The material conditions are so good, why do some children be lazy and lazy all day long, "bored" and "lying flat" at every turn?
Why do children either procrastinate or get irritated when it comes to Xi?
Adolescent children are always a headache, especially when it comes to Xi, the whole body is full of backbones.
Parents do their best, reward and punish, coax and deceive, and reason...... Tossing myself and the child, I still feel that the child is lazy, procrastinating, and the more I spur, the more immobile, and even lying flat and rotten, giving up Xi school.
So, what exactly can be done to raise a "self-motivated" child?
The "self-determination theory" proposed by American psychologists Deci Edward L. and Ryan Richard fundamentally answers this question: we must strive to meet people's three psychological needs - autonomy, competence, and connection, in order to enhance people's internal motivation and promote the internalization of external motivation. This also provides us with ideas on how to get children from "being pushed" to "self-pushing".
01
Give your child a "sense of control" and he needs you to let go
There was once a case of psychological counseling:
After graduating from college, a young man doesn't do anything, he stays at home every day, eats instant noodles, plays games, doesn't work and doesn't interact with people.
His mother dragged him to see a psychiatrist and found that the problem was with his father, who had been dead for many years. His father was a very controlling man who would interfere in whatever he did. From choosing interest classes and making friends, to which school to apply for, my father has the final say.
And after his father died suddenly, he had no direction and became what he is now.
The opposite of education is manipulation, and children who are bound by the "third hand" have no freedom, no motivation, and no difficulty standing on their own.
Gibran's poem "Your Child Is Not Your Child" reads:
"Thou art the bow, and the sons and daughters are arrows from thee.
The archer looks at the target on the road ahead,
With all his might, he pulled his bow apart, making his arrows shoot fast and far.
Bend with joy in the hands of the archers,
Because he loves arrows that fly all the way, and he loves bows that are incomparably stable. ”
This poem awakens many parents: your children are not "your" children, they do not belong to you, but to themselves.
In the parenting concept of the previous generation, "control" appeared without a trace: "boys should be strong and not cry", "girls should learn to dance", and this parenting style was invisibly passed on to this generation of parents. Parents are satisfied with their "sense of control", but the "sense of control" of their children is gone.
An online teacher shared a story about his child coming home one day and saying they didn't know where to go for summer camp, so he went home and asked them.
The teacher sensed that the child did not believe in him, so he told his son, "You can do it yourself." When you grow up, this kind of thing can be done, and we believe in you. ”
When a child is unsure of what he can do, has no intrinsic motivation to do things, or uses virtual scenarios such as games to try to gain self-confidence, this is a warning to parents that the child has no sense of control over his life and is gradually losing himself.
Therefore, we should give children the opportunity to experience the life they want to live, so that children have a sense of control, so that they can have the spontaneous motivation to learn Xi and explore the direction of life.
In "Self-Driven Growth for Boys", Dr. Adam Price offers parents two basic principles and methods for developing a sense of control in their children:
1. Principles to follow in raising children: Let children solve problems on their own
Turn "what can I do for my child" into "what he can do for himself", and let him try boldly while ensuring his child's safety.
For example, you could make a list of the things you do for your child during the week, think about which children can do them independently, and then let them do it on their own.
2. Give the child autonomy, starting with these 5 points
1) Let the child choose
2) Be a bystander parent
3) Let the child express his own opinions and respect his independent thinking
4) Allow the child to raise objections
5) Do scaffolding, not high-rise buildings. Give your child just the right amount of support, not build a building for him.
Dr. Heim Ginot once said,
"Do not deny the child's experience, do not refute his feelings, do not deny his wishes, do not ridicule his character, do not belittle his ideas, do not slander his personality, do not doubt his experience. On the contrary, all of them, we have to admit. ”
If you want your child to be intrinsically motivated, parents must let go, let the child make his own decisions, and let the sense of control return to the child himself.
02
Enhance children's "sense of ability" and cultivate a growth mindset
Why do many children procrastinate and give up when they encounter difficulties?
In the words of educator Dr. Jane Nelson, "A child who misbehaves is a child who has lost confidence." ”
Just like adults, they may unconsciously avoid difficulties in work and life because they are afraid of failure. So for a child who does not have a self, not knowing a question or answering a question incorrectly in class may make them fall into self-doubt.
Especially for boys, because they can't express their emotions safely, they have only 2 ways to deal with self-doubt and incompetence: one option is to withdraw, and the other is anger and rebellion.
According to the "iceberg theory" of psychologist Sigmund Freud, the corner of an iceberg is the challenging behavior we see in children, such as tantrums, procrastination, etc. And under the iceberg, is the root.
The child gives up on himself, gives up on himself, feels that he is not capable enough to succeed in anything.
What they really want to say is: "Don't give up on me, teach me little by little." ”
If you want your child to have the intrinsic motivation to take the initiative to Xi, parents need to guide them to turn "can't do" into "can't do".
In fact, it's a mindset shift: a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.
Content source: "Boy's Self-Driven Growth"
The book features a conversation between a journalist and a successful corporate CEO:
"Sir, what is the secret of your success?" the reporter asked.
"The decision was right. ”
"How do you make the right decisions?"
"Experience. ”
"So where does the experience come from?"
"Poor decision-making. ”
People with a growth mindset see difficulties as an opportunity to become smarter, more efficient, and better. Therefore, when a child knows that his brain is malleable, confident in himself, and able to challenge difficulties, he is able to control his efforts and become self-motivated.
If you want to help your child make this change, you can start with the following 6 points:
1. Focus on the process of your child's efforts rather than overemphasizing the outcome
Say less "You're so smart" and more "You've improved through your own efforts, that's great!"
2. Let your child understand that failure is not scary
Take the child to see what failure can teach him, and tell him that behind the failure is actually a gift from God.
3. Make mistakes a regular part of your life
You could share with your child what you did wrong and share the lessons you learned.
Let's say you leave your laptop in a taxi, and your lesson is: don't call when you get out of the car.
4. Don't overtake your child
Over-care can send a message of "I don't think you can't" to children and will also give them a chance to escape.
5. Let go of anxiety about your child
Your anxiety can make your child feel that you doubt his abilities. For example, if you say to your child, "If you don't get good grades, you won't be able to go to a good university," he hears "I don't think you can go to a good university."
6. Help your child relieve stress: Keep an anxiety journal, etc
03
Establish a "sense of connection" with your child and love him unconditionally
Many parents will be very sad when they hear their children say "you don't care about me" and "I don't want to talk to you", and feel that their children don't need themselves anymore.
But the transition from dependence to independence in adolescence is not an easy task for children. On the one hand, they desire to be free from their parents, and on the other hand, they are afraid that their parents will "abandon" them when they become adults. They need a sense of security, they need to make sure that you love him unconditionally, and that the child still needs you.
Therefore, during adolescence, the best relationship with your child is to maintain a state of "intimacy and independence".
Respect your child and allow him to be himself. A helping hand to support them when they need it.
Listening attentively without commenting is the best way to offer support and unconditional love. Therefore, when getting along with children, it is important to talk less and listen more, and the ratio of listening to speaking is preferably 8:2.
At the same time, you can make your child feel that you are listening, using the "3 steps to listening":
(1) Repeat your child's words
(2) Empathize with the child's feelings and understand the motivation behind the child's behavior
(3) Paraphrasing and Summary. Help your child sort out the ins and outs of things and wait for him to respond
For example:
Son: I don't play anymore, I hate playing!
Parents: Do you hate playing? (repeat)
Son: Yes, today's training was terrible, my teammates all said I was a dish.
Parents: They said you were a dish? That must have stung you. (Repetition + Empathy)
Son: Yes, I hate being told, but I do ...... a lot
Parent: So, you don't like playing because your teammates make fun of you? (Paraphrasing and Summary)
In addition, if you want to maintain a sense of connection with your child, you should pay attention to conveying love in some details of life, such as:
1. Do not blame yourself or himself for the child's inaction
2. Stop telling your child how smart he is
3. Don't lecture about your child's grades or talk about his past failures
4. Don't keep nagging
5. Try to guide your child to come up with a solution to a problem
6. Don't overdo it or make suggestions
7. Listen carefully when your child wants to talk
8. Teach your child how to ask for help
9. If your child needs help, try to find someone to help him
10. Help your child become an expert in a certain field
The emotional connection between the child and the parents is the basis of his well-being.
When he feels unconditional support and love, and he knows that he has a mountain of parents behind him, he will have the courage to drive himself to face difficulties and meet challenges.
Anthony Wolfe, a well-known adolescent psychologist, once said: "You have to have confidence - not believe that you can always make the right decisions or always be able to control the child, no one can do this, and even far from it." But you have to believe that you are the most suitable person to educate your children, and that your efforts will not be in vain. ”
Adolescence can be a headache for parents, but it can also be a big challenge for children to complete the transition from dependence to independence.
After all, the child's life is his own. All parents can do is try to support and support him at an age when he is no longer able to walk on his own. Let him learn to take responsibility for his own life, find the value of life that he recognizes internally, and gain the motivation to move forward bravely alone.
Learn to trust your child and give him freedom, including the freedom to fail, the freedom to know himself, and the freedom to find his own inner motivation.
In adolescence, an important stage that will affect a child's life, cultivate his self-motivation and help him get through this difficult stage and welcome true adulthood.
If you can't stop spring, then let spring fill the garden!
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