Fu Seoul's hot search for divorce has ripped off the fig leaf of many actresses

This season of "Goodbye Lover" several pairs of guests have an interesting view of housework.

One is very traditional, believing that housework should be done by women, such as Zhang Shuo's classic quote:

"Because I'm from the north, and the north is full of women doing housework."

"Goodbye Lover 3"

The other is that the man does housework, but it is "following his wife's instructions".

For example, the pair of Lao Liu and Fu Seoul.

Fu Seoul once tearfully talked about her sadness in this marriage, especially the lack of hope for Lao Liu, she mentioned a detail - house decoration, let Lao Liu measure the floor, as a result, Lao Liu bought half a room of floors, because he was reluctant to throw it, and had to pile the excess in another room.

"Goodbye Lover 3"

In her 15 years of married life, it was such details that accumulated her disappointment little by little.

Although Fu Seoul earns money to support her family outside, she seems to be the person in charge of overall planning in the family.

In the variety show "The Man Who Does Housework", Lao Liu also complained that Fu Seoul used his eyes to do housework at home.

She was always the one in charge of giving orders.

In the program, Fu Seoul said that he had only learned one thing in 15 years, and how he was not so like a grudge woman when telling a thing.

Where did her resentment come from?

Apparently not because the other half does not do housework, but because he does housework indiscriminately.

Husbands who mess with housework

In the division of housework, combinations like Fu Seoul and Lao Liu are very common -

A wife who gives instructions, and a husband who points where to fight.

The former always seems to know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.

The most striking feature of the latter is that they are "not alive in the eyes", and they usually only do the designated part.

As long as you don't say it, you can't see it, and as long as you don't say it, you won't do it.

Let him wash the dishes is washing the dishes, washing the dishes without washing the pot, washing the pots without washing the lid, "You didn't say you want to wipe the stove." ”

Source: Little Red Book

Let him dry his clothes is drying clothes," you didn't say you were going to shake your clothes." ”

Source: Little Red Book

To let him collect clothes is to collect clothes, "You didn't say you had to fold clothes and put them away." ”

Source: Little Red Book

Writer Gemma Hartley once complained: "Men's eyes are covered with a layer of dust, so that they cannot see chaos." What they don't want to see, becomes invisible. ”

They seem to be able to execute only a single instruction, with no visibility into the unspecified part.

As a result, they usually do housework with the effect of "doing it, but as if they didn't do it", and many times they have to rework and redo it again.

"A similar survey conducted by Sainsbury's in the UK showed that women spend an average of three hours a week redoing the chores they assign to their partners. And the things that men do not do well cover almost all household chores, including washing dishes, making beds, doing laundry, vacuuming, making sofa cushions, scrubbing counters, and so on. Two-thirds of the women surveyed believe that their partner has done their best, and it's no wonder that more than half of women don't bother to 'nag' their partner and ask them to improve, they just follow their partner to clean up the mess."

And perfunctory to the extreme, may use deliberately screwed up to avoid housework.

In 2011, a UK study of 2,000 people living with their partners showed that 30% of men admitted that they deliberately messed up the housework and hoped that their partner would stop asking them for help.

Nearly a third admitted that they simply sprayed detergent down the toilet instead of actually scrubbing it.

The other quarter just used water to rinse the bathtub instead of using detergent.

And one in ten people will deliberately leave residues on the plate when washing dishes.

Men deliberately do housework badly to avoid doing it in future

The study found that for most men, their plan worked.

As many as 25 percent of men surveyed said they were no longer asked to help with household chores, and 64 percent said they were only occasionally asked to help.

If the husband who does not do housework at all is version 1.0, then this kind of husband who does housework is version 2.0.

Version 1.0: He never washes dishes, and he won't even hold up the oil bottle when it is poured.

Version 2.0: He only washes dishes and won't even hold up the oil bottle when it is poured.

Obviously, the biggest thing they have in common is that they tacitly accept that housework is not their job.

As Goodbye Lover points out, the biggest problem for these men is that they feel like they're helping their wives with household chores.

In fact, the core problem of most couples who argue about housework is that one person does not see housework as something that needs to be shared by two people.

Source: Weibo

Dai Xiangyu did housework according to Chen Zihan's instructions in the variety show "Excellent Student", mainly doing a mess, sweeping the floor with a dirty mop, the sheets were spread or wrinkled, and the curtains could not be torn open...

Source: "Honor Student in Housework"

The wife was angry, the mother was angry, the audience was speechless, and finally Dai Xiangyu came out to apologize on Weibo, admitting that he couldn't do it well, "But I have a heart willing to do it for you."

You see, housework is still done for the wife.

Because of this, they usually do not understand their wives' nagging and accusations, and feel that the other party is always overly picky, like a grudge.

When wives complain that they have too much and too much housework, they don't understand - can you let me help you?

When the wife points out that her housework is too perfunctory, they will also be aggrieved - I have done so many chores for you, why are you still not satisfied?

Unseen emotional labor

"Goodbye Lover" also mentions a question, why are there only grudges and no grievances?

I think it is precisely because there are too many "dusty men" that the black holes of family affairs that they can't see and don't want to see can only be filled over and over again by women holding up with anger.

For example, you should always pay attention to what is not enough at home, whether the shampoo and toilet paper are running out, whether the electricity bill should be paid, whether the sheets should be changed, whether the dishes in the refrigerator are almost finished...

Remember where everything is in the house, who has whose birthday, what gifts to prepare for family and relatives on holidays, and what the budget is...

Source: Sina Weibo

Things that seem simple and trivial are all necessary to keep a family system functioning, and they are emotional labor that has long been neglected.

In The Rights Deserved, emotional labor is defined as: "the free and invisible work that women do to keep an eye on the little things in life, and these jobs together become the big things in life: emotional labor is the glue that holds families and even society together." ”

The price of men's "no life in their eyes" is that women have to bear a lot of emotional labor.

Even in families like Lao Liu and Fu Seoul, most of the "male protagonists and female protagonists outside" are still women.

Sociologist Dr. Aliya Hamid Rao's research shows:

"Even when husbands do unpaid work (such as housework and childcare), they still rely on their wives to tell them what to do and when. So, let's say the husband is going to the grocery store for the family, and the wife will be the one looking at their fridge, their pantry, thinking about what they're missing, what they need in the next week or so, and making a list. The husband goes shopping and even calls his wife often if he can't find the item his wife asks him to buy.

- "The Moment of Truth: How Married Couples Face Unemployment"

The most tiring part of emotional labor is not a specific chore, but the never-ending to-do list you need to run in your head—remembering what chores need to be done, when they are done, who can be given to them, and making sure things are actually done. Especially after raising children, this list will be infinitely lengthened.

As the book "They Are Not Nagging, They Are Just Fed Up – Unseen Emotional Labor" puts it: "At the heart of a lot of emotional labor is the mental load of ensuring that everything is done smoothly." Behind every task that produces tangible results lies an intangible psychological effort, and most of these are paid attention to, tracked and executed by women. ”

So even if the family has a nanny, women are usually the important role that needs to issue instructions, arrange tasks, accept results, and balance interpersonal relationships.

Source: Gender Wars in Housework

Author Sarah Bregg wrote in the article "How to tell that maybe you're tired of marriage?" talked about his marriage.

She and her husband have known each other for ten years, married for eight years, and had two children.

The reason for the collapse of this marriage is not cheating and betrayal, but that she is too tired.

She takes on too much emotional labor, she has to take care of the needs of everyone in the family, in order to repair the relationship, it is she who goes to book marriage counseling, it is she who asks her husband to share the housework, and at the same time she has to consider the tone of her speech to avoid resenting him... The husband, of course, worked hard, making breakfast, washing dishes, helping with the children, coming home on time, going to counseling, all as she asked.

The problem was that everything was her request, and her husband never felt that those were the things he was supposed to do.

So as long as their relationship becomes stable, the husband will relax -

"It's easy to change, it's hard to change nature, and everything will always return to its original state. I knew that this drama of restoration would be repeated again and again until it took root, and in the end, all I remembered in life was how I became a lion roar in Hedong and a bitter woman in the deep palace. ”

Breger, who saw no hope, eventually chose to end the marriage.

Source: Gender Wars in Housework

This is also reminiscent of the peach story mentioned by Melody, she remembers that her daughter likes to eat soft, her husband likes to eat crispy, and she will wake up in the middle of the night because she suddenly remembers that she did not divide the peaches.

She tried to make the whole family eat peaches to her taste, but no one cared what she paid for it, no one asked her what she liked to eat, all the emotional labor she took was taken for granted, and she could only silently eat rotten peaches.

"Hot Shop at 11 O'clock"

This is no longer a nameless question

There is a saying that housework does not belong to men or women, but to those who cannot stand it.

However, according to the data, Chinese women spend twice as much time on housework as men, which shows that most of the people who can't stand it are women.

But in fact, men don't really see the chaos in the home.

Dr Leah Ruppanner, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Melbourne, initiated a study in which she asked participants to evaluate a relatively tidy or messy room photo, and found that men and women rated the room as messy as the same.

The difference is reflected in the fact that after the participants were told the gender of the room owner, the moral judgment immediately appeared—it was assumed that women's rooms were significantly more cluttered and more likely to cause dissatisfaction among guests. This suggests that people have higher standards of cleanliness for women than men, and that women are more likely to be criticized for messy rooms.

The different expectations and training of the sexes in society and culture have created the gender rivalry on household issues today.

One is always busy, but the other can always turn a blind eye.

At the same time, emotional labor is always borne by women, and we are told from childhood that "daughters are intimate little cotton jackets".

Social culture encourages men to be independent, but expects women to be caring, empathetic, and self-sacrificing to make those around them feel comfortable.

For men, they often only need to engage in emotional labor in the early stages of their relationship, sweet talk, because that is their "way of chasing or saving girls".

Melody talks about the gap after marriage

Once you actually enter a relationship, all the emotional labor starts to shift to the woman.

Not only do they have to bear the huge emotional gap, but they also have to carry the pressure of all emotional labor alone - "you see", "you have the final say", "you say what I do".

Source: Gender Wars in Housework

For a long time, women had a hard time describing this feeling of tiredness.

Thankfully, "emotional labor" is no longer a "nameless question" and is finally being seen and being used to tell and understand the situation of women.

Some people say that after understanding emotional labor, they finally understand why my wife always tells her to do things, "Many things seem to be done by me, but my wife has already put in much more time and energy, but I never cared."

Source: @老婆爱吃肉

Seeing is progress.

We have also seen that some couples begin to make lists of household chores, and the focus is not actually on assigning tasks, but first turning those "not seen" into "seen", and then sharing them together.

Source: @给你吃

For the other half who is difficult to communicate, some people choose a more intense way of conflict.

For example, it is considered to be the "most persuaded mother on the whole network" @不吃鱼的猫, because the washing cut her hands, she asked her husband to wash them, but her husband asked her daughter to wash them, and told her daughter that her mother experienced the happiness of not washing dishes, and she would deliberately cut her hands next time.

She recorded this sad little thing through a video, but she didn't expect it to resonate and anger with a large number of netizens.

Source: @不吃鱼的猫

Netizens came up with ideas to let her drop the bowl, she really dropped the bowl and took her daughter out to eat, and then followed the advice of netizens and began to have positive theories with him, began to look for a job, and was determined to "change herself and change him".

Although trying to adjust and change others is indeed a heavy emotional labor.

But if the other person can't see or hear, if we don't talk about it, if we don't fight, nothing will change.

"As Friedan points out, perhaps when a woman refuses to cater to her husband's fantasies, 'he suddenly wakes up and re-examines her'—he is her husband, but also part of a larger patriarchal order."

Of course, the most refreshing part of this story is not the change of the man, but the change of the protagonist himself.

A woman who has been swallowing her anger in marriage for nearly ten years begins to say no for herself and for her daughter.

She began to think seriously about how to make herself more comfortable in the relationship, how to create a good role model for her children, and how to keep her daughter from taking on those old and harmful gender roles.

She took this step with the support of countless women.

Source: @不吃鱼的猫

We are all well aware that in a world designed for men, women must change the rules of the game.

Even the smallest rules start with washing dishes and taking out the trash.

As Gemma Hartley, author of The Unseen Emotional Labor, puts it -

"It's nice to take the trash out and dump it, but what really matters is that he should take responsibility for 'paying attention to when to take it out'."