This article is authorized to be reprinted from: Simple Psychology
Maternal love is the most praised emotion, and people seem to acquiesce: a woman is a mother and is born with unconditional love for her children; Maternal love is sacrifice, giving, tolerance, not mixed with hatred and aggression.
But in fact, this is not the case in the real parenting process. In the previous article, some readers left us messages expressing their "hatred" for their children -
"I would even kill my own children"
"Staring at children makes me irritable and want to die"
Then they will feel guilty, what is wrong with such themselves? Isn't it sorry for the child?
But in fact, Winnicott, the most famous psychologist in the field of child psychotherapy, pointed out that it is normal for children to have jealousy, boredom, and regret.
A large part of the guilt of mothers comes from - these emotions do not meet society's expectations of an "all-powerful mother":
Love children, give and enjoy the process without reservation, with the "power of maternal love" is enough to overcome all difficulties.
But the mother does not have to be omnipotent. Winnicott came up with the concept of good Enough Mother, which you can understand as "60 Mom."
Being a mother doesn't have to be perfect, 60 points is good enough.
(Note: The term "good enough mother" here sometimes refers to the baby's primary nurturer, not just the "mother.") ）
Mothers can hate their children
From 2008 to 2013, Israeli sociologist Ona Donat began a social survey of "regretting being a mother," and one of her interviewees, Sophia, a mother of two 1- to 5-year-olds, told her:
"I can't find in myself the love of other people for children, when I see babies I feel restless, I can act as warm and sweet as everyone else, but inside ... I was scared of it. ”
She conducted in-depth interviews with 23 mothers, many of whom expressed ambivalence: love children, want to be a good mother, but still have moments to regret being a mother.
"Women are weak, but mothers are strong." "Mom is Superman." "God cannot be everywhere, so He created the mother."
We are accustomed to describing maternal love as a sublime, unblemished love, which makes mother's sacrifice natural, bringing away the difficulties and dilemmas that motherhood has to go through, and this sanctified narrative of motherhood makes it difficult for mothers to express "non-love" emotions.
Winnicott also observed the sanctification of the role of "mother" in the media context, saying that it is easy to idealize motherhood: any job has setbacks and annoying times, so why is being a mother an exception?
He once wrote a list of more than a dozen reasons why mothers hate their children:
◍ From pregnancy to childbirth, mothers are in danger; ◍ Will be bitten by children when breastfeeding; ◍ Babies will not be grateful for their mother's efforts, on the contrary, they will always be disappointed in their mother and make her self-doubt; ◍ He will always ask his mother new questions as he grows up, depriving her mother of her freedom and making it difficult for her to focus on the things she is interested in...
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These feelings are completely real and normal, and they need to be allowed to be spoken and seen. Because hatred itself is not terrible (it is part of a real relationship), but if resentment is suppressed and not expressed because "mothers can only love children", the hate hidden behind love will really destroy the mother's love for her children. Have you also heard something like this:
"Mom is working so hard, how can you disappoint me." "If it weren't for you, I would have ..."
Not allowing to express hatred will make the mother's love become "sacrifice", and complaining about sacrifice will bring lasting guilt to the child, which will destroy the child's self-perception and the child's relationship with the parents.
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Accepting yourself will always disappoint your child
The pressure that mothers have to face is not only that "must be a good mother", but also that at present, the standard of this "good" is getting higher and higher:
Mothers must not only take good care of their children, scientific parenting, but also be delicate and decent, have a stylish, balanced career life, and cannot have too much "mommy taste".
Shen Yifei, a professor of sociology at Fudan University, once analyzed the image of "hot mothers" in public media and found that this concept that seems to liberate mothers is actually more demanding for mothers:
It pushes the mother's structural dilemma that needs to be solved to the mother alone with a beautiful label. Make mom more afraid that she is not good enough.
As early as the last century, Winnicott noticed the pressure that this "perfect mother role" brought to mothers. He gave his mother a reassurance:
Don't worry, you're always going to disappoint him anyway.
In a letter to his friend Roger Money-Kyle, he explained his understanding of "good enough mothers":
She is first and foremost a real woman, and the best she can do is do it well enough, not perfectly.
This means that there will always be moments when mothers disappoint their children during parenting. This is not only inevitable, but also indispensable: because what the child needs is precisely an "imperfect" mother.
He pointed out that while parents take care of their children wholeheartedly, they should also remember to "de-idealize", that is, "be themselves consistently". If the techniques and rules in the books and parenting classes are mechanically followed, then the child is always given a "standard role" that does not provide a good enough upbringing.
What a child really needs is a real person: he knows that his parents will succeed and fail, but they are willing to be by his side and always give him care and support.
In addition, one of the responsibilities of parents is to "continuously and steadily show the world to the baby", which includes making the child understand that there are some things that I cannot be fully satisfied, that the world is not completely developing as I imagined, and that it will have imperfect parts.
Breaking this sense of omnipotence, allowing yourself to disappoint your child and allowing your child to let yourself down, parents and children can establish a true relationship of trust, and children will gradually develop the ability to adapt to "accepting many things as I wish".
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The mother has her own life, and the child can be independent
In Long Yingtai's essay "Eyesight", there is this paragraph:
Slowly, slowly, I learned that the so-called father-daughter-mother-son only means that your fate with him is that you are constantly watching his back drift away in this life and this life.
Parent-child relationship is a relationship that needs to be "ended", when the child is still young, the mother needs to provide him with a safe care environment as much as possible, but as the child grows, the mother also needs to slowly end this state and begin to pay attention to her own needs, so that the child can smoothly move towards independence.
Winnicott divides the child's transition from dependence on the mother to independence into "three stages of infant psychological development", at each stage, the mother has its own focus:
1. Absolute dependence: unconditionally adapting to the child
The absolute dependence stage refers to the period of days to weeks after the baby is born, during which the baby is completely dependent on the mother and does not even realize that it is dependent on the mother.
At this stage, the mother does need to spend a lot of energy on the baby, focusing on creating a high-quality protective environment for the baby and not letting the baby be harmed by the outside world. This includes meeting physiological needs and protecting infants from physiological aggression; Take care of the sensitivity of the baby's skin; You can put yourself in the baby's position to some extent and empathize with the baby's needs.
Babies who are well cared for do not focus as much on defending themselves against the outside world, believing that they are safe and building confidence in their surroundings.
2. Relative dependence stage: introduce reality to children
The relative dependence phase generally lasts from 6 months to 2 years of age, during which the baby begins to realize that he is dependent on his mother and becomes anxious about it. What mothers need to do is to let their children know the real world in a smooth and gentle way, such as:
◍ Tell children what is dangerous, such as making them understand what "hot" is;
Give children the opportunity to gradually adapt to setbacks: Mothers no longer need to meet their children when they need them, as they did in the previous stage, but can pay proper attention to their own needs.
For example, breastfeeding, in the previous stage, the mother may need to appear immediately when the child cries; At this stage, the mother can let the baby endure the tension and wait for a few minutes, at which time the baby will also develop an ability, such as knowing from the sound of the mother busy in the kitchen that food will come in a moment, and then telling himself to be patient.
In the process, the baby developed the concept that my mother may not satisfy me right away, but I will always be satisfied, and she will not leave me alone.
3. Towards independence: Cooperate with children through explanations
The independent stage refers to the long stage from toddler to adolescence, in which the child continues to expand his social activity area, such as school, other interest groups, and friend circles, contact more and more social reality unfamiliar to him, and gradually understand and adapt.
At this stage, parents need to establish a cooperative relationship with their children, and cooperate with their children through explanation and communication, not only to meet the needs of their children together, but also to learn to let children discover and respect their own needs:
For example, tell the child for a period of time that the mother also needs to rest, can you read a book quietly and play for a while? Yesterday I ate McDonald's with you, mom wants to eat this today, can you eat this with me?
The relationship between parents and children is increasingly oriented towards the relationship between two independent individuals.
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Winnicott says mothers need to have the ability to "end":
Some mothers can meet the needs of their children well in the first stage, but when the second and third stages come, they cannot give their children appropriate setbacks, and this one-way effort is not conducive to the psychological development of children.
Being a caring mother can gradually become an independent person.
Self-doubt is normal, which just shows that you are a "good enough mother"
Finally, I want to say that the emotions of self-blame, guilt, and self-doubt just indicate that you are a "good enough mother".
Why do you say that? In addition to his status as a psychoanalyst, Winnicott is a pediatrician who has been practicing for more than 20 years, and he has found that mothers who have "guilt" are very responsible for their children:
Many mothers will take their children to Winnicott for examination because of some small things, such as the day before the child accidentally hit the head, in fact, there is nothing wrong with the child, but the mother needs to reassure herself in this way.
Winnicott believes that this kind of emotion shows that you are a "good enough mother":
This shows that you have a sense of responsibility, want to provide a safe environment for your children, and want to be a good mother. Not all moms have this kind of self-doubt.
A good enough mom is a mom who is sensitive enough to her child's needs and willing to meet her child's needs.
Compared with a mother who turns a blind eye to the discomfort of her children, a mother who can feel guilt and is willing to take responsibility for her children just shows that she is "good enough".
Therefore, I don't want to comfort mothers that "don't worry", and I don't think an article or a book can solve a mother's anxiety. Because bringing a life into the world and accompanying him to develop into an independent individual is a great responsibility in itself. And many of the anxiety of "perfect mothers" should not be borne by mothers.
Accepting the anxiety of "feeling like you're not good enough" is also part of being a mother. And resolving anxiety should not be the responsibility of the mother alone.
What mothers need is not to reach the "good enough" in the eyes of others through "perfection", but more "permission", allowing them to express their true feelings and emotions, and more practical support.
What moms need is that when we talk about and face a mother, we first realize that regardless of the role of mother, she is also a living person.
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Author丨Li Weiwei Editor丨Hanbing Responsible editor丨Kuma
Cover丨Instantaneous universe
Reference丨English: Donald Winnicott, translated by Tang Tingting, Mature Process and Promoting Environment, November 2017, East China Normal University Press
Donald Winnicott, translated by Zhao Chengzhi, Winnicott's Conversation with Parents, April 2019, China Light Industry Press
By Ona Donat, translated by Lin Yourou, The Choice to Become a Mother, February 2022, Beijing United Publishing Company
Shen Yifei, "Hot Mother: Motherhood and Women's Rights in the Process of Individualization"
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