In 1956, Eileen Chang, the brilliant writer, was suffering greatly alone. She swallowed the abortion pill, and the tearing pain was almost unbearable. The sheets were soaked with sweat from her clenched hands, and she rolled over on the bed, and finally, almost in despair, cried out, "Finally down." ”
In 1955, Zhang Ailing, at the age of 34, had experienced the ups and downs of her life, and her career had fallen into a trough. She decided to go to the United States in hopes of starting over. However, things didn't go her way. In the United States, her career did not improve, and life became difficult. In the most difficult moment, she even sought Hu Shi's help, but Hu Shi was also in a difficult situation and could not give her enough support.
In desperation, Zhang Ailing lived in a literary and artistic rescue camp. Here, she met a person who was closely connected to her life - Laiya. Lai Ya is more than 30 years older than her, with a lively personality, although she is old, she has a unique charm, and his presence has brought Zhang Ailing a long-lost happiness.
In this strange foreign land, Lai Ya gave Zhang Ailing a rare warmth and comfort. Two months later, Lai Ya took the initiative to break the peace between the two, and he expressed his emotions to Zhang Ailing. For Zhang Ailing, who longs for warmth, Lai Ya's appearance is like a ray of light. Although their financial situation is not ideal, they are all deeply happy. However, the happiness did not last long.
Six months later, Zhang Ailing was horrified to discover that her body was abnormal. She prayed in fear not to get pregnant, but the truth was cruel. She was really pregnant. Faced with this sudden life, Zhang Ailing and Lai Ya had a disagreement. Laiya believes that they are not capable enough to raise their children, and that children will become a burden to them. Zhang Ailing was entangled in her heart, although she knew that if she gave up this child, she would never have a chance to become a mother again, but at Lai Ya's insistence, she finally chose to listen to his advice. Instead of going to the hospital, Zhang Ailing just swallowed the abortion pill at home.
At that moment, her heart was filled with fear and unease. After the effects of the drug took hold, the pain hit her like a tidal wave, and she rolled and struggled on the bed, the pain reaching deep into her bone marrow. Time seemed to be stretched, and it was a long time before I heard her almost desperate cry: "Finally down." Lai Ya comforted Zhang Ailing softly: "My dear, don't worry, it'll be fine." After a long period of inner struggle, Zhang Ailing finally swallowed the drug.
Suddenly, a sharp pain came from her stomach that made her roll on the bed, sweat on her forehead. She looked at Lai Ya in horror, her voice trembling: "Am I going to die?" Lai Ya held her hand tightly, her gaze was firm: "Honey, you have to believe me, it's going to be fine." After struggling for a while, Zhang Ailing suddenly felt something slip out of her body, and her stomach was no longer so painful. She breathed a tired sigh of relief: "It's finally down." ”
Then, the weak Zhang Ailing struggled to get up and saw the newborn baby. It was a boy. She wrote about this child in the novel "Little Reunion", and he failed to keep it. And as she wished, she married Raiya. There is an age gap of 30 years between them, but Zhang Ailing feels that Laiya has brought her a long-lost sense of security. Although Lai Ya does not have the ability to make money, he has always been gentle and considerate to Zhang Ailing. They live in the suburbs and live a plain life. They often go for walks, watch movies, and go hand in hand to buy household items. However, due to old age and infirmity, Lai Ya fell ill within a few years of marriage.
He suffered two strokes, which left him paralyzed. He was worried that Zhang Ailing would leave him, but Zhang Ailing did not. She never left him and took him with her wherever she went. In order to make ends meet, Zhang Ailing worked hard to write, but in the end she was tired of her eyes.
Ten years later, Lai Ya left this world, and Zhang Ailing was only 45 years old. She has every option to remarry and start a new life. But she chose to live alone until her death. She was found a full week after her death. Sometimes she thinks that if she hadn't given up on that child back then, maybe she would have something to rely on when she was old.
But her relationship with her mother has always been conflicted, and she worries that she will not be a qualified mother either. So, she chose to face the ups and downs of life alone.
Eileen Chang, the world-famous writer, has countless moving stories flowing through her pen, however, her personal life is like a poignant tragedy, and people always feel sad. This sadness is actually a heavy mark brought by her original family. Zhang Ailing was born in a feudal family, her mother ran away and her father remarried, she endured the fragmentation of the family and the weakness of family affection early. At an early age, she was deprived of her mother's love and lived with her father. 's father is a stubborn and old-fashioned person, and his discipline of Zhang Ailing is very strict, even a little cruel. Growing up in such an environment, Zhang Ailing's personality became sensitive and introverted, and her heart was full of sadness and helplessness. In her works, there is no lack of discussion of family and family affection.
For example, in "Red Roses and White Roses", she portrays complex and contradictory family relationships, revealing the influence of family on human nature. In "Eighteen Spring", she directly described the tragedy of a woman who chose to compromise because of family pressure. These works are full of deep grief and helplessness, and also reflect Zhang Ailing's own understanding and experience of family and affection.
Therefore, when we look back on Zhang Ailing's sad life again, we should not only see the glory and brilliance of a generation of writers, but also the original family full of bitterness and helplessness behind her. Her sadness is actually the dilemma and challenge that each of us may face. In the family, we may also encounter injustices and hurts, and these experiences can become shadows for the rest of our lives. But it is these experiences that shape our unique character and emotions, and also give us a deeper understanding of human nature and life.