There is never a relationship between relatives and subordinates, and only when one party calmly makes reasonable suggestions or requests is the other party willing to cooperate in making actions.
Even if the other party does not cooperate, it should not be forced to comply with a tough attitude.
Giving orders at home is tantamount to creating oppression, and there will inevitably be strife.
When a family that should be warm becomes a battlefield filled with gunpowder, then the warmth between relatives will also disappear.
The tone of the rhetorical question
There is such a scene in the TV series "Little Joy".
After Song Qian found out that her daughter Yingzi was skipping school, she was furious, and she began to preach and lose her temper without saying anything.
At first, Yingzi bowed her head and admitted her mistake, saying that she would not do it again, but Song Qian did not restrain herself, but continued to reprimand her daughter.
Seeing that her mother was getting more and more excited, Yingzi panicked and hurriedly defended herself, but this just added fuel to the fire, and Song Qian, who was already red-eyed, was almost crazy, and threw out a series of "rhetorical questions" like bullets, which pierced Yingzi's heart firmly.
"What did I force you to do? I can't do the right thing, right? Do you still have a conscience? ”
"You don't think I'm worthy of being your mother, do you, so why don't you go and be a daughter to someone else?"
"Making a mistake is making a mistake, why don't you reflect at all?"
From Yingzi's point of view, this conversation is almost just a one-sided spiritual slap by Song Qian, originally Yingzi had grievances and guilt in her heart, but under the pressure of her mother, she couldn't bear it anymore, so she simply let it go out and fought with Song Qian to lose both.
From Song Qian's point of view, she just wanted her daughter to reflect on her mistakes, but she didn't admit that she was emotionally out of control, and a few "rhetorical questions" completely detonated a family war.
In daily communication, the tone of rhetorical questions can have the effect of personal attacks.
Why is a rhetorical question aggressive?
Because it is not simply a rebuttal, it also contains disdain and contempt, even sarcasm.
An emotional rhetorical question, the implication is: you are not only wrong, but also ignorant and stupid.
A line from "The Great Gatsby": "When you want to criticize others, know that not everyone has those advantages of yours." ”
Many parents look at their children by the standards of adults, but they do not know that children are inevitably naïve and prone to making mistakes.
Many adults can't be exquisite and flawless on their own, let alone immature children.
To guide children to become talents, the most important thing is to understand and tolerate, not ridicule and attack.
When communicating with family members, especially when it comes to children's education, rhetorical questions should be used sparingly.
Source: Visual China
Impatient tone
Building a good relationship depends on respect.
Maintaining a good relationship requires respect and patience.
Patient parents can be good teachers and friends for their children without losing their dignity.
Impatient parents will only complain and act arbitrarily, becoming a "tyrant" that their children cannot avoid.
Watched a video.
Hu Ke took his son Xiao Yu'er to the supermarket, Xiao Yu'er clung to a toy and wanted to open it, Hu Ke categorically said that he must wait until he paid to open the toy.
Seeing that her mother disagreed, Xiao Yu'er began to cry and fuss, trying to achieve her goal by sprinkling.
However, Hu Ke didn't say anything, just looked indifferently and quietly watched his son crying, without showing any irritability and helplessness.
When Xiao Yu'er's mood returned to normal, Hu Ke slowly spoke and reasoned with his son calmly.
Xiao Yu'er didn't make any more noise, and obediently followed Hu Ke to the cash register.
Compared with adults, children's emotions are richer and more uncontrollable, and many parents always feel helpless in the face of their children's emotional out-of-control, so they have to use simple and crude means to interrupt their children's emotional output.
As a result, the child either reacts more violently, making the scene even more unmanageable, or becomes reticent from then on, allowing the parent-child relationship to slide to a low point.
Really smart parents will neither indulge or spoil their children, nor will they be harsh or suppressed.
They will remain patient, always pay attention to the child's emotional changes, and guide the child to realize his personal wishes in the right and reasonable way, so as to achieve the common growth of parents and children.
Patience and attention are the best gifts parents can give their children.
A complaining tone
Complaining is a chronic poison that will corrode the positive energy in your heart little by little.
No one wants to have a "leakage tank" of grievances around them, and no one will "absorb" a person's grievances unconditionally and without limits.
Complaining is so resentful because the complainer never wants to solve the problem, but simply pushes the blame out.
And the object of complaint is always the party who is condemned and judged, not only to accept the accusation, but also to be urged to "atone".
In fact, the person who made the mistake could have been motivated by guilt to mend his ways, but complaining only erases the guilt and thus stimulates rebellion.
I've seen a case.
A mother is frustrated by her 14-year-old son's boredom with school.
Not long after his son entered junior high school, he became very irritable, not only refusing to communicate, but also always quarreling with his parents, making the family uneasy.
In one fight, the son even pushed his mother out of the door and caused her to fall on the floor of the living room.
The emergence of such a family farce is directly related to this mother's "complaining education".
The way she speaks to her son on a daily basis is this:
"You know how to play all the time, it's so disappointing to me!"
"With such poor results in the midterm exam, are you worthy of your father and mother?"
"How did I raise such a conscienceless child as you. ”
In the face of so many complaints, it is estimated that adults are difficult to handle, let alone a sensitive teenager who is in adolescence.
The mother wanted her son to reflect on it, but in her son's eyes, she was just complaining and didn't care about her feelings at all.
Over time, the son no longer understands his mother, and in order to protect himself, he has to "fight violence with violence".
Fortunately, the mother woke up in time and changed the way of communication, so that the relationship between mother and child was eased.
"Complaining education" may be effective in the short term, but in the long run, it is only at the expense of the parent-child relationship in exchange for superficial harmony.
In the end, parents still accuse their children of being ignorant, and children scold parents for being indiscriminate.
A good family becomes a court in this way.
If parents complain less and understand more, then children can be less hostile and more loving to their parents.
"Complaining education" is poison, and only understanding and tolerance are the antidote to all family conflicts.
Source: Visual China
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Home is a place of rest, not a place of strife.
Home is a place to talk about love, not a place to make enemies.
If you just use your home as a place to vent your emotions, then the warmth of home will be gone.
When you get along with people, you have to talk well, and when you get along with your family, you have to get along with your family.
Family members are treasures that need to be cared for, not personal belongings that can be disposed of.
A home can be full of happy memories or a sad past.
What it looks like depends on whether the people in it are honest and restrained.
When both parties can take care of each other and understand each other, a family can naturally usher in true happiness.
Encourage you.
Author: White Peach Oolong Tea;Source: WeChat public account 富书 (ID: kolfrc).