The following article is from Qian Zhiliang Studio, written by Qian Zhiliang
A family education platform hosted by teacher Qian Zhiliang of Beijing Normal University. Every Monday to Friday, an original article is pushed every day, committed to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts.
When it comes to establishing rules, many people think that it is a restriction on freedom, which restricts the child's nature and deprives the child of happiness.
However, proper discipline is essential for a child's development.
Only by giving love and rules to children at the same time will the child's growth path not lose its way.
01Children who are "set rules" have a higher sense of security and freedom
When we set rules for our children, we actually set red lines for our children that cannot be touched in life.
Through the rules, the child gradually understands that all behaviors should be measured so as not to break the rules and get hurt.
Many "bear children" suffer because they ignore the rules and do not follow the rules, and they encounter more problems and challenges in group life than their parents imagined.
Whether adults or children, security comes from certainty.
The railing is the boundary, and the child who knows the boundary will feel safe, on the contrary, the child without the boundary will not feel safe because he does not know where the scale of safety is. ”
Rules also give children more freedom.
If freedom is everyone's right, then obeying the rules is a responsibility, and if people have the freedom to drive, it must include restrictions that need to comply with traffic safety laws.
It's the same with a child's world.
In the case of only one slide, each child needs to line up, without cutting in line or scrambling, so that there will be a safe environment for every child to play on the slide.
If some children choose to occupy the slide, they will not only lose their companions and friendships, but they may also be blamed and driven away.
The rules here become the guarantee of freedom.
Setting rules for children is precisely giving children a higher level of freedom.
02Set rules for children, what should be established?
Parents often ask us, what kind of rules should we set for our children?
There is no standard answer to this question, every family is different, every child is different, parents can only decide according to the age of the child and the actual situation.
We broadly fall into the following three categories:
The first category: bottom-line rules on life safety
This type of rule is the first thing children need to accept and understand, the most common such as traffic rules: do not run red lights, do not jaywalk, do not show your head out the window when the car is driving, and so on.
There is no shortcut to avoid accidents, only parents regard safety as a bottom-line education and strictly implement it.
In addition to traffic safety, there are also anti-trafficking safety, food safety, drowning prevention, fire prevention, electric shock prevention....... These rules really can't be overemphasized by children.
The second category: rules that help children better relate to the world
Allowing children to better get along with the world is always the focus of education.
For example, "does not affect others" mentioned above:
You can't yell when eating out;
Do not take other people's things without their permission;
Don't kick the front seat on the bus;
If you do something that causes trouble to others, you must apologize on the spot;
There are also some basic courtesies and etiquette:
When someone else helped you, remember to say "thank you."
Don't judge other people's appearance;
Give up seats to the elderly on the bus;
When others treat you to eat, you can say "I'm full", but you can't say "it's hard to eat";
In the rules of these people's dealings with others, the guidance of parents is mainly to lead by example, and if they are taught to their children as early as possible, they will be used for the rest of their lives.
The third category: rules to help children become better versions of themselves
The most common are living habits, such as washing hands before meals and after using the toilet, going to bed early and getting up early without staying up late; Standing with a standing phase, sitting with a sitting phase; No matter how good the TV is, it must abide by the agreed time; Have reading habits every day and so on.
The second is the qualities that parents expect their children to have, such as punctuality, helpfulness, promises to be fulfilled, and so on.
Some families even have some family style and family discipline, and the opening chapter of "Zhuzi Family Training" mentions: Rise at dawn, sweep the court, and be clean inside and outside. Even if you are faint, close the door, and check it yourself.
These house rules often moisturize and silently affect children's attitude towards the world and others.
03How to help children set rules and grasp the three principles
There are three principles for setting rules for children: temperature, early, and consistency.
Establishing rules, although it requires a certain degree of firmness, should be based on love.
Rules are never established by force, but by understanding and firm attitude to win children's cooperation.
If we establish rules in a way that is too simple and rude, the child feels shame and control, and the sense of rules cannot be internalized.
In addition, the more harmonious the relationship between parents and children, the more willing children are to respond to rules.
Set rules early.
Before the age of 12, it is the most difficult time for children to bring, and it is also the best time to educate.
Children in this period are like a blank piece of paper, we can easily teach them the most fundamental and important things, and most children have changed from ignorant to sensible during this period.
Many children who are past the age of 12 still have many behavioral problems that have not changed, and even escalate with age. At this time, Mom and Dad wanted to correct him and set rules for him again, and the difficulty was greatly increased.
Set rules for your child, sooner rather than later.
Finally, rules need to be consistent.
Consistency is reflected in two aspects, and in implementation, the whole family tries to adhere to it consistently. It is recommended to set rules for children, and parents should best follow them as well.
A child who follows the rules must have an example to follow.
Second, the attitudes of adults should be consistent.
One of the reasons why many children do not follow the rules is that parents simply impose rules on their children, but they are not firm when they are implemented, and they compromise with their children in exchange for a moment of harmony.
"Consistency" is a prerequisite for setting rules, and when we always make concessions, we need to be vigilant.
Using rules to help children explore the boundaries of behavior is an important task for parents in early education.
Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio
Image source: Photogram