I don't know if you've seen it, a hot Internet stalk that has been very popular recently-Zihan stalk.
The origin of "Zihan Terrier" at the beginning was that a parent questioned the teacher in the group:
"Why was my Zihan bitten by a mosquito, but the other children were not?"
This Zihan's mother doesn't care about the cause and effect, as soon as she opens her mouth, she asks the teacher to ask for the guilt, and her words are fierce, which is really suffocating.
With the heated discussion caused by chat screenshots, "My Family Zihan XXX" has become a hot Internet meme and has been applied to various life scenarios by netizens.
However, behind the entertainment of "Zihan Terrier" is the tragedy of "Zihan".
They don't understand why their parents are so aggressive, and they can only keep telling themselves that this is their parents' way of expressing their "love......
Today I want to talk to you about the spell of "Zihan".
I hope today's content can help "Zihan" get rid of the spell and find their true selves.
01
My friend has always hated "Zihan Terrier", not because she is called Zihan, but because she used to be that "Zihan".
When she was in elementary school, she once had a fight with her classmates and accidentally fell and broke some skin on her knee. At that time, her classmates had already apologized to her, and the teacher had also criticized them.
In fact, it was only a very small matter, but when her mother found out, she had to go to the school to ask the teacher for the crime, let the classmate write a review, apologize in front of the whole class, and accuse the teacher of not fulfilling her responsibilities in front of the principal.
After that, her classmates didn't dare to play with her anymore, for fear that if she bumped into her again, her mother would run to school to make trouble.
From childhood to adulthood, there are many, many more "suffocating love" like this:
She must get permission from her mother before cutting her hair, and she can only cut her hairstyle as specified by her mother;
No matter how secretive she hid her diary, her mother could always turn it over and say that she had the right to know everything about her......
In psychology, the behavior of "Zihan parents" such as friends' mothers can be called controlling parenting styles.
If you feel the same way, please be sure to turn on the red light for yourself and re-examine your parents' behavior and your own mental health, so as to put an end to the tragedy of "Zihan".
02
Have you watched the popular movie "Wading Through the Angry Sea" released some time ago?
On the surface, this is the story of a father avenging his "tragically" daughter, but in fact, what the film wants to convey is a trial of "pathological parent-child relationship".
In the movie, Lao Jin played by Huang Bo is an absolute "strongman" in the eyes of outsiders and a qualified father.
He was in charge of 30 fishing boats, and after the divorce, he worked hard to raise his daughter and sent her to study abroad.
After learning that his daughter was killed, he vowed to help her take revenge.
seems to love his daughter deeply, but in fact, he loves the role of "father":
Knowing that the suspect Li Miaomiao had returned to China, he didn't care that his daughter's body was still buried in a foreign country, but chose to trace Li Miaomiao's traces;
When he learned the clues of the suspect who violated his daughter, his instinctive reaction was to seek revenge immediately, instead of attending the funeral to send his daughter on the last ride;
He got the video of his daughter being violated before her death, and he didn't want to take care of his daughter's last decency, but to show it to others everywhere, so that others could tell who the person who violated his daughter was......
This kind of behavior is not so much an externalized reaction to the pain of bereavement, but more like the unwillingness to be deprived of personal property.
Although he kept telling himself in his heart: "Your daughter is dead, you have to hurt, old Jin." ”
But in fact, he thought, "My daughter was killed and ruined, what a joke, where will I put my face? I have to take revenge, and I want to make the people who deprived me of my right to be a father pay." ”
He doesn't know what true fatherly love is, and he doesn't know what his daughter really wants, he only knows what he wants.
Isn't this kind of old gold an extreme display of "Zihan-style parents"?
Just like Nana, the daughter of Lao Jin in the movie:
She had a fever, Lao Jin covered her face with a wet towel to cool down, she was suffocated and almost suffocated, but her father didn't let her move;
She was afraid of water, and Lao Jin threw her into the water again and again to ask her to learn to swim, and she almost drowned and did not dare to complain;
She followed Lao Jin for running and exercising, even if she was exhausted, she had to grit her teeth and try to keep up......
She represents thousands of "Zihan": she has never been abused, and she has never been loved.
03
Whether you used to be a "Zihan" now, or you have accidentally become the next "Zihan parent". As long as you're willing to change, it's always too late.
If you are "Zihan":
1. Build your own "refuge"
Parental control will continue to compress our "living space", making us extremely insecure, at this time we can try to build our own "shelter".
This "refuge" can be a corner where you feel safe, it can be reading, it can be a peaceful place for yourself on social platforms, or it can be a kind of exercise.......
All the ways and places that make you feel yourself can be a "refuge".
And its meaning is to give yourself a chance, an absolutely safe psychological space, to digest your emotions and thoughts, and recognize your own needs and boundaries.
2. Recognize and accept emotions
In our traditional view, negative emotions are always not allowed to flow. It seems that only cheerful, optimistic, and positive can be called a good child.
However, no matter what kind of emotion appears, it is normal, and restricting the flow of negative emotions can easily lead to bigger problems.
Psychologist Dr. Johnise Webb has noted:
Emotions are a necessity for survival, and he tells us when we are in danger, when we should run away, when we should fight, and why it is worth fighting. The emotional, physical and communication styles that drive us to act.
Instead of escaping and suppressing emotions, we should try to identify and accept emotions, and find appropriate ways to cope with them in the process of communicating with them, so as to solve those problems that have been hidden by us.
If possible, it is recommended that you seek the help of a professional psychological counselor, so that you can re-establish a healthy mental structure better and faster.
If you are a "child parent":
1. Examine and change your inner patterns
Psychologist Jin Shang once mentioned in "Restart Life":
Everyone's life experience is different, but the inner pattern is much the same, such as pessimistic mode, internal friction mode, pain pattern, blame mode, victim mode, fear mode, anxiety mode......
A person can only make changes if he sees his own mental model.
For example, when you were a child, your parents always liked to hit you and talk to you in a weird way, and in the absence of subjective changes, you will most likely continue this pattern to treat your children, which is what we call intergenerational transmission.
Perhaps, every "Zihan parent" was also the scarred "Zihan", and if we want to end the "Zihan curse" in our generation, we must try to examine and change our own wrong inner patterns, and develop healthy inner patterns.
In the process of changing the inner pattern, you may unconsciously continue to use the past pattern to get along with your children, please don't be discouraged! Changing the inner pattern itself is not an easy task, but when you consciously change it, you have already taken the first step to become better.
2. Change the wrong emotional Xi
South Korean psychiatrist Park Yong-cheol proposed in the book "Emotional Xi, Determine Your Life":
Human emotions also have Xi inertia. For example, if a person grows up in a lonely situation, even if he does not like loneliness and loneliness, he will Xi making his life situation lonely and lonely.
Our emotional Xi largely determine our attitude, personality, and even outlook on life in the face of problems.
Learning Xi clean up our negative emotions and change our wrong emotional Xi habits can leave room for beauty and prevent children from becoming our emotional trash cans.
3. Acknowledge that the child is an independent individual
Gibran wrote in On Children:
You can give them love, but you can't give them thoughts, because they have their own minds. A good family education is based on mutual respect.
Children came into the world because of us, but not just for us. They have the right to do what they want to be and to be who they want to be.
What parents need to do is to acknowledge their children's independence and help them complete their own independence, which is the real "good for children".
04
The overly entertaining "sub-Han stalk" blurs the core issues hidden behind it, but it also gives us an opportunity to examine and change.
Let every "Zihan" realize the harm they have suffered, and let every "Zihan parent" realize the absurdity behind their behavior, which may be the greatest social value of "Zihan Terrier".
Parents have less control, and "Zihan" can be happier.
I really hope that every "Zihan" can become a "Zihan", and only do "Zihan".