On New Year's Day in 1991, Sanmao updated an article in the newspaper column "It's good to dance a dance", and at the end she wrote energetically:
"Dear friends, life is always bright, just like Cao Xueqin's sentence "Spring willows and spring flowers are full of buildings". Life is really beautiful, let us cherish every rising tomorrow. ”
Three days later, in the early morning of January 4, Sanmao made two unanswered phone calls to her friend Weiping, and she left her last voice in the recording, in a gentle and calm tone:
"Little Bear, you're not at home...... Okay, let me tell you, I'm Sanmao...... If you're in Taipei tomorrow, please call the hospital, goodbye......"
At two o'clock in the morning, Sanmao, who was dressed in red floral pajamas on a white background, committed suicide with a nylon stocking at Veterans General Hospital at the age of 48.
Before his death, Sanmao once called himself a "stranger", ""Stranger" is a very accurate title for me. Because I have never felt that I am a part of the crowd in this world, I often have to run out of the ordinary life track and do things that cannot explain the reason. ”
Her life is like a wild horse that owns the grassland but can't find its kind, like a bird with a blue sky but can't find its kind, she is not born to pursue loneliness, but forced to be alone.
After 47 years of wandering in the earthly world, Sanmao finally returned to that "hometown".
☰ Origin
People in the world only know Sanmao, but few people know who Chen Ping is.
And the origin of this life may start with that nasty name of hers.
Sanmao's original name was Chen Maoping, "Mao" is a word that must be brought by her generation according to the genealogy, and "Ping" is to take the meaning of world peace.
When she was three years old, her father taught her to read and write, one stroke at a time, horizontally and vertically.
But the young Sanmao couldn't learn how to write the word "Mao", so he took it upon himself to omit the word "Mao" and directly called himself Chen Ping, and his parents really couldn't resist her, so they could only compromise.
Sanmao in his teenage years
This girl named "Chen Ping" has not liked her teacher since she was a child.
She has loved reading since she was a child, but what she reads are idle books that are difficult to get into the elegant hall in the eyes of teachers, such as "Huizhen Ji", "The Legend of Children's Heroes", "Romance of the Qinghong Gang" and "Dream of Red Mansions", all of which are the favorite of the young Sanmao.
In order to escape the teacher's eyes, Sanmao sometimes secretly hid them in her skirt and brought them into class, for which she was not less criticized.
When she reached the age of writing essays, in the first composition class "My Ideal", Sanmao handed in an essay "I want to be a waste picker", and she honestly wrote:
"I'm going to grow up and be a rag picker. ”
Angry, the teacher threw her composition out of the classroom, "Your ideal is to pick up garbage, so what are you studying, get out of here." ”
In order to make a difference, Sanmao had to be obedient and change his ideal to be a doctor.
But Sanmao really loves scavenging, and she wrote this in the scolded essay:
"Be a street vendor who sells popsicles in the summer and roasted sweet potatoes in the winter, because this kind of occupation can not only breathe fresh air, but also walk around and play in the streets and alleys, and more importantly, while doing business, you can stop by to see if there are any good things that have been discarded in the garbage bins along the street. ”
When he was a child, Sanmao liked to go to the wasteland to pick up some deciduous dead wood to make a whistle, and many years later when he moved to the Sahara, Sanmao still liked to pick up some "rags" and take them home for Jose to change into bookshelves and closets to decorate their cottage.
After her death, her former residence in Taipei was full of knick-knacks "picked up" from all over the world.
Sanmao in his teenage years
The young Sanmao also has some special preferences, she likes to watch people "slaughter sheep".
In Chongqing during the Republic of China, the New Year is approaching, slaughtering pigs and sheep is a local custom, every time at this time, Sanmao likes to run to the street to watch the scene of sheep killing, from the beginning to the end, the meaning is still unfinished.
Others think it's cruel, but Sanmao is fascinated.
After Sanmao's death, a reporter went to interview Sanmao's family, and these people who grew up watching her talk about her like this:
"When she was 10 years old, she thought and spoke differently than ordinary children. She was able to talk to a tutor in her twenties at the time, and she had gray hair at the age of 13, which shows that her thinking is very peculiar. ”
Her younger brother said: "Our family is all ordinary people, and only Sanmao has a peculiar personality. ”
Sanmao once said to his father, I have always been a black sheep in the family, and I can't mix in your white.
☷ Explore
Sanmao is very brave.
During the period when he settled in the Sahara Desert with Jose, he encountered gangsters, in order to avoid their hot pursuit, Sanmao drove the car directly into the labyrinth mountain that no one dared to set foot in, and after getting rid of the gangsters, he drove back to rescue Jose who had frozen deep into the mud pit.
Another time, Sanmao, who was jogging, saw someone throwing garbage out of the car window on the side of the road, she directly picked up the garbage bag and threw it through the person's car window.
But Sanmao also has a lot of things to be afraid of, one of which is going to school.
Sanmao in his teenage years
Sanmao once wrote in the book:
"I never hated my elementary school teacher, I was just afraid that she would be more scared than death. ”
Sanmao was once treated by her elementary school teacher with cold words and even violence, and the teacher drew two zero eggs on her two eyes and punished her under the watchful eyes of the whole class.
Since then, Sanmao has suffered from autism, and as long as she sees the place where she was punished, she will be dizzy due to psychological disorders, which also sealed her door to school early.
Then Sanmao began to skip school.
But where can a child escape?
Sanmao's choice of location is the place where she feels the most secure: the cemetery.
From Liuzhangli Cemetery and Chen Jitang Cemetery in Taipei, he fled all the way to Yangmingshan Cemetery.
At that time, she felt that there was nothing safer in the world than to be in the company of the dead.
In the end, Sanmao took a break from school at home, but fortunately, her parents were enlightened, and she had no choice but to let her go. Sanmao can freely do what he likes and read the books he wants to read.
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Sanmao doesn't have any purpose in reading, she regards books as her own utopia, and indulges in them without asking about the world.
Sanmao recalled that every evening, his father sat on a wicker chair with her, and there was a "Guwen Guanzhi" in front of him, and then let Sanmao recite it after he explained, without the pressure of classmate competition, she also understood much faster, her father only disciplined ancient texts, and the novel was read by Sanmao himself.
It was her mentor Gu Fusheng who made Sanmao connect with the world again.
His father, who loved his daughter, found a young Western painting teacher Gu Fusheng for Sanmao, and with his encouragement, she clumsily picked up a paintbrush.
Even if Sanmao couldn't draw anything in an afternoon or a month, Teacher Gu still accepted this child who was judged by the doctor to be "imbecile" with gentleness and patience.
How much does Sanmao like this teacher?
Half a life later, she dared to admit that her first meeting of her teacher was "thrilling" and "love at first sight".
Gu Fusheng
When learning to sketch, you need to use fresh steamed bread to wipe off charcoal marks, and Sanmao will anxiously ask her mother to buy steamed bread three days in advance, she recalls:
"In fact, the steamed buns that have been stored for a few days are not usable, and my heart is anxious for that expectation for the first time. This childish stubbornness is also unfamiliar to itself. ”
For several months, Sanmao still couldn't draw anything, and she was discouraged and asked Teacher Gu to give up on her.
After Gu Fusheng heard this, he just smiled and asked Sanmao what year he was born, and after Sanmao replied, he said, "It's still so young, what's the hurry?"
Little Sanmao is full of anxiety about the future: "I don't want to be a painter, what do I want to do, how can I still be small, how will my life pass, do I want to be locked to death?"
Gu Fusheng asked her what she liked again, and she only replied that she would read.
Gu Fusheng lent her a book to read, and asked her if she had ever tried to write an article. Although he has no talent in art, Sanmao slowly opened the door of his rusty and locked heart under the guidance of his teacher.
Sanmao and his mentor Gu Fusheng
With the inferiority complex of an autistic child, and with the reverence and love for the teacher, Sanmao finally mustered up the courage and timidly proposed to the teacher: "...... I write an article (for) you like it, okay?"
"It couldn't be better. Gu Fusheng responded.
After that, Gu Fusheng took the article she had carefully transcribed to Mr. Bai Xianyong, and Sanmao ushered in the publication of her first work - her debut novel "Confusion" was published in "Modern Literature" edited by Bai Xianyong.
Years of isolation from the world, years of self-isolation, finally ushered in the dawn again.
Sanmao later sighed, "What did Teacher Gu Fusheng teach me, I have talked about it before, but I can't tell it, I only know that if there is no him in this life, I will not live so heroically today." ”
In this way, Sanmao embarked on the road of writing. A pen to write her story, her love, her wanderings, her short but splendid life.
☳ 匆 匆
Sanmao and Jose's love affair is widely known, but in fact, Sanmao's love affair in his life is far more than just this part of Jose.
She has experienced unrequited love twice and been in love five times, but each love often ends without a problem:
Liang Guangming, the first love who did not include Sanmao in his life plan, the Japanese boy who is generous but does not understand Sanmao, the nerdy Spanish boy Jorgen, the painter who told Sanmao that he already had a family on the eve of the wedding, and the 45-year-old German teacher who died on the eve of the wedding.
These five relationships exhausted Sanmao's heart, Sanmao couldn't bear the grief again and again, and tried to commit suicide to end his life, but fortunately found that he was rescued in time.
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met Jose again, who had been in love with her for six years, after Sanmao had gone through a lot of love.
Sanmao went to Jose's residence for the first time and found her pictures plastered all over the walls. Jose first stole the photos from Sanmao's godfather Xu Ji's house, took them to the photo studio and then enlarged the negatives, and then secretly put the original photos back in the box.
Such a plot may only happen in romantic novels or stalker incidents, but it is this kind of fire-like devotion and sincerity that completely moved Sanmao.
Jose pulled Sanmao's hand towards his chest and said, "Broken heart, you can glue it together." ”
Sanmao said: "After sticking, there are still seams. ”
Jose said, "There's another one here, it's made of gold, bring me your one, and we'll exchange it!"
Jose went to the Sahara with Sanmao without hesitation, which is equivalent to putting his life in her hands.
And Sanmao finally agreed to Jose's marriage proposal, and under the witness of the Sahara Desert, she and Jose entered the wedding hall.
Three Maujos registered their marriage
When he got married, Sanmao wore sandals and put a handful of coriander from the kitchen on his head as an ornament.
Jose's wedding gift to her was a pair of pale camel skulls, which was very much in line with Sanmao's heart.
The Sahara is hot and dry all year round, extreme weather is frequent, and under the harsh natural conditions, their material life after marriage was once very scarce, and the furniture relied on the waste products picked up by Sanmao for transformation.
Even so, this is the warmest and happiest time in Sanmao's life.
They painted the walls, turned old tires into chairs, and made lamps out of glass and iron, and nourished a dilapidated house in the desert into a cozy nest full of art and love.
Two people have three meals a day, firewood, rice, oil and salt, and the world is happy.
During this time, her words bloomed passionately, and her life was perfected. There was love, there was everything, and there was the later "Sahara Story".
Three Maojos in the Sahara
Once, "Book Lover" magazine asked Sanmao for a manuscript of "What would you do if you only had three months to live?".
Sanmao handed the letter to Jose and continued to knead the dough, but Jose asked her how to write it with a serious face.
Sanmao was so entangled that he couldn't help it, so he stroked his hair with his battered hand and said to him, "Fool! I won't write because I still have to make dumplings for you." ”
José's whole eyes filled with tears and he said, "You don't die, you don't die, you don't die......"
Sanmao asked, "Then how do we die?"
"Until you are very old and I am very old, and neither of you can walk or help you, put on clean clothes, lie down on the bed together, close your eyes and say, 'Okay!
This is the discussion of death between two people, two people who love each other incomparably, and it seems that they have made a promise to die.
But maybe everything has been written into the book of fate in the dark, and creation makes people, God finally took away her Jose stingily, and refused to let Jose accompany Sanmao to complete his life.
Sanmo-Nishi
In 1979, Jose died unexpectedly while diving, and he was separated from Sanmao Yin and Yang.
Sanmao, who lived in great trauma and grief, washed her face with tears all day long, missing Jose almost crazy, "Acacia, like a worm, slowly gnawed at my body until I became an empty hole." ”
Suicide has once again become a vulture that has been on her heart for a long time and refuses to leave, waiting to swoop down and eat her dead heart at any time.
Finally, she made a request to her parents to "go".
The hearts of the two old men were like knives, and Sanmao's mother burst into tears, muttering and persuading over and over again: "You try again, try to live again, it's not that you don't have a choice, but I ask you to try again." ”
And what really made Sanmao give up the idea of suicide was what his father said with uncontrollable rage:
"If you dare to do such a thing that destroys your own life, then you are my enemy, and I will enmity you not only in this life, but also in all generations, because you are the one who killed my most beloved daughter. ”
In the end, Sanmao chose to stay for the sake of her parents, but every day she lived, happiness and happiness were no longer with her.
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In addition to love and family affection, friendship has not been able to relieve her sorrows.
Sanmao is still autistic, doesn't like noise, doesn't like social occasions and parties. She described her friends who loved her deeply like this: Once they met, everyone always poured that love on people like a flood.
She doesn't want others to love her, even the love of readers, she doesn't want to accept it completely, "I don't like to be overly loved, especially the love that readers force me to accept." ”
Again and again she brushed off the kindness and hospitality of those who came to give her love, and stubbornly staggered on her own path, refusing to walk with others. Just run and run, run to a place where no one knows her.
Sanmao is not exactly like the label that the world has put on her, and she is willing to wander around the world.
She once said that her understanding of happiness: a person confirms that there is another person in the world, and truly loving him is happiness.
Sanmao in the Sahara
She is willing to be a little wife who is content with marriage for the person she loves, but no one else except her lover is willing to ask for it, and there is no one around her who can always accompany her and let her rely on, so she is forced to go through her life alone.
A lifetime of love, helpless is just in a hurry.
☳ Die.
After Jose left, Sanmao's feelings became a dry Dead Sea.
She no longer wants to value her body, her brother Chen Jie said in an interview after Sanmao's death that she smokes cigarettes but eats very little, especially when she writes, once I went to her house and found that the refrigerator was empty, and there was a box of raw sausages, which she had bitten half. I asked her what was going on, and she said she would take a bite when she was hungry.
Sanmao suffers from severe gastritis, gynecology, insomnia, and depression, but she never stops creating, she travels, reads, writes, gives lectures, and uses herself as a tireless machine, numbing her aching body and bleeding heart with busyness.
When she was hospitalized due to illness, she suffered a relapse of depression in the hospital, broke a promise she made to her parents, and ended her life with a pair of stockings.
Sanmao on the streets of Chengdu
Sanmao actually committed suicide many times in her life, and was rescued every time, but this time, God also let go and followed her to a peaceful place.
In the end, like the ending of her favorite fairy tale "The Little Prince", like the epilogue of her favorite "Dream of Red Mansions", this strange woman who has been looking for her life withers on this extremely lonely and cold planet.
When Sanmao was alive, Sanmao was known as a free, romantic, and casual genius female writer.
She loves the world, her love for beauty, nature and people fills her heart, she leaves so many lovely words to this world, and the world loves her, and her friends and readers are all over the world to support, care and care for her.
But when Sanmao died, what people saw when they got closer was a woman with a bumpy fate and suffering a lot of pain.
She spent her whole life searching, looking for who she was, the path she wanted to take, her own place, and the people she loved...... Maybe I found it, but after all, it was just a dream.
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Sanmao's life was short. Spring flowers and autumn moons, summer and winter snow, the years are extremely beautiful, and finally pass.
But perhaps the life that is truly worth it is one that blooms and blooms while it is alive, until it withers and withers when it is exhausted.
Even if it's just for a moment.
As she said, "In the process of life, whether it is spring and snow, or green vegetables and tofu, I have to taste what it tastes like, so as not to go through this in vain." ”
After tasting it all, tired and living enough, then leave in style.
I only hope that she can have a lover to rely on in another world, and she no longer has to stand alone and walk alone.
References: Sanmao's works "Coming to Nothing", "Tell Yourself", "The Color of Butterflies", "Suddenly Looking Back", "Marriage", "Immortal Bird", "My Writing Life"; Exclusive Dialogue with Sanmao's Family", Fu Ailing's "Sanmao's Lifetime Emotional Experience"
The author of this issue: rice porridge paste
Editor丨Review: No. 03 Willow Yin Street