A few days ago, a colleague complained that the current children are simply unmanageable.
In the past few days, she has quarreled with her son several times.
It's not because the child is playful, or because of his miserable test scores.
But every time I talk to my son, the result is that my colleagues are willing to bow down.
Because the child threatened her with not eating or drinking for a while, running away from home, and threatening to "drop out of school and mix with society" for a while.
Once, in order to watch TV, her son shouted at her: "Leave me alone, I'll jump off the building." ”
As for the parents, they are really afraid that their children will have a good time, and they dare not care anymore.
Source: Visual China
In fact, there are not a few parents like my colleague who are manipulated by their children.
Because of our love for children, we all fall into a kind of "hidden emotional manipulation".
Children compromise when they make trouble, back down when they cry, the bottom line changes back and forth, and the principles come and go.
In the end, there was no sense of order in the family, and parents were anxious and powerless.
As the saying goes, the love of parents is far-reaching.
Compromise is never the way, and ruthless discipline is the true love for children.
Why are you being pinched by children?
There is a very heart-wrenching saying: "After having a child, a mother becomes the most timid person in the world." ”
From the moment the child falls to the ground, the parents begin a long and arduous journey.
We are worried about the safety of our children, we care about their joys and angers, and we hate to become superhuman and help our children carry everything.
And this eager love also makes the child gradually realize that he is the weakness of his parents.
As a result, at a young age, they learned to "talk about conditions" with their parents without a teacher.
If I play with my mobile phone, I will eat obediently, and take me to the playground to study hard;
Don't talk to me if you don't let me go out to play, don't let me listen to your ......
I believe that when a child makes an unreasonable request, few parents will immediately agree.
But the reality is that we may not have the time to maneuver, the patience to communicate, and the ruthlessness to make children suffer.
Take my own example.
My son is 10 years old, energetic and quirky.
Every night, I was so greedy that I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted, and I just wanted to rest quickly.
In order to coax him to bed early, I had to compromise and keep agreeing to his "small conditions".
For example, buy a new handicraft, watch more TV on the weekend, and don't go to the next interest class......
I also know that this is not good, but I am too tired, and I am worried that my child will not sleep enough to affect his learning the next day.
Rather than reasoning hard and doing it aggressively, I am more willing to exchange my children's "obedience" in a "compromise" way.
Because only in this way can the problem be solved quickly.
Source: Visual China
In fact, the situation of being "pinched" by children is much the same.
It is often at the expense of principles and bottom lines in exchange for the cooperation of children.
Saw a video on the Internet.
A girl asked her father to buy her a new mobile phone, and after being rejected, she sat in the sun on a hot day.
He also said: "If I can't get a new phone today, I'll burn myself." ”
At first, her father angrily reprimanded her.
But after an hour of stalemate, the father was really afraid that the child would suffer from heat stroke, so he took his daughter to the store and bought a new mobile phone.
I have to admit that after having children, parents have become temperless and soft-hearted. I know that I can't get used to it, but I only have to be taken care of.
At the end of the day, it is nothing more than the emotional balance, and the nature of loving children has become the weight of the other party.
What is even more regrettable is that the parents' concessions are only temporary for the children to listen.
After all, when a child leaves the house, no one is as accustomed to him as his parents.
If you can't handle the baby, naturally someone will help you handle it
The other day, I read a report.
In the article, Xiao Huang, a 19-year-old boy, left his hometown and dropped out of school to work before graduating from junior high school.
But as soon as he worked in the factory for a day, he broke down and cried.
His job is not complicated, but he uses a screwgun to screw the screws onto the phone.
But the screw gun weighs a few pounds, and it is very difficult to hold it, and the screw is only half a grain of rice, and it will fall off when you shake it.
During the whole process, not only did no one help, but the supervisor scolded him at every turn.
After a few days of work, he quit his job, put all his belongings in a bucket, and continued to look around for work.
Xiao Huang laughs at himself as a "bucket bearer", but the bitterness and confusion behind this are probably the only ones he knows.
But he can't blame others, his parents and elders have advised him to study hard, and he himself has to go out to make money "to die or live".
Now, after learning the lesson, he finally understands that in this world, only his parents can't do anything about him.
Yes, children can handle their parents, but after they get out of the house, who can they handle?
Parents are willing to compromise, but in society, who is willing to let whom?
Source: Visual China
On Zhihu, there is a popular Q&A.
"What happened to the children who were used to growing up?"
Netizen @Afei's answer caused a lot of resonance.
He said: "Growing up, my parents never dared to mess with me, and they listened to me in everything. But whenever I cried, they panicked. So, all along, I didn't want to study, I didn't learn, I did whatever I wanted. But now, I have no education, no ability, I can't find a job, I can't talk to someone, and I'm a 'social waste'. ”
You see, this kind of child who can control his parents can only be manipulated by life when he grows up.
You can't get down the ruthlessness, others can, you are reluctant to let the child suffer, and you are willing to live.
The educator Makarenko said:
"Giving everything to the child, sacrificing everything for the sake of the child, this is the most terrible gift a parent can give to a child. ”
You must know that when it comes to treating children, your accommodation is not tolerance, and your compromise is not love.
You may say, "I'm not spoiling, I just can't help it." ”
But the consequences of "being manipulated" and doting and indulgence are no different.
All of them let children grow up wantonly and savagely, and they will make them suffer in the future.
The education community agrees that all the problems of children are the problems of parents.
At home, the root problem of spoiled children is still with their parents.
If we don't want our children to be manipulated by others, we can't be parents who are manipulated.
If you don't want to be taken care of by the baby, you just have to do it
In a parent-child activity, I encountered such an incident.
That day, the boy Doudou and Miao Miao got together to play games.
Half an hour later, Doudou's mother snatched the phone and shouted at the child:
"You're not here to play games!"
Subsequently, Doudou began to make trouble, crying and saying that if he didn't play with his mobile phone, he would go home immediately.
In order for Doudou to cooperate, the mother had to soften down and negotiate conditions with the child.
After a while, I agreed that after the activity, I could continue to play with my mobile phone, and after a while, I agreed to have a big lunch and buy toys.
In contrast, Miao Miao's mother's approach is very admirable.
Miao Miao's mother did not stop her son immediately, but whispered beside her:
"We said that we can't look at our phones for more than half an hour every day, and we won't be unruly. ”
"You also know that if you look at your phone for a long time, your eyes will break, and you definitely don't want to wear big glasses in the future. ”
"Let's join the activities together, like an adventure, and see if we can find any fun. ”
In fact, when her mother finished the first sentence, Miao Miao put away her mobile phone.
It turns out that not wanting to be pinched by children is far less difficult than imagined.
We only need to do the following three things well, and we can turn passive into active.
Source: Visual China
1. Parents keep the bottom line, children follow the rules.
There is a passage in "Courage to Discipline":
"If there is a railing on the edge of the cliff, then people dare to lean against the railing and look down because they are not afraid of falling. If there were no railings, everyone would have stopped at a great distance from the cliff, let alone stood on the edge of the cliff and looked down. ”
The sense of security comes from the railing, and the railing is the rule.
In the family, whether the child has a deep sense of security and whether the rules can be adhered to depends on whether the parents have a bottom line.
You must know that things that involve principles cannot form an exchange relationship with children.
If you promise your child pocket money for completing his homework, what if you can't give him the reward next time he asks for a reward?
Therefore, parents must first keep the bottom line before they can let their children abide by the rules.
2. Parents will communicate, and conflicts will not intensify.
Why do we get angrier and angrier every time we talk to our children?
Just like the Doudou mother above, a few words can anger the child and force the child to use a killer move.
The reason is that we all start with ourselves, and we have only one purpose - to make children obedient.
But look at Miao Miao's mother, how does she guide her child step by step?
She starts from the child's point of view and asks him to think about what kind of person you want to be, how it affects you, and what is the better way to do it.
Parents can speak and guide, so as to give their children upward strength.
3. Parents have majesty, and rewards and punishments should be clear.
Have you ever agreed with your child on some "reward and punishment terms"?
For example, what is the reward for completing homework and getting good grades, and what is the punishment for getting into trouble and doing something wrong.
Or, imitate the ancients to make a house rule, and then solemnly print it out and paste it at home.
We thought that we could look like our elders in front of our children and achieve the purpose of education through rewards and punishments.
But in fact, when children cry and play tricks, too many parents can't bear to punish, but use excessive rewards to appease.
Don't be soft-hearted when it's time to punish, so that you can change from passive to active.
Write at the end
Parents are the most important travel companions in their children's life journey.
Our relationship with our children has never been-for-tat, let alone who holds whom.
The purpose of living together is to work together to become better people.
Education is a flexible "cotton force".
If you just show weakness without principle, you are lacking strength in education.
Only by combining rigidity and softness can we use ingenuity to conform to the rhythm of children's growth.
May our relationship with our children be a wonderful experience, not a war to win or lose.
Encourage parents and friends.
Author: Jin Shanyue;Source: WeChat public account New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy).