Recently, I was reading Mr. Luo Xiang's "Circle of Justice", and there was a sentence in it that made me feel enlightened:
"Love should always feel indebted, and guests should be hospitality. ”
However, many people like to do the opposite, trying not to feel indebted:
If you give me an apple, I will give you an orange at once;
When someone goes to dinner and asks if they want to help you pack, you want it but still say "don't bother";
When you encounter difficulties, you can break the situation by finding someone to do your best, but you can't open this mouth;
The fear of being entertained, the more welcoming others are, the more you feel like you're on pins and needles, and you desperate to escape......
"Deficit" seems to be a very uncomfortable state for them.
It seems like a smart move to end this state with "no debt".
But on the other hand, it may also cut off the possibility of a good relationship.
Today, One Psychology would like to talk to you about:
Is mutual debt a good means of warming up emotions?
Li Xueqin gave a speech in "@青春, 2022!".
One of the passages about her not daring to owe others touched me:
"My biggest request in life is not to cause trouble to others.
So I almost never ask for help, and I think it's a noble character.
Then I took a psychology class, and the teacher told us:
An effective way to strengthen friendships is to make requests to others.
I realized that the relationship between people is originally a process in which you trouble me and I trouble you. ”
Many times, "unwillingness to owe" will distance oneself from others.
This type of person may experience three states in his heart:
1. High psychological defense.
Everyone feels comfortable with a different sense of boundaries and scales.
Some people like to kiss and hug all day long, and some people feel "out of bounds" when they shake hands.
The latter has a higher psychological defense, but this is not necessarily a bad thing, and a high psychological defense can minimize the damage to the outside world.
If you don't owe others, you won't cause trouble for yourself;
After being helped by others, try your best to repay it, and you will not be said to be "stingy" behind others' backs;
If you are polite to anyone, you will not be regarded as a "wronged leader".
In social situations, people with high psychological defenses have stricter criteria for selecting friends.
They hate superficial relationships and find it difficult to make new friends quickly;
It will also give the other party greater emotional pressure, making others feel that "TA is a bit cold" at first impression.
But they know very well what they want, and will secretly observe whether a person is worthy of deep friendship and grasp the social initiative.
Once you identify the other person, you will open your heart and be sincere.
2. Pseudo-alienation.
I once read an article that described this type of person's relationship with others as a "plastic wrap type of relationship".
They crave intimacy in their hearts, but when they are close to others, they need to be separated by a safe "membrane" so that they will not be anxious.
For example, they are reluctant to borrow money, feeling that once they talk about money in a relationship, the relationship is not pure.
"Relationships without talking about money" are the "membranes" of them, and when establishing relationships with people, such people always carry a lot of these premises:
"Must AA", "Can't borrow money", "Don't give gifts......
Each premise is like a step.
Although it is convenient for yourself, socializing is easy and effortless;
But it also sets too many thresholds and obstacles for others to enter their hearts.
3. Dependence on incompetence.
There is a question on Zhihu:
What is the psychology of never being willing to trouble others?
One of the highly praised answers was:
This kind of person is afraid of being rejected by others, and he is afraid of causing trouble to others. ”
From a psychological point of view, this is actually a manifestation of counter-dependency. This type of person has a fear of relying on others.
Because they are afraid of indebtedness to others, they often feel that they cannot be trusted by anyone but themselves.
This is not necessarily because the people around them are unreliable and unhelpful;
It may also be that they have found a reason for themselves to avoid relying on others with peace of mind.
The reason why I am so afraid of dependence is not because I hate making friends.
It's more about disgust with the shame that comes with the thought of wanting to depend on others.
As a result, they tend to avoid interpersonal interactions. That is to say, it is better that you are you, I am me, I don't owe you, and you don't owe me.
For them, it seems that only by avoiding your back and forth can they prove their independence and strength.
Because it is difficult to establish a real emotional connection with others, they often have a deep sense of loneliness and emptiness in their hearts.
This kind of inability to rely on and owe others is essentially a manifestation of one's own sense of deprivation and a lack of trust, which is related to the individual's neglect by parents and other significant others in childhood or growing up.
In our traditional culture, "human interaction" is often regarded as a conventional rule.
But for those who don't want to be indebted, this rule can be a nuisance.
For example, old classmates know that you are traveling to this city, so they have to give you a warm welcome.
No matter how you refuse them, they are very insistent, and you don't want to go before you go out.
But think about it: what if you really let the other person be treated?
There are three possible benefits:
First, get closer.
I have a friend who loves to travel and make friends.
Every time she goes to a city and meets every friend, she will accurately say the birthday of the other party.
Once I asked her curiously, "Why are you so good at keeping birthdays?"
She said: "I have thought about giving small gifts to others, but some people don't like to owe and may feel a little tired of dealing with me; ”
Over the years, she has sent hundreds of birthday wishes.
Some have no echo, while others bring opportunities:
No matter which city she travels to, there are always people who have only met her a few times, treat her as a good friend, and then come and go and become real friends.
I was one of them, and she made me feel:
"Even if we haven't seen each other for many years and hardly chat, I will remember her love for her when she remembers my birthday. I didn't actually put her at ease, but she remembered my birthday and put me at ease, which made me feel a little indebted. If I have the chance, I must treat her and have a good chat with her. ”
It can be said that she used a little "small debt" to subtly warm up interpersonal relationships.
Second, relieve stress.
Psychologist Susan Pinker argues:
When we come into contact with others, even if it's just superficial, the brain is activated.
If the other person makes us feel good, the brain secretes the pleasurable oxytocin, which weakens stress levels.
However, how can you come into contact with people?
Today you owe me, tomorrow I owe you.
In this way, the shallow social interaction creates opportunities for us to contact each other.
Third, build a high-quality social support system.
High-quality interpersonal relationships, with several key characteristics:
Open and genuine, caring and considerate, secure and trusting.
These characteristics do not necessarily have to be achieved through mutual indebtedness.
But a high-quality relationship must also be a relationship that can afford to be indebted.
For example, in a high-quality relationship, if I give you an apple today, you don't have to return a pear right away.
We get along comfortably, I really hope you are well, you don't care about this apple;
And you won't be nervous about the debt, because you trust me to hurt you.
In such a relationship, there is another expression of indebtedness: support.
In a high-quality relationship, mutual debt = mutual support.
You give me apples, and I wish them well;
I'll give you pears and support you unconditionally.
People with the words "I wish you well" and "I believe you won't hurt me" are able to convey their hearts, get closer together, and achieve each other by owing each other something they owe each other.
Speaking of which, some of you may have realized that:
If we are less nervous and sensitive about our attitude towards indebtedness.
Owing each other can actually be a source of self-strength and help us become a better version of ourselves.
But how can we easily cope with our indebtedness?
First, adjust your mindset.
Don't think of mutual indebtedness as a homework lesson in relationships, but as a way to achieve your goals more efficiently.
For example, when you need help, ask or ask others for help and learn some lessons from it.
Then when others need help, you can also help them as much as you can, warm each other and learn Xi.
Returning favors is only secondary, and it is more important to help each other get through the difficulties.
This kind of mentality allows you to rely on the other person moderately without generating too much pressure.
Then, set a degree in your heart.
Let's take an analogy of the common "borrowing money" problem:
"How much debt can I accept?"
"Suppose someone asks me to borrow money, how close is the relationship before I am willing to borrow?"
For example, 10% of my total assets is the upper limit of what I can borrow. ”
"If I'm afraid that the money won't come back, what prerequisites do I need to prepare, such as writing an IOU?"
"Is there something I can't owe? For example, I just don't want to talk about money in a relationship, but I'm willing to help. ”
Setting this degree is also a deep exploration of one's own heart.
Think about how your relationship patterns are formed, and why do you have a strong sense of boundaries?
Why am I nervous, self-blaming, and what am I afraid of when I ask for help?
How can I adjust myself so that I feel safe and at the same time make others feel more comfortable with me?
Finally, be mentally prepared for conflict.
You may come across these people:
only ask for but do not pay, deliberately do not return your favor;
I think you are petty and give too little feedback;
Overly dependent on you, asking you to worry about him;
I have a strong sense of boundaries, and I'm worried about what you're trying to figure out what to do......
Everyone has their own familiar relationship patterns, and it is not uncommon for friction to arise because of their differences.
It is also mentioned in the book "Moderate Dependence":
Asking for help from others without feeling guilty is actually a state of good adaptation.
Someone who can adapt to relationships as a whole, including adapting to friction with you, needs to:
1. Have a deeper understanding of the relationship, and think more about how to achieve a win-win situation;
2. The motivation for growth is relatively strong, and it is recognized that mutual indebtedness is an effective means of growth;
3. Have emotional synergy, do not feel ashamed when relying on others, but feel that you can do it and be confident;
4. Have relational flexibility, and be able to distinguish when to ask for help from others and when to deal with it yourself.
Mastering these four tips may not be easy at first.
But as we gain more and more experience, we will become more and more unafraid of indebtedness.
Our network will also expand from a narrow world to a large world with a lot of strong support.
The poet John Dunn wrote in his Meditations:
"There is no one like an island, alone in the sea;
Each person is like a small piece of dirt, connected to the whole land. ”
Owing each other is such a connection:
Share what you have in your hands with everyone;
By owing each other and sharing with each other, they will eventually be connected into a vast continent.
In this way, people become each other's help.
Immersed in your own world, you never owe anything to others, although you are simply happy;
But I hope that in the most helpless and darkest moments, you will be brave enough to say "help me", and someone will immediately respond to you with "I am here".
The world and I love you.
Source: One Psychology
Editor: Wang Na
Editor in charge: Niu Dong