Parents keep in mind that "two are not used to, three are not done, and four are not said", and the children raised are independent and confident

Author: Du Xiaoxian (Parent Intensive Reading Author)

Whenever the holiday is over and the beast returns to the cage, many parents will breathe a sigh of relief: finally "liberated".

Indeed, when children return to school, the focus of education will naturally shift to school, and parents must have a lot of peace of mind.         

But it would be a big mistake for parents to let go completely and put the responsibility for education on the school.

As Chen Baosheng, former minister of the Ministry of Education, said: "If family education is not in place, no matter how good school education is, it will not help." ”

The influence of parents on their children is far-reaching, and every outstanding child is inseparable from the nurturing and support of the original family.

Raising children is not an easy thing, the children cannot be self-reliant if they manage too much, and they are worried that the children have no rules.

How can we lead an independent and confident child?

Smart parents are using this parenting cheats: two don't get used to, three don't do, and four don't say.

Not used to both

The direction of a child's growth depends on the parenting style.

If parents have bad habits in raising their children, they will not be able to raise children with good habits.

Parents should examine themselves in a timely manner and not be accomplices to their children's bad habits.

1. Not accustomed to being extravagant

Some parents believe that loving their children is to give their children good material conditions, as long as the children open their mouths, they will be unconditionally satisfied.

I've seen a story:

A family, the economic conditions are okay, but the child always blindly compares with the classmates around him.

I saw other classmates with brand-name sneakers, brand-name clothes, brand-name stationery... I cried and shouted for my parents to buy it.

At first, his parents did not realize the seriousness of the problem, and the family could afford it anyway, so they always met his needs.

But then it became more and more exaggerated-

For the sake of his own face, the child rushed to pay money for dinner with his classmates, no less than 500 yuan each time; Once his parents refused his request, he began to complain that his parents were not in good condition, that he could not buy himself high-end mobile phones and limited edition sneakers, and that he did not have a good luxury house and luxury car at home...

Habitual spending, the child's vanity will only encourage the child's vanity and encourage him to become a demander of inches.

2. Unaccustomed and without a sense of responsibility

When my cousin's daughter was ten years old, she was late for school because she got up late.

At the end of school that day, my daughter said loudly to her mother, "Mom, it's all because you didn't call me in the morning, which caused me to be late for school and was criticized by the teacher." ”

The cousin was particularly angry and told the child: "You have grown up, going to school is your own business, and getting up on time is also your responsibility, and you can't blame others for being late." ”

Before, every day, my cousin woke up the child after making breakfast in the morning, but the child always stayed in bed and didn't get up until late.

After this incident, my cousin taught the child to set an alarm clock and let the child be responsible for his own affairs.

Since then, every night before going to bed, the child will check his alarm clock by himself, and in the morning, when the alarm goes off, he will wake up on time.

Parents who truly love their children are learning to let go and train their children to do their own things independently.

In the future, children will have to walk on their own after all, and the responsibility will inevitably be borne by themselves.

Three don't do

Education expert Li Meijin said: "When children reach puberty, parents should educate their children on respect. ”

Respect education is to give children trust and respect, establish their self-esteem, self-love, and self-confidence, and promote children's healthy growth.

To do a good job of respecting education, we should avoid 3 behaviors.

1. Don't compare children with others

Some parents believe that by comparing, they can inspire their children to be better.

In the TV series "Little Shede", Huanhuan was originally an optimistic and confident girl.

But the teachers and parents always compare her with Mi Tao, who has good grades, causing Huanhuan to become unhappy, and her attitude towards Mi Tao has changed greatly, and she takes the lead in isolating Mi Tao in the class.

Comparing children in public, it is easy to fall into the misunderstanding of "comparing the advantages of others with their own shortcomings", which will destroy children's self-confidence and make children fall into inferiority and helplessness.

Less comparison, more acceptance, the child's desire to grow will be stronger.

2. Do not deprive children of their right to choose

In his 10,000-word complaint to his parents, Wang Meng, a bully at Peking University, mentioned that his mother was a controlling parent.

During the school art show, students were asked to wear knee-length shorts, but his mother couldn't help but ask him to wear long pants.

After being admitted to Peking University, his parents asked his aunt to call him constantly, and even called his classmates to understand the situation.

Because he couldn't stand his mother's control over him from childhood to adulthood, he wrote a long essay to break with his parents and wanted to redeem himself by studying psychology.

Parents' desire to control is like an impenetrable net that will block their children's way to a free life.

Parents can provide reference advice on what clothes to wear, what schoolbag to carry, which homework to write first, where to play during the holidays, what books to read, what movies to watch, etc., and if the general direction is okay, please leave the choice to your children.

Only by giving children the right to make their own choices and correcting deviations in a timely manner can we guide children to achieve different degrees of growth in various choices.

3. Don't treat children as tools

Writer Jia Pingwa once described such a kind of parent:

"They take it as their glory to teach their children to memorize Tang poems, and when there are guests at home, they exhale their children, and recite them one by one with their eyes closed...

Some people save money to buy pianos, buy paints, pens and paper for paintings, and use money and fists to train musicians and painters. ”

In his opinion, the more parents raise their children in this way, the more mediocre their lives will be.

Children have their own lives, not tools for parents to show off, or to fulfill their parents' wishes.

Bai Yansong wrote in the book: "He (the son) is the protagonist in life, and his mother and I are not responsible for writing his script, we just want to be a competent audience and appreciator." ”

Parents who truly love their children know how to encourage their children to shine their own brilliance; Instead of forcing the child, follow the map drawn by the parents.

Four don't say

There is a saying: "The mouth of a parent affects the lifeblood of the whole family." ”

Parents who can talk well, a harmonious and relaxed family atmosphere, and a high happiness index for children.

Parents who are always yelling and hurting their words, the family atmosphere is depressed and tense, and children will plant dark seeds in their hearts.

1. Don't gossip about outsiders

Gossiping about teachers, neighbors, relatives, or other parents in front of their children is a mode of communication for many parents.

It is rude to talk behind people's backs, and in the long run, children will think that this is the right thing to do.

As the saying goes, "Trouble comes from the mouth." ”

When children unconsciously pass on these words, it will also give rise to a lot of unnecessary trouble.

Parents should guide their children in a positive way to understand that it is wrong to talk about people behind their backs.

"Don't talk about it", parents do it right, and children learn right.

2. Don't say anything about emotional kidnapping

In life, it is common to hear such words:

"Mom and Dad work so hard, it's all for you, are you worthy of us"; "If it weren't for you, we would have a better life..."

Parents constantly emphasize their own contributions, so that children have a sense of indebtedness in their hearts, and achieve the purpose of "children listening to themselves", which is a kind of emotional kidnapping.

It is the choice of parents to have children, and it is the responsibility of parents to take care of their children until they are able to survive independently.

Only parents who lack wisdom will achieve the purpose of educating their children by making them feel guilty.

3. Don't say anything about the blow

There is a topic online: How much impact does percussive education have on children?

Many netizens poured out the pain of the original family:

"I often have a lot of things I want to tell my parents, but I feel that if I forget it, I will be scolded if I say it"; "The self-confidence that has been built up with great difficulty can be easily destroyed by a sentence, and I always feel like a waste"...

Constantly picking mistakes and blows, children not only can't feel their parents' "knife mouth tofu heart", but will be stabbed by words, helpless and desperate.

Parents can substitute help for blows.

"Why are you so stupid that you can't do it so many times?" The more he says this, the more he thinks he can't do it.

"This question is indeed a bit difficult, I see you are stuck here, do you need your mother's help?" It conveys acceptance and encouragement, so that children can muster up the courage to solve problems.

The blow of parents will only push the child into the abyss of darkness, and holding the child's hand firmly can give the child the strength to move towards happiness and light.

4. Don't say things that condone bad behavior

A video of a 15-year-old child spitting on an elevator button was posted online, and the child's mother said, "He's only 15 years old, are you trying to ruin him?" ”

There was a child beating a doll in the amusement park, and when the staff communicated with the parents, the father said, "The child is still young and ignorant, and if he does something wrong, he will be wrong, what else do you want"?

These parents use words to tell their children: they are still young, and it doesn't matter if they do something wrong.

One can imagine what the children will do next, since they don't have to take responsibility for doing something wrong.

Children who grow up with the connivance of their parents are unable to establish a correct view of right and wrong, and are most likely to deviate and lose control in the process of growing up.

Far-sighted parents do not say words that condone their children's bad behavior, but set rules and correct deviations in time, so that children know clearly what can and cannot be done.

In this way, the child will grow into a person who is responsible, kind, and upright for his actions.

There is nothing wrong with parents loving their children, but if they love in the wrong way, parents will fall into anxiety and helplessness, and it will also cause indelible trauma to their children.

Really smart parents can grasp the boundaries of love:

Do not get used to children's bad habits, cultivate a pragmatic attitude, enhance the sense of self-reliance, and guide children to shoulder family and social responsibilities;

Do not treat children as private property, allow children to be themselves, gather self-confidence, and take the initiative to grow;

Don't say anything that misleads your child, help your child establish a correct outlook on life, and be rich and strong in heart.

When parents' love is principled, warm, and bottom-line, the child's life will go more and more smoothly.

A good education is not necessarily the most expensive, but it is the most suitable for children.

About the author: Du Xiaoxi, the columnist of Fushu, article: Parents Intensive Reading, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, it may not be reprinted, and infringement must be investigated

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