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Original name | Guilt-based parenting: Why does parental love always make me feel guilty?
Author | Li crooked
Edit|kuma
Cover| "What's Wrong with Kevin"
"Your parents worked hard to make you feel at ease in learning, but you still did these useless things." ◍ "Even if I lay here and died today, you wouldn't know." Because you never called me. "If I hadn't given birth to you, I would..."
……
Did you hear similar words often when you were growing up? This sentence contains the guilt that our parents deliberately created for us.
In many East Asian families, "guilt education" is a common parenting style.
Wang Chen, an education expert professor at Beijing Normal University, pointed out that parents use emotional connection with their children to make their children obey them. This is basically a form of emotional dominance that negatively affects a child's development.
The essence of "guilt education" is actually a covert attack. Aggression is hidden in the intimacy we rely on. "Guilt" is a weapon that is not easy to detect.
01
"Look how badly I was injured, it's all because of you."
"Guilt parenting" has a corresponding concept in psychology: guilt induction refers to making the other party listen to their own wishes by making the other party feel guilty in the relationship.
Maria Miceli's 1992 study found that the necessary condition for "inducing guilt" is to convince the other person that they have done something wrong.
She points out that in the case of guilt-inducing, the perpetrator may not have done anything wrong (e.g., hurting others, violating moral principles), and even the person applying "guilt-inducing" does not consider themselves at fault. But as long as the other person feels "I am wrong", the induction is achieved.
In simple terms, the inner activity of a person who "induces guilt" is likely to be (either consciously or unconsciously): Whether you are wrong or not, I want you to know that you are wrong.
"Inducing guilt" can take many forms:
1. Tell the other person directly: you are wrong
Maria points out that this is a more aggressive form of guilt, such as:
Direct accusation: "It's all your fault!" "If it weren't for you..." Blame: "You shouldn't have done this" "Do you know what you did?" On the side of the "right", ask questions and demands: "Do you really want to live like this?" ”
▷ "Little Sacrifice"
2. "You see how much it hurts me, it's all because of you." "This pattern often occurs in intimate relationships (parents, partners, friends). The typical presentation is: A asks B, B refuses, A shows painful symptoms, making B feel responsible.
For example, Simon, a systematic family therapist, once shared a case in which two parents would show some physical discomfort in order to control their rebellious teenage daughter: such as "heart palpitations."
In this way, the disobedient daughter obediently stays at home because she feels responsible for her parents.
▷ "Little Joy"
3. You forgive him on the surface, but in fact, the purpose is to make him blame himself
Imagine that at a party, you accidentally spill wine on the skirt of the person next to you. When you apologize quickly, the other person will comfort you like this:
"It's okay, it's okay, I can't wash it at all, I really spent a week trying to buy this dress, it's too expensive!" And I can't wear it a few times a year ... It's okay, it's okay, you didn't think hard, don't blame yourself. ”
Similarly:
"It's okay, young man go out, don't worry about me. I'm not in good health now, I don't even have the strength to cook when you leave, so I'll make do with it. "It's okay, don't worry about me."
Feeling more uncomfortable?
4. Refuse to accept compensation: I just want you to owe me something
This "guilt" takes the form of not accepting apologies and compensation. By interrupting the guilt compensation mechanism, the guilt of the other party cannot be eliminated.
American psychologist Dr. Guy Winch pointed out that guilt generally does not affect an individual's social interaction because it is short-lived - guilt arises when a person realizes that he has hurt others, changed his behavior, or done something that will be corrected. Disappear. But if a person is unable to make compensatory behavior, normal guilt can turn into toxic guilt.
▷ "Little Sacrifice"
At this point, you may ask, why would someone achieve their goals by making others feel guilty?
The causes of "guilt" are complex and cannot be simply categorized. However, this can be due to two reasons:
1. "Guilt inducers" do not have their own security
The "guilt inducer" experiences "intimacy" through the guilt of the other person.
In Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward points out that people who take emotions as "sins" and exert emotional control over others lack trust in the external environment. They often develop a fear of abandonment due to factors such as childhood experiences and past accidents, which can lead them to amplify external failures and turn these ordinary failures into catastrophic situations.
By making the other person feel "guilty," the guilt instigator feels safe – he cares about me and won't leave me.
2. The "guilt inducer" did not complete emotional detachment.
The subtext of "Guilty Summoner" is: You are responsible for my emotions. This effectively means that the emotional "problem separation" is not yet complete. There is a scene in the variety show called "Don't Underestimate Me": a child memorizes a text, repeats a certain part many times, but can't write it down. My mother lost control of her emotions and began to slap herself. "Every time he goes to that kind of place and says something bad, I want to slap myself."
In this scene, the subtext of the mother is self-punishment: Because you don't remember, I'm miserable. She blamed her children for her negative emotions.
But in fact, the real problem moms have to face is this: I lose control when my kids don't finish their homework the way I expect. Here, "loss of control" is a problem that must be identified and solved by the mother herself.
▷ "Little Sacrifice"
Be aware of this, and the next time your mom loses control, you'll realize: Oh, I'm out of control. Then find a way to solve it: such as stopping first and taking a break for yourself and your child; For example, ask for help from family and teachers.
If you're always falling into guilt because you're "inducing guilt," the first step to getting rid of it is to see it and realize: this really isn't my problem.
02
"Guilt parenting" makes children dare not be happy
What impact does "guilt parenting" have on children?
1. "Don't dare to be happy" because of guilt
Many studies have found that feelings of guilt can make a person ignore their own needs and make it difficult to enjoy life.
In a study of the average college student (Y. Zemack, 2007), researchers played a number of words associated with guilt on a screen: "guilt," "can't escape blame," and "guilt." The second group focused on words associated with grief, and the third group focused on neutral words.
The researchers then asked the subjects how they intended to use the $50 coupon. Both the neutral and sad groups chose leisure activities such as music and movies; And the guilty group chose less indulgent items, such as school supplies.
2. Self-punishment
Anyone who has read Harry Potter may remember Dobby, the elf in it: whenever he felt that he had gone against his master's wishes, he punished himself. In psychology, this is known as the "Dobby effect": guilt-driven self-punishment.
In one study, subjects were asked to believe that they lost someone else's lottery ticket (Nelissen, 2012). As a result, these subjects were willing to accept the very uncomfortable punishment of electric shock, especially in front of the "victim".
In another study, participants who felt guilty were willing to dip their hands in ice water and endure pain for a certain period of time.
3. Parents' dissatisfaction and emotional avoidance
When one partner uses guilt to manipulate the other, it damages the relationship. But manipulators may not realize this.
In one survey, 33% said they were dissatisfied with those who made them feel guilty, while only 2% of guilt triggers realized that their actions caused resentment from the other person. Guilt prevents truly equal communication. Research has shown a link between feelings of guilt and emotional withdrawal (Grusec, 1966; Radke 1979).
4. Always blame things on "it's my fault"
Hoffman divides guilt into two types: guilt for violations and virtual guilt. The first actually does something that hurts others or breaks rules, leading to guilt; And the other party did not do anything wrong, but also experienced the same guilt.
Zahn-Waxler (1979), who first proposed the concept, found in research that babies between 15 and 20 months old also change their expression when they notice that their mother is showing sad expressions for no apparent reason. Feeling sad, she tried to approach her mother to comfort her.
When seeing their mothers grieving, a third of children blame themselves. In subsequent studies, it was found that children who exhibited similar guilty behavior showed more guilt than other children.
Sadly, children who often feel "virtual guilt" are more likely to think "it's my fault" as adults, so they judge and punish themselves even if they have done nothing wrong.
▷ "Little Joy"
When "guilt" becomes the background of life, it is difficult for people to feel the happiness of inner peace.
03
Children who grow up under "guilt education"
How to stop being "called away"?
The reason why "guilt" is often very effective is related to the source of the "guilt" emotion:
Rank (1929) notes that feelings of guilt stem primarily from attachment to the mother in childhood and anxiety and fear of breaking this attachment.
Horney (1937) points out that the experience of guilt stems primarily from the fear of opposition from others. The typical cause of guilt is injury, loss of a companion, and pain for a companion, and the source is empathy arousal and anxiety about social rejection.
In other words, behind the "guilt" is an anxiety and fear of losing an important relationship.
▷ "Little Joy"
Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail specifically mentions the situation of emotional blackmail through "guilt" and offers several ways to deal with it. If you've also experienced this "feeling of guilt," you can try the following exercises:
1. Practice "stop, do nothing"
Guilt often causes us to react quickly to the other person's "guilt-induced": to eliminate the guilt, we punish or compensate the other person.
The first step to breaking this system is: don't answer so quickly. Stop and say to yourself, "You don't have to respond to any of their requests right away." ”
No matter what the other person's request is, you can respond like this:
◍ I don't know how I am, can we talk about it later?
◍ I can't answer you right now, I need time to think. This will give you the mental space to revisit your feelings of guilt and the other person's demands.
2. Find out "is it your fault"
We need to figure out if our guilt is really due to "illegal guilt" for hurting others, or if it's unnecessary "virtual guilt."
Sometimes the line between the two is blurred and hard to distinguish: for example, if you got your favorite offer during graduation but your classmates didn't, talking about your success hurts the other person, even if you didn't. Intend.
At this point, the distinction is based on "whether you intended to harm others" and "whether you violated society's moral standards." You can ask yourself the following questions:
◍Is your behavior malicious?
◍ Are your actions particularly cruel?
◍ Is your behavior abusive?
Is your behavior offensive or derogatory?
◍ Did your behavior cause substantial harm to the other party?
If the answer is no, it's "virtual guilt," and there's no need to feel wrong.
3. Distinguish between "labels" and "true selves"
In order to control other people's emotions, "guilt inducers" often evaluate each other with some negative words: selfish, greedy, petty...
Because of the closeness of the relationship, this sentence is more likely to affect self-evaluation: "If I don't promise him, I will be a selfish/reckless/greedy/petty person." ”
You have to add a "filter" to these words by paraphrasing to realize that "this is not the real me." When the other person evaluates you like this, you can practice this sentence pattern: He says I'm a selfish/inconsiderate/greedy/petty person. This is an assessment, not a "fact", because ...
This separates labeling from self-knowledge.
4. Practice non-confrontational communication
In addition to inducing guilt, "guilt-inducing" can trigger defenses.
For example, if your parents want to "induce guilt" to prevent you from working in the field and say that you are "too selfish," you reply, "I'm not selfish, you're selfish." Or do you want your parents to change: "Why can't you put yourself in my shoes?" ”
These are actually defenses, but these defenses are rarely really useful. Instead, they elicit more emotional responses and the knot of the relationship becomes more and more dead.
The key to non-confrontational communication is: don't be confrontational, don't meet the other person's requirements. For example, you can answer like this:
"I know that my going to other cities will worry you and make you sad, and I understand how you feel, but it will not affect my decision. This is my own life, you can accept it or not, you think about it. ”
If "triggering guilt" means using guilt to take responsibility for the emotions of others, then "non-confrontational communication" is a practical separation of subjects: your emotions are your topic, and how I choose to be my own.
Although "guilt" is an unpleasant experience, it also contains some rare human qualities: it shows that you have the ability to empathize, that you are able to reflect on yourself, that you care about the pain of others, and that you are willing to make a difference.
What we need to watch out for are voices that use guilt to control you and force you to "dare not be happy."
I hope you retain the ability to empathize with others, while also being soberly aware of manipulative behavior. I hope you can say more confidently:
It's not my fault. It's not my fault.
reference
ZHANG Xiaoxian. Differences in the development of children's guilt and primary emotions[D].East China Normal University,2012.
Mitchelli, M. (1992). How to Make Someone Feel Guilty: Guilt-inducing strategies and their goals. Journal of Social Behavior Theory, 22(1), 81-104
Nelissen R M, ZEELENBERG M. When guilt triggers self-punishment: evidence for the Dobby effect. [J].Emotions,2009,9(1):118-122.
Emotional First Aid, [USA] Dr. Guy Winch, Shanghai Academy of Sciences Press, August 2015
"Emotional Blackmail", Susan Forward, Donald Fraser, Sichuan People's Publishing House, Issue 10, 2018
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