A psychologist in the United States has discovered a mental illness called "pleasing disease", which refers to the phenomenon of "good old people" in life.
From a psychological point of view, this kind of good person is unable to say "no" to others, they have a blurred sense of boundaries, and often do not realize that others have crossed the line.
What follows is a gradual loss of personality, lack of assertiveness, and finally a person who "responds to requests".
There are many such people in life, they have a cowardly personality, are afraid of rejecting others, and are always accustomed to "responding to requests" in exchange for trust and recognition.
In the end, it ended up being thankless.
It turns out that a person's biggest misunderstanding is "responding to requests".
"Responsiveness" is the cheapest kindness
Sometimes, "being responsive" is not a good interaction in relationships, but the cheapest kindness.
Do you have anyone like this around you?
In order to obtain good interpersonal relationships, he put his posture very low, but he was despised and disliked by others;
In order to get the approval of others, he keeps squeezing himself, but he can't get the slightest gratitude from others.
Such people live a very tiring life, they often feel physically and mentally exhausted, struggling to move forward, and eventually fall into a chaotic cycle of life.
Chen Xinyi in the TV series "Fated I Love You" is impressive.
Chen Xinyi is recognized as a post-it note girl in everyone's eyes.
Because she has no boundaries and doesn't know how to refuse, she has gradually become a free labor force in the workplace, and everyone naturally entrusts her with all the chores.
At work, some colleagues asked her to help with printing, some asked her to help make coffee, and some asked her to help work overtime.
She is "responsive" to everyone, and her desk is plastered with various to-do lists.
Trivial matters are piled up on the desk, and every day is busy like a spinning top.
However, such a dedication will still be complained by her colleagues, so she has to nod her head and say sorry with a smile.
Chen Xinyi fell into this unequal relationship like this, and subconsciously didn't want to disappoint others, so she could only keep squeezing herself.
But blindly pleasing others often makes you feel wronged, because free means cheap.
The psychologist said: "The root of the 'pleasurable disease' is that we want to please everyone, but we don't value ourselves. ”
There is a line in the TV series "Thirty Only": "A person who doesn't know how to refuse, all your acceptance is cheap." ”
After all, in the adult world, who would respect someone who comes and goes at a moment's notice?
In life, not every relationship is worth maintaining, and not every voice is worth listening to.
Therefore, don't let your selflessness fuel the selfishness of others.
Don't let "being responsive" turn into the cheapest kindness.
It has been said, "When you care about what others think, the center of the world is elsewhere, but when you focus on your own thoughts, the center of the world is yourself." ”
If a person wants to have a long-term and good interpersonal relationship, he relies on mutual respect and empathy, not swallowing his anger without a bottom line.
Only by improving one's own cognition, no longer being easily disturbed by the outside world, and no longer falling into cheap currying, can we escape the shackles of "responding to requests".
Source: Visual China
The fool responds to his request, and the wise dare to say "no"
People who "respond to requests" suffer a lot in interpersonal relationships, and they seem to be firmly trapped by an invisible net in family relationships.
I read a story on the Internet:
The girl Xiaoyuan was born in a patriarchal family, and since she was a child, her parents instilled in her ears the idea that girls are useless in studying, and that if you are an older sister, you should help your younger brother.
For this reason, she dropped out of school early to enter the society and work to make money.
At the request of her parents, the rest of the money earned by Madoka had to be handed over to the family except for living expenses.
And the younger brother's academic performance is very poor, and after dropping out of school, because he has his sister to support him, he becomes idle.
Later, Madoka got married, but her parents still didn't know how to restrain herself.
In the end, at the request of her mother, Madoka bought a wedding house for her younger brother with the money they had worked hard to save behind her husband's back.
Her husband divorced her in a fit of rage, but her parents refused to take her in on the grounds that "the married daughter spilled the water".
Madoka never dreamed that she would give everything for her family, but in the end she could only live on the streets.
In fact, it was Madoka's responsiveness that made her family a matter of course.
In comparison, Zhu Zhe in the TV series "Ode to Joy" can be called sober in the world.
At the age of 16, Zhu Zhe went out to work to provide for his younger brother and sister to go to school.
But the family only knows how to ask for it, and is never grateful.
Later, his mother wanted Zhu Zhe to buy a house for his younger brother who graduated from college, but Zhu Zhe decisively refused.
The younger brother angrily scolded her for not recognizing her six relatives, regardless of whether her family lived or died, and Zhu Zhe said that she gave up her studies and lost her future in order to support her family, and she had done her best to provide for her younger siblings to go to college, and she would not give them a penny in the future.
The more stupid people are, the more they want to maintain family ties through "responding to requests", so as to get the affirmation of their families.
But the more this happens, the more you are coerced by fate and fall into the trap of being at the mercy of others.
Feng Tang said: "Only by daring to be yourself and daring to express yourself can you stand firm in your position and live your own pattern in this chaotic world." ”
Acquaintance Wisdom, Self-Knowledge.
A truly wise person has the power to know right from wrong, has principles, and has the power to decisively reject others, and is more able to perceive the truth of the world and break through the web woven by secular prejudices.
Source: Visual China
Don't let embarrassment hurt you
Haruki Murakami said: "Don't be too well-behaved, you can refuse what you don't want to do, and pretend not to hear if you don't like it, your life is not used to please everyone, but to be kind to yourself." ”
Don't let embarrassment hurt you, the following 3 tips, I hope it can help you.
1. Establish a clear bottom line
In life, some people dare not refuse the requirements of others, and always swallow their anger and hold on, and finally let themselves fall into a dilemma beyond their strength.
There is a very heart-wrenching saying on the Internet: other people's attitude towards us depends on ourselves.
If you are too soft-hearted and too easy to compromise, you will often only make the other party worse and let yourself be manipulated.
Instead of humbly pleasing others, it is better to be clear about your bottom line from the beginning.
As Feng Jicai said: "Only by keeping the bottom line can a person achieve a successful self and a successful life." ”
Get along with each other to a certain extent, and it is dangerous to cross the line, only by showing your bottom line can both parties maintain a decent place.
2. Reject moral kidnapping
Have you ever been in a situation like this:
"Anyway, if you go by the way, you will rub your car when you commute to and from work in the future. "Anyway, your family is rich, so help your family more!"
These people who are comfortable asking for you are the so-called "moral kidnapping", as long as you refuse the slightest, you will immediately be "verbally criticized" by the other party.
Reasoning at this point will only provoke their anger, and we can think of some clever and efficient ways to refuse.
For example, if someone asks you to do something, you will have to stand on the moral high ground and condemn it.
You can agree first, and take the opportunity to tell the other person about your difficulties and ask the other party to do you a bigger favor.
If the other person refuses, you can condemn the other person in turn.
When others find that they can't take advantage of you, or even have to pay more, they will retreat.
Refuse moral kidnapping, and throw back the problem that the other party threw at you, but you can successfully break the game.
3. Raise awareness and make informed decisions
There is a classic theory in psychology: the theory of personal constructs.
It means that when a person's cognition is low, the thinking tends to be monolithic, inflexible, and difficult to make favorable decisions in life.
And raising awareness is the best way to get rid of rotten people.
Only by taking the initiative to learn, thinking deeply, and looking at problems from multiple perspectives can it be possible to change the trend of life.
Raising awareness allows us to move away from superficiality and stubbornness, and to see the essence of the problem so that we can make the most informed decisions.
Source: Visual China
Rhonda Byrne said, "Everything that happens in your life is what you attract." ”
It is precisely because the responsive person puts his posture too low that he attracts people who love to take advantage of him to take advantage of and dominate him.
Instead of blindly chasing the approval of others and paying for the desires of others, it is better to spend your time improving yourself.
No more groveling for unworthy relationships, no more questioning yourself for the eyes of others.
All people are created equal, and only by learning to refuse can we live without being entangled.
For the rest of your life, stay away from the people who consume you, so that you can usher in a turning point in your life.
Author: Smurfs, meet a more transparent self.